My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We were very young when we married. He's had a series of affairs- mostly of the heart. After each one he's realized that person meant nothing to him. This latest one is a much younger girl who is not reciprocating but he's "in love with her". He wants to leave me and our kids even though there is nothing going on with her and he still tells me he loves me and that I'm his best friend and soul mate. He says he's tired of hurting me but won't get help. He wants to be alone at this point with no-one to be responsible for but himself. He wants freedom. He doesn't want to be in a marriage. The odd thing is - he's always been a controlling husband and has always gotten everything he's wanted throughout our marriage. I've wanted to make him happy and so would help him to obtain the things he wanted (material things). My heart is broken and I can't imagine life without him. He's my best friend. He blames his unhappiness on the fact that we were married so young and that he never had a chance to be on his own. He has had chances here and there throughout our marriage due to job situations etc, the longest seperation being 3 months. I feel helpless and I'm going to lose him as well as our kids losing their father. (He doesn't feel any sadness over leaving them either- he's taken a step back out of their lives over the last year and a half and they basically co-exist only.) A year and a half ago he took a job which is 2 1/2 hours one way. We have been trying to sell our house to move closer but now it looks like when it sells only he will be moving closer. The kids and I aren't sure what we will do. Is there anything I can do?
Karenpc

Your best friend has abandoned your family, hurt you, commited adultery (in his heart and other places), etc.? You best get another best friend who can really be a friend.

1st off, that's not your H and the WS is no friend of the family. Your H is spoiled. Making him prime for being an A candidate. I know, I made that mistake of being the giver and hurting my taker. The WS is a selfish cruel creature. You best protect yourself and your family from such a creature.

I'll bet if you were the primary giver, that he would have a hard time on his own. That c/b a good thing. Mine went from our home to a rented room to 'find himself'. Yea right....he moved closet to the OW.

Don't fall for his babble. You best read up on Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson).

L.

I have read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. That was hard to read. You're right a best friend doesn't treat you that way. The problem is how I still feel. I wish I could remove all traces of love for him but I can't. What does WS and OW stand for?

Wow. All of that sounds really familiar. I recently had a meltdown w/ all the same symptoms. I wanted material things all the time that never really made me happy (and my W made sure I had them), loved my family but wanted out at any cost(even though things were the best they'd ever been) and tried to control my family (when they gave me every freedom I could ever want at the time). My W and I were together at a very, very young age, and I always griped about "not having a chance" at living my own life, even though I was the one gave up that opportunity.

I could be way wrong, but it sounds to me like he is uncomfortable w/ himself and feels like he's lost control of his life. Instead of taking opportunities he has now, he is focusing on the ones that "passed him by". Wondering why he should bother making any changes, since things "never seem to get any better". Looks like he feels his only way out of the situation is to throw it all away for a fresh start, but maybe that's not working for him either? He's possibly pinning you for choices he made, blaming everything and everyone instead of holding himself accountable for his own actions?

It took accepting repsonsiblity for my own actions, realizing that someone else could step into my life and that I may never get it back, seeing that the things I "wanted" weren't what really mattered to me anyway, owning the present and my choices, and knowing that only I can control me... to get me back on track. I'm not even near where I need to be yet. I've only partially done some/all of things I've mentioned and know I have a long road ahead of me. After I decided that the life I had was the one I wanted, it took coming here to make me realize why I felt the way I did. Coming here was something I did on my own... and not because I realized I had a problem. I came here looking for the answers I wanted, not the truth, on how to fix my marriage.

My marriage is on the rocks. I'm trying to get it back on track, but I'm not sure that my W (wife) is going to have it. She is also now a WW (wandering wife), having either an EA (emotional affair) or a PA (physical affair).

I can't tell you how to deal w/ the situation. That should be left up to someone w/ more experience w/ these things than I have. There are plenty of people here tah can help you out. I'm just hoping that my post can give you some possible insight as to why he is being the way he is. It may not give you direction, but it might give you some understanding.

Here are a couple of links:

MB acronyms

General MB welcome thread

Wats quickstart gudeline for BS'

Please take a look at the links above. Glad to know you read Dobson's book. His book is past plan A, more like plan B which is often a necessary step.

See about reading Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. This will help you make the most of when you have to communicate with the WS.

take care,
L.

Infernomatic
Thank you so much for sharing what you have gone through. My husband thinks he is unique with these feelings and issues and therefore there is noone out there who can help him. I guess he's not, huh! He also feels that there is noone intelligent enough to help him because he feels he could manipulate any counseling situation. How did you actually get to the point where you wanted to stay with your wife? My husband says that I'm the love of his life but it doesn't hurt him to think of us apart or to think of me eventually marrying another man. That's so hard for me to understand because my heart is in pieces right now and I would do anything not to lose him.
Karen


He's not alone. I'm younger than he is, but all the same rules apply by the looks of it. I also felt that I could manipulate a counselor. I've made a habit out of being a "pleaser" all my life, and have the ablility to weave together and keep track of lies like you wouldn't believe. Sounds like your H could be a "pleaser" too? It would fit the bill IMO. I've since given that up, though I have unfortunately yet to give up the role of "pleaser" in reagrds to my W. That's a work in progress.

I had what some may or may not? call an EA. She was a confidant of sorts. I could bend her ear w/ anything I wanted. She filled an EN (emotional need) I wasn't getting at home. My W worked days, I worked nights and when we did talk she never really understood me. That could have been because it was Mr.Pleaser having the conversation w/ her. Anyway... I blamed her for choices I had made, resented her for it. Then, because my DD (Darling Daughter) wasn't a pleaser like me I looked at her as being like her Mother and resented her too. That only happened once, and was at the lowest point in my entire life. Around that time I contemplated suicide, several times a day for a few weeks straight. In the begging of my meltdown, I knew I loved my family. My now WW and my DD both. My need for freedom overrode that though, and I justified it by knowing they would manage w/out me and that I would help them out if they needed it.

I have to go WW called said she has feelings for OM and wants me out of house. I tried to comprimise, but and she was agreeable but then mistook somethijg I said as a threat and hungup on me phone is busy. Talk to everyone Monday. Someone please tell LovingAnyway what happened. Thanx.

I was so distraught I didn't even type in LA's screen name right after all she's done to help me out.

My turning point. Boy... OW and I ran out of things to talk about and the calls started feeling like a chore. I turned back to my marriage because i lost taht sense of freedom I got from talking to OW. I thought my marriage was there to fall back on. I also thought that i had solved all of my problems. Thinking on that, I believe it was because tht's what needed to happen in my mind to fix our marriage. WW got mad shortly after, seeing the third phone bill w/ Ow's number all over it. she said i couldn't give up oW if i wanted to. I called OW that night and ended our conversations. haven't talked to her since. I'd almost say this is karma. I waited until WW couldn't take any more, then came crawling back. By then, WW wasn't having it. Everything just seemed to fall into place. Like this was meant to be the way it is... only taht;s not true. It got this way because of the choices of everyone involved. We all make our own choices.

I know that doesn't give you much to go by. I didn't expect it to. Definitely doesn't tell you " If you do A, you'll get result B." or "don't worry, it's phase and it will pass." or "if he does this, then everything will fall into place". I can tell you that my WW wasn't able to help me, but that's because she didn't have the right tools. She only did forme wht she knew to do... which was what she would have done for herself. Coming here was a smart thing for you to do. this plce can help to supply you w./ the tools you'll need to keep your marriage from turning into mine. maybe that's my purpose. To make choices that others can learn from?

If you want any more info, please let me know. I'll be glad to help.

Infernomatic: Go make a report that your W is threatening to have you kicked out and her reason is she wants another man around and you are not sure if that means in your home. Let the police know you are reporting this because you may need their protection if she tries to pull any false domestic violence charges. The police will then make a record and this will take the steam of any false charges the WS may throw against you. Seems petty? Not really. Most laws protect the wife even if she is a WS.

BE prepared.

L.

Orchid,

Unfortunately, Inf signed off on a filed legal seperation agreement and they weren't supposed to be living together by court order. It was her right to call the police and have him removed...State of New York stupid stuff...where she has sole domain and custody.

Very sad. They haven't lived apart yet. He feared this terribly. I was urging him to get a lawyer to reverse it, or file counter to it, that he signed under duress...threats, etc. However, he only found MB recently. He thought he was fighting a losing war.

And she has been using threat of removal since February, when it was filed. I wish at these times I had read law, instead of fiction.

Now he wants to win.

He only has internet access at work, I think.

Prayers, please...everywhere.

LA

Karen,

You may feel helpless, but you are not. You are his wife, his best friend and you have standing. You won't feel it or know it...you know how you feel during his As of the heart.

What would make this time different from your part? Have you read about Plan A? Did you click on the links in Orchid's post?

Take heart...amazing recoveries happen, there are real steps to take, including exposure, which I don't think you tried before...and counseling, even without WH, just you beginning it, to aid you in making this the last betrayal and maybe having a thriving marriage in your future.

This is also a good place to vent, gain new knowledge and be encouraged.

LA

LovingAnyway,
Thanks, I've pretty much read and tried everything. I'm counseling with my pastor again this afternoon. My husband's mind is made up though. He wants a divorce. Just 2 weeks ago he wanted to try but now he doesn't. He says he can't help how he feels about OW. He says he wants to be free to experience life since he married me so young. He also says there is no chance at all for us. I do believe in miracles but I've been praying for so long and here I am. My H is so stubborn and extremely selfish. He told me he was leaving in front of both of our kids. This is a nightmare. The worst part is how much it hurts. I feel like I'm falling apart inside and I know I should be stronger than this. What happened with your marriage and how did you make it?
Karen

Thanks Infernomatic. I've been praying for you.
Karen

He can still report her threats or ask a lawyer to keep record until he has enough evidence to prove she is lying and threatening, hence making her a harm to her family.

Many a BS are afraid of hurting their spouse thereby prolonging the A and the hurt to the BS and family.

JMHO,
L.

Karen,

Your WS' mind is made up for about until he takes his next bath. Notice how you recorded his feelings less than a month ago.

One does not make life changing decisions on the spur of what he is feeling in his pants. Yet that is what a WS does.

Don't be intimidated by his words. Rather learn to challenge his statements and take action to protect yourself, your family, your property and your finances.

L.

Karen,

Okay, he said he was leaving in front of the children...along with a string of hurtful things...including divorce.

What has he done to pursue this action? Like Orchid says, he could change his mind after his next bath.

Are you asking how do you stop him from making threats? Thinking what he thinks?

What do you think about Plan A? Plan B? Divorce? Legal Seperation? Exposing to OW, and all the OWs before's families?

Exposing to his family, your family, his work? Your friends?

There's no should be stronger about it...hurts like heck. You've hurt like heck several times...and you're here. Still. You didn't end up in a million strands. You are functioning, with hurt, fear and feeling dissolved.

We all do.

What did we do? When I OW called the house and I realized it wasn't over, I threw him out. He moved in with his sister and her H. He hated it there...long commute, little time to boink the OW he worked with...and his sister had stringent rules he didn't like. I won't tell you the rest now, but moving out was a shock to him and our sons.

I felt like you did...full of pain, cried through work, sleep and what seemed like all the moments in between. I came here, learned I could save my marriage, what was my part, worked on me.

From your post, I can't tell anything about the dynamics of your marriage. Repeat EA's would indicate your WH has huge needs of admiration and appreciation to feel safe within himself. Most likely, no one human can fill them. You can do your part (and I had huge problems with the admiration need because I wasn't admiring him for wrecking the family)...it can be done.

LA

Don't make the same mistakes I am. I keep looking to the future and second guessing what my WW plans to do... I'm stepping on my own toes. Be prepared, just in case, but don't let your emotions linger on the what if's and don't assume that everything he says is set in stone. Things can change.

If you can, find out what the OW gives him that he feels you aren't. If you can find taht out, work w/ it. My WW's OM tells her things that I don't apparently. "Very Nice" things. She also holds things against me like some recent lies, the OW (confidant), the verbal and physical abuse. At the same time, she's also comprimising alot of her beliefs lately for a taste of freedom. Up and down we go... Where we stop... ?

thanx for your prayers. I'll take them wherever i can get them. My Mom has been spreading the news and asking for them from people like Billy Graham and stuff too. makes me feel hopeful. Though, it could be that the solution isn't the one I'm hoping for... We'll see. Thanx just the same. <:O) I'll gladly return the favor. :O)

What about you? What kind of person are you? What are your beliefs? Tell us about you... We've heard about him.

Infernomatic,
It's impossible not to keep looking to the future. If I could just erase my emotions and love for him I would be ok but I can't. The OW is a dominant, cold, strong woman (or should I say girl). They all have been that type of person. I'm strong but not in the cold, ****** corporate ladder way. For some reason he's attracted to this type of woman. He says I'm the perfect wife (I know better) but he thinks he could commit to this type of woman whereas he hasn't been able to totally commit to me. I will never be able to be that type of person nor would I want to but I work hard to fill all his other needs. My husband shares these personality traits and he has said he wants someone just like himself (God forbid!) It never lasts for him and he ends up hating these women- all they do is butt heads but he can't look at his past and learn.

You asked about me. I am a born again Christian. I believe that God is convicting each of our spouses as they try to end marriages that are so precious to Him. Unfortunately our spouses have free will. Don't you just wish God could make them puppets for a day? Anyway- I remember you posting that you were a pleaser in your marriage. So am I. I bend over backwards to make my husband happy. I am an emotional person and have been so hurt by this that I'm not sure most days if I can make it through even with God's help. We have 2 kids- a daughter 14 and a son 16. This has been tough on them. Rejection s-cks!!! My father died a few months ago and that was easier to bear than this is. I wish I could just fast forward to happiness- whenever or wherever that is.

My WH just left for work and told me about a condo he might buy - he had just heard an add on the radio. That's all it took. I lost it. He's still here with me so everyday I have a tiny bit of hope (I don't express this to him) that he won't be able to do it but he reminds me everyday that this IS happening. He wants to be alone to give in to all the things he wants to do and can't do because he's married. Guilt free to live like a pig.

Ok that was't much about me but this is consuming me right now. What else do you want to know?

How about you- what are your beliefs etc.?

Karen

The odd thing is - he's always been a controlling husband and has always gotten everything he's wanted throughout our marriage

odd thing is really that NO ONE can not be controlled without giving their own consent...
time for you to STOP all participation in that game....

because obviously it hasn't been working...

You need to expose this affair...
you need to confront the younger OW...since she does not reciprocate his feelings....and make it clear that her participation in contact with him is a huge danger to your children...

the good news is that there is something sick and stalkerish about a MARRIED man that clings to women who do not return their affections....

this will self destruct without a doubt...BUT it may have huge consequences...

do they work together....

how old are the children...

he is a great danger to the children...you need to seek legal counsel and figure out what boundaries are available to you that husband is not going to expose the children to his girlfriends...

time to learn to babble back at his insanity..

how much younger is this OW...

this is not the time to go belly up..
this is not the time to go victim to his insane ramblings...

this is the time for you grow a huge huge backbone...and stand up to his chaos.

Have you read about plan A
have you established boundaries..
have you told him you do not want a divorce and will not assist him in getting one...
nor will you assist him in moving out..enabling his actions..

have you secured the financial assetts so that the childrens resources are NOT going to condo shopping...

ARK

ark,
Your right about allowing myself to be controlled. It felt worth it to keep him happy. My point was that he wants to be free and I find it ironic because he's been so free already- always in control. Yes, my WH and OW work together. As a matter of fact he's her boss and I agree it is sick and stalkerish. I told him that myself. He feels that if he moves out she will suddenly want him because he's removed the obstacles of me and the kids (age 14 and 16). This Ow is 24 and my WH will be 41 in a few weeks. I have read everything, plan A, plan B and Dr. Dobson's "Love Must BE Tough". I do need to try to be tougher. The announcement that he's leaving is still fairly new (a few weeks ago) and I'm having a hard time getting out of 'wife' mode. Just a few weeks ago he was telling me how much he loved me and that I was the love of his life. It's hard to switch over to - wow- my husband can't really love me if he's doing this- mode very quickly. I am going to try to be tough though- thanks!!
Karen

Is he her boss as in he owns the company...ie you both own the company..

OR
is he the boss as in he has people over him and smells like harrassment and the stuff that human resources lose sleep over...

where are you on exposure

ark

He works for this company and he's her boss. It absolutely smells like harrassment and I've told him that. If he loses his job because of this the kids and I suffer too- I am a substitute teacher- random jobs and never know what my paycheck will be so he's the primary breadwinner. Scary, huh?
Karen