Hello,

MY Wh has decided to move out and tell the kids about the divorce today. I dont know how to intervein or should I say anything at all? This isnt my choice or how I want things but WH is so lost in OW that I see no end. Im so afraid of how ll they react or what should I say/do .

PLEASE HELP ME

First of all, I went through the same situation that you are in. I read up on your other posts. Was pregnant with baby when H got involved with OW, then denied the baby was his. Blah blah blah. We are getting a D, I have hinted around to my oldest who is three that he will be getting a new home. That he'll have two homes, one for him, daddy and little bro. And one for him, mommy and little bro. But he still doesn't understand. We are still living together at the present, mediation for D is May 24 and D will be final approx one wk after if we can come to an agreement.

Now, why is your H the one to tell your children? I think that BOTH of you should be telling your children together. So, yes, you need to intervene and take part in this conversation. These are your children too.

Do you still want to work on your M? Have you sat down and talked to your H and asked him to work on it? Did you go see your dr. about getting on some meds?

I read in one of your other posts that evidently you hadn't talked about support, paying the bills...so on and so on. Did you ever do that? When will the D be final? What's the plan?

sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a little more info.

I'm sorry that you are here. I'll help you if I can, but I am a good listener.

I'm sorry that you have to be here. Maybe we can say something that will help, but more likely we will be able to listen and be sympathetic.

How old are your kids?

Thanks Tired41,

Children are 7yr, 5yr, and 2wks old. WH is going to pay all the house bills until I leave out of state. So thats more than child support.
Divorce was filed on March 1, so final 6 mos from that Sept of 06.

We have talked about it and he says its no use. he loves me but not enough to be faithful to me, that I deserve better. He made it clear he is not going to change his ways.

He has been diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder by the VA and has been on his meds for 2 wks now. I was hoping it would shed some light on the situation. Meds for me, I feel like I need them sometimes but at other times, I feel glad to get this over with. I've been dealt with alot these past few yrs, with his deployment the affair. I believe he isnt willing to put any effort in making us work. He said if he'd try it would just be for the kids. He enjoys being with me cause Ive made it comfortable to be with . He "fell out of love" .

I know I need to be there when he tells them but what should I say, that Im not okay with the seperation or just go with his decision. I didnt give up on us, not entirely, I want to make that clear. Im just confused

Someday, once again I am sorry.

At their ages, I don't think that I would get into too much of the reasons. It is important that you be there to support them and to let them know that they are not the cause of this, that they are very much loved by both of you, that everything is going to be ok, and that they will still get to see each of you. I know that this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but you must be strong and not show the children how bad you are hurting. When they are old enough to understand this, then you can tell them the truth.

I hate that your H feels this way. He does not even have a clue as to what love is, if he says that he loves you but can't be faithful. He loves him, not you.

Ive come to realize that everything I have done for him my famly to be one was worth it. I feel like I tried as much as I could and in the end it was his decision, to look at everything that we've gone thru, done, etc and he still feels that , that isnt enough? Then Im better off with my kids and move on, right? Yes I do beleive he is selfish.
One question, I know it is good for the parents to resume a friendship for the kids but to what extent? I mean it was funny to see my WH pack his clothes and has the nerve to ask, will you still do my laundry?

Someday, I know that feeling very well. I was very good to my STBXW. We never fought or argued, I told her every day, for 6 1/2 years, that I loved her, how beautiful she was, and how lucky I was to be with her. I really believed it too. I bought her everything that she wanted, even saving my pocket change throughout the year so I could get her something special for Christmas or birthdays. I asked her periodically if everything was going well with us, and if I could improve as a husband. She always said we were doing fine and I was a great husband.

In Sep. 05, I found an email where she swore her love to a 26 year old kid. My love wasn't enough for her anymore. I had suspected earlier, but she always lied to me and I wanted to believe her so badly. But the lying came to an end, and I saw her for what she really was, a liar and a cheater. She tried to tell me she never loved me, and that she had never been happy, but I think that was a lie also.

I know I tried hard, like you did. But selfishness overcame our love. It is tragic. Someday they will know the extent of what they have done.

There was a quote on this site at one time, and I will try to remember it and paraphrase it for you.
"Infidelity may or may not indicate problems in a marriage, but it ALWAYS indicates unreliability and selfishness in the one who commits it."

Something like that anyway. The point is, no matter what we have done in our M's, we did not cheat, not did we force anyone else to cheat. That was their decision, and it is based on selfishness and lies.