I have been married for ten years. I have a six your old son with my wife. My wife is in the military. She and my son live overseas. I live in the States. During our marriage we have had our ups and downs but no major problems. My wife put me through grad school. I helped her go to medical school. About a year ago, my wife went to officer training. It was our first significant time apart. She seemed to have a good time. She said she made some close friends. When she came home she seemed in a daze. She said that she needed time alone. She went downtown to a bookstore. I discovered that night that she actually met a male friend from her training at a bar. I actually picked her up at the bar that night. During the course of the next year she traveled to visit her buddies from the Army four times. I complained but to no avail. On two of those trips the guy that she met at the bar was present. Since, she appears to have dropped contact with him. My wife deployed overseas about six months ago. Due to work constraints I was not able to follow my wife overseas. However, I have traveled to visit her four times. I usually go for a week. At Christmas, I went for two. During our time together we always have fun. During the time that we have been separated we talked on the phone daily, sometimes for hours, until about a month ago. Suddenly, my wife started to go cold. Finally, I found a solid job prospect overseas. When I told my wife she said that she did not want me to live with her. She refuses to give me anymore details. I did not press her for information because I don't want to fight over the phone. She says that she is confused and doesn't want to say anything because she might hurt my feelings. I talked with my son, he told me that him, mommy, and mom's male friend recently went to the park. Ouch! My wife asked me to come overseas for my son's spring break. She will not talk to me about our relationship. He e-mails are now single sentence replies. I am going to go visit. Turns out that I finally secured a job overseas. I have not told my wife. I am thinking about accepting the job overseas to be with my son if nothing else, and hopefully repair my relationship with my wife. The overseas job is going to be a major pay cut, I will need my wife's financials support to survive. She has a guest house that I could stay in if she doesn't let me into the big house. Me and my wife have had some good times, but I am afraid the long term separation has come between us. Suggestions.

Weather,

I am assuming that your wife is an Army Doctor. You are still married to her, don't move into the guest house. If she is living in military housing, she can not tell you, her legal dependent that you can not reside with her. If she is living on the economy, she is receiving housing allowance, same story.

Go. Move in with her and figure out what she has been/is up to. If you have to, go see her supervisor and expose her affair if she is involved in one.

Many here will tell you different, but the military can be very hard on officers who are engaging in adultry, unfortunately, more so if they are women.

By the way, if she doesn't want you moving in with her, she will have to fork over spousal support even tho she has your son living with her. Dems da rules in the military and the amount is based on her pay and allowances.

Who

Living on the economy she gets paid for dependent BAH. She qualifies for this due to you and/or your child (either/or). This also applies to base quarters. Yes you are married, but I don't believe if push came to shove she would have to allow you to live with her if her name is on the lease alone. The point being, before you uproot from a good job to move oversea's you need to have your ducks in a row. I don't think surprising her with this news would be a good thing.

Being there will certianly be your best hope for getting your wife back. I would just hate to see you trapped in a foreign country, and lose a good job.

My recommendation would be to visit, find out for sure what is going on. Tell her your moving to be with her and your child, and if that is not an option with her it will be time to play hardball.

Go to the Commanding Officer, and explain the stich.
Tell your W you will be filing for custody, and begin to take legal action.

I suspect if you tell the C.O. your story, with offer to move to be with your W and child, that your W does not want your around due to her A, you will get some very influential assistance, or pressure on her.

Thank you for your responses. It nice to know I am not alone.

Wow! If I go to the C.O., won't that breed major resentment from my wife.

Whenever we were together we have always had a good time. I am not sure if when I get overseas if I should have the big talk and confront the issues head on or if I should just try to settle into a routine with her, have a little fun, and maybe, once we are reunited she will stop withdrawing. Then, we can go seek some counseling. Its hard to know exactly whats going on because she won't talk to me about our relationship. She says that she is confused and needs time to think. Those statements coupled with my son's comment that mommy has a friend are starting to scare me. I actually did tell my wife about my son's comments and she said the guy was just someone from the community.

I am not sure when to break the news that I finally found a job that would reunite our family. The day she told me not to come live with her overseas was the day I asked her to help me follow up on a job prospect.

Weather,

The C.O. and other legal steps are options if your wife is not willing to allow you to be back in her life, and more importantly the life of YOUR child.

Oh she'll be pissed alright, but not a mad as I would be if I was told I was unwelcome to live with my wife and child.

I don't think I need to mention the flags waving that indicate an affair.

You can go vacation, and not push the issue. Which would enable the A to continue, or pressure her come clean with
relationship discussion.

I can see not wanting to fly out there to ruin the trip, but you need to weigh your options.

Also, I would recommend you have the Job discussion with her before you put in notice at the current job.

Fortunately, my current employer is aware of my situation and is flexible. Although, I probably cannot go more than a month without working. My wife has indicated that she wants me to come for my son's spring break. I am afraid she only wants me to come to babysit. Although, she also mentioned that there is a formal black tie dinner that she said I could attend with her. I think I am going to go and act as if there is nothing wrong for the first few days just to get a feel for the situation and then break the news that I have found a job and that I am going to stay if only to spend time with my child. Also, I want to be overseas and in a position to care for my child on short notice in the unlikely event that my wife deploys to Iraq or Afghanistan.

My wife comes from a broken home. She has not always been very confident. After we went to law school, and she was exposed to that demographic, she gained the confidence to go to medical school. I gave up my permanent job on the west coast and followed her to the northeast. I spent a lot of time caring for our son while she went to school. She really excelled. Unfortunately, between the student loans expenses and me having to restart my career because of the move, we always had to be careful with money. Whenever my wife had a break from school, I usually worked massive overtime, that I usually could not work, because of my son. Almost as soon as my wife graduated and moved overseas her lifestyle changed. She went from a poor student, without a lot of confidence, to a well paid doctor, and captain in the army. She suddenly became a well respected member in the community. I stayed behind in the States and worked 80 to 90 hours a week. We made good money. Suddenly, my wife and son were traveling across Europe in high fashion. I was happy for them. When I would come for a visit we had good times, but the times were maybe to few and far between. Now I am starting to realize I made a big mistake not being more responsive to my wifes emotional needs, and to her desire to have a leisure time best friend. I think I may have worried to much about student loans, and not enough about the importance of enjoying our families successes together. I fear that on a subconscious level my wife associates me with her past struggles, and her new found freedom, financial independence, and fun is associated with someone other than me. I like to think I had good intentions, but I overlooked her need for a playmate. Now, I am afraid that if a show up in Europe, with a job that is just okay, I'll be taking about a 50% paycut, I will just be a drag on my wife's new freedom. I am afraid she is going to resent me cramping her style.