I have been married for 5 and 1/2 years together with my H for 7 years. He has recently in the last 4-6 months started talking daily with a girl that he works with. They chit chat at work and text eachother often. At one point I looked at his cell and saw that they had texted 50 times that day. He says cause she sends short messages and that they are just friends. They have known eachother for most of their lives, her older brother and my H hung out when they were young. It bothers me cause he deletes ALL texts on his phone even from me. Says because it uses up memory of his phone, which is true. But wouldnt you want to prove to your WIFE that nothing is going on. I have confronted him on several occasions about it and he said he is tired of hearing it. That I am creating too much drama. I asked if he wanted to save our marriage he said yes minus the drama about his FRIENDSHIP. The thing that scares me is there was an affair before and I'm scared that these actions are going to eventually turn into another affair. What do I do? PLEASE HELP I'm so confused and getting fed up.

Sorry to day but even if he thinks it's just friendship it's crossing the lines on the moment that he deletes the messages.

DO you hace access to his e-mail?
Dont mention it for a few days, keep checking the mobile,

Be very nice and romantic with him.

This may look like nasty behavior, but it's the only way for you to find if something wrong is happening or about to happen.

If he turn out clean you will feel bad for the snooping but he's not being totally honest.

HAs ALL the signs of an emotional affair....this will become physical if it has not already.

Read this site...snoop find out more....

Keep coming here for advice...and learning

Hmm.

We're Just Friends

Warning Wil Robertson, Warning.

Um. Yes. It's an affair

Well, I don't have any "friends" that I text 50 times a day.

Check out Plan A, and start working on it.

I would tell him that I'm concerned that he would be willing to risk his marriage for a "friend".

Just a little suggestion: As a previous poster said, give it a little break (as far as approaching him about it). Let him think your suspicions are over. Continue to cheack his cell phone when you can. Try to be careful to this discreetly.

Better yet, if you have the cell phone info, (acct# and his ssn) call the cell phone company (provided you are on the account) and ask them if her number has been called, (if you know it) and how often.

Also consider putting a keylogger on your computer this is at your own risk). While some of these programs are great at capturing keystrokes some don't work too well. And may slow down your computer. Get his email passwords to his accounts to check if your concern has any merit.

Affairees lie to themselves about what is really happening (to avoid guilt) and will try to do the same to you so that they can give over to the A. So try not to beat yourself up about it but rather keep a cool head.

His behavior will give sypmtom to him being in an A.
>Not wanting you to check his phone or deleting info (as you've said)
>becoming defensive if you question him about it, as if there is something wrong with you (you're insecure about nothing)
>Wanting to hang on to a friendship that is crossing into inappropiate behavior
and so on.

I wish you well.

SAHRLHOO,

Your H’s friendship with this woman is very inappropriate. My guess is that this “friendship” has crossed boundaries in an EA (and possibly PA) already. But whether or not this friendship has progressed to an A, it IS a threat to your M and you have much reason to feel concerned. If this inappropriate friendship hasn’t yet escalated to an EA and/or PA, it’s just a matter of time before it will. This woman is filling some of your H’s emotional needs and it’s just a matter of time before his love bank will have enough love units where romantic love for her will be triggered and vica versa (if it hasn’t happened already).

There are many red flags in your post: People who are “just friends” don’t send up to 50 text messages back and forth every day and try to hide it from their spouses by deleting it before the spouse can read it. Also, people who are really “just friends” and have nothing to hide, will be willing and eager to show their spouses (through their actions) that they have nothing to worry about and be an open book. And such spouses will do everything they can to include the spouse in such an opposite sex friendship. Real friends are people who are friends of the marriage as well…

Anything your H say and/or does with the opposite friends which he wouldn’t do with you standing right there next to him, is cheating. Often the words, ”we are just friends” is the first indication that people are NOT really “just friends”. The extent of your H’s involvement with this friend is very worrisome. I wonder what they chit chat about all day and what they text messaging about all the time? I mean, I don’t even have this amount of contact with my best same sex friend at work!

SAHRLHOO, please read the following threads:

Emotional infidelity in the workplace
Make sure you also read all the additional links in the above thread, especially this one:

15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness

The above thread is very good and explains how betrayal usually starts and cross boundaries from platonic friendship into inappropriate friendship, from inappropriate friendship into EA and then eventually from EA into PA.

I suggest you start plan A; start snooping around (cell phone; e-mails; etc) to discover the real extent of involvement with the friend and that you keep communicating your dissatisfaction & unhappiness to him about his behavior. I also suggest you get hold of the book “NOT Just Friends” by Dr Shirley Glass and let it lay around in the house for your H to see – or you can read it in front of him and encourage him to read it too.

Hi SAHRLHOO,

Please click on my ID and read my post. What you are going through is exactly what happened w/ my H and I.

I went the route of fighting w/ him for a year to get rid of her. All he saw was my anger for that time and it just fueled him to her. "My wife is a ****** and (my friend) well she's just soooo nice". I am not sure how I should have handled it... should have been another way.

Please buy this book
http://www.shirleyglass.com/

Great book.

I am still plugging away w/ the inspiration of CJ and others here. Emotional Infedelity is dangerous to a marriage.

Julie

SAHRL, is it possible they talk on the phone when he is on his way to and from work in his car? If so, you can put a hidden recorder in his car and find out what he is talking about.

The others are right, just lie low and start doing some investigating. In the meantime, stop bringing up your suspicions to him until you have some evidence. He will only deny it.

Please read up on Plan A and try to determine what caused such a detachment in your marriage. Because in addition to busting up this affair, you will want to focus on attracting him back into the marriage.

How long ago was the first affair?

What were the "terms" of recovery that time? i.e., how did it get resolved for the health of your marriage? Who in the immediate family knew of this first affair?

Do you have any children with your H?

Do you know this woman? Do you know if she's married?

What kind of workplace is this? What sort of business? Is your H her boss or vice versa?

How old are each of you?

There was this lady who lived about a mile down teh road from us. Her husband and mine went to college together. One day she stoppped at our house and asked if she could visit with my H and she did. Apparently she had been bucked off a horse (my H is an avid horse person, trains well) and she had got a bad concussion a fwe months back and could he help her with this horse. He asked me if that was ok. I was like.. ok as long as I got with u to her house. ( Her husband wasnt around much he was a big farmer) well needless to say.. we all became "friends". We all went out to dinner togetrher, the movies etc. There were a few times where I couldnt go with my H because I had recently hurt my back and couldnt ride or stand very long.

With in 6 months we find out her H is abusive. He hit her and beats the kids. We were shocked!

We then took our leave. WE didnt want to be part of that messy marriage because it seemed to me that she was PARTICULARY interested in my h and his opinion about all her horse junk. Her husband was getting in the jealous way also.

Now i never read any messages from my h. He had always been faithful to me and always respected women. He never ogles them etc.

about 5 months after my ONS I had to go to be with my sister beadsue she was giving up a baby for adoption. While iwas gone (for a month) I found out she had:
.. been at our house for late hours
.. calling the house constantly
..telling my children I wasnt coming home I didnt lvoe them any more
.. training MY horses
.. going with MY h to the bar.
.. SHE LEFT HER H
I got that phone call about 2 days after I got back.

I confronted them both. Both saying.. we are JUST FRIENDS. Well i stepped back.. watched and listened. and still I got no reacation from my H.. but she was HOT on his tail! ( a woman always knows these things)

AGain I confront her.. and told her to NEVER come to my house gain..

that was in december of 2004...

by June 2005.. i find they have been emailing one another.. she sending him bible verses and letters with a signature of... LOVE YA>> **** ***!!!

OMG i saw red.. I called her.. told her I would kick her fanny if she came around again...

I dont see her any more.. but the rumors continued...

by Dec. 2005.. i find that my H has been calling her for the past 4 months on the cell. as early as 6am and as late at midnight. someimes just for a few minutes..

AGAIN I confront.. and again.. I am told.. WE AER JUST FRIENDS.

hmmm

affair.
looks like a duck.. walks like a duck.. quacks like a duck..

***************ITS A DUCK*********************

affairs come out. the behavior of my spouse was hide the phone.. oh i forgot it out in the truck.. i left it at work.. when i got a hold of it..empty. When i wantd to go somewhere with him.. he would through a fit.. said i was imposing on his space.

yep..

any relationship that takes your place, any relationship that requires hiding things, any relationship that requires secrets.. is INAPPROPRIATE. no matter how far things may or may not have gone.

snoop descreetly.

footprints

SAHR, get his cell phone and put it in the trash!!!! I am pulling out of an EA right now and those txts aren't going to stop unless you put a stop to it. You are his wife you have the right, ******, why don't you txt her back and say, Surprise! Guess who I am not......If he is deleting those messages I can guarantee you it's something you really DON"t want to see!!! He needs you to be strong enough to pull him away from this. It is so easy to fall into this mess and EA's aren't as obvious as a PA, we who have them do push them off as just friendships, how would our EA survive if they were perceived as a PA. These are worse and more addictive than the PA's and believe me if you don't pull him back to earth it will lead to the ultimate PA. He will be so pissed at you....prepare. I was so pissed and didn't want anyone to tell me what I was doing was wrong, I wanted to be told I was right and I wasn't doing anything wrong. There is no reason why this woman should be txting hubby so much, unless she is also sharing those intimate txt's with you too. PULL HIM AWAY!!!! He is yours, fight!