Hey, Karen...

I'll try this one again...exposure. What are your plans about exposing to everyone on the same day?

Also, why are you buying into his beliefs? What he says, you believe. As a wife, you need to acknowledge what he says and know that he believes it...but you don't have to believe it, too.

Seperate and equal, Karen.

You can do this.

LA

LA,
Expose to who? I told his mother this morning- is that what you mean? He knows our pastor knows. I'm pretty sure that OW knows that I know about her. I certainly don't want to expose at his job or he would lose his job. We aren't financially prepared for that. I do tell him everytime that he tells me he loves her that I don't believe it's love. Based on what- doing a job together? They've never gone on a date (well- lunch twice at work alone together) so how much does he really know about her? He's really an idiot. He has no capacity for looking into the future and thinking about what it might actually be for him. I can talk until I'm blue in the face but it's meaningless coming from me because he knows I want this marriage to work and therefore I'm just trying to "convince" him to stay. I'm having moments now where I'm not sure I want a WH who doesn't want me and keeps treating me like dirt. Most of my moments are sad and I'm desperate to keep this marriage together. I feel like a basket case right now.

Karen

Karen...

One of the biggest factors of plan A is keeping the lines of communication open...

it is in essence using limited time of contact to get their attention without really making it clear...

1. You stop ALL relationship talk...
it's comfortable ground for the WS they have lined up in their head a gazillion reasons why this marriage can't work right now....
no matter how logical and how good the BS points are about the marriage...the WS doesn't hear a word of them...and is only forming their rebuttal...

in plan A YOU stop all relationship talk.....and when they realize that you aren't talking about that....it gets their attention...

2. In plan A when contacted you sound upbeat and breezy..what they expect is morose BS...sad BS...you want their attention act a little surprized they called...act a little distracted...act a little busy...WS take great comfort in the image of BS being home wallowing in grief...
want their attention...get busy ...with some things...

3. Realize his actions are nothing short of a fantasy abandonment of his children WS truly believe that in the end everyone including children will want their happiness...
and that everyone will just come along swimmingly....

not true...

you need to seek legal counsel and establish what rights you will have to block your children from exposure to OP...
overnights etc...
and then you need to calmly find out what they are...

also you need to establish and secure your financial resources so that he can not take what you and the children need to finance his whims....

I am going to bump my plan A thread for you to read...

please read it as their are lots of peoples input...in it..

you can get yourself in really good control..
I know you can..

ARK

Ark,
I'm going to do it!!! No more relationship talk and no more sad talk. Really?? That works? I hope he's not just relieved that I'm not fighting him on this anymore. For a couple of days now I haven't called him at work - not even once. It kills me because I know OW is there. I have been extremely depressed- not doing the usual things in my life. I'm an avid skiier and usually go every week (my son and I were part of a racing team for the past 2 years at a local mountain). We went today and it was fun. I could only handle a couple of hours (too many happy couples and families) but we did have fun.
Thanks for your advice.
Karen

"Expose to who? I told his mother this morning- is that what you mean? He knows our pastor knows. I'm pretty sure that OW knows that I know about her. I certainly don't want to expose at his job or he would lose his job. We aren't financially prepared for that."

Are you financially prepared for a divorce?

This is not about your WH knowing, but others. Is OW married? She has a mother, father, boyfriend? They work together...the company has a right to know they have people who cheat working for them.

Do you want to save the marriage, or just make his repeated infidelity go away?

Ark is the best source for BS...just a fact on MB. If you want truth in your marriage, then you have to be willing to tell it, expose. A's aren't reality...they are fantasy. Plan A promotes reality and eskews fantasy. Unless you want to play along in fantasy and make it go away through manipulation and looking to change your WH against his choice.

LA

Checking in on you Karen...

I saw where you asked how we made it...I take that to mean recovered?

Really long story in that one. LOL.

I changed, which changed our patterns, so he changed, and we got here. Still changing, though. Delightful, painful and necessary. You can do this.

LA

LA,
WH told OW he was in love with her friday. She says she is attracted to him but there will never be anything between them. WH wants to leave me anyway- wants to be free to be with whoever he wants should he meet someone else. He says that even though he loves me he felt for her something he's never felt for me and that made him want to be free to date and explore. He says that there must be something about our relationship that makes it impossible for him to commit. He says that he's attracted to dominant, strong b--chy women. Women who are just like him. That's not me and although I've read all about love units and fulfilling his needs I can't be who I'm not. I can't even begin to tell you how much this hurts. That isn't how I saw our marriage. I guess I'm losing hope. I don't know how to fight something when in his eyes it's me that doesn't meet his needs. In every other way I do though, just not in personality. I am trying though. I'm trying to be positive around him.
Karen

LA

your husband is sooo on script with BULL and believe me the chasm of soul-less ness of what he says he wants...and the reality of what he is choosing...in phenomonal...

This is NOT about being who he wants...but it certainly IS about strong boundaries on your end...

what did his mother say..
what have you said about his plans financially....

ARK

ark,
his mother said she doesn't understand him but that the kids and I will always be a part of the family. Financially- he is aware that he will have to pay child support and alimony. Our house is on the market and if it sells fast enough he will stay until it sells. He plans to pay off my car, home equity loan and take a few thousand for himself and give the rest to me and kids. I'm really scared. Not just about losing him but everything in my life is changing. I don't know where we will live or where I will get a job. The kids are miserable about changing schools. I don't want to leave my church. Unfortunately we now live in the country ( no jobs at all) so moving out of the area is a must. It's beautiful here and I'm glad we had a chance to live here.
karen

Hey, Karen...

I need an update from you. I know you're scared, and it seems like he's making all the decisions. You have your own power in your choices. God given.

Sounds like you're getting caught up in future and fear when you are in the present...like the rest of us humans.

Here for you...you've got choices...even about saving your marriage.

LA