The time has come. I wish my plan A had been better, but knowing my WW's state and condition, I know no plan would have worked on her. She was planning her escape, and looking for the moment in which she would feel justified in leaving me, and what I did or didn't do was virtually irrelevant, and probably only impacted the date she left by, at most, a few weeks here or there.

So, as things stand at this moment, my WW has stated expressly that she left me so that she could find whatever relationship she wanted. She's adamant that she didn't leave me for anyone (that is, she didn't already have a particular relationship going), but she's now admitted that she left so that she could have a relationship with anyone.

I know she still has some small soft-spot in her heart for me, and I could live with that if it was accompanied with a decision to work on us, and foresake all others. However, she absolutely will not give up her the relationship she's started. Tonight our youngest daughter is staying over with her. She cancelled a date with her new OM to facilitate that. I guess it's fair, since she declined the opportunity to have her spend the evening on Monday so that she could have her first date with this fellow. And she's cancelled plans to spend the day with our oldest daughter on Saturday so that she can spend the day checking out a museum with her new OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> That's a date she has made absolutely clear that she will NOT cancel for me or the kids. It wouldn't surprise me if she expects to start the PA on Saturday. If she's honest that she hasn't been cheating, physically, since the last time, then I guess I can understand the urgency because that would mean the last time she's had SF was the last time she was with me... And, by golly, that has been a while.

Anyway, my WW has graciously accepted my offer to let me take her out on a "date" tomorrow evening. I'm going to try to have a good time, but it's going to be a "goodbye date" of sorts. I don't know how the logistics would work out for us to implement an actual plan B, but I've purchased "Love Must Be Tough" and I'm going to put it into action.

I'm going to instruct my attorney to file the appropriate action to officially get the house, and be designated the primary custodian of our kids, and I'm contemplating having the court order her to pay child support. I do want her to live close, because my intention is not to be mean, but to let her own her actions and drink the cup she's poured. I'll also be changing the locks on the house. She doesn't live here anymore, and that needs to be a reality to her.

I love her, and I want her to change her mind, but this cannot go on anylonger the way things have become. She's "out" of the house, in that she sleeps at her aunt's but she spends most of the non-working waking hours of the day (when she's not on a date) over at the house. I don't want to hurt the kids by keeping them away from their mother. Nevertheless, our middle kid has become confused, and thinks that Mommy "kind-of" lives with us.

Who knows, maybe when she starts to see some consequences, and knows that life is going to be radically different on the path she's chosen, and it's not going to be a bed of roses, then maybe she'll really start to understand what she's doing.

I'm not holding my breath.

FWIW, I also purchased a book for her. I'm hoping she'll actually read it. It's called "When Love Dies: How to Save a Hopeless Marriage." It was written by a Christian mother/wife who almost threw her marriage and family away, but turned-back and now really loves her H.

This, too, makes me sad, but the time has come to become a rock. My kids need the stability, and my wife needs the certainty that the life she's buying isn't free. I think I'm ready.

Pray for me, because tomorrow, litterally, and figuratively, I'm closing some doors that may never open again.

TD,

I hear your plea and glad to know you are taking the safe course for you and your children. The plans are for you and your family not the WS. You are correct that no plan works for a WS. Why? Because the WS has no plans but to destroy the M.

L.

Wow... (sorry, this is a long one, but if you like roller-coasters, read on! If my day were a ride, it would be internationally renouned for it's twists and steep drops.)

It's amazing when you realize all the things that can happen in a day.

Anyway, the day started out more-or-less like normal. When my WW came over to pick up the kids to take them to school, she grabbed a bowl and made herself some cereal for breakfast. I didn't care, but I could hear my attorney's words ringing in my ears when I described our current situation and routine, "That sh--'s gotta stop!" I made her a large cup of coffee and told her to keep the mug for herself. I don't know why that seemed suspicious, but she said, "Why, are you going to lock me out of the house some time soon." I told her I was thinking about it, and, let's face it, she has moved out and doesn't live here anymore. Her response was to declare the evening's date to be "off". My response was, "Okay."

So, after she left, I went to the hardware store, bought new lock hardware for the front and garage-entry doors, had them keyed together, took them home, and proceeded to install them.

Then I went to the bank, (our sizeable federal tax refund was deposited this morning) and opened a new individual checking and savings account. Crystal called me while I was in the bank and went balistic. I mean, really, how DARE I open an account for myself, like she did last week for herself. Not knowing what her intentions were, and knowing that if she had it in her mind to mess me up good, she could get online and transfer every cent to her personal account, so I had the bank transfer the majority of the funds to my new personal account. I'm not trying to take money away from the family. Rather, since I'm the primary debtor on almost all of the family's debt, I wanted to make sure the bills could ge paid.

When I left the bank, one of my tires was flat... again. I had been fighting with that tire for a couple months, and it's holding air for less and less time, and though I suppose using the bicycle tire pump is a form of exercise, I was getting tired of it. So I drove the two blocks up and had them install two new tires.

Crystal called me up feigning an interest in talking things over, but still fuming, but not raising her voice. She did, however, make a point to try to demean me in every personal way possible. Making sure I knew how inadequate she considered me as a lover.

Anyway, as I finished the sale, low-and-behold, she showed up at the store (so much for being at work). I signed what I needed to sign as she tried to get me angry by whispering really vile insults and degrading things into my ear, and I walked out. I told her I would be happy to talk to her if she wanted to have a real conversation, but I had no need for the insults. She played dumb - what insults? We talked for a minute or two, and then she reverted to her infantile attempts to bait me in to doing something foolish. I only chuckled because her tactics were so obvious that I had to laugh. She then attempted to block my access to the car. I didn't push the issue, and she was right back trying to bait me, so I reached around her to open the car door, so I could leave. Because my arm and the car door cannot occupy the same space as her angry frame, she did get brushed to the side, but I was careful not to shove her. Her response was to punch me in the head with her fist full of keyes hitting my right ear, and it did smart. That's what I said, and I proceeded to sit down, and start the car. She stood in my door to keep me from closing it, and making it too dangerous to try to drive. Then she began clutching and scratching at my arm, and she tried to bite my face, and she did bite my arm, but not too hard. She tried to pull my key out of the ignition, and she succeeded in pulling the key off of the fob. When I attempted to call the police, she tried to grab the phone out of my hands. Failing that, she laughed at me saying that no cop would believe I was afraid of her, and she continued her assault. Eventually when I had made the call, she got out of the car and, I guess she called her attorney, or something.

The police showed up, and, of course, when they heard the account, they FIRST turned to her and asked her if she wanted to press charges (based on what???) When they asked me, I said, "Yes, I do."

Eventually, we got our complaint number, and I proceeded to the court to seek a protective order against her.

She got there and continued to berate me for a while. Then she said she wanted to stick around for the hearing so she could have her say, too. Whatever. Then after a minute or two in line, she turned to me, tears in her eyes, and asked if we could talk it through, and that she was sorry. I told her we could talk.

We did for a while. At one point, the fog lifted enough that she even said, "I don't want to destroy my family!" But, of course, that was followed up with how I had been such a horrible husband that I she was really justified in her actions. Oh, and there was also the, "Well, I'll never see OM again, so you don't need to do this!" I was tempted to clutch at the glimmer of hope I had seen, but I knew that at this point, in her mind, if I filled, she would say I was trying to manipulate her into staying, but if I didn't file, she would say her giving up OM is proof that this was about trying to FORCE her to stay with me by making or threatening to make her life miserable if she leaves.

I set the decision aside for a little while. I spoke to my parents (my mom's an ordained minister), a Christian counselor we had both been to, and my attorney. The advice was a unanimous, "File it, now!"

So I did.

WW's response was to immediately tell the kids that I was trying to keep them away from her, that I was lying, that I was bullying her. Eventually, (but before the police had served her) I was allowed over to her Aunt's (where she's been staying and where the kids go after school), to pick up the kids. She had totally filled their minds with the idea that I was trying to bully her. My youngest, who had been the most opposed to mommy moving out was parroting Crytal's lines, verbatium. "Daddy, you have your life, and Mommy has her own life! Don't bully her! You're beeing mean to her and you made her life so miserable!"

I didn't think she was able to break my heart again, but she had. She had purposely tried to poison the kids against me. My oldest, who knew my WW had been out on dates wasn't fooled, but the other two were totally taken in by her lies. So, right or wrong, I had to tell them why mommy moved out. That mommy had a boyfriend. My middle one started to see the picture, but she still thought I HAD to be lying, because mommy would never be violent. My youngest, was sure that I was lying about that, too.

So, when we got home, I showed my kids the scratches on my arm, the mangled key ring, and the scratch on my ear, and fleck of metal still partially embedded in my ear from her keychain. Then they knew Mommy was lying, again.

My youngest still didn't trust why I had gotten the court order. So, as I was taking them out for a group special time, I tried to explain the principle of tough love by saing, if you punched your friend in the face at school, would you think your friend was being mean to you when the principle expelled you? They finally got, in some way, that this was about consequences for mommy's choices.

As things stand now, my kids know I love them, but I think they're pretty uneasy about what the future holds, and they also know I don't intend to let their mommy go to jail (she, of course, told them I was TRYING to get her thrown in jail), but I do want her to *get* that her bad choices have been hurting people and they're coming back around to bite her.

Oh, yeah, my copy of "Love Must be Tough" arrived today, too.

So sorry that this has happened. When they start standing up the kids to "date", you know that they are really in the fog.

Glad you got the Love Must Be Tough book. Here is an excerpt- hope you will think about sending her a letter like Dobson suggests.

Only those who have been rejected by a beloved spouse can fully comprehend the tidal wave of pain that crashes into one’s life when a relationship ends. Nothing else matters. There are no consoling thoughts. The future is without interest or hope. Emotions swing wildly from despair to acceptance and back again. Nothing in human experience can compare with the agony of knowing that the person to whom you pledged eternal devotion has betrayed your trust and is now involved in sexual intimacies with a “stranger”… a competitor ... a more beautiful or handsome playmate. Death itself would be easier to tolerate than being tossed aside like an old shoe.

If one word must be selected to describe the entire experience, it would be something equivalent to panic. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself or herself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, a rejected partner typically tries to grab and hold the one who is leaving. This panic then leads to appeasement, which destroys what is left of the marriage.

Let’s look for a moment at the other half of the relationship — focusing on the individual who wants out of the marriage. What secrets lie deep within the mind of the woman who has an affair with her boss, or the man who chases the office flirt? Surprising to some, the desire for sex is not the primary motivator in such situations. Something much more basic is operating below the surface.

Long before any decision is made to “fool around” or walk out on a partner, a fundamental change has begun to occur in the relationship. Many books on this subject lay the blame on the failure to communicate, but I disagree. The inability to talk to one another is a symptom of a deeper problem, but it is not the cause itself. The critical element is the way a husband or wife begins to devalue the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped in a relationship with someone he or she no longer respects.

Now we begin to see why groveling, crying and pleading by a panic-stricken partner tend to drive the claustrophobic partner even farther away. The more he or she struggles to gain a measure of freedom (or even secure a little breathing room), the more desperately the rejected spouse attempts to hang on.

Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive. There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.

To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I’m sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, “I think I’ll die if you don’t marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don’t turn me down,” etc.

Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, “Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I’ve only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I’ll go straight out and kill myself!”

This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to “sell himself” to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest. If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn’t love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.

If begging and pleading are ineffective methods of attracting a member of the opposite sex during the dating days, why do victims of bad marriages use the same groveling techniques to hold a drifting spouse? They only increase the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping. Instead, they should convey their own version of the following message when the time is right: “John [or Diane], I’ve been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn’t face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can’t be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I’m reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you say you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I’m aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1989 [or whenever]. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision. I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, John. You were my first real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead.”

Slowly, unbelievably, the trapped spouse witnesses the cage door vibrate just a bit, and then start to rise. He can’t believe it. This person to whom he has felt bound hand and foot for years has now set him free! It isn’t necessary to fight off her advances — her grasping hands — any more.

“But there must be a catch,” he thinks. “It’s too good to be true. Talk is cheap. This is just another trick to win me back. In a week or two she’ll be crying on the phone again, begging me to come home. She’s really weak, you know, and she’ll crack under pressure.”

It is my strongest recommendation that you, the rejected person, prove your partner wrong in this expectation. Let him marvel at your self-control in coming weeks. Only the passage of time will convince him that you are serious — that he is actually free. He may even test you during this period by expressions of great hostility or insult, or by flirtation with others. But one thing is certain: He will be watching for signs of weakness or strength. The vestiges of respect hang in the balance.

If the more vulnerable spouse passes the initial test and convinces the partner that his freedom is secure, some interesting changes begin to occur in their relationship. Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families I have seen. Most of the exceptions represent variations on the same theme. Three distinct consequences can be anticipated when a previously “grabby” lover begins to let go of the cool spouse:
1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and their relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindled, necessarily, but the strain between the two partners is often eased.
2. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After wondering for weeks or months, “How can I get out of this mess?” he now asks, “Do I really want to go?” Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home!
3. The third change occurs not in the mind of the cool spouse but in the mind of the vulnerable one. Incredibly, he or she feels better — somehow more in control of the situation. There is no greater agony than journeying through a vale of tears, waiting in vain for the phone to ring or for a miracle to occur. Instead, the person has begun to respect himself or herself and to receive small evidences of respect in return. Even though it is difficult to let go once and for all, there are ample rewards for doing so. One of those advantages involves the feeling that he or she has a plan — a program — a definite course of action to follow. That is infinitely more comfortable than experiencing the utter despair of powerlessness that the victim felt before. And little by little, the healing process begins.
This recommendation is consistent with the Apostle Paul’s writings in 1 Corinthians 7:15, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called us to live in peace.” Paul is not authorizing the rejected spouse to initiate a divorce in these instances. He is, rather, instructing a man or woman to release the marital partner when he or she is determined to depart. The advice I have offered today is an expression of that scripture.

I think I have discovered a significant flaw or deficiency in the MB program.

Don't get me wrong, I think that everything about the Love-Bank and Love-Busters ideas are dead-on, as far as they go, but they are primarily effective for a couple that's committed to the relationship but don't know how to enjoy being together anymore.

In a situation such as mine, where my WW has left, it's too late, really for Plan A to do anything but enable her. No, MB doesn't focus on creating boundaries and consequences and rebuilding the BS's self-respect. I think the idea of Plan A, for what it's worth, should, at MOST be implemented for about 2 weeks. So that when a rational discussion may happen, the BS can point to possible changes in his/her behaviors that would help the M move forward. However, a Plan A that doesn't also draw a line in the sand simply demonstrates that the BS is a wimp, and nobody wants to feel tied to a wimp.

Plan B, I think may be useful, but cutting off all communications in hopes that the WS will remember good things about the BS is too speculative. I think that perhaps a modified Plan B, where the BS goes ahead and begins to forge a new life as a strong person with a certain amount of indifference as to whether the WS sees is the way to show the WS that the WS misjudged the BS, and is losing something of real value.

That's just my insight for this morning. In my new frame of mind, I have to remember to enforce my boundaries and consequences in love, and not simply enjoy the fact that now Crystal is feeling the pain she's prepared for herself.

I guess the best way to put it is that I need to remember that God made me, too, and without consequences for Crystal that protect me, I'm not showing the proper reverence for a child that God loves very much (me) and therefore I'm being disrespectful to Him.

But it does pain me. Crystal is still trying to poison the minds of the kids against me. I'm trying to spend extra time having fun with the kids, in part because its the lifestyle I want to develop in this family, and in part, because their world is spinning out of control, and I want them to know I do love them.

I feel sorry for Crystal. She lied so blatantly to our kids yesterday, and when I showed them the physical proof that their mother was lying to them, I know that must have broken their heart again that the Mommy that they love, but who has moved out of her own free will, would actually try to physically hurt their Daddy, and then lie to them about it.

Oh well... It's a new day, who knows what it holds.

No, MB doesn't focus on creating boundaries and consequences and rebuilding the BS's self-respect. I think the idea of Plan A,

Plan A has definite boundaries...spoken clearly and without powerstruggling, control or demonstrative emotions...

for what it's worth, should, at MOST be implemented for about 2 weeks.

typical ..not drunken one night stands...but typical affairs don't happen over night...they happen over a period of time...and during the period of time that a WS is engaging in affair behaviors...they are also detaching and justifying their actions through continious thoughts of entitlement and all that "isn't working or right" with the BS....

this type of thinking is insidious and persistant...and like the brain washing of oneself...therefor it takes time to step back and deprogram and see the big picture...the active role so to speak a WS engages in the villification of the BS
usually two weeks isn't enough time to expect a rational decision or conversation with someone who for a long long time has been behaving irrationally

but cutting off all communications in hopes that the WS will remember good things about the BS is too speculative.

this is backwards...Plan B is iniated by the BS at a period that they can still remember good things about the WS..
to the WS it says as strongly as a shout..

I do not control you
I will not tell you what you can or can not do..

BUT
for me and mine whom I do control...I will not participate at all in your choices or actions...that are damaging and WRONG

hope that helps

ARK