Here the link Astrix's Thread

Keep texting him. With reassurance, and concern.

Probably a very empty threat. I made similar threats in anger shortly after d-day ( well not the brothel part) knowing full well that I couldn't actually do such a thing.

FWIW, you sound so regretful that I hope he sees it soon. My FWH's first response to me on D-day (also over the phone) was "I'll accept half the blame but the other half belongs to you." He's lucky I didn't shoot him when he walked thru the door when he came home.

One thing that I think is very important for you to remember as a FWS. Do not think that it should matter less to your H that you didn't have SF. My FWH's A was with a former friend and I knew he initially had fond feelings for her and regreted "ruining" their friendship. The SF was less important and far less painful for me to deal with than his fondness for her.

Of course, long before d-day he wasn't feeling much fondness for her. Once they crossed over the line from an EA to a PA, she began to make all sorts of demands on him and things got real ugly very quickly. OW basically LB'd him right out of the affair.

I am anxious to hear how things go when your H gets home. Steel yourself and try to remain calm, no matter how mean he is. Remember that it will be his anger and pain talking and he will probably say things in an attempt to make you feel the pain he is experiencing.

Who

I am thinking of leaving now. I still have no idea where he is or if he is okay but the longer he is out the more convinced I am that he will come home drunk. If he comes home tonight after too many drinks and sees me for the first time since learning these things he may do something we'll both regret later and I have to keep my 12 week old baby safe. I tried to text him again just now and he has turned off his cell. He's shut me out completely so it's not looking good.

Oh, and I don't regret ruining my friendship with the OM at all. My marriage is so much more important than any other relationship to me that I can't stress enough how much I wish I had never given in to OM's attempts in the beginning.

That maybe a good idea to leave that is. Just make sure to leave him a note explaining your concerns, and again Reassure him, confirm how sorry you are for causing his pain, etc... and let him know to contact you.

How old are you 2?

26 and 30, He came home. He is drunk. Not exactly speaking to me either. He locked himself in the bathroom. I went to the door and told him that I was here for him would like for him to come out. No answer after a minute or two so I left him alone.

First and foremost stay safe. Try to reach out to him, he can use it regardless what he says.

Hang in there and keep safe. There are a lot of people in this forum who can help you through this difficult situation. Expect him to say a lot of hurtful things and try not to take it personally or respond in anger.

Keep safe and keep letting him know you love him, made a mistake and want to stay in the marriage.

Thinking of you........

DW,

First thing is that you need to tell him what he needs to know. However, before you answer a question ask him if he REALLY wants to know as it may be hard for him to forget. Then suggest he think about it a day or so. If at that time he still needs to know you will answer his questions in all of the detail he wants.

Often people think they need to know details that later they would just as soon not know. But, part of this is the fact that they need to know that they can get the information when they need it. If you are honest with him, and tell him you will answer in any level of detail he wants after he has thought about it a bit, it may relieve some of the pressure to ask some of these questions.

Next, how did he find out? Did you tell him, or did it come from another source? This will be important for us to know when offering advice.

Also you might suggest he come here. We have many military here, some Wayward spouses, some betrayed spouses. Further he is anonomous here.

You really cannot minimize the pain your H is in. You should know that having been on the other side. What you can do is give this time and have a lot of patience. It will take awhile before he is ready to start recovery. Given that your marriage was not in the best of shape I would like to suggest you read the articles on needs here. Then read about love busters, LB's. If you can start to meet each other's needs and prevent love busters your marriage can heal.

Finally, let's talk about boundaries. You should NOT take abuse from him in the form of verbal or physical. His anger is to be expected, but you should clearly and firmly explain to him what you feel is abuse and express to him you won't accept or tolerate it. Establish this early on and then reinforce it.

He is angry, so don't set your boundaries in a confrontational manner, but express them in terms of your feelings and expectations.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

DW,

How's it going. I'm sure iut was a rough weekend, but how's he taking it?

well, we are both alive. Even though he was drunk when he came home he just threw water bottles around the room when he got realy flared up. THen he cried. It's the first time I have ever seen my husband really cry and it killed me. We've only been together for 4 years but he still never let me in or showed much emotion about anything before. We talked some that first night after he just didn't speak to me for an hour or two. It was explosive and sad. Then he went upstairs and decided to lay down in the spare bedroom. When I was done putting the baby to bed I just cracked the dor open to see where he was (making sure he didn't leave the house and try to drive anywhere) and he asked me to lie with him. We talked a little more. I just kept telling him over and over again that it wasn't his fault and that I made a huge mistake and that he did not deserve any of this (no one does; and he kept asking those things). Yesterday was shockingly good. First I saw him putting new bottles of liquor on the bar and begged him not to drink at all until we get past this. At first he refused and said that the bottle was the only thing he could count on to be there for him. Then he relented after some more beggin on my part and didn't have any drinks (so far).
After that discussion we had lots of good communication, some yelling and lots of tears. I answered all of his questions and tried to explain my frame of mind at the time and what got me there. Our marriage had hit rock bottom at the time and we were worlds apart. He told me some things about his first marriage (He was BS)that cleared up why he has always acted the way he has ie. emotionally unavailable, unsupportive, uncommunicative, etc.
We took what we call a "Family walk" (two of us, baby, and two dogs) and had dinner together. First time either of us had eaten in two days and it made him sick. Then we actually went to bed together and talked some more. THen we were physically intimate. He pursued it, I wouldn't have. I figure I should let him initiate any physical stuff at this point. I don't want to make any moves over the next few weeks and freak him out if that's not what he wants at the moment. He woke me up really really early this morning to ask if I knew of any way to help him. He got up a few times in the night and was vomiting, and having upset stomach. He says he can't stop shaking and feels like he may have an ulcer. I asked him to go to the DR but he won't. I wish I could at least help with the physical syptoms he's having. Neither of us can really eat or sleep for more than a few minutes at a time.
He suggested that I make some plans for us to get out and about over the next few weekends. Little day trips that we can take the baby on. I'm not even sure how to go about finding stuff like that to do over here. We would normally find a little tour through the USO or something to visit a castle or vineyard but those aren't baby-friendly.

I didn't tell him about the A. I lied to him the two times he asked me if anything was going on. I know it was wrong but I knew that it would end our marriage back then and this time I just couldn't imagine telling him after all this time. In my mind I seemed to have passed a point of no return and it was too late to come clean. And I didn't want to have my Son lose his father over something I did before he even existed. He confirmed that we would have divorced had he found out a year ago and that the reason he is willing to work things out (so far) is because our marriage had become so much stronger in the past year, because now I am everything to him, and because we owed it to the baby.

The OM was going through a divorce when it happened and his angry e-wife hacked his e-mail after she went back to the states; and finally got what she wanted to ruin my life. She was angry that her X had female friends after they split and decided that every single one of them were having wild crazy S with her soon to be X. While our A wasn't at all physical it was emoti9onal and that means that it was all there on e-mail. So, she decided (a year later) to contact my husband. I was told that she was going to do it a long time ago. She thought that our A was physical so when I got pregnant she ran to her X and told him that he was having a baby. He freaked out because he thought that meant she was pregnant. She also told him that she was going to make it her mission to ruin my life and that of my "B@$**rd child". Problem with that is that it was impossible for it to be his child like she so wanted it to be and that seemed to piss her off more. He tried to tell her that we hadn't even spoken in months and that she needed to let go and move on. Apparently their divorce was largely her fault but she was desperately searching for someone else to blame it on, it didn't matter that I came in the picture after they were over. So, she copied some of the e-mails, edited the content, then sent them to my husband. I don't completely understand why she is changing some of the stuff in the e-mails. I knwo that she wants to ruin our marriage and is trying to make it all seem much wores than it is but some of the things don't make sense. He forwarded me one of them and when I read it It was clear (to me) that she had changed the date that it was sent and added a few things to it. I now wish more than anyhting right now that I hadn't deleted all of them so I could give them to my husband to compare. I purged every shred of the OM from my life when I finally got it across to him that it was really truly over and that I really really really didn't ever want to see him or speak to him again. (He went total psycho when I tried to end things and desperately clung to any shred of hope and drug it out for more than a month. I was terrified of my hubby finding out so I had to be careful) If I still had those e-mails then I could without a doubt prove to my husband that some things she is trying to use are not what they seem and that she is manipulating some of it to closer resemble what she needs to fulfill her purpose. Anyone ever heard anything about being able to retrieve messages that were deleted from Yahoo accounts?
I offered up my e-mail passwords and volunteered to keep him aware of my whereabouts at all times for a while and let him monitor my phonecalls if he wants but he said he wasn't interested. I left that door open in case he changes his mind. I also volunteered to tell my family about what I did but he decided that it wasn't a great idea but said that he wants to tell what few friends I have left here and tell my best friend (who is just like a mom to me) in the states. He said he wants people to know what kind of person I really am and to make me look bad. I understand that he wants to hurt me but don't think I am really a bad person. I made a mistake but it doesn't mean that everything I do in my life is bad. I'm just human and have used bad judgement in the past. I asked if he would let me tell my friends with him right there with me but he said no, he wants to tell them. Can amyone explain that to me? To me it would be harder for me to sit there and tell them myself what I did than to just stand by and let him do the talking so why does he want to be the one to tell them?
I suggested he come here to read some of the articles at least and maybe a few threads from others in his position but he refused. I think that it would really help if I could get him to do it. He also refused to talk to a Chaplian. Reading here has hade a lot of the things he is feeling and doing make total sense to me and I think it would help him to see that all of his feelings are normal. He keeps saying that he is a (vulgar name for female genitalia that starts with P) for not leaving. I have tried to explain to him that I think he is actually being much more brave than many people would by staying and trying to work through it since the easy path would be just giving up but he doesn't seem to listen to that.

*** WIll finish in a bit, have to feed/change baby***

I have a question for anyone (Ws or BS) that would be willing to share their opinion on this...
My husband is physically ill over this. It gets worse when he reads e-mails that were forwarded from the affair, etc...
When I was BS I found myself going over and over and over the proof of the A like I was addiceted to it. It killed me to see these things and read the words he (EX) wrote but I literlly could not stop reading them. H says he feels the same way. I told him that I know he will need to go over these things for a while but asked him to try to get to a point where he can delete the e-mails (suggested a few weeks)so that he won't develop the same addiction I once had (it kept be from being able to forigve EX and move forward with relationship). Is this reasonable? Especially since the forwarded e-mails aren't all neccessarily just forwarded but have been augmented and manipulated? I am being honetst with him about everything but the woman sending him the messages has said that she just wants to ruin my life so she is "fixing" things to suit her purpose. I suggested that hubby just ask the OM any questions he has since he was there and was involved and the e-mail fairy wasn't. SHe obviously has no real idea of what happened between me and the OM since she tried to say I was having a child with a man I never had sex with so I am afraid she will try to pass off what she THINKS happened or wants to think happened as fact. I feel like we will be much more successfull at recovery once her toxic anger and wish for revenge is not a factor anymore.

I am sorry what you are going through. Clearly your husband now thinks you were screwing the OM although you say this was not case. The emails because they were altered suggest that the baby is that of the OM. You have to understand the problem that your husband has. Why would you have credibility now when you were involved in at least an emotional affair behind his back. I think this is killing him. I am guessing even though there was no sex there was still some kissing and touching? This is just a thought but since your husband probably believes that there is more than what you have confessed - I would volunteer to take a polygraph test. This would put your husband's mind to rest and realize that you were telling him the truth. I just hope you were really telling him the whole truth. I wish you luck.

DW - good to hear from you again and to know you are safe and making progress. Continute to read and post here. You will get support and advice every step of the way. Tell you H that he doesn't have to go through it alone either.

Expect an emotional rollercoaster. You will have good days and bad days. Expect his emotions to fluctuate too, especially since he is used to medicating with alcohol.

You guys can get through this and be stronger.

Bryanp,

I have only seen one of the e-mails but it did not suggestt atht our son belonged to the OM. I have no idea if any of the other ones did. I forgot that I have spaoken to the OM once in the past year. I ran into him in the shoppette one day and he kind of verbally attacked me. He was understandably very angry with me since I cut him out of my life and hurt his feelings and he opened the attack by angrily telling me that his soon to be ex called him and told him that he was going to be a father and that she hoped he was happy (keep in mind this was not sincere, she was being sarcastic). He said he freaked because at first he thought that meant that she was pregnant. When she told him taht I was pregnant he said that he felt relived since he knew it wasn't possible and that he was angry with me for being happy with my husband and working things out. He also told me everything that she said about how she wa going to contact my husband and ruin my life to get back at me for "sleeping with my husband". She was going to ruin my life over something that never even happened! He said that he told her the truth, that we were inappropriately close and that the relationship had never been physical but that she just laughed at him and told him that it didn't matter cause someone was going to pay for the fact that their marriage was ending. I guess if she couldn't accept the blame for what happened with him and it couldn't be placed entirely on him that she had to reach out and try to make someone miserable. (she's 23 but has the maturity level of a 16 year old so I can see why she reacted that way, I remember that concept making sense when I was a teen, misery loves company). I'm not sure why she did it a year later. Maybe she knew it would make the most negative impact since the baby would be involved too.
I think that my husband knows I have been honest about the A. I told him to go talk to the OM again if he has any doubts but I have no idea whether he will want to do that again or not. I know that he is upset and confused right now, I just hope that he is clearheaded enough not to believe any and everything the exwife says since she was in no way involded and has no idea of what really happened (she refused to listen to the truth because the truth wasn't bad enough to serve her purpose). Her motive is displaced revenge and I believe that she will do or say anyhting she can come up with to get her intended result.
I have been honest with my husband. A part of me believes that if it were a PA it almost would have been easier for him to handle. Sex with someone other than your partner is wrong, but in the end sex is just sex. I think its been harder for him to deal with the fact that I was allowing someone else to meet my EN when he wouldn't. If what I needed was SF it would have not been a problem since he husband would have been more than willing and eager to stop and spend time with me to do that. Like I am sure many women understand, if my EN are met, I almost don't have and S desires. I have a hard time feeling close enough to H to want to have S when he;s not meeting my EN. To complete the viscious cycle things work in the opposite manner for my H. So, one of us has to suck it up and do what we don't feel like doing for a while with nothing in return to get things back on track. Amazingly enough, H is doing a better job than ever at meeting my EN in the days since D-day. And I have been doing my best to meet his PN. Even though I have not fully recovered from childbirth and my hormones keep me from having any sex drive at all at this point it is SO much easier for me to meet his needs beacuse I want to make him happy since he is finally meeting all of my EN.

intention,

I am very proud to report that no one in our house has had a drop of alcohol in the past few days. He mentioned drinking (i don't think he was too serious) and after we talked about it for a minute I am not really worried that he will be drinking again until we make some progress. I wish there was a way I could ensure that neither of us would ever drink again because I know that even a year from not he could have a few and just let all those feelings that he will have dealt with by then take back over. But, he is an adult and I can't tell him what to do anymore than he can me. I am waiting for the emotions to start fluctuating but haven't really seen any of that. I expected it to change fomr day to day but adter talking for several hours the first day (and boy was that a rollercoaster for both of us!) he has settled into hurt but very sweet and very giving. He gave me a massage for the first time in over 3 years last night just because he wanted to. He has never been much for giving without being sure he will get what he wants in return until now. He does nice things like wash dishes, fold laundry, help more with the baby, etc.
I have actually been worried that ther hasn't been more hatred or anger. So, last night when we were lying in bed I asked him if he was okay, if he needed to talk about anything, if he was feeling alright, yadda yadaa. He did talk but didn't seem angry or anything. He said that he felt like he was being needy and I got the impression that it made him uncomfortable to feel taht way. I reassured him taht he was not being too needy, that I am here for him in any way he needs any time of day of night. I told him that it is actually kind of nice to feel needed by him for the first time in our relationship. I can now see that he loves me and wants me through his actions. He also said he was hurt but that he was getting through it. I feel like he should be talking more about how he is feeling but he just keeps saying it hurts. I wil not press for details. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me about it because he knows how much it already hurts me too see him this way because of something I did and is actually trying to make it easier for me. If that is the case I am the luckiest woman in the world. There have been times that we have not been good to each other but if in this, the most important time of all, he can still be considerate of my feelings I have not a doubt in my mind that we are capable of getting through anything together. He did warn me that if he ever sayd that he doesn't love me that he is just upset and that I should know that he doesn't mean it. So, maybe the anger will be back soon.
I am thinking of seeking IC to see if I can be put on meds for anxiety. Anyone have any thoughts on this? I am horribly on edge every second of the day becaue I am waiting for him to blow. The stress has caused me to have to start feeding my baby formula (it stopped my milk production) and I can barely eat or get any good sleep. I know this isn't healthy but at the same time think that getting help from meds is kind of cheating since I know I should suffer the way he is (he's having same problems; well, all but the milk part). Aynone think I should hold off on trying to get meds this early on? I don't need IC in the sense that I need to know what caused me to have the A or why I have behaved in the way I have, I think I may need it to help me learn how to cope with the stress and guilt cause by what I did.

Hello again,

It sounds like things are getting much better. I think you guys will make it. Keep telling him it is O.K. for him to be needy and that you want to be needed. I wish you luck.

Thanks. I think we will definitely make it if tings continue the way they have but then again who knows that we won't derail tomorrow. Is it normal for a BS to behave in this manner? When I was a BS I freaked out and wasn't nearly as 'together' as my H seems to be. Sure, he totally freaked out for one day but when I was in his shoes by freakouts lasted on and off daily for weeks (the first time w EX, he left), were on and off daily for months second time (ExH, stayed in M) and nonstop for weeks the last time (ExH again, I left and D). There is a small par tof me that is worried taht he is not really dealing with this and is bottling up his feeling and not dealing with them so I am afraid that things will seem fine and a that year or two from now I will think that we are recovered and he will just explode out of nowhere.