TD,
I'll try to give my opinion on some of your questions. If they sound cold, don't take it that way. I feel your pain. I really do. I am also a BS.
Okay first you have 8 questions here (we won't count the first one). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> They go back and fourth about how can your spouse do this and how can you survive.
While some say all of this is not explainable, I'll give it a shot.
Let's talk your spouse first. I'm going to assume you've read up on this site and you've read HNHN and SAA. The answers are all right there. So, 4 questions, basically about how can she live with herself. Alright, first off to understand this, stop trying to get to the lowest detail. Start with the 10,000 foot view, the general view. Second, try to step back and think of your WS as just a person, not your WS, but just a normal human being. (I know the alien theorey, I'll come back to that)
The MB basics talk about the giver and taker in each person. (I'll caveat with the idea that MB principles apply to a general population. IMHO, they are not going to account correctly for someone with a severe mental illness or severe psychological problem) Assuming your WS does not suffer from this, then in short, your WS taker is in charge now. The taker is responsible for aquire and protect one's on happiness, and the giver is responsible for providing and protecting others happiness. How can she do these things, because her taker says its okay.
If you want to understand that, think back to some point in your life when your taker was in charge. Surely you have done something in your life where you said, this makes me feel good, and I'm going to do it, and I don't care what other people think or feel about it. Now, you maybe saying, okay, I get that her taker is in charge, I get she is trying to acquire and protect her happiness, but why did it have to be an A.
The analogy I'll use is embezzlment. Most companies are astonsihed by employees who embezzle from them. How could they do it? Studies show you that people only need two elements. 1)Opportunity. 2) Ability to rationalize the behavior. Companies know that everyone can develop the ability to rationalize the behavior. That's why the spend billions on controls to eliminate the opportunity.
So, your WS's taker was in charge and gave her the ability to rationalize a whole range of behaviors. It sent her on a quest to acquire happiness however it could be found. She did not set out to have an A. She set out to find happiness. She probably tried many things along the way. Probably tried with you at first, then tried shopping or getting a new hobby or a job. Some people probably try drugs, or alcohol, etc. Subconciosuly, their taker has opened the whole world experiences (good or bad) for them to try in this quest for happiness. One day she met OP and they made her feel happy. The taker is still in charge. Now that the WS has acquired happiness they will protect it.
I'm purposely not placing a judgement on this behavior. IMO, its not "good" behavior, it may be illusory, etc. But it is the way most people go through life. You try things and if you like them you do them again and keep doing them. When people are in balance between their giver and taker, when they are recieving as much happiness as they feel they are giving, they confine themselves to noble activities. But when it gets out of balance, they face the age old fight or flight. They can't live with the imbalance.
When people talk about aliens, I think what they are saying is I've just met a person who's taker is totally in charge. This is very foreign and most likely someone you don't want to be around. (Truthfully, if you met someone's whose giver was totally in charge, they would be just as much an alien. Just a different planet I guess). Its also interesting how the taker seems to be so short term focused, while the giver is long term.
So, now to how you go on. Focus, be patient, better yourself, have a plan. Again, all MB principles. I'd challenge you again to take the 10,000 foot view of things. You and your WS are not that different. You both want happiness. In fact you both probably want happiness for yourselves and each other. The key difference is you believe that you can both reach that goal together, in the M. Right now she does not believe that. That's the difference. Don't take it personnally or as an attack. Its a difference of opinion.
Again, 10,000 foot view, think of your WS as just a person. If you had a difference of opinion with a next door neighbor, you probably wouldn't flip out. You would debate about it. Why do they have that opinion? Explain why you have your opinion. What evidence can I use to support my opinion?
Why does she not believe that her happiness will come from working on the M. Well, she has experimented. In her mind she has proof that she is happier in the A. (or if not in that A, at least in another R, because she can't remeber feeling that happy in the M) Its the best she's felt in years. Now, we all know that it is temporary, it is an illusion, its the newness or the fact that the affair partners have yet to have to deal with the work that comes from a full R. But the taker is in charge. Protect that happiness. Protect it now, worry about tommorrow tommorrow. The taker whispers in their ear, look how much happier I've made you, trust me. The taker blinds them from everything else. (This is IMO, the fog). I'm dramatizing this quite a bit. I would imagine that WS run the gamut of this continuem from full "go with where the taker leads" to some actually probably do this introspection and consider the pros and cons of staying in the M or getting out.
So, what is your plan to provide her the evidence that you and your WS would be happier in the M. What is your plan A? The way you go on is to tell yourself your going to be a better man. You're not sad or afraid. You have someone you care about who has the same goal as you. You just disagree on how to get there. Build your case, show your evidence in actions and words. When you meet her taker, don't let it deter you from your plan. Remember, you are not negotiating with her, your are negotiating with her taker. Show her taker that you are the ultimate source of happiness. Her taker, will eventually lead her away from OP and to you. Focus on your actions.
Anyway, hope none of that sounds too crazy. I'm not trying to trivialize M or say its easy to separate your emotions from things. That's just how I try to keep going on.
Good luck
PS the post abotu seeing a doctor about AD's. Highly agree. This situation is a shock to the system and most people need AD's at least for a while.
