Hello. First post here. I don't know where else to go for advice. I'm 25, my wife is 21. We got married almost a year ago. We have been together for 6 years almost. Since she was 16 and I was 19. Anyway the first few months of our relationship were like any normal teenagers. Hot and heavy, but after say 3-4 months, she lost interest in all things physical. I would have to ask/hint/beg for anything, and even then she'd give in once or twice a month... not really what I wanted while going through my "sexual prime".

I love her and am a very romantic person, so I'll stay with her even if she doesn't want sex. But over the 5 years that we dated before we got married, we never had sex. There was just about everything but the kind of sex that makes babies (don't really know what's allowed here yet as far as terms).

She told me the whole time that marriage would be different because she would be receiving and giving at the same time. Well marriage isn't different. She doesn't want sex, flat out. She'll try sometimes for me, and it feels "ok" at the time, but it’s awkward for us knowing she's not interested. I am an emotional guy, and she's stubborn and fairly unemotional. I know I push her too much. I've gone 3 weeks before with out ANYTHING sexual between us (which is hard at our age and that were newlyweds). She didn't seem to care, and it didn't help like I had hoped it would.

I ask her if there’s anything I did, or anything I can change. She says no, she just doesn’t have desire.... We cannot afford marriage counseling right now, so I came here hoping someone could give me some insight on what may help.

Thanks very much.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to MB,
Venting allowed,

also most of us are adult, we get the picture about your sexual escapades before marriage. (no further explaination needed) in the future - petting, or OS will suffice.

The abrev. is SF = sexual fullfilment.

There are quite a few other posters here that have better insight than me - I just don't want anyone to be left hanging.

There is a lot of free stuff on this site - even some that regard sexual frustrations like yours and W.

There are things you can do and there are things W can do.
There is information in the articles.

First thing for you is to read thru lovebusters and give them up.

Also calm down - let W know you love her.

Good luck -

Hope

i read the love busters. And i've been refreshing this page a few times a day hoping there was more insight. Anyone go through something similar? Have any suggestions?

I was hoping some others would join in - we will see.

When you bring up the subject it is important to stay calm -
make her feel safe - avoid having her feel inadaquate
Have you looked at the emotional needs questionaire ?


Is there any history she has that could have affected this ?
Molestation as a young girl ?
What is her relation with her mom and dad ?

Are they still together ?

Does she respond to touch in a non-sexual way ?
holding hands - hugs - just being next to you.
She may need to know that you value the simple physical
touch also without a sexual conclusion.

She may be at a very early stage of sexual development.
A woman's prime is suppose to be around 35.

don't rush things.

Also - after each reply you should post something so that
we know you're still here - I thought you left.

thanks for the tips <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
She has no real problems in the past. Home life was great, still is (we live in a guest house on her parents property). No molestation. Her dad is awesome, her mom has a drinking problem, but I dont think that factors into this.

She loves being next to me, cuddling, holding hands etc. Thanks again. I did look at the emitional needs questionaire, it seems that I was at fault for most of them, and she was doing flawlessly. I told her I have been researching online and that I may be the cause of most of the issues but I wasn't sure. She's open to trying to help get more intimate.

Sounds like you've got a good start - keep up with the cuddling - most women respond well to this.
There are different stages of sexual arrousal for women.
Let her know you are interested in her needs as much as your own. I did come across an article by Steve Harvey that addressed this issue but I'll have to look for it.
I am still hoping for someone who may have gone thru this to jump in.

thanks for keeping my post alive. And thanks for looking for the article. I really appreciate it.

Hey JSG: (short for justsomeguy)

As luck would have it: read this response one of the Harvey's gave to a letter writer:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

let me know if the link worked - it is an explanation
of the different levels of aroussal for women.

Also let us know the progress (via SF accomplished - no other details req'd) - often times there are people looking that are too modest to post or state such problems - when you let us know what works it will help them also.

Good luck -

P.S. - you might want to pick up some K_Y jelly

wow, thanks so much! I read that entire thing. I'm asking my wife to read it also. It looks very helpful. Thanks again!

Justsomeguy, your story sounds like mine, only I'm 11 years out from that point. it is very frustrating thinking the whole time that after you get married things will be like you want, and then wham, reality sets in. It's kind of like life played some cruel trick. HEr you are with this really hot girl that you;ve been wanting now forever and you thought she wanted you just as much (although I'm sure in retrospect there were clues to the contrary) and now that you can finally have the freedom to do whatever, her desire is gone.

I'm going to give some advice that may not go with the theme of this board, not does it necessarily go with what I believe,but here it is.

Stop now, consider carefully if this is how you want to live the reast of your life. Do it before you have children, financial decisions, etc. that limit your options. Not to be the voice of doom, but it may never get to the point you want. Mine never did. No amount of reading, trying new things, being romantic on my part ever seemed to do much to help. Our mismatch lead to a lot of frustration and resentment on both ends. The frustration only tends to make things worse. Year after year it builds up. Are you ready to handle that. Sorry to be a voice of doom, but you need to know what to expect. If you continue as is, you are in for a life full of frustration, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of not being loved, feelings of why bother. The truly sad part is that she will be having the exact same feelings.

Notice that I did include the "as-is" clause. I do think there are ways to make this better and I wish I could give you lots of advice, but i am just now starting that process myself. Maybe if you do it now you will be much better off than I was and save both of you a lot of undue grief that my wife and I have had to face. I encourage you to read all of the MB stuff and buy the book. Unfortuantely on this board, you here mainly from people who are in the midst of an affair or recovery from on. I would have loved for someone to show me this information way back when. It could ahve made a tremendous difference in our lives. Dr. H is right on with a lot of points. Not inly will it lead to your goal of an improved sex life, but will make both of you much happier people. I can' tell you enough how fortunate you are to have stumbled on this site at the beginning stages of your marriage.

In short, adjust your expectations, read and practice all of the MB stuff you possibly can, and pray hard for strength. I keep reading that the results can be astounding. I am only beginning to see some of them. I hope to get to a point soon where I can come back here and give you a resounding "THIS IS AWESOME"!

JSG:

I will agree now is not the time to start a family. I just want to say don't explore the negative side until you have given it your best shot. You said W does respond to physical touch in a positive way - W just needs to take it one more step for you and herself.

Is your wife afraid of getting pregnant? Are you using a really good birth control method? Sometimes fear of pregnancy can cause young women to avoid SF.

our birth control seems to have worked so far. She loves the idea of children, and so do I, just not yet. I dont think taht factors into this, but I'll ask her. Thanks

well she's been willing to try, so far so good. thanks for the guidance! I'll report back in a week or 2

Sounds good so far - hopefully W will develope from "trying" to becoming a willing participant - thanks for checking in - BTW take it slow.

I can't tell you how good it makes me feel if I was of any help.