I'm writing this mainly for those of you who haven't followed my long, long story. If you've been following me, you will find nothing new here.

Briefly, my wife of 29 years began an intense EA with OM#1 about 6 years ago. That lasted for a couple of years until he ended it. Then, she did it again, even more intense, with OM#2 she met in an internet chat room. This time it became so intense she wanted him (and his W) to move into our house with us.

LONGGGG story short, I did a Plan A (at least my attempt at such), a Plan B...and my wife continued (and continues to this day) her EA with OM#2. She filed for a legal separation almost 1 year ago, and I responded with a petition for a divorce. We were divorced on November 17 (2005).

Some of my MB friends have felt that some of you who are in the middle of this awful betrayal could benefit from my story of personal recovery. I know what it is like to be where you are....you wonder if there is even an reason to continue living because there SURELY will never, never be another happy day in your life.

To that end.....this is what I posted last night on my long life story thread:



I have spent a great deal of time thinking about cc’s comments regarding me adding a thread discussing my personal recovery. I’ve really had a lot of mixed emotions about doing such a thing.

It just so happens that at about the same time my #1 mentor nailed her now famous “IS IT ME OR WHAT?” treatise on the church door. Part of what she had to say:

“MB seems a lot different than when I first came here...

… count on finding folks to encourage me to have HOPE and NOT TO GIVE UP ON MY MARRIAGE OR MYSELF...

The MB FORUM espoused a DIFFERENT MESSAGE than what I HEARD OUT HERE IN THE WORLD...

The message out here was GIVE UP..MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE..DIVORCE IS OK....”

She was careful to note that she was not saying that those who divorced had failed.

But…sometimes I just feel like there may be someone, somewhere out there who may look at me and say “wow…Georgia divorced and he’s okay. Maybe it’s not that bad after all…”, and that message scares me. I don’t want to be one of those folks who come to this board and minimize the impact of divorce, or sound like I’m “justifying” it. I suppose that I would still have a hard time “justifying” my divorce, other than to say that I know that I had played the Hosea* role as long as I could.

(* Old Testament book in which Hosea is commanded to “go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms…(1:2)” and then “he went and took Gomer…(1:3)”. Sorry for the hotel room Gideon’s KJV language, but I didn’t bring my NAS with me on this trip.)

But…I suppose any message I would give would be bittersweet (about time to dust off that word and use it again).

Yes, I have discovered now that I can be happy without my wife. This is something that I didn’t really think possible when I was going through all the turmoil of the whole mess. I thought my happiness, peacefulness, and contentment were history. I could REMEMBER when I used to be happy, but I couldn’t conceive of being happy again. So…in one sense I want to express a message that divorce, if it is unavoidable (and only you know in your own mind…when you are alone with God and not trying to fool anyone) doesn’t mean the end of a meaningful life, that indeed it can be a new beginning.

That was the “sweet” part, now for the “bitter”.

Everything in your whole life changes, in ways that I didn’t even imagine. There are SO many experiences that no other person on the planet shares with me except xW. There are thoughts, memories, songs, friends, extended family, pets, vacations, hurts, deaths, accidents, illnesses, births, the list is endless…that I could TELL you about…but xW KNOWS these things because we experienced them together and she is, and always will be, a part of them.

This thought I’m trying to express is that there is a lifetime of history that can never be replicated in any relationship with another person. It’s almost like your body is split in half and the two halves go in separate ways. (The 2 shall become 1…).

Today I began reading “Surprised by Joy” which is somewhat of an autobiography of C.S. Lewis. His mother died at the age of 45 from cancer when Lewis was 10 y.o. He had been extremely close to his mother, but never close to his dad. He summarizes the change in his life as follows:

“With my mother’s death all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable, disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of Joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis.”

His words express so aptly what I am trying to express. If I can use the same thoughts in regards to the death of my marriage, you can begin to grasp what I’m getting at. There is fun, there are pleasures, but it’s not the “old security” I enjoyed BEFORE all this stuff with OM#1 (like a cancer) begin to spread and led to the eventual death of my marriage. But, in much the same way that Lewis had no control over the death of his mother, I feel I had little control over the death of my marriage.

Okay, so what message am I sending to those showing up here that have been / are being beaten to a mental pulp by their wayward spouses? I suppose it would be that your marriage is worth saving simply because there is no one, absolutely no one, who can ever take the place of your spouse. However, if you cannot save your marriage (and from experience I believe that there are marriages that will not be saved), then know that there can be a pleasant, peaceful, and rewarding life without your spouse.

I don’t know if this counts as encouragement….or a warning. I’ll let the reader decide.

Would I divorce her again if I knew everything I know now? YES.

Georgia

Georgia,

Thank you for sharing your story. I am new to MB and new to dealing with an A. I have been struggling with the thought of moving on without my H. I remain ever optimistic that we can move into R but it is reassuring to know that there is life on the "other side" if that is where this leads. I was beginning to feel hopeless about saving my M but you have given me renewed hope for R. The OW may have him for now but we together have a history that they will never have. I am in Plan B (just started) and hope that my WH will come out of the fog soon.

Thank you for sharing.

Nkay

Well said, GG! The analogy of being split in two really resonates with me. I'll always miss the shared history, the intact family that's gone forever. On the other hand, I've grown stronger and happier since my WH left 5 years ago. The knowledge that we create our own happiness, that no one can do this for us, has become a reality for me. I've gained so much spiritually and emotionally that I didn't have before.

My H's A('s), complicated by drug and alcohol addiction, and eventual divorce have been the most devastating experiences of my life - not necessarily the worst, as I've had cancer and lost a child, but the most devastating. I wouldn't be the person I am today if he'd chosen sobriety and ended his A. It's what I wanted and I'm sure I would've grown tremendously through that experience too, but it's not what happened.

My mother always used to tell us "the secret of happiness is to want what you've got". Now I know she was right. Just because we aren't able to recover our marriages doesn't mean we're failures and have to live bitter, empty lives focused on the past. If we do, that's a choice. Instead, I've chosen to live in today and, for the most part, to be happy.

You nailed it GG.

Though I won't volunteer for this gig again, life does go on. My life turned out happier WITHOUT my husband. But I had to lose him to realize it.

I'm kind of a smell the roses, watch the grass grow person. Life is good again.

Wow...thanks guys for your encouraging words to me!! It is kind of liberating, in a way, to lay my story out there and maybe in some small way help out.

Nkay - I don't know your story, but continue to believe that your marriage can be saved. Even so, work concurrently to make a better and more content "you". Steve Harley counseled me to try new things I had always wanted to do...but not things that would preclude me and W from getting back together. That was when I started pottery.

I, too, hope that your H will come out of the fog. But....prepare yourself to be ready for your PERSONAL recovery is MARITAL recovery doesn't happen.

Georgia

I fought long and hard for my marriage and it cost me dearly....

But, today, I have a much better understanding of who I am and why I am that way. Knowing and accepting that made it easier to set realistic goals and to grow into a more complete adult.

My husband packed his bags and moved out over 10 years ago. And it took us over 3 years to finally divorce. Don't even want to talk about the toll - physically and financially that the ordeal took on me.

My relationship with God and myself improved greatly during that time. My relationship w/ my x remained fairly static and stinky.

Last year, our daughter was in the hospital. We had a family meeting w/ her doctor and social worker. During that meeting, we talked about what was needed in order for her to be discharged and to heal. I talked about what my shortcomings were and what I wanted to do. My x, after all these years, talked about my shortcomings and what I needed to do. His wife talked about his shortcomings and those of her own.

Did you get that........?

I had focused on me.....I could see myself better.

He, on the other hand, had married a second time but he had not moved on in terms of healing. He still saw me as a broken, faulty person - the one in need of fixing. Don't bet the doctor didn't see that.

As the result of that meeting, we ended up in family counseling.....That's right. He moved out in 1995 - this meeting happened in 2005. Now, his wife doesn't come. She is invited. I would love to have her there. That is her choice. But the children and I are always there and x has missed only 1 appt.

To this day, when x and I need to negotiate something about the children, if we discuss it in the family therapy sessions, the doctor always sides with me.

But, x and I have a better relationship than we have had in all the years since he left. I am glad I am not married to him. I couldn't save the marriage by myself and I have accepted that. After all, it was not all my fault. I could do nothing about his EAs or his hard heart. But I could work on me. And I have truly done that.

It's sort of like that song so many of us have sung in church:
[color:"blue"]I once was lost but now I'm found,
Was blind but now I see [/color]

GG thank you so much for your post. I see it as both encouragement and warning. We have much to lose if we drift apart and I for one do not intend for that to occur easily.

Like so many others who have posted here, sharing your story is not always easy and those of us working through our issues appreciate you for having done so.

Georgina

GG, I'm really glad you posted this.

For those who don't know my story I am now in a 15 month plan B with no contact (except for a few e mails about finances) with WH. He has lived with OW all this time.
There haven't been reasons for interrupting plan B as WH is being financially responsable for the house and the family (we have 3 teenage daughters).

At this point in my life my personal recovery from the ordeal is doing quite good. I'm happy, busy, I have plans for the futur and I'm starting to see my marriage like I do my childhood: something from the past that was good but ended. I have no regrets.

But with all I've learned here I now KNOW that I want a GREAT MARRIAGE in my futur, so even though I am waiting the 2 years Dr. Harley recommends I look forward to whatever happens: recovery or divorce and a new life.

It is obvious that while the A exists there is no possibility of recovery.Knowing WH he has never believed that happiness is possible, so he may very well just go on being miserable ... but that's his choice. I have learned, one of the hardest lesons to learn for me, that I cannot control his life, I cannot "fix it" for him.

I am an impatient person, but I have also learned that feelings and commitment are different things. Feelings change. Commitments shouldn't, and only we can control that for ourselves.

GG, you know how much I admire the way that you've handled yourself through the whole ordeal. You give me hope. One CAN be a better person after all this, and you are proof of that.

Good Morning -

Thanks, Cinderella, for sharing your story with me. I hope your family therapy continues to go well. It is indeed amazing how our WS's continue to want to "fix" us. I think my xW would still say that she wouldn't need another man "if only you could..." then whatever. Never accepting the fact that a 3rd person in a marriage isn't something that's okay "if". There can never be an "if".

And...cc...I continue to see that you are a strong woman who is definitely on the road to personal recover, much as I have had to do. I'm so sorry your WH continues in his little fantasy land, but I understand (from experience) that he has to be the one to make that choice.

Georgiana, thank you for your encouraging words.

Georgia

^To the top^

I'd like many to read this. It's very important

Wow, very poignant stories from some wonderful people. Cinders, I just learned about you my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Hi CC and FGG.

I feel as if I am lead to add my own two cents worth here.
I too feel as if I have had succesful personal recovery, even though I did not manage to salvage my first marriage.

I believe that by following the Plan A and then Plan B advice (although I did a poor plan B and responded when he would email me!) I was able to finally reach a point where I was able to say "I tried to save my M, I have forgiven my WxH and I am able to let him go with no ill will".
I do not love him, but I also do not hate him. I wish my boys were not living in a broken home. But I also did not want to raise my boys in a home where their Dad clearly had no respect for me, and no value for the sanctity of marriage. I remember when I filed for the D I said to the boys "I still believe in M, I still believe it is forever, and I pray you will each some day marry a woman that you will love and cherish for life. But in this particualr case it did not work out for me. That does not mean my life is over, it just means I need to move onto the next chapter.