Hi Everyone,
I’m new here, although I’ve been lurking for over a month. I’m hoping that you can give me some hope back. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 years—although we did break up for 6 weeks over 10 years ago. He told me that he was “bored and in a rut”. More on this breakup will come later in my story.
Needless to say, we got back together—he called me every two weeks while we were broken up and then we ended up watching movies together one night and we’ve been together ever since. Things haven’t been as good the last few years. I was the manager of a restaurant—which means at least 50-60 hours a week and that meant that I didn’t spend as much time with him as I could have. I ended up moving in with him over 5 years ago. Anyway, his mother ended up getting Alzheimer’s and her doctor said that she needed 24-hour care. We couldn’t afford to put her in a nursing home and he made a higher rate than me, so we decided that it would be best if I left my job to stay at home with her. Part of me resented this—his mother hated me—not because I was rude or anything, but because I’m overweight—but I figured it was the best thing for our family so that was okay.
I’ve had a really bad 3-4 years—I’ve lost 6 people, my career, and I ended up gaining A LOT of weight—150 lbs. to be exact—due to depression. I found out in August of 2005 that my bf was cheating on me. His mother had passed away in May so I really don’t have anything keeping me here. I have no children, but I do have 3 dogs who are my world and my bf’s world. But I do love him and I honestly believe that our relationship is worth all of this trouble. It just hurts so damn much at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
After finding out about his little girlfriend, I actually sat down and thought about if I did still love him and want to be with him. When my answers came up “yes”, I then thought about myself and what had I done wrong and how could I fix myself. Of course the first thing I could start working on was my attitude—I realized that my depression was ruining everything and that was enough to wake me up, so to speak. (I wasn’t clinically depressed, just depressed because of the losses and stuff that kept happening to me. Not a year went by where I didn’t lose someone who I cared about. I didn’t have time to properly grieve for one person before I lost another.) I woke up which is the important thing.
Anyway, the next thing I could work on right away was my weight. On August 9, 2005 I began my weight loss journey and I’ve lost 110 lbs. to date. It’s hard work, but nothing feels as good as losing weight does. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yes, if any of you are wondering, August 9th is the day that I found out for sure about my bf’s “friend”. Well, I figured that working on myself would be key to winning him back and I was right. He noticed the changes that I was making and he stopped calling her and seeing her. At this point he didn’t even know that I knew about her. I was afraid that he would choose her over me and I couldn’t handle that so I didn’t say anything to him about what I knew.
Well, he wasn’t calling her or going to see her—I knew where she lived and I was checking his cell phone bill so I knew that I was right, and on October 5th we were actually “friendly” if you know what I mean, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> for the first time in a very long time. I was so happy and hopeful because it was good. Until October 10, 2005 when my bf got a message that he had to go see OW because she was pregnant. Supposedly she didn’t know about me until this night. I find this hard to believe because my SIL called OW and left her a voice mail about how she couldn’t get her own man she had to try to steal someone else’s. I didn’t know about my SIL phone call until December, but looking back I think it’s kind of—what’s the word—convenient that my SIL calls her in August and the OW gets pregnant in September. But what do I know, right? Oh yeah--and I also recently found out that when he broke up with me 10 years ago it was because he had met her and they went out a few times and she was a virgin and then she ended up blowing him off.
My bf told me that he would never see her again if she lost the baby—and she did lose the baby on February 1st. My bf and her had talked on this Wednesday night. She wanted to know what was going on, the baby was going to be born soon and she wanted to move into the house to get things ready and he told her—again—that he didn’t want that and she said, “So you don’t want to be with me anymore? You don’t want to see your daughter?” She started crying and then hung up on him. She went to bed and woke up feeling weird a few hours later so she went to the E.R. and it turned out that the baby was already dead. Because she was a high risk pregnancy—her doctor’s didn’t even want her to stay pregnant because she has diabetes, high blood pressure and only one kidney that works—anyway, because of her medical problems they went in right away and took out the baby and her last ovary. Did I forget to mention that she only had one ovary in addition to all of her other problems? So she told my bf a week later about losing the baby and he didn’t see her again.
Again, everything was good for over a month and then he started acting edgy again. I was able to get a hold of his cell phone and I discovered that she had called him again. I guess that she’s having a hard time dealing with the miscarriage and she said that she still loves him and doesn’t blame him for her losing the baby—even though he “pushed her over the edge.” So I’ve been investigating and I found out that he’s been to her house 3X in the last month. So okay, it’s not over.
Now he’s telling me that he needs space and that we see too much of each other and that he thinks I should get my own apartment. He said that he’s not going to move her in if I move out and that we’ll still be able to see each other and I’m like??? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been doing Plan A and I guess I just need ideas on what else to do. I’ll be honest—I don’t have the money right now to move out so I’m kind of in a bind here. Oh—about her—he said that she’s really hurting and messed up because of losing the baby and she’s making a lot of bad decisions right now. He’s only been by to see her because he feels guilty.
When she isn’t in the picture he actually likes me, talks to me like I’m a person and not to blame for all of the crap in his life, he WANTS me—and when she’s in the picture I’m to blame for everything and never mind sex—I just can’t compare to her. She’s younger, thinner, more aggressive—and I’m still 90 lbs. overweight and of course my self confidence is at an all time low because of this whole mess. Why would I feel comfortable approaching him when I feel like I can’t compete in this way?
Tonight he went out. He told me that he thinks I should go out at night. I did last night—it was my nephew’s 1st birthday and we always have a little party on the actual day for the kids—and I came home at 8:30. I’m wondering if he went out tonight because I went out last night. That would be just like him. This isn’t the first time that he’s acted like a child when I’ve done things—even when he told me to do them. He doesn’t even realize that either. It’s like payback to me because I left him alone in the house. He won’t come with me so…
He also told me that I should find myself a boyfriend and then get married and have kids before it's too late. Like WTF? I just don't know what to do anymore. The thing is, I honestly believe that he’s in this “fog” that I’ve read about. Especially because of how he treats me when she’s not in the picture. So if any of you have any advice, I would appreciate it. Sorry this is so long--I figured you needed to know what's up before you can offer any advice. Thanks for taking the time to read it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
