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True inner strength is never about anger. So true!!
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MWIL: Very well put, weaver! The "I love you enough to let you go" phrase must be from the soul!! And coupled with loving yourself more...produces an attractive person!! Good post MWIL. I said that very thing to my then WS but it took such a long time to get to that point. When I did, it spun his world. Mine remained quite stable and I realized as others have said, the A isn't about the BS, it's about the adulterers. Improving: You realize very quickly that your self-worth is not in WS' hands. That their A is a reflection on them, not you. It takes two to save a marriage. You cannot do it alone and both people will have to make changes.
You would like your real S back, but you realize you are just fine without WS . You build a life for yourself and if they get their act together, and you are still interested, then you can see where it goes. Very well put Improving. I like the way you summed it up. This is a hard point to realize early on though but the sooner a BS does, the sooner they can heal. To all: Thanks for reading and posting. Glad for what is helping and please, continue to help all of us here. This is a good board for helping us regain our sanity. The methods may seem uncoventional but realize the enemy from what appears t/b within our own families is evil and devious. We should not want a WS back in our lives. The WS took our mates, it's our mates we want back NOT the WS. For me, my motto still is to 'plan A my spouse but plan B the WS.' We are all worth more than what a WS wants us to feel like. We deserve t/b treated with care and respect. If that is given to the BS, the love will follow. Have a nice day. L.
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You did everything perfectly without even knowing it because you have a healthy sense of yourself (survival mode)...most don't, so this post should be emblazened in new BS's mind.
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It's excellent! Although every sitch is unique in a way...some things are always true, and that is that BS's are most attractive to a WS once they are moving on/strong. As a new BS... this is so helpful. I would have never believed this at first - yet as I read more of these posts, I find SO MANY similiarities between my WH and our situation that it's not funny. So, I can now believe this (improving by moving on and putting on an aire of strength) may be a possibility in my future. I'm still dealing with the 24-hour pounding heart, no sleeping and no eating - but having this in the back of my mind will hopefully help me make some better choices, as I continue to study "Plan A" and all of that. I've also seen some posts about the space alien thing - and I now have an alternate vision of my WH that I try to envision when I get weepy. If you saw Men in Black, you might remember the little alien that was sitting in the control booth inside a human's head, controlling everything going on. Well, I've got this vision of this little alien inside my husband's head, pushing buttons that cause this blanket of fog to drift around in his head... ------- BW (me) - 38 WH - 39 DS - 13 and 17 DD - 4 1st D-Day: 2-25-06 (thought it was EA) 2nd D-Day: 3-20-06 (found out it was PA)
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BW (me) - 38
WH - 39
Married 1986
DS - 13 and 17
DD - 4
1st D-Day: 2-25-06 (thought it was EA)
2nd D-Day: 3-20-06 (found out it was PA)
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I'm still dealing with the 24-hour pounding heart, no sleeping and no eating If you need to get on A/D's... now would be a good time. Even Harley recommends them when dealing with a WS.
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I think that often, the clinging desperation of an abandoned, hurting BS pushes the WS further away. I'm seeing this even now in my own marriage. Thanks for this thread, I may have to change my prayer life a bit. That and my tactics <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> FN
Divorced April 26 2007...
REMARRIED to a wonderful woman October 13, 2012!
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When your busy dealing with an active WS it is SO difficult to detatch and protect yourself. Bingo - for those of you wondering HOW to detach. Focus on the WS is a distraction. This focus is on the WS is what wears down the BS (drains the love bank). The secret is: stop dealing with the active WS.
Last edited by BrambleRose; 03/24/06 09:01 PM.
~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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When your busy dealing with an active WS it is SO difficult to detatch and protect yourself. Once you reach that point where you will not accept the garbage associated with the WS and the A, and you realize you don't need the WS to make you happy, the healing starts ... actions don't hurt me anymore (very little at most) and it has made a HUGE difference in my attitude and confidence. Every BS has much to offer... I am slowly getting to this point. It is a terrifying, painful yet vital journey. I have spent a long time focused on my WH and not on me. I have almost forgotten who I am and what I stand for but I am beginning to remember. The hardest part, for me, is to realize that a WH is completely incapable of caring for the BS. The BS must care for her/himself. If the BS is to have any caring at all. My H has been gone now for 12 days. He filed for D 15 days ago. H has decided to never "care" for me again. If I look around, I see that I have no one else but myself. If I don't care for myself, my kids will have a shell of a woman trying to be their mom. It's not easy. But, they tell me that nothing worth while ever is. Loni Exactly!! You realize very quickly that your self-worth is not in WS' hands. That their A is a reflection on them, not you. It takes two to save a marriage. You cannot do it alone and both people will have to make changes. You would like your real S back, but you realize you are just fine without WS . You build a life for yourself and if they get their act together, and you are still interested, then you can see where it goes.
BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
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improving by moving on and putting on an aire of strength That is the thing, it isn't an aire. I am there, and have been for a few months. It took my WS leaving for me to gain perspective and realize what I wanted, needed, and deserved....and that I would not be a part of a triangle anymore. I also learned the very important lesson that my happiness is not based on what he is/is not doing. In the beginning, it is all so painful and you are just surviving. But, with time, you begin to get to a place where you do not NEED your S anymore, but you may still WANT them (depending on what stage of personal recovery you are in). My journey has been very painful and I have seen myself at my worst and had to ackowledge my failures as a person and a wife. But, I am also grateful for what I have gone through beecause I am very proud of the changes I have made and the life I have now. I would not want to go back to the way things were in my personal life, or my M. I think that is why the people who succeed in R say the A helped them to get closer than they had ever been before...each person is forced to deal with what was wrong with the M that made the A possible, and when you come out the other side, you are that much closer. My personal recovery is the greatest gift I have been given in this entire mess. And something I will never give up--for anyone. But, it took a long time to get here.
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The secret is: stop dealing with the active WS. This is what we keep saying, over and over again...it is IMPERATIVE at this time that the WS/OP become irrelavant. (and I never GOT it until after my R ended for good...so now alone I am doing what I should have done while in the R but couldn't...just didn't have the knowledge/strength and didn't care to listen to those who told me) This has got to be about the BS now, the WS is IRRELAVENT, until they are no longer an active WS. Every time you get caught up in the WS, say in your head "what he/she is doing is irrelavant" the only thing which is relavant to you at this time is the changes you are making, which must be real and then the WS WILL notice these changes. This is hard and requires a lot of discipline if you are not used to thinking/caring for/about yourself. That is the thing, it isn't an aire. I am there, and have been for a few months. It took my WS leaving for me to gain perspective and realize what I wanted, needed, and deserved....and that I would not be a part of a triangle anymore. Improving, Yes, it isn't an aire, it must be real, but still "act as if" until it becomes real. Boy do I ever see myself in your post. The changes must be real/lasting and they require a lot of honest introspection/self-forgiveness and finally acceptance of the mistakes we made as well. This is the first time in my life I feel I am capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone...and when this can be pulled off before the marriage has ended the chances of recovery must be magnified a good deal, I would think.
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Focus on the WS is a distraction. This focus is on the WS is what wears down the BS (drains the love bank). Yes is certainly does and by the time we realize this much damage has been inflicted by the WS's actions. Eventually the BS gets to a point where he/she starts to pity the WS. When that happens the BS's fog begins to clear and we realize we don't need the WS in our lives. We are all worth more than what a WS wants us to feel like. We deserve t/b treated with care and respect. If that is given to the BS, the love will follow. Orchid, this is so true! The BS takes an emotional beating from the WS especially after d-day and exposure. It's difficult for the BS to comprehend how someone they love so much can be so distant, cold and hurtful. It really takes a while for the BS to realize they are NOT as awful as the WS portrays them.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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LOVE this thread!!!
I wish I could have done that months ago. But I couldn't, I kept focusing on him, trying to fix every problem he threw at me, everything he said was my fault - I tried to fix. I wore myself out. Almost "killed" everything I had left inside of me.
THe really wierd thing is - I managed to kill the affair by exposing A to OW husband. But the angry fall out, the yelling, the destructive name calling (and it's been bad - I didn't EVER expect to hear those words come out of my WH's mouth!!!!). He has done everything he could to tear apart my self confidence, hurt and humiliate. I reached the point just a week ago that I don't want to see him, talk ot him, have ANYTHING to do with him. I think I still love him (or I love the man he was - not the one he is now!). But I can really do a GREAT Plan B now - although I sucked at plan A.
Right now - if he were to come back - I don't know that there is enough in me to want to try again. ANd if he never comes back - I am OK!
Great thread guys - and so to the point!
ME - 46 yo
exH - 45 yo
Married 20 years
Three children 19, 15, 12
Multiple affairs, D-days, NC, and recoveries - all false
Divorce final May 10, 2007
Each day is a new lesson on forgiveness and peace
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Jan, That's the hard part of being the BS. We know what we s/b doing but our love tends to cloud our judgement and we keep trying to save our spouses but inadvertantly keep trying to save the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It takes patience on the part of those who can see this. What I have learned is to let the BS know their choices. When their hearts and mind get in sync, then the BS come to the realization that when the BS allows the WS to hurt them, it fuels the A. Then the BS can get quite angry. Read the 5 stages of grieving thread in my sign link. That info given to me was profound for me. Helped my recovery. Later I learned how to use whatever the WS threw against me to boomerang back to him and his A. That's when I relaized that if I do NOT let the WS hurt me, the A suffered. Yea!!! !:D I had finally found a useful Anti-A weapon. Too bad I couldn't patent it....but hey at least I can share it on MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> L.
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This thread really is a great one. I remember at the beginning of all of this, I focused everything on my WH. I gave him too much power to hurt me and he did, a lot. It has been 12 days since we seperated, and I am becoming the woman that I need to be. Regardless of whether my H ever comes home. I still hope and pray that he wakes up before it's too late, but if he doesn't, I will be one fantastic person with a lot more wisdom and an unshakable faith in God.
I am beginning to think that the seperation was a good thing. I am more relaxed. I don't feel like I am on my guard all of the time and trying to make everything perfect so my WH wouldn't leave. It's nice to not worry about what I wear to bed or if I burn a pizza by mistake.
Loni
BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
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My WH is moving out today, which is really hard on me, but
I agree with other posters that it will get easier and
definitely expect it will be less stressful, since I never knew what to expect from WH ~
Slammed
---------------------------------------
Me- BS, 42
WH- 38
Married 8 years, together 11 years, no kids (H has two
daughters from previous Rs)
EA began 7/05- after OW and WH "met" on internet site
PA began 8/05- after OW moved here and WH moved in with her
DDAY- 10/18/05- after OW called me and I got all the details
and OW found all WH had lied about almost everything.
OW kicked WH out of her house, so he rented room.
Brief reconciliation with me while they were broken up, then
A resumed.
Christmas Eve 05- WH got DUI and called me for help
Resulted in severe bout of depression and anxiety for WH
and his immediately departure from the "Fog". WH expressed
desire to end A and reconcile, began counseling, got new Dr
and medication after being diagnosed as bipolar.
WH moved home 1/06 Things going better, WH ending it with OW
2/06- WH back in the "fog", increased contact with OW
3/06- A has resumed, WH planning to move out, says we should
D
3/25/06- WH moving out
Me-38, BS
H- 34, WS
A- June-Oct 01
Recovery begun- Nov 01
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If a BS has emotional problems and psychological problems does this slow/hinder detachment and prevent recovey?
Can this in and of itself cause the WS to ride the emotinal rollercoaster that people mention on the site?
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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If a BS has emotional problems and psychological problems does this slow/hinder detachment and prevent recovey?
Can this in and of itself cause the WS to ride the emotinal rollercoaster that people mention on the site? Yes, it can slow it down but many a WS try to make things up so that they can use those kinds of reasons to enable the A. Remember the BS only can help the BS, not the WS. L.
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Orchid, This was a typo: Can this in and of itself cause the WS to ride the emotinal rollercoaster that people mention on the site? I meant the BS being on the rollercoaster. I feel this is where I'm at. I've been riding the emotional rollercoaster on my own before really even getting to the nitty gritty of Plan A. It has been hard for me because I've been under the cloud of my own emotional turmoil. Thank goodness for posters on MB that are willing to assist in helping others get past their personal problems. I feel that my own hurting myself with DJs have hindered me. But I am grateful that I'm beginning to understand better what has been happening and trying to deal with inner healing. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by reallyconcerned; 03/25/06 05:02 PM.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Orchid, This was a typo: Can this in and of itself cause the WS to ride the emotinal rollercoaster that people mention on the site? I meant the BS being on the rollercoaster. I feel this is where I'm at. I've been riding the emotional rollercoaster on my own before really even getting to the nitty gritty of Plan A. It has been hard for me because I've been under the cloud of my own emotional turmoil. Thank goodness for posters on MB that are willing to assist in helping others get past their personal problems. I feel that my own hurting myself with DJs have hindered me. But I am grateful that I'm beginning to understand better what has been happening and trying to deal with inner healing. Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> RC. Both the BS and WS can add to the roller coaster ride. However, the ride would not have even started if it wasn't for the WS' choice of the A. So even when the BS has other issues to deal with, the A issues are an added unnecessary burden. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> It is your choice as a BS to decide when YOU want OFF that ride. L.
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Thanks for the reply Orchid. It is your choice as a BS to decide when YOU want OFF that ride. I've decided to get off the rollercoaster. Working on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by reallyconcerned; 03/26/06 11:38 AM.
LLG=Living, Learning, Growing formerly reallyconcerned
Trying to stop fearing and start living
BS-35
WS-33
kids, yes
1 D-day 8/2003, 2nd D-day 1/2006
Current status:
Working in Plan A.
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Thanks for the reply Orchid. It is your choice as a BS to decide when YOU want OFF that ride. I've decided to get off the rollercoaster. Working on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> RC, Then I'd say this thread has been successful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> All the best on your personal healing journey. Either way, you w/b ok. It's the WS that has to worry now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Btw, u want the WS to worry, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Have a nice day. L.
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