well, my master plans worked fairly well yesterday...
I drove to the base after he left work while he was at school and left my "coupons" that I made for him in the car with the kisses. He called home and said thanks and that he was coming home. Buyt the time he got in full scale candlelight dinner was in place but the baby was crying so it didn't get to start off as I'd hoped. Baby calmed down after a bit and we ended up having a great evening together. We are planning to spend the day together tomorrow shopping and running errands and maybe taking a family walk. Hubby told me that he had planned on taking us to the zoo nearby but the weather became a problem as of yesterday.

Nice to know that he's trying to think of ways for us to spend time together too. THings are going well. I am so proud of him. Thanks for all of your advice. Without it things probably wouldn't be going so smoothly.

One thing... He told me that the mornings are particularly rough for him. That he wakes up feeling terrible and upset about everything and that it takes him a few hours to calm down and such. He said that talking to me throughout the day helps. So, today I got up with him and made him breakfast and sat with him and talked while he ate. I also found him some decaf cuppichino instaed of his normal pot of coffe since i think the caffiene probably doesn't help the anxiety he's havnig much. Then I tool him lunch at work and we sat and talked and hung out with the baby for the hour. This seems to have helped but I am not sure if I can do these things every day.
Any other suggestions for how to make the mornings easier for him? He seems fine by lunch time I just have to find a way to help make those first few hours of each day more bearable while he's trying to get his mind/imagination under control...

I don't think it should be an everyday thing. That would almost take away from looking forward to it. Maybe once/twice a week. I also don't think you need to go to those extremes. A note, an email, phone call with nothing more than thinking of you, etc... Should keep his reassurance up.

Could it be he wakes up agitated because of dreams? I know this was a problem for me the first few months.

He hasn't said anything about dreams but I guess it is a possibility. He said he feels lonely when he wakes up even though I am righ there. Maybe he's waking up from bad dreams and the state of mind they put him in make everything else seem so negative. I know I've had dreams about terrible things (to include him cheating) that seemed so real they left me feeling off for the better part of a day.
This weekend was great. We spent the whole weekend together. He even helped out a lot with house work I've been getting behind on during the week. He took care of the baby about half the weekend too which was a great break for me.

Everything was fabulous for both of us all weekend but when I spoke to him around noon it seemed like things were back to the way they were last week. He says it being away from me that makes him feel down and anxious. Not too much I can do aboutt that since one of us HAS to go to work. I'll just make it a point to e-mail or call him a few times a day to let him know he's on my mind.

Our anniversary is in a few days. He adsked me last week if we should celebrate it. I was surprised. I think we should celebrate it more than ever! In my eyes this wil be the most significant since this has been the most significant year in our marriage (good and bad) and we seem stronger than ever now.

He also stopped wearing his wedding ring on D-day and refuses to put it back on no matter how much I beg. Should I take the not wanting to celebrate the anniversary and refulsal to wear his ring as a sign of bad things to come?

He says that he has no doubt that we will work things out and that he loves me more than ever but the ring thing has me worried.

I hope my experience as a BH will help you. I have just one big thing to pass on. Somebody needs to say this to you in unmistakeable terms: DO NOT FORGET ANYTHING ELSE YOU NEED TO DIVULGE! Seriously. No slipups allowed, not even one.

You need to prove to him that he can trust you. Forgetting things produces mistrust. Every time you forget or 'forget' to tell him something it will definitely cost your marriage an enormous amount of pain. And if there is one or two more of these forgotten items that he feels are important, he may end the marriage. I nearly ended mine for that reason. The last time my FWW 'forgot' something, it was enough to send me to hire a D attorney.

Do not make any more mistakes. Complete, 100% open and transparent. Rack your memory, be sure you tell him everything he needs to know. Another mistake could cost you your husband.

I'm glad you are working so hard at pulling it back together. Keep up the good work.

I know what you are saying about needing to not forget things.. Problem is that I can't help it. I had some crazy neurological problems at the beginning of my relatioship with H that landed me in the hospital a few times with at least one brain hemmorage and years worth of migraines and neurological testing. There have literally been moments when I could not even remember my own name. It's been a bit embarrasing in the past few years but never caused too much of a problem, just the occasional uncomfortable moment in public. I am now terrified that it will happen at the wrong moment and that even though he knows I have no control over it he will lose it. I have told him everything I remember that may be of any relevance and as things come to me taht I didn't remember at the time I sit him down and talk to him. Damned if I do and damned if I don't in this part of the situation.

We had another talk today.
This one ended up being kind of a Q and A about things related to the A. He's doing the checking and rechecking of facts but he's not talling the truth and trying to get different answers. He asks a question once and provides me with info, then next time he asks it he accompanies it with conflicting info such as
Q: "When you went on this trip to Amsterdam with OM and FriendA What were the sleeping arrangements"
A: "It was over, nothing happened, OM showed up for the trip and came along even though I didn't want him to. I was uncomfortable around him and made it a point to never be alone around him. We all shared a triple room and nothing happened. I swear. Call FriendA and ask him."
His A: No, that's okay, I believe you. I haven't and don't ever want to talk to FriendA.
This time
Q: When you went to Amsterdam what were the sleeping arrangements? Did you and OM share a room and did FriendA have his own room?"
A: "We all shared one room. Triple occupancy room."
HIS A: WELL! THAT'S NOT WHAT FRIENDA SAID!!!
ME: "I thought you said you didnt' talk to him?"
H: "Well,..."


WTF?!?!? I have begged and begged him to call and ask anyone he wants anything he wants to check out my story but he refuses. Instead he'd rather just doubt me and think I am lying. I just don't get it.

DW - It hasn't been very long at all and he just doesn't trust you at all. If he's like me, he doesn't believe a word you say. He probably doesn't believe it was just an EA. He keeps asking because he is trying to get you to say something different - he thinks you are lying.

Hopefully it will get better someday - my W's EA dday was Feb 1 and it has really not gotten any better for me - maybe worse even.

Keep it up and do the best you can.

I agree with 193296. Please don't expect him to do anything else but check and recheck. You are working to help him trust you. Trust is built through consistent experience. Each time he asks and gets exactly the same response it builds some amount of trust.

OTOH, if he asks and gets something a little different it destroys 10 times as much trust. Even worse, each time he discovers something you could have told him but forgot or 'forgot' to tell him, it destroys 20 times as much trust.

I suggest you have infinite patience, work with him, expect to be scrutinized and cooperate 100% in the trust-building process. You're trying to do the right thing and that's great. Keep it up, work hard at it.

DW, Howzit going?

THings are going well. Our anniversary was this weekend and he had Monday off work as comp for all of the extra hours he's been putting in the past few weeks so we got to spend a fair amount of time together. Our anniversary was great and we just hung out at the house most of the rest of the time.

THe baby has pretty much started sleeping through the night ( I consider 8 hours through the night even though many say it's 12) so we've had more time to spend together in the evenings and are both getting a little more sleep ( more sleep = better moods).

THe A actually hasn't really been a topic of converstaion much for the past week. Is this okay? I think we are just both tired of talking about it and it seems to put a little distance between us when it is brought up so we just avoid it. We are just trying hard to make each other happy and feel as loved as possible. I feel like we are best friends again after such a long time of having lost that.

I do have one problem. I have weird dreams every night and it is effecting my sleep. I almost never thought of OM at all until D-day but now he haunts me in my dreams. I feel sick every time I wake up. In my dreams he's usually chasing me around or trying to talk to me and I just keep running and running and telling him to leave me the heck alone, then I wake up. Is this weird? I hadn't thought of him for so long and now, after things are settling down I start having these nightmares... seems strange to me.
I just wish I could erase him from the world and any memory. Any thought of him just makes me feel so sick.

Sounds like hubby is most likely settling in with the information he has received, but know he is still thinking about it on a regular basis. He will probably still have questions or concerns, but they will continue to taper off.

I would suspect because the NC is so important to both of you. That breaking it would be such a downfall, your subconscious is getting the better of you at night.

I know shortly after D-day, my W woke from nightmares all the time. She would tell me it was a bad dream, that some "thing" was chasing her, but I suspect it was a direct result of all that had gone on. But just like everything else that ended also.