Crystal has decided to escallate matters, and I think she's going to go full-bore nasty-dirty litigation to get rid of me.

I'm totally opposed to divorce, but I know she can make a colorable claim of domestic violence, and I know she'll put the kids through h3ll to get what she wants at this point. Suffice it to say that, although I shouldn't have stood in the doorway and demanded that she answer my questions, I NEVER hit, or kicked, or otherwise threw her around, but she did fall when she kicked at me and bruised her knee, and the way she's going to tell it, I'm going to be a psycho neanderthal time-bomb.

So I don't see an option but to give up. Give her the separation agreement she wants and say it's "voluntary."

I guess it's over. No amount of flailing around will make a single hand clap, so I don't think I have a choice but to put my kids through h3ll, or cave.

So, I guess it's almost over now.

I am sorry that I dont know your story, but I do know the pain that you feel.

My WH filed for divorce when our new baby girl was 2 weeks old. He moved out on March 11th. I am totally against divorce too...last thing in the world I want to happen, but yet here I am. I love my H so much, amazed that I have been able to hold onto that knowing that he is sleeping with her right now, knowing that he eats breakfast with OW and her daughter in the morning and walks her daughter to the school bus, and he cant even do that for our DD.

My WH threatens me that if I dont agree to his ideas of shared custody he will fight dirty to get sole custody. He does a good job of scaring me into believing him. Then I talk to my lawyer and he tells me he is crazy and needs to grow up. My WH and his parents (who completely support his A) are painting this picture that I am this depressed crazy person who thinks her H is cheating on her, and that I am making it all up, and that all of his recreations of the past are the truth. Well lawyer tells me not to worry about that crap becuase thats all it is and judges are not stupid, they have seen this a million times before and they are wise to it all.

My situation seems so unsalvageable sometimes, but yet I still hope. I still hope that WH will see through the fog, I hope he will remember how much I love and care for him. Even on the hardest days I still have hope and wont give up. I promised myself the first day I came here, I came here looking for help, looking for guidance, looking for hope...that is what I got, and then I decided that I wouldnt give up, and I promise myself that every day.

You know what I tell myself sometimes, I tell myself knowing what I know, if I was him, I wouldnt want him to give up on me. So I keep fighting for him.

It's not over TD.....have hope, have faith.
If I can, so can you.

Hope and faith, I have. However, my duty to protect my kids by establishing boundaries for them and for me is where I must focus now.

Perhaps the boundaries and consequences of her choices will get her to change her mind. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm trying to establish the boundaries while continuing to demonstrate my love and gentleness for her. Even if we do divorce, I hope and pray she wakes up and submits her life and choices to God.

I did notice that when I took a step, in gentleness towards divorce, reluctantly, but confidently, she almost immediately took a step back from it. I know her new fellow is already an EA with her, but I'm hoping that it's not much deeper than a crush so that she can leave the relationship to keep her head clear.

Like you said, it's not over, but I guess the path I need to be on, if restoration will happen at all, is the one that looks like it's leading to D. Like I tell my girls, God's not done with mommy!

Thanks.

Why do you have to say the separation agreement is voluntary?

Is this a formal separation agreement?

In mine I had my attorney add statements that made it clear that I was opposed to the separation, that it was detrimental to the family, and that the only reason I was agreeing to the separation document was to establish child custody details and division of assets. It was crystal clear what my position was.

Can't you do something similar?

WAT

In my state, a divorce based on voluntary separation, which is what she's asking for, must, actually be voluntary. The case-law says that merely accepting what you can't change doesn't make it voluntary.

That's been the problem up till now.

What I'll be seeking in my state is called a "Limited Divorce" because this state doesn't have "legal separation." It establishes custody and questions like who gets the house, and what kind of support should be paid by whom, but it doesn't disolve the marriage.

Well, I'm not an attorney and I'm not familiar with your state's laws, but can't you disagree with the "voluntary" label? Agree that it's voluntary on her part, but you disagree?

What state is this?

Do you have your own attorney - separate from hers?

WAT

Yes, I have my own attorney... and he's good.

The state is MD. I just finished law school in December (and I even got an A in family law in the very last semester - what a cruel joke).

In my state, if one spouse leaves and the other spouse isn't on-board with the separation, it's desertion, which is a fault-ground for divorce, but a voluntary separation is a no-fault ground. I could seek an absolute divorce after one year of desertion, or either of us could seek an absolute divorce after one year based on voluntary separation, but she cannot seek a divorce for 2 years without it truly being voluntary, if I don't agree. She told me this is why she wanted me to get a job in Texas, because after I live there 6 months, if she doesn't come with me, she can seek a divorce without my consent.

Well, something changed in Maryland in the past 4 years because that's where my legal separation and divorce took place. Wasn't anything like you describe - or I totally misunderstood what was going on.


So, let her desert you.

Can you make a pleading that you don't agree with breaking up the family? I did this at the divorce stage - even named OM as the co-adulterer (even though I didn't counter file for adultery). It's all on the public record.

WAT

I'm with WAT on this, TD. Why are you trying to shield your WW from the consequences of her multiple adulteries? If you care nothing for your marriage or yourself, why aren’t you at least proactively protecting your daughters from contact with a presumably endless stream of predators?

Friend, it's time to yank yourself out of the morass, take up for yourself, and start fighting the alien. Come on, man. Unleash your pit bull of an attorney and let him do his job. You can still do Plan A with your wife, if that’s what you want. Let your lawyer talk divorce with her attorney while you talk only marriage with your wife.

I know only one way to ensure things will never get better and that’s for you to keep on rolling down the river, going with the flow and being nice to the alien. Get with the program, mister. It’s time to get up on your hind legs and fight back, as Grandma used to say.

Yes, I can tell the court that I don't want a divorce, and yes, desertion will be the grounds that I intend to use.

MD family law hasn't changed in any big ways in the last few years. The "limited divorce" is a doctrine that comes from middle-ages Ecclesiastical courts that would allow a wife to live her own life under certain bad circumstances, though it wouldn't disolve the marriage.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm beginning to feel that the only real possibile way she'll come back, is if I, gently, and with love, let go and allow her out of the marriage.

This is the hardest thing I can do, but if I throw up road-blocks and use delay tactics, it only seems to harden her heart to me and stiffen her resolve, and encourage her to fight dirty to make me cave.

She is unwilling to stop seeing her new beau to concentrate on either dealing with becoming single without that emotional distraction and distortion on her perceptions, or even possibly contemplate working on us.

So, for now, like I said, I think the only way to work on Marriage-Building is to let her go until her conscience overcomes her hardened-heart, and she chooses to come home, completely.

Longhorn,

I *AM* standing up for my kids. I *am* pushing forward with the legal options. And I *am* in the process of letting my WW taste the cup she's poured for herself.

But I'm doing it with a broken heart, and without anger.

There was a time last night, as we were discussing the logistics of making our current separation more permanent, she broke-down and wept. She said she didn't know why, but that this was something she *had* to do. She also admitted that maybe she's making a huge mistake (separation & new OM).

The fog is still so thick, and she's invited it back on herself. This morning, I was remembering something she said a few weeks after the original D-Day, and she was honestly trying at that point to bring herself back. She marveled at how everything she did with OM was based in a complete fantasy world. She's doing and saying the exact same things now, and she doesn't see it. She doesn't see that she's tracing the exact same blue-print as before. The only difference this time is that she decided to move out to make her new life that much easier and less accountable.

I'll offer what worked for me long term in a similar sitch - a WS he!!bent on taking up life with an OP. Maybe you've done most of this already.

After doing the best Plan A I could, then went to Plan B, making sure she knew and everyone else knew I wanted to keep the family together and re-build the marriage - I did not hinder her decisions to get a separation document, to move out, and to ultimately be divorced. Every step of the process - beginning with her decision to have an affair in the first place - was her decision. Along the way I made sure my preferences were documented in every legal instrument that was used. I instructed my attorney to make sure my butt was covered, but to not hinder the process one bit. Someone reading the record would have a clear understanding that this was ALL her doing.

She got what she wanted. Divorced and married to the man she wasn't having an affair with. As a result, she owns all of it and I am guilt free.

Just for what it's worth.

WAT

WAT,

Likewise, my WW is making her own choices. And there is no doubt that this entire mess is her own doing. Even the kids know it's what Mommy is choosing to do.

Funny, though, how the WSs are adamant that their flings are NOT adultery or an affair. How it isn't I don't know, but I know that Crystal still gets viscerally mad if it is suggested that her previous actions were an affair and/or adultery.

I am hoping to prevent her from going down that path. As they say, "Would you rather be right, or married." In my case, I would rather do what's right, and stay married, if possible. I don't know how much choice I have. I'm fighting for her like you wouldn't believe - on my knees... in prayer.

I firmly believe that God's Holy Spirit is a gentleman, in that He won't force someone to do right, but will prompt and invite people to abandon sin and walk in righteousness. There's a small army praying for me, my kids, and Crystal. The prayer for her is that her heart soften to the Holy Spirit. Every now and then I see that she is starting to have a conscience, but I think she's afraid to turn and face God.

On this path, I know I am not sinning, and I think I'm doing what God wants me to do based on where I'm standing in this mess. I know He'll sustain me, and I know He has good planned for my life. Crystal knows she can stop this ride at any point and, if she's really willing to commit to the marriage, she can re-join us and we can re-build.

I guess when I say I'm giving up, I'm no longer actively trying to get her to return, I'm moving forward with what she says she wants, and I'm going to let her own the misery she's put a deposit on. I'm sad because I had really wanted to help her avoid the pain ahead of her, but not by shielding her. I wanted her to abandon the path of destruction to avoid the pain.

It sounds like you're guilt-free in the final destruction of your marriage. I will be, as well, but I'm hoping and praying that the choices I make will convince her to get off of her path before its end.

Yep - my XW still denies she had an affair. Don't know what she calls it.

I imagine it's some sort of self delusion or denial of reality because they know it's wrong, and what they're doing feels so right that it must be something else. They're "special." We hear the same basic story here all the time.

WAT