DW - What did your EA entail? Were you friends for a long or short time before? Was it mainly email or phone? etc.

I am asking because my wife had one too. I found out about it very quickly (she didn't tell me about it and she lied as long as she could) and I think it's over (but how can I be really sure?) She has not been nearly as apologetic and understanding as it sounds like you have been. Sort of defiant at times. Says OM is just a good friend and she would still like to be friends. Says I haven't been meeting her needs for 15 years so could I really blame her when someone came along who did? I will admit she is right to a certain extent, but I also think she has made out the past 15 years to be much worse than they really were.

Anyway, I am trying to better understand EAs and what the feelings are so I can better understand her and what she did. The worst thing about it from my perspective (this is not intended to beat you up, since you are acting very differently than my wife) is that I now feel very differently about my wife that I ever have (been married for 18 years) and I doubt I will ever feel the same way again and she doesn't get it.

Thanks.

DW,

Glad to hear your weekend went well "all considering". Sounds like your H is doing OK.

Don't push him but give him the link to this site, maybe he will come and read, and if needed post. Many of us here are, or were military. I retired 2 years ago, and understand the mindset and unique circumstances.

Did you have the chance to read Astrix's thread? Sounds like you handled the weekend perfectly.

As you have already seen, he does feel needy, and will probably not want to ask for some of the things that will help him cope. Be with him as much as possible. Touching, reassuring, cuddling, make sure he always knows where you are.

You survived D-day, now its time to get to work.

As your aware you have a rollercoaster of emotions to deal with. Expect the ups/downs.

I responsed the simular to your H. D-day, I told my wife i hated her, called her every name in the book. I Chucked her wedding band down the street (far) "Amazingly she found it at 1:00AM". An hours later I was telling her I Loved her, and we can get thru this.

Back to my point. Yes he is holding back, trying to remain in control of his emotions, and there will be times they pour out.

Just like a physical wound, time is required to heal, and a scar will remain. Thats not to say your M can't be better than it has ever been. But it does take two.

DW,

You might think about things in reverse a bit. You realize that most men will talk less and less the more hurt they are. In this sense we are the opposite of you ladies. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You also know that he does not want to appear 'needy'. What that probably means is that he does not want to ask for anything from you right now. However, that does not mean he doesn't need something from you.

You see your EA has caused him to really question himself in many ways. So perhaps what might help is you NEEDED him. If you expressed to him why you want him in your life, why you want him near you, what you respect about him. Oddly, it is times such as these when we often learn to appreciate what we almost lost. So talk to him in these terms, as hypthetical questions to get him talking... "if you were in the situation of (name someone) how would you guess he would feel or react?" By placing things in the third person you might get him to open up, because then HE is not being needy.

Finally, I don't know your normal form of communicating with him, but it is clear he needs physical contact with you. I am not talking about sex, but perhaps that as well. What I am talking about it touch. When you talk to him put your hand on his, or his arm or his back. Make physical contact with him as often as you can.

As for the anger, it will probably come later. Usually it is seen around here between the 4-6 month mark as the marriage starts to improve and the BS feels they are safer.

But, in reality you may never see the anger. Do you know why? Anger is a secondary emotion driven by: pain, fear, frustration, etc. Your H may be well enough connected to his emotions that can deal with them directly without manifesting much anger. If so you and he are very lucky.

DW, keep up the good work, but don't be afraid to ask him for what you need, it could be a hug, a kiss, or just holding your hand. Ask, let him KNOW you need him.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I just had an extremely productive one hour phone convo with him and am feeling a lot less unsure about everything. We talked about ome thing's we hadn't and got a lot of stuff clearly across to each other that maybe we have been afrais to say out loud before. He surprised me when he told me that he feels that we are closer now that we have ever been and that we are stronger as a couple these past few days than ever before. I have been feeling that way but wold have never said it out loud for fear of it being misunderstood by him. I am definitey one of the ;uckiest women in the world. While we have both been a 'bad spouse' to each other in the past we are both really doing what we need to when it comes down to the time that really really matters. I could not be more proud of theman I married than i have been in these past few days. He is showing an unimagineable amount of courage, respect, love, and devotion. There is a tiny part of me that is starting to think that I don't deserve such a man.
One thing taht I don't understand is that he told me that he has also been feeling tremendous guilt over the EA. He said that he recognizes that he wasn't meeting my needs and has explained some of the ways he was acting to me that got us to that point. He said that while thinking of what happened makes him feel sick at the same time he feels the overwhelming need to let me know how much he loves me and compells him to do things to show that. I can't bear the thought that he is feeling guilt over what happened. I told him that while we both contributed to the situation that existed when I had my time of weakness that it was my fault because I am the one who wasn't strong enough to resist the OM's lure. I know that he hears me say that it is in no way his fault but is there any way I can really really make him understand that. He also agreed to blind CCme on a NC e-mail that he is going to send to the woman that brought this to light. He said that he knows everything that he needs to know and that she has not been honest about evreything. I am so relieved that he was open to the idea because it has been keeping me from being as available to him as he needs me to be right now. The constant fear that he has been communicating with her keeps me from being able to be as open and affectionate as I have wanted to be. It has made me anxious that each time he calls he will be calling to tell me that she jsut came up with some outrageous embellishment or that every time he comes hom e he will have been talking to her and feel angry. I know that sometimes commiserating can make you more emotional and make you have a harder time letting things go because I have been that way before. I feel so much hope at this point that I am almost happy for the moment and am definitely overwhelmed with love for my dear dear husband.
Thank you again for being here to help and encourage. I think we will beat this thing with the support of all of you.
193296 - I will try to answer your quesitons tomorrow. No time now, I want to have a nice dinner prepared for my husband when he walks through the door after a 14 hour day at work.

Wow, today has been a rollercoaster. Started out with me finally falling asleep at 0300 after almost 3 hours of staring at my H trying to decide whether or not to wake him up to tell him something. In the end I juts couldn't wke him, it was the first time he seemed to sleep well in days and he was only going to be getting 5 hours at best.
I'd asked him to wake me when he got up to shower so that I gcould go cook him breakfast so he wouldn't be suffering through hunger pangs in class before work. Well, He didn't wake me. I woke up at 0730 and felkt guilty that I hadn't heard him get up so that I could try to do something nice for him to start his day. So, I come downstair, feed the baby, then log on to the computer to come here and read. When I log onto the internet I start getting all of these weird messages. I copied one and put it in google. Google said I had spyware on my computer. I was freaking out. My yahoo account was hacked around a month ago (maybe 2 weeks? Bad memory) and I thought that some evil hacker had invaded our computer and was going to steal all of our personal info. I was getting these messages from McAfee telling me that something was wrong but that it wasn't a virus so I didn't know what to think. It took about 60 more seconds of trying to figure out what the heck what going on before it dawned on me. My husband, who always asks me for help with anything above basic operater level functions, has gone out and gotten himself a spyware program!!! I almost fell out of my chair. So, I start invegtigating and see that he has a leylogger set to record screenshots and keystrokes that will eventually go to his e-mail account (had he been able to set it up properly). I didn't even know how to feel. A tiny part of me was proud of him for trying to learn to use something that he'd probably never heard of before this week (he said google gave the idea to him when he was looking for something having to do with affairs), but the rest of me was oh so hurt and furious that after we mutually agreed to honesty and progress he was resorting to this type of behavior and acting like everything was fine to my face (He installed it this morning). I had offered more than once to give him the passwords to all e-mail accounts, to let him listen to all my phone conversations, read my mail, and track my whereabouts at all times but he said he was not interested in any of that. This is why I was confused. I felt that it brought us back to square one because now HE was telling lies and doing things behind my back while we were supposed to be working together. Can someone please explain to me why he would feel the need to start being sneaky to do something that I already offered up to him on a silver platter? I called him at work to tell him taht I knew, and that I was hurt and angry and asked him to please help me understand why he did this. He just said that it was stupid and that he wasn't sure and then he actually came home from work and deleted the program. I know he can't be worried about me talking to the OM because he knows there has been NC for a very long time now (he spoke to OM himself and he confirmed this) so what can it be? When he tried to program the keylogger he trie dto set it to report any activity containing the words "affair", "Cheating" and "sex". Does this mean that he doens't believe me when I tell him that it was an EA and not a PA? H has asked me several times like he may not believe that i am telling the truth but when I tell him to go ask OM he gets angry that I would suggest such a thing. Well, That's the only way I can think of proving it to him! I don't want him talking to OM either (beacuse it upsets him so badly) but if that's what it takes to get him to accept that it was an EA then so be it.
Well, when he came home to delete his spyware we got to talk a little. I think that was a productive situation. He had asked me sometime in the past few days if I had any bank accounts anywhere that he didn't know about and kept pushing me like I was lying when I told him I didn't. It struck me as odd at the time because why would the OM XW be telling him that I had bank accounts that don't exist. Well, while I was staring at the ceiling in the dark it occurred to me that there was something that I hadn't told him. In one of my bank accounts that he knows I have there is about $2,500 that I had put aside as emergency money before I stopped working. It started out as $5,000 that i saved so that I could continue making my own car payment for the first year or so after getting out of the military but when he went to Iraq last year I stopped paying my car payments once it reached about 2,500 so that if something happened I would have money to buy a ticket back to the states and take care of myself during the first month or so until life insurance or whatever paid out. I didn't want to be pregnant and stranded in Europe dealing with the worst tradgedy if something were to happen to him. THis brings us to the fact that he hsa one joint account that he puts enough money into to pay the bills each month and in every other way keep all of the finances, investments, retirement, savings to himself. I don't even have any idea what he has. I let him know taht this bothered me many amny times over the past few years but he did't care. It made it seem like to him the money he had was more importnant that our marriage since he didn't even trust me with the knowledge that it existed. It made me feel like I was only allowed into certain little compartments of his life where he wanted me to be but wasn't adult enough to be a real partner. He was treasting me like an untrustworthy child. Keep in mind that I had never, even once, given him any reason to belive that I was careless or untrustworthy at all with finances.
So, I told him that while I had not lied about there being any undisclosed bank accounts that I had forgotten (really, I had with all that was going on) to tell him that there was emergency money in one of those accounts and explained to him how it started out and why I ended up keeping it in there. I had pretty much forgotten that he didn't know about it since I leave the statement from that account lying open around the house every month. I did try to make this a non-issue a few times over the past 6 months since he returned from raq by asking him to make me a secondary on a savings account somewhere so taht if something were to ever happen to him the baby and I would not have to worry about travel expenses, etc. He just kept telling me not to worry like I was some idiot child and that if something were to happen to him taht the baby and I would be "well off". My husband doesn't seem to realize that it takes months for loved ones to receive the monetary settlements from insureance policies and gain access to funds in account that they are not listed on. I tried to tell him that but he acted like I was some stupid girl that was making things up. So, today, after I told him about my emergency money, he told me how much he thinks he has in investments/savings and the like. He even said that he would put me on an account somewhere so that I would have access to funds if an emergency were to arise. He asked me to close my bank account because he was mad taht he hadn't known about that money but I can't because I have to have it open until I payoff my car loan with that credit union. I suggested that we just leave the money there to pay for the car for the next 6 months and he finally agreed that that would make the most sense since the account must remain open anyway. I asked that we both sit down and write out a list of any institutions that we have accounts with and include the account numbers etc so that one knows what the other needs to take care of in the event that anything wer to happen to the other ot so that our son's new guardian would know what the boy is entitled to if we were to both die. Does this seem reasonable? I just feel that if I am going to be an open book and this marriage is ever going to be healthy that there don't need to be areas of our lives where the other is not welcome or unaware of.

DW - I am sure he is having a hard time trusting. My W had a short term EA about 8 weeks ago and lied about it several times and I don't really believe anything she says about it now. How can I? She totally lied through her teeth when she thought she needed to.

Other than being totally open (which she really still isn't) there isn't much she can do to make me trust her again (especially with regard to the OM). I think time is the only thing that will help here - and I hope it does.

I am sure your H is in the same boat I am. Probably not quite as bad since your EA was over a long time ago, but still - how does he really know that? How does anybody really know anything once they have been lied to? It's hard.

DW,

He wants to believe you, and for the most part does, but you have to realize he found out you hand an EA. That you are being accused of having a PA by the OMXW.

Your H has reason to question your honesty this early on, and the keylogger is his way of ensuring piece of mind.

Why not just get all your email account info? Because what stops you from opening another account he is unaware of, and keeping it secret?

The fact that you do not know about the spysoftware ensures the information he would have received is not something you would have hidden from him.

Is it sneaky, yes. Does he have the right to do this? I would say anything that gives him piece of mind, and reassures him there is nothing to worry about can only be positive to your relationship.

As for the money, sounds like you have addressed that one perfectly.

What was it that was eating at you at 3am you wanted to wake him for?

I can't blame him for the spyware and I think that things like this should be expected since you had the A.

Be patient, if they continue that's one thing, but you are still earning his trust.

Theres an old german saying:

"trust is good, control is better"

It was the money situation that had me awake at 0300. It came to mind that he might not know about it after he had fallen asleep and it took me hours to decide whether or not to wake him. I was afraid taht waiting unti lhe ruturned home from work the next day would make him think that I was intnentionally keeping it from him for some reason other than the fact that I knew he needed sleep and wanted to discuss it in person when we did.

Also, I guess hadn't even considered the thought of having any secret accounts so I couldn't think that he might have that thought. I guess what you're saying does make sense but it also says to me that he doens't mean it when he says that he knows that I have no contact with the OM and haven't for quite a long time now.
Now the NC e-mail I requested be sent to the OMXW has become a little bit of an issue. He said that he had inteded to write one anyway when I brought up the idea to him and that he would do it that day and BCC it to me. Well, a few days have passed and nothing so I mentioned it today. I found out that he thought that I may be requesting that because there could be things that She may know taht will come to light that he doesn't know about. I am at a loss with this one because ther eis no way for me to proive that I am telling the truth and know taht I will just have to wait for him to see that nothing else has happened and that I am telling the truth. I tried to explain to him that the resaon I want it is to that the clear message is sent that he has considered all of the info and has decided to circle the wagons with me and move forward with our life and that she can move on in peace knowing that while her objective of ruining my life was not reached she did cause an immeasureable amount of pain for all parties involved. I have been hoping that this is enough for her and that she will move on with her life now. I know that it is selfish of me at this point but I feel like he needs to send a clear message to those who know about our situation that it is OUR situation and that WE are the ones who will makes the decisions about our life together. I know how persuasive others opinions can be and I want to be sure that the outcome of this situation was determined by our thoughts and feelings and not the judgements or opinion or persuasions of others. Does that make any sense to any of you or am I off here? If there is an angry OMXW in the wings who wants my marriage to fail like hers has then I don't doubt that she will do and say anything and everything to make her feel like her revenge has been fully served. Even if this means pestering my H and trying to get him to commiserate with her. She obviously hasn't moved on from her past with the OM and I don't want her to keep my H from doing the same.
In the end he said that dome of the things he plans to say inthe e-mail will sort of be addressed to me (guess I'll have to see them to fully understand) and that he planned to say things to her about her XH and how he was a cheater (aside from the EA with me... He knows that the OM was also in PA's in the past). I feel like this is wrong. SHe already knows that he cheatd on her with several other women. I know this because she and I spoke about it. I am afraid that my H throwing in her face that her H did those things will anger her and make her even more determined to ruin us because she will know that we want to work it out. I tried to tell H that she knew and that they had actually separated before becauseof OMs infidelity but H said that from the impression he got she didn't know of his infidelity. I know he is thankful that she brought the A to light but why does it seem to me that he now wants to hurt her with the imperfections of her own past marriage? SHe is a very unstable and immature girl (23) and may have gone off of her anxiety and depression meds since I last saw her so I am afraid of what him saying such things to her will do. I feel like he is trying to egg this contact with her on in some way and don't understand it.

Makes perfect sense.

My EA... Was talking, and talking and talking. Him making me feel like I was beautiful and kind and wanted and needed. All things I ahd needed for some time that my husvand either just didn't do or did the exact opposite of.I'm not sure if it was mainly e-mail or phone. I can't really remember. I do remember being quite uncomfortable when around him in person and that having something to do with me realizing that I really didn't like him and what the A was really about and that I needed to NC with him and once again try to actively seek my needs being met by my H. THe EA was weird because it could have been with anyone (couldn't care less about him and wasn't even attracted to him) and it would have done the same for me. I just needed to hear those wonderful things that made me feel good and feel wanted/needed, no matter who was saying them. When I had to say those things in return because he would pressure me and pressure me to reply to his statements like "I love you" with the same it made me feel sick and guilty an uncomfortable becaseu I really didn't feel that way but he basically told me what he had to hear in return to keep him meeting my EN. Most of the time I was just trying to be polite enough to keep him saying what he said but as time progressed he needed to hear more and more since I would not make the A a physical thing.
I think that your wife is still in the stage where she can't see your side of this thing. All she knows is that she feels entitled to do whatever it takes to get her EN met and that she shouldn't have to apologize for what she feels is your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I keep telling my H that and that even though he helped create the environment that made me vulnerable to doing what I did that in the end I was the one who was weak. You could have done the same thing that she did but you didn't. Your needs weren't being met either but you didn't have an A so that proves that it wasn't her only choice. I told my H that I would sooner get a divorce (if things got that bad and he wouldn't meet my needs) than have another A. That was always and option for her. You need to ask her why she didn't exercise that option and instead decided to try to have her needs secretly met by the OM while keeping you in the picutre. You may find that she still loves you and that she never wanted out of your M but that she just gave up on trying to get you to meet her Needs. WHen I finally had the A it was partially because I truly felt that my H no longer loved me and that it didn't matter if I had an A because he wouldn't really care. He didn't take the time to talk to me or try to spend any time with me so why would he care what I did with all that free time he was forcing on me?
See the thought pattern? The WS will try to use the sad situation they have found themselves in to justify their actions. I think only time and NC with the OP can allow them the to see the truth about things and accept responsibility because the OP will always be there validating their skewed way of thinking and advocating the A. That will keep them from being able to step back and take any responsibility fot their actions.
I was not long time friends with the OM. I wokred with him at the time and we became fast friends. At first I thought he was gay (and thought "poor sad wife of his doens't know he's gay") so I laughed at the suggestion (by my H) that this man had other than honorable intentions with me. He did everything he needed to do to become my bestest bestest friend and as quickly as possible and started telling me that my H wasn't a good H and the like. Here was this person telling me things that I secretly thought so it made me feel like I must be right and that if someone outside can see this so clearly, our problems must just not matter to my H. OM used the state of my M to kind of draw me in closer and pretended to be a friend and confidant, all the while getting me to feel bad for him because his marriage was in even worse shape than mine. Oddly enough I knew that he had been unfaithful more than once in his marriage but he somehow convinced me that it was her fault because he had been begging her to meet his needs for years and she flat out refused to do so. So, the friendship went on for a few months then he started making the advances. I think I may have truly not noticed them at first then he began behaving in a way that I couldn't mistake and I kind of slipped into letting him say things that were inappropriate because it felt nice ot hear them. After that things progressed to an all out EA. I wish I had an answer for you as to why we WS let things go past that first inappropriate statement or gesture but I really can't. All I know is that when I thknk back on that time I know that I was really just not thinking. I don't remember ever thinking "oh, he shouldn't be saynig that to me, I am married" or "what would my husband say if he heard him say that" I just remmeber thinking taht it felt nice to hear nice things that it kept me from feeling so completely lonely. THen it just seemed like I woke up two months later and the events in between the first and last day were a complete blur. It's very strange to me how I can really know so little about a two month period of my life. I remember flashes of events or conversations. I remember feeling a certain way for periods of time but couldn't tell you exactly when those period were or most of what was said between us. I remember having renewed hope that I could try to learn to love my husband again in the way I do now when for a time I thought that our being in love with each other was impossible, but I don't remember exactly when that happened or why. I thought he had given up on us so that was what I was trying to do too. I wish I knew what it was that made me start to act and feel differently. I ended the A and initiated NC w/ OM before my H ever hade any effort to save our marriage or show me that he still loved me. What I do know is that because I had ended the A and was no longer under the influence of the OM I was able to ALLOW my H to make the effort and show me love when he did finally do it. If the OM was still a part of my life in any way that would have undermined my ability to do that and would have prevented it from being successful.
Bottom line. If she loves you and wants to be in a M with you she has to initiate NC with the OM> By refusing to do so she is saying taht her "friendship" with him is more important to her than you and your M. She has to make your M her first priority in her life. (I even ahve a 3 month old baby that has been put on the back burner while we work this out. Even though I know that I am in essense missing out on some of the greatest moments of motherhood in these early days because my entire focus lies elsewhere I know that it is worth it in the end because my son will have two parents who love him and each other more than anyhting and will be there for the rest of his days as a healthy and happy family.)unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make her do these things. She has to decide them for herself without much input from you. Just don't push too hard at this stage because you may push her away. Let her know that you love her and want her but also let her know that you will survive without her if she leaves and that she is the one responsible for the outcome if she makes that decision. She needs a little time and NO CONTAACT AT ALL with the OM. He's obviously now a very good friend if you have found yourselves in this situation.
Sorry I have been going on for so loing but I really wanted to answer all of our questions... One last thing... You will never feel the exact same way about your wife and she will never feel the same way for you. I believe that if you both put for th the effort and survive this you can feel more for each other than ever before. your marriage can be stronger and better than ever before. This horrible experience can have it's benefits in the end if you both let it. Best of luck. I'm here if you have any more quesitons that I may be at all able to help with...

DW - Thank you very much. That was very helpful to me in trying to figure out why this happened and what it entailed.

I think the main reason it's helpful is that it is very similar to what my W told me happened and how she was feeling while it was going on - which was only 3-4 weeks. OM was meeting some ENs that I was not meeting and had not been meeting for a very long time. I understand that and I think I understand why it happened. Your post helped me figure that out. He made her feel wanted and needed and beautiful etc. - she said he "lit up" when he was around her.

I think you are right about the "friendship" and NC, and she has agreed to it. She has said she would like to be friends with him someday, if I can ever accept that. One reason I think she says that is she keeps telling me it is not as big a deal as I have made it out to be. That her feelings were never that strong and it was over quickly. Obviously, I would like to believe that since it does make it not seem so bad. Obviously too, however, I have a hard time believing that.

Complete NC is virtually impossible at this point since we go to the same church, our kids are friends etc. I don't want to take extraordinary measures at this point, and I realize that I may be making a big mistake in that regard.

After I found out, I told her I would leave her if she talked to him again. 3 weeks later I found out she had still been talking to him. When I confronted her that time she broke down crying for the first time and said how sorry she was and that it was over between her and OM and she had no feelings for him and only had feelings for me. Her feelings for me, she said, had changed over that 3 week period because she could see how hard I was trying to meet her ENs and to change. Before that, she felt the same way you did - she wondered if I would even care about the EA since she didn't feel like I loved her anyway. Looking back over the past 15 years, I can understand how she felt that way. The only reason I didn't leave her after she talked to him again was because of specifcally what she said - said she didn't have a crush on him anymore, and she had a crush on me. She also told me about some calls I never would have known about - volunteered the information. That made me feel better too.

The last call I heard of theirs was truly nothing more than a call between friends - like me calling a buddy. Except, of course, when she told him that I had mentioned talking to his W about all this. I do think that scared him - that I was even considering it. He has not called her since then - I know that for a fact (unless she has a phone I don't know about).

On the other hand, now I am worried that she is still talking to him. It's been 5 weeks since I know she did. I am also worried that she wants to. We do argue about all this some and I think she feels controlled in that I tell her she can't talk to him. No one likes being told what to do. I think she especially doesn't like since she does not think it was as big a deal as I do. She thinks they are just friends now. She didn't care what I thought at first, that's why she kept calling him - she says she does care now and that's why she is not doing it. The problem is that I am not sure I believe her. Trust is hard.

Thanks again for your post.

DW,

You said
He may mean it but he also KNOWS that you lied to him and you were good enough to fool him. He knows he can be fooled and he does NOT trust his own instincts enough so he put the keylogger on the computer.

Now if you were smart you would ask him to reinstall it correctly on the computer. YOU WANT HIM TO CHECK AND RECHECK because if you are doing nothing wrong, it will help him gain his trust back. Be an open book, encourage him to snoop, to check, cross check, etc. This is what YOU want. If you are on the up and up, he will tire of it, and further he will soon realize your actions are matching your words.

I think he will have to figure out when and how to get rid of OM's exW.

Finally, could you put in some line breaks so that your posts are easier to read. Small paragraphs or many line breaks make reading your posts easier.

You two need to do some more reading and then make a plan for recovery. He is military right? He knows about plans and their execution. Make them detailed, go over them and over them, and then come up with one YOU BOTH can follow easily.

Think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry about the mega paragraphs and runon sentences... I tend to ramble when I am feeling a bit lost.

He decided to get rid of the OM EXW. He sent an e-mail and forwarded me a copy of it. I thought about copying it here so that other BS could try to help me unserstand a few things it says but I htink I will give him the opportunity to try to explain it to me himself, if he is able to.

The keylogger was brought up again last night when my H got home from work. He asked how I would feel about us buying the program (earlier attempt was a trial version) and installing it on th computer. I got upset. It probably wasn't right that I did, and I see that now. I told him that it hurt me that he felt he needed to do that. For a WS ther eis a certain amount of pride taken in doing the right hting and following the straight and narrow just because you want to and not because you are afraid of the consequences. I feel that if he thinks I am only being the best W I can possibly be then it almost cheapens my efforts. I don't want him to ever think that i am only trying to be perfect because I am afraid of him. I want him to know that i am trying to be perfect becaseu I love him and I want to be.
It seems like the keylogger would undermine my efforts. But, after reading what you all said about the matter I almost wish hadn't told him those things. I have suggested a few times that we get it just for his peace of mind but he has said no. I even thought about just going and buying it myself and installing it but I thkn that would be bad since he has now said that he doesn't want it.

I don't want to do anything right now that doesn't involve him so that he can see how commited I am to rebuilding our relationship and regaining his trust. He feels the same way.

Example: He managed to get off of work a little early yesterday so that he could come home and have family time. I calledd the office to tell him the outcome of some stuff he had asked me to do during the day. A coworker said that he had left for the day. This was odd because he'd only been at work for 10 hours so far and they were working 12 hour shifts this week. So, I called his cell. He told me where he was and that he was on his way home after I asked. I got really excited taht we were going to have a little extra time together today and told him I would just talk to him in a few minutes since he was on his way. Later in the evening he told me that he was about to stop at the store to grab us a botttle of my favorite wine so we could have a little romantic interlude with some wine and chocolate (MMM MMM MMM!!!) but that he didn't want to stop by the store after I called because he didn't want to be lying to me since he said he was coming straight home.

There is a dilemma here for me because he has told me that he really needs me to do things to show him that I love him right now aside from the normal stuff I do like telling him and showing him by talking care of the house, baby, meals... I want to do things like steal off to the store to buy props for grand master plans of surprise romantic evenings, drive to the base while he is at work to put lines of hershey's kisses ( I told him taht naytime he finds one that I left it there for him since I couldn't give him a real kiss at the moment) across the dash of his car for him to find on his kunch break. But, If I do these thigns, they require an element of surprise. So, if I call him to tell him I am coming ot he base it takes away from the surprise, or if He asks what O bought at the store I don't want to lie but I don't want to ruin my plans or surprising him with a romantic evening.
What do I do about this one?

I think your idea, and desire to do those little things are awesome (I'm kinda jealous actually), and if I was your H, I would fully understand your reasoning for keeping this a secret. If it came down to a Q and A about your whereabouts, you could inform him of your covert actions, your truth would be evident of the proof left behind.

Also not to worry, all this hypersensitive needing to know everything will wear off.

Also, make sure you don't melt any chocolate on the dash!

FWIW - I am jealous too. My W has never done anything like that.