I have never posted on this site before but I'm desperate. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, we have three kids and one on the way. About 5-7 months ago our marriage really started to break down. i had a miscarriage in August and found myself completely alone. which I was before too just never really needed him so much before. Anyway this girl started working with him and in this short time they have gotten very very close. I have been expressing my discomfort for where the relationship was headed for about 4 months but that seems to be doing no good. In fact in the process he has told me that he can't imagine his life without her and she has quickly become his "best" friend. My husband has always been on the distant side but he trusts and confides in her without hesitation. She is the very needy type who is always asking things like "why douesn't anyone love me" or "doesn't anyone like me" to which my husband responds you are a great person, you're a catch someone is going to love you. It hasn't become physical yet but they could reach out and touch it if they wanted to. She was calling him and texting him all the time for comfort and support until she overheard him asking me why her calling all the time was a problem. He has openly admitted enjoying work more whne she's there and having a lot in common with her as far as points of view go. He has already said he will not give up his relationship with her for us and I don't know what to do. He keeps saying they are just friends but his desire to be around her is so strong that he tried once to distance himself from her and couldn't bring himself to do it. He goes to the mat everytime to protect her even if it means hurting me. Am I crazy or is something going on? We have regularly been tossing around the idea of divorce but he says he doesn't want that. But if he doesn't why keep hurting me and protecting her. And why has he been so much happier since we started crumbling. If not feelings for her then waht is it?

TIA
Mellysue

Mellysue - This sounds EXACTLY like what I went through 9-10 months ago. My husband & I were just finishing up our 7th year of marriage - we have 1 child, when last May - June, my husband found a "friend" that showed him how happy he could be - how sweet! He talked to his friend, whom he had met & worked on special projects with at work, multiple times during the day, would go special places to meet her beyond work, & told me there was absolutely no way he could stay away from her no matter how much I begged, but he had "NEVER TOUCHED HER." Somehow she ended up pregnant, I was not told the whole truth, until he found out about the pregnancy.

I tell you this to warn you of these "close friendships", & to recommend the book "Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass". It is a good book to help you recognize what is going on in the "affair" & the weaknesses in your own marriage that allowed to affair to develop.

Good luck to you - I hope you situation turns out differently than mine did.

Mellysue - Something similar has happened to me too, but I think (not sure yet, but I think) my ending is better than both of you.

My W got way too close to a "friend" at church. At an overnight retreat about 8 weeks ago, he told her he loved her and they held hands. That is all they did. He's married too. When she came back, I knew something had happened (gut feeling) so I started spying on her. I was right. She started having lengthy phone conversations with him. I confronted her 10 days later (when I had enough info) and she lied about it - said they were just friends. Confronted her again the next day with new information and she downplayed it but agreed to end it. She ended up calling him a few more times over the next 10 days until I found out about that too. Since then I do not think she has talked to him except one day in carpool line (our kids go to same school and are friends).

W has consistently said they were just friends and it's not as bad as I think it is. I always say, I hope that's right, but I don't believe you. It's hard to believe someone who has lied.

When I found out the second time I told her flat out that I will D her if she doesn't stop and she can't be friends with him any longer - and I meant it. She still claims he's a friend, but doesn't talk to him as far as I know. If she does, I will D her. I can't live like that. I was very lucky that I found out about so fast. She swears that it was never going further and they were just talking on the phone, but I can't help but think it would have turned into a full blown A if I hadn't stopped it. I know she even told one of her friends that she didn't think it would have, but "how could she really know".

Now, when I found out about it I also immediatley started doing Plan A and started trying to change myself in recognition that I played a part in this. My behavior made her vulnerable to this. It's not my fault, but it was a part of it. I was not meeting her ENs. I am trying very hard to do that now. I think it is working - she has noticed, but I have a lot of work to do since my behavior has been lacking for at least 10 years. There is a lot of info on this site and in the books referenced on this site about how to do that. We also go to MC.

I have not told the OM's wife, but I have threatened to. The OM knows I have thought about it and told my W I might (she told him). I think this was lucky too. I never intended to, and I doubt I will if it's really over, but the fact that he thinks I might is good in that he realizes this is not some game he's playing and that I can respond. He has not called her since she my W told him I might tell his W. I do know that for sure since I check the phones.

If your OW is married, I think should tell her H ASAP. I think your situation is different since your H refuses to stop contact.

Sorry you have to go through this too. It's no fun.

My H assures me that he has no romantic or physical feelings for the OW but it just feels so much like there is. Ironically his relationship with her has started almost exactly as ours did. But he claims his reassurances for her are just "fluff" and he has never given me anything less than real. But how does one go about saying and doing the same things without the same intentions? I realize how much my H and I have to work on- things that were there before he OW but can you focus on those things with a third party involved? I come from an abusive home and I have been very guilty of immersing myself in our house and children while neglecting what he needs. He has felt expendable for awhile and I need to remedy that but I don't see the use in putting my heart on the line if it means having to accept something that makes me uncomfortable and hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. He works with her so how do I tell him to stop talking to her. And if she has to be involved in his life how do I trust that it goes no further than work especially since he sees absolutely nothing inappropriate about their relationship? Thanks for all your support!

My wife has said the same thing. I guess it's possible they are telling the truth. This is something you (and me) would really like to believe and for your sake I hope it is true. I hope it is true in my case too. I think it probably was true in my case to a certain extent and up to a point, but then I think it changed and was not true anymore. Why else she did lie to me about her "friendship"? And I know for a fact she did. The answer to that is pretty obvious. Also, this is how a lot of affairs start - innocently. It happens. And it happens even to good people.

As far as making an effort when it may not pan out, what else can you really do if you really do want to stay married? Also, the effort will make you better individually - not just your marriage - and that's a key. Another thing to keep in mind is this: all you can really control or change is you. You can't control or change your H, just you. If you change you, then your relationship will change - it has to because you are different. That does not necessarily mean it will solve the problem, but it will be different.

You should get the book "Surviving an Affair". It's one of the Harley's books and it will tell you what to do. It's basically what I am doing. As mentioned, it's too early for me to tell if it's working for sure (but I think it is), but the book makes too much sense to be wrong. You can also read lots of articles on this site about this (that say a lot of the same stuff as the book - just not as much depth and detail).

Keep your head up (and believe me, I know it's hard) and get the book. Try to do what it says as far as meeting his ENs and Plan A ASAP. You need to start immediately - it takes time to work and the sooner the better - Do it even if he is still in contact with OW.

I've been reading Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix which is a fantastic book to help build a relationship and maintain it once that euphoria wears off. It explains in detail why we pick our spouses and how to nurture a relationship capable of growing and changing for the better. I've been trying really hard to look forward instead of back but when the OW is always around (I mean they stand side by side literally for atleast 3-4 shifts a week and frequently alone). She's always there and now my H is hoping we'll be friends. How do you become comfortable with your H or yourself being around someone who once recommended that he put her numbers under another name so I wouldn't know it was her let alone friends?

I think that would be very hard to deal with and I feel for you - I for one could not take that and would not take that. Working together would be a tough call, however, depending upon availability of other jobs etc. It bugs me to death that my W ever sees or talks to the OM - which she does every once in awhile at church or carpool line. At least that's all that I know of - until a few weeks ago she was using public phones to call him. Supposedly she is not doing that any longer, but how do I know for sure.

It's also possible that he is being truthful and it really is no big deal - it does not sound like it, however.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. I guess if it were me I would be doing everything I could to get them apart - including him changing jobs if that is possible.

Hang in there.

Again, our situations sound very similiar. I had neglected my husband for many years, when he found someone at work that could appreciate him. We began marriage counseling IMMEDIATELY, which has helped us both tremendously. I've actually been diagnosed with depression & anxiety disorder, which I now take an anti-depressant for - our relationship has improved so much.

I was never able to convince him to stop talking to her, he had to make that decision on his own, which he did shortly after he found out she was pregnant. He still works with her & has a professional relationship with her, but no more phone calls or private meetings. I have learned to trust him again, as I am making every effort to appreciate him & meet his emotional needs to allow no room for further affairs. He has recognized how much his affair has hurt me and our families, and I hope that in the future, should we ever have problems, we will recognize them and work them out together.

I have been in therapy for about 7 mos myself and recently suggested my H and I seek counseling but he's very hesitant. He says he'll consider it so it's not looking too good. I am very concerned that without counseling we don't have a prayer of surviving this. Being that I have been in therapy I'm more aware of what I need to change but my H lives and breathes denial. He has already told me that he does not want to be emotionally open. That he likes that about himself and doesn't want it to change. What do I do? Keep hoping ar let go. My kids are becoming very angry with my H about him leaving me alone all the time and believe that he'd rather be at work than with us. They cry everytime he's home yet they miss him terribly when he's away. I am a high risk pregnancy and my oldest is able to understand that my H isn't giving all that he should. She's sees me fighting for us and him running away. How do I keep putting the kids through this? I am a stay at home mom and if we can't work this out they will be turned inside out from the emotional aspects not to mention the fact that I will have to go back to work and they'll be in daycare. Thanks again!

I wish I knew what to tell you - I am very empathetic, but don't have much good advice except for reading Surviving an Affair and trying Plan A. Plan A can be sort of hard at times, however, because if you are angry then why would you want to try to meet someone's needs? That's sort of where I am - trying to Plan A, but at times not really caring because my entire opinion of the person I have been married to for 18 years has changed - and it changed very quickly.

Of course, you should try as hard as you can to keep this from your kids. Maybe it's imnpossible, I am not sure.

You are right in that if you can't work this out, your life will be dramatically different. I am in the same boat there too, except of course I already work. My wife doesn't. It would be a rude awakening for her and in a lot of ways I would love to make her do it. You are smart to understand the changes that will happen and factor that into your thinking.

At the same time, I read something on this board last week to the effect of "the person who cares least about a relationship controls the relationship". I think that is very profound, true, logical and simple. I don't know why I didn't think of it. I am now actively trying to put myself in that position but at the same time do Plan A and meet my wifes EN's. That's very hard to do, but I need to do it. I want my wife to know that I can live without her and I will if I have to. I think that could shock her into reality. That's not what I want, but if it happens then so be it. Consider that for your situation - at least trying to change your mindset.

Sorry I don't have more advice, but I really don't know what to do either.

Try to stay positive.

hey,

I'm a journalist researching an article on emotional infidelity - looking for a few of your stories COMPLETE ANONYMITY of course. If any of you want to share, please contact me at umullally@tribune.ie

Thanks

How do you go about fulfilling the needs of someone you are so angry with. I don't even know where to begin. My H has no desire to take any time in getting through this. He'd much rather just pretend nothing happened and go from there. But they work together, they still see eachother all the time and that's not about to change. He says he'll do what I need to remedy the situation except deal with how I feel about it. Recently he invited the kids and me to come see him at work while he was working with OW and I knew it would be a mistake but I guess I thought maybe I was wrong maybe there wasn't anything between them. So I went and of course I didn't see what I had hoped to see. I saw what I had feared. There was a familiarity between them like they'd known eachother forever and they'd be forever. They were so comfortable and at ease with eachother. Can you move on from that? They couldn't get enough of being next to eachother. My H and I haven't been that way for a long time. I don't even know that we were ever like that. He still insists I'm crazy. He still says he doesn't want to imagine his life without her. A friend of mine says the best thing to do would be to start showing him I can do without him. Stop planning things with him involved. Just move on with my life and that he'll see how it feels but if we got here by not having our needs met can that really be the answer. I am so confused.

MS - Sorry to hear about the office. The same thing has happened to me - before W's EA I was with her and OM and I felt like the third person too. Felt very strange and not too good. Now I know why I felt that way.

I think you need to do Plan A, which will be hard to do for the reasons you mentioned in your post. You should try anyway. I think that's a better idea than what you mentioned.

I also think you should move this thread (or start a new one) on General Questions II. There is much more traffic there and people over there who know much more than me.