thanks,she told me last night that she knows what shes doin and she would not give me and the kids up and our fairly new beautiful home unless she knew what she was doin...she says this guy and her are perfect together...were goin to turks and caicos together saturday or a week with the kids this was scheduled before all this bs happened...hopin 4 the best thanks for any guidance u can give me...this all happened so suddenly...

She "knows."

Right.

They all "know."

Foglatin.

You'll hear some stuff lots crazier than that soon enough. We've heard it all. It's all dopamine induced drunken stupor talk. Guaranteed she acts like a teenie bopper. Tell me I'm wrong.

You be the model citizen on your trip. You can't force her to give up her perfect guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You have to lure her back.

Time is on your side.

Do you now agree that you will not move out of your home?

WAT

She needs "space" to carry on her affair unimpeded. Tell her if she needs "space" to go in the bathroom and shut the door. But whatever you do, DO NOT LEAVE. It will greatly harm your position and only enable the affair. Like I said MANY COURTS view this as abandonment!

yes i do thanks.....

i am trying to do this without lawyers were using a mediator if he recommends i should leave should i?

she is dressing and acting different...

No, No, No!

What you should "mediate" is the end of her affair so that you two get a chance to salvage your marriage.

Conducting an affair is not something you mediate.

If she will not end her affair, and she wants to separate, then the only mediation is how to divide your assets and how to handle child cistody, etc. AFTER she moves out. Period.

No way, no how, nada, zip zilch - you do not move out.

Stand your ground.

Just because a mediator gets involved does not mean you instantly have to lose good sense.

WAT

Gosh, mruggi, I would like to chime in with a note of confirmation about you not leaving and letting the OM come in. I learned this the hard way. I moved to the side allowing WS to leave when he had his first A on me (didn't try to reason with him). When this happened he and OW got together, slept together.

Also on a recent Dr Phil episode there was a chick in same sitch you and wife are in. Her H left and the next thing you know this woman had the kids actually around them as if this man would be a replacement.

Mruggi, It sounds like you will want to know what rights you have legally to get a step ahead of WW. Right now is a vulnerable time b/c you were just hit with this and you may still feel some shock over what she has said.

Try to keep a clear head about the matter. Try not to Love Bust, but rather stand firm that you want to save your marriage and you will not leave, and be safe for her to approach you. And defintiely try not to beat yourself down about it.

Also what info do you have about the OM, the A? May want to have yourself checked out if you have any concern about her have SF without protection. If you don't have much info and WW is still in the home I would just suggest a few little things,(of course all at your own risk, without wife knowing, very discreetly) apply keylogger to PC to get info, check out cell phone bills and tracked numbers of OM, If you have his name, and area he is from you may be able to google it, snoop into WW's things to try to get info about the sitch, hire PI and so on? This is snooping and not to be done with WW knowing about it. I wish you the best.

DID YOU READ THE THIONGS I HAD WRITTEN TO YOU IN YOUR OTHER THREAD ABOUT "THE CHEMICALS OF LOVE!"???

bb

ALso, what others have said above is so important about understanding how A work. THe affairees are many times so deceptive, this is how the A survives. They also take the BS up and down ont he rollercoaster. Get as much info to gear yourself up for the journey.

i found out where om lives and works.now what

You said earlier OM was single. How do you know this?

What kind of work does he do? Type of business/company? Is it a public position?

WAT

You don't have to do ANYTHING!! So what would you do with or without lawyers?? She is the one who needs a lawyer, not YOU! You tell any "mediator" that you strongly recommend that the WIFE leave without the KIDS if she wants to seperate so badly.

Stop surrendering your marriage and your kids security without a fire being shot, my friend!! You are laying down and dying before you get to the battle field. I am sure the OM appreciates it, but it sure won't help YOU OR THE KIDS!

either bar manager or restaurant partner

Try your best to not be cowering in the corner and let her have everything she asks for. Try to pull your self up, be the calm, sane one in the family. Show strength, character, and stand for what is right. Do not raise your voice. Speak to your WW in a calm, firm, but loving voice. Listen to her and feed back what she says to her to let her know you heard her...ask her if you got everything or is there any more? (re-Harville Hendrix)

Your WW is trying to normalize her affair. It is like she has been abducted by aliens and now speaks foglatin...as WAT says.

I absolutely agree...do not move out...if anyone should it needs to be her...and without the kids.

You can see an attorney to find out where you stand in your state and to be ready to protect yourself and the kids if necessary.

As well as His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair, I recommend James Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough'.

she says when i drink i get nasty about the sich