My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We were very young when we married. He's had a series of affairs- mostly of the heart. After each one he's realized that person meant nothing to him. This latest one is a much younger girl who is not reciprocating but he's "in love with her". He wants to leave me and our kids even though there is nothing going on with her and he still tells me he loves me and that I'm his best friend and soul mate. He says he's tired of hurting me but won't get help. He wants to be alone at this point with no-one to be responsible for but himself. He wants freedom. He doesn't want to be in a marriage. The odd thing is - he's always been a controlling husband and has always gotten everything he's wanted throughout our marriage. I've wanted to make him happy and so would help him to obtain the things he wanted (material things). My heart is broken and I can't imagine life without him. He's my best friend. He blames his unhappinesson the fact that we were married so young and that he never had a chance to be on his own. He has had chances here and there throughout our marriage due to job situations etc, the longest seperation being 3 months. I feel helpless and I'm going to lose him as well as our kids losing their father. (He doesn't feel any sadness over leaving them either- he's taken a step back out of their lives over the last year and a half and they basically co-exist only.) A year and a half ago he took a job which is 2 1/2 hours one way. We have been trying to sell our house to move closer but now it looks like when it sells only he will be moving closer. The kids and I aren't sure what we will do. Is there anything I can do?
Karenpc

Wow. All of that sounds really familiar. I recently had a meltdown w/ all the same symptoms. I wanted material things all the time that never really made me happy (and my W made sure I had them), loved my family but wanted out at any cost(even though things were the best they'd ever been) and tried to control my family (when they gave me every freedom I could ever want at the time). My W and I were together at a very, very young age, and I always griped about "not having a chance" at living my own life, even though I was the one gave up that opportunity.

I could be way wrong, but it sounds to me like he is uncomfortable w/ himself and feels like he's lost control of his life. Instead of taking opportunities he has now, he is focusing on the ones that "passed him by". Wondering why he should bother making any changes, since things "never seem to get any better". Looks like he feels his only way out of the situation is to throw it all away for a fresh start, but maybe that's not working for him either? He's possibly pinning you for choices he made, blaming everything and everyone instead of holding himself accountable for his own actions?

It took accepting repsonsiblity for my own actions, realizing that someone else could step into my life and that I may never get it back, seeing that the things I "wanted" weren't what really mattered to me anyway, owning the present and my choices, and knowing that only I can control me... to get me back on track. I'm not even near where I need to be yet. I've only partially done some/all of things I've mentioned and know I have a long road ahead of me. After I decided that the life I had was the one I wanted, it took coming here to make me realize why I felt the way I did. Coming here was something I did on my own... and not because I realized I had a problem. I came here looking for the answers I wanted, not the truth, on how to fix my marriage.

My marriage is on the rocks. I'm trying to get it back on track, but I'm not sure that my W (wife) is going to have it. She is also now a WW (wandering wife), having either an EA (emotional affair) or a PA (physical affair).

I can't tell you how to deal w/ the situation. That should be left up to someone w/ more experience w/ these things than I have. There are plenty of people here tah can help you out. I'm just hoping that my post can give you some possible insight as to why he is being the way he is. It may not give you direction, but it might give you some understanding.

Welcome to MB.

Karen,

You have an important post and I fear it being missed here in "Other Topics." Would you cut and paste it into a post in the Infidelity General Questions II forum? More traffic to aid you.

Infernomatic will follow you, if you want...he can cut and paste his post on your new thread as well. I think he should. It's a good post.

There's hope and a lot of answers here for you...have you read the Basic Concepts and all of Dr. Harley's articles on the website? You might have the added ingredient of MidLifeCrisis (MLC) playing into his perspective, as well.

You're not alone...many others have been right where you are now, can empathize with you and tell you their stories, ideas and what worked for them.

No matter what happens, you'll grow here, Karen. Least that's a guarantee.

Welcome,

LA

Loving Anyway,
Thanks for the tip. I just moved it over. So how did your marriage make it?

Karen

Infernomatic
Thank you so much for sharing what you have gone through. My husband thinks he is unique with these feelings and issues and therefore there is noone out there who can help him. I guess he's not, huh! He also feels that there is noone intelligent enough to help him because he feels he could manipulate any counseling situation. How did you actually get to the point where you wanted to stay with your wife? My husband says that I'm the love of his life but it doesn't hurt him to think of us apart or to think of me eventually marrying another man. That's so hard for me to understand because my heart is in pieces right now and I would do anything not to lose him.
Karen