He found out today. The "affair" (no sex) ended over a year ago and we now have a 3 month old child. He will be home from work soon. He called and yelled at me today a few times, called me names, etc.. I said I was sorry over and over again begged for counseling but he said no. He wants to work it out (he says so far) but I don't know what to do. I love hom more than anything and things have been fantastic with us for the past year. Do I try to make him talk as soon as he gets back? Do I give him space? I'm afraid of making things worse and just want to get this recovery off on the right foot. I've been in his shoes twice with my first husband and one time I wanted to just be left alone for a while and the other I didn't want him out of my sight and just wanted to talk and talk and talk it to death. I will do almost anyhting to work this out and understand tht it will be tough and he won't ever trust me again but at the same time I don't want to upset him more and have him stand here yelling and calling me names this evening. I messed up but I am still a person and don't want to deal with emotional abuse. We also have the baby so we can't even be alone to talk and I am worried about stressing out the kid. Please, somone, help me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Would he be open to coming to marriage builders and reading? There is lots of good information here.

I was a cheating spouse (WW- wayward wife) in my first marriage, so I know how you feel. Be aware though that many people here are betrayed spouses (BS) and your post is sure to bring about pain for them.

I think counseling is the best option, along with MB principals. You need to get to the root of the reason that the affair happened.

I know you're hurting too, but please understand your husbands emotions are going to be all over the place. You've just destroyed his world, and he's sure to be angry, upset. He's allowed to be upset but not abusive so be alert to that. If you feel unsafe, please get some distance.

You guys can talk when the baby is sleeping or have grandma keep it so you guys can talk.

Hopefully some of the others here will chime in that have been here longer.

Thanks so much for talking to me. I know that people here will probably hate me because I too have been in their shoes in a previous marrige.
There's no help with the baby since we are living overseas right now and I don't think it would be fair for me to expect my husband to stay up until the middle of the night when the baby goes to sleep to talk.
I'm just so scared about everything. When he asked me about it a few times in the past I felt I had to lie to him. He even admitted today that he would have left me in an instant if I had ever confirmed his suspicions then he asked. This is probably screwed up but I felt like telling him would be unfair to him. The guilt has been unbelievable and I felt like that was my burden for messing up and that it would only make matters worse to make him feel terrible too.
He's never been abusive. I am just worried about what he may say or rather yell at me when I see him after some of th things he screamed at me over the phone today. He would call, yell, ask questions he doesn't really need to hear the answer to (details), call me names (his favorite so far is WH***) and then hang up. He did this about 4 times.
We briefly separated once or twice around the time the affair began then decided to get a divorce once or twice but ended up decided later that we would try to work it out. He never tried. And then I screwed up. Then it just hit me one day that I was being awful and that him not keeping up his end of the bargain to work on things was no excuse for me to do what I was doing so I started trying to end things with the other guy. He was all in love and not wanting to let go and I was terrified of what he was going to do. WHen I finally just ran the risk of the other guy blowing up and told him I never wanted to see or speak to him again for any reason whatsoever and that I didn't have any feelings for him I felt a little better. That was over a year ago. Soon after Hubby and I started getting along again I got pregnant. Things had only been going well for about 6 weeks when that happened so even though I wanted to there was no way I could come clean with hubby now. I guess I thought it was in the past and would stay there and I could eventually learn to deal with the guilt and in a way benefitted from the lessons the whole ordeal taught me.

when he asked why it happened I tried to tell him, being clear that I was not using it as an excure, simply trying give him an honest answer. I kept saying, "I know what I did was wrong, this is why I did it" and "I'm SO sorry" but even though he'd asked to know why he wouldn't listen to my answer. He keeps saying that the only thing marriage is about is infinite trust and fidelity and that I am dirty and he can never trust me about anything ever again.

Desperate,

OK. Good that you are here, it will help you alot and will also help your marriage. Let me start by saying that I am a BW whose FWH had an 8-month long distance PA with a former college friend.

Coaches wife is right, your H's emotions will be all over the place for quite awhile. It is important for you to realize and accept this. The pain of this type of betrayal is nearly unbearable.

If you can, get your husband to agree to MC and then find a good, promarriage counselor. If you can, use the Harleys. Direct him to MB and encourage him to read and post on the forum.

I also think that it is very important for you to figure out why you had your EA and make sure that you are completely honest with your husband about everything such as details, your feelings, etc. Do not keep things from him simply because you think it will hurt him more or out of fear of how he will react.

Over time you and your H will realize how lucky you are to have found MB. My FWH and I stumbled around getting some things right instinctually and many things wrong, for 15 months following d-day. We have made lots of progress here at MB.

That said, I thing my FWH reads here occasionally, but don't think that he has ever posted.

Good luck.

Who

THanks so much for the advice. I begged him to go to counseling. He absolutely refused. I actually got him to go to counseling with me before the affair one time but every appt after that he found an excuse not to attend. He says he knows everything that the counselor will say and do and that it will do him no good, yadda yadda. Oh, and we are a military family overseas so we have to use the counselors on base... No chance in ****** I am going to get him to go to the office there on base for the world to see... He's vbery worried about appearances...

I have to change/feed the baby so I have to go for a bit. I will check back ASAP to see if you guys have any more advice to get us through this first evening of what I am sure will be pure ****** for all parties. Thank you so much for your wisdom...

Desperate,

OK, I get it. I am also in the military, but not overseas. How about going to a chaplain?

It is important to remember that most of the work here is yours, but your husband will also need to at least try to move forward towards recovery al well.

Please be patient with him. This is very difficult for we BS.

Oh ya, stay away from alcohol and try to make sure your husband does too. It is a depressant and totally makes things worse right now.

Who

Alcohol was one of the big problems before. He was working about 16 hours a day and spent the rest of his time on the phone with buddies drinking heavily. The only attention he ever paid to me then was while he was being really mean while drunk. I have suggested several times that there be no alcohol in our house but he didn't like the idea. The drinking hasn't been a problem in the past year but I will try to make sure he doesn't resort to it in the next month or so. I think that would be the final straw that would keep us from being able to move forward.
I started working on my end as soon as all of this happened but finally realized that I couldn't work it al lout on my own so now the real work begins. I have no problem at all with having absolutely no privacy in my life right now, he can monitor phone calls, e-mail, whatever; and I have no problem letting him know wher I am at every moment of every day if he cares. I just want to know that I am not sticking around to work this out only to be ridiculed and called names and have my past mistake thworn in my face everyday for the rest of my life. Any ideas on how long it will be before I can say those things and dont' have to take the verbal abuse that I am sure will come over the next few days. I know he is agngry, hurt, etc (remember, I was BW in last marriage) so he will need to vent for a while but it will only make matters worse in my eyes if that stage lasts more than a couple of days. Good idea ab out the CHaplain. I will suggest it tonight and see what he says. Are they going to support up working it out after what I did?

As you have already been told, her will be all over the place. His mood will changes will not be on a short fuse, but an on/off switch.

The best thing you can do is recognize what caused the affair, do not point blame. Own the actions as your mistake, and once things settle a bit talk about the things that caused your A.

He does need to be careful on getting too much information. Finding out to much will cause the triggers to the A to be worse. But you can not hide anything from him. The last thing you want is to start the whole process over later because he found out something new.

Time is the only cure, and you will need to give him all he needs. Be patient, and always reassure him you made a mistake, and you are there for him.

Live your life an open book, make sure he is aware of what, and who you are with at all times. Do not allow is mind to think something could still be going on.

Back to today. Let him vent and get it out of his system.

He is going to hate you, love you, want to leave you, and never let you go all at the same time.

Desperate: IRT the Chaplain. Yes they will want to help you.

About the details... I know that when I discovered my first husband was cheating I drilled him for every little detail thinking taht knowing absolutely everything would make me feel more in control. In the end I think taht knowing every little detail is what ended up driving me insane and making me decide to leave. So far I have told him that while there was a physical aspect (kissing) for part of our relationship there was never any real sexual stuff. He started demanding more info. I am worried about this. I honestly don't remember every little thing that was ever said between myself and the OM. I will be able to answer some questions but I am afraid he will ask things that I just don't know the answer to. I know that knowing the details of what was done between my spouse and the OW haunted me much worse than what I could have dreamed up on my own becauwe I knew the specifics. Will knowing the details of every comversation I can remember really help him or will it haunt him and make things worse?

Also, I read a lot on the websire before i came on here... Lots of the stuff about how to get through the first part don't apply since I haven't spoken to the other man in over a year. He said he called him and met with him today and the other guy confirmed that I ended it because I loved my husband and wanted to try to work things out with him so I guess the No contact letter would be pointless. We also don't ahve to deal with that 3 week withdrawal process that i never had to deal with in the firt place. When I ended it there was no withdrawal, I felt freed. All of the stuff I read in the infidelity section talks mosty about how to deal with the withdrawal and how the betrayed spouse whould treat the one who had the affair but offers little for the offender. I wish I could find more specific info on how to treat him, he is the victim here and I am more worried about what to do for my part...

to make things easier for him...

I am a former WW. I feel for you. Just hang in there, and keep doing what you know that is good, like avoiding LBs and steadily loving your BH. Answer any questions he has, but do be careful that you don't let your feelings go back toward the OM when thinking of it. Hang in there, it will be a bumpy ride for a while, but it will get better for both of you.
God bless.

what's LB? I don't remember seeing that one in the acronym list...
No problem with feeling about the OM. The thought of him disgusts me because of what I did.

If he needs the details, give them to him. If you don't, he will think it was a lot worse that it probably really was or make up his own version. I never wanted the details, I figured they did it all, many times. That was enough for me. Frankly, because OW is fat and out of shape, (I'm not) I think my FWH has ugly triggers on it more than I do.

Who

Glad to see you can find a little humor in your situation. I know it is even more confusing to my hubby that this happened because he is very attractive and in great shape and the OM... not so much at all. But, I guess that isn't at all what matters when you ahve en EA. I didn't find him even remotely attractive and that seemed to make it easier.
I fear that he is out drowning his sorrows at a pub. I am getting worried. He should have been home from work hours ago and is not answerring his cell. I sent him a text saying please let me know you are alive even though you may not want to talk to me right now and nothing. I hope he's not out getting a DUI or doing something crazy. He screamed at me earlier that he may head down to one of the brothels down the street or go out and find himself an A. I told him that I love him no matter what and if that is what he needs to do we will find a way to work it out. I"m worried out of my mind. I hope he is okay.

Checkout Astrix post on this thread. He is having a hard time dealing with being a BH, but his FWW much like you is not dealing with withdrawl. His thread should give you an idea of how your H will deal with your A.

Thanks!!!