**cusses up a storm** OMG I just wrote a post and it dissapeared when I tried to post it ** cusses some more** ** throws some stuff** breathe....

Ok guess I will try this again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Well basically it has been well over three months since D-day and I feel like I'm not coping with this any better. The distance between us makes it feel like things are just on hold until I graduate and with this whole thing I just can't handle it any more.

First, BF took me on a surprise cruise for spring break and it was awesome. Neither of us had been on a cruise before and we went to places that neither of us had been. I had a great time but somehow after we got home the last two days I was angry, sad and depressed. Probably partly because I had to leave. But I kept asking myself, how could I be upset after this? BF was really sad because he spent a lot of time planning this trip and money and worked really hard to make it perfect for me to show me that things will be ok. And I don't know how I could manage to be upset.

One thing that happened was that on the way down we had to drive through a city that I have never been to. It is the city that BF lived in when A happened. So, that is the only meaning it holds for me. She slept with him in his apt in that city. An apt I have never seen in a city I've never been to (yet another thing she has that I don't). It kills me that she has so much more than me (first kid, etc) AND everything that I had (all of the sexual acts and things we did together he did with her). On the way back he drove hundreds of miles out of the way to avoid the city so I wouldn't get upset again.

I am thinking of taking a year off from school because I am so depressed and not doing well emotionally/mentally. I am not doing well in school and I have a hard time making myself care about it. This school is VERY expensive and I feel that I have no business being here if I can't get the most out of it as is possible. I don't know what I would do if I took a year off though. I just feel like our relationship isn't moving forward and neither is my career. Also, I went directly from undergrad to grad with no break at all (went to summer school). So I am just exhausted. On the other hand, it is just one more year. At this point I just don't feel like I could handle it with all of this going on.

I have so much anger and hate inside of me and it is consuming my entire life and I don't know what to do about ti. I have never been like this before. Sometimes when I am with BF I look at him with pure hate in my eyes...like I wish he would just die right there in front of me. And then later I'm like OMG what the ******? I love him so much. I have NEVER had "mood swings" like this and I just feel like such a terrible person for having these thoughts. I also have awful thoughts about wanting OW to die or lose the kid. I feel like something must be seriously wrong with me.

I feel like I should be coping with this situation a little bit better but I'm not. I feel completely disoriented. I have no direction any more. I don't know what I want or where I want to be and I feel like every possibility is the wrong one. Also, a girl in my program (entire program is only 10 people) found out she is pregnant and now everyone is talking about it all the time and it's really hard for me to handle. I keep feeling like I want to get pregnant so OW doesn't have something so special with BF that I don't have.

I feel all of this pressure...I don't feel like anything is because I want to any more. I feel like I have to have sex with BF to keep him happy or something and I have to get pregnant (eventually) which I never wanted because otherwise she'll have something I don't have. And of course then I always come to the conclusion it is all his fault and everything would be FINE if he could have kept his you know what, you know where!

Is something wrong with me? Is this normal? Please help! (Sorry this was so long) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

WWR,

This is all SOOOOOO normal. you are not a freak. i promise you! It is not called a roller coaster for nothing you know.

i only have a few minutes here but i will post more later.
Hang in there.

love

Carolyn

It is normal.
Do you have a counselor?
That would make a difference in the way you feel.

I had a counselor for a whole year, every week after D-Day.
It takes time to recover ... couples recovery, individual recovery.

YES!!! you are normal for the abnormal situation you are in...

I too, feel like my life has been put on hold. Before I found out my H's A, I was a very career driven person working on my grad degree. I could have finished it by May and currently I could care less. I have two classes to finish but I just couldn't this year. Hopefully next year.

Don't ever do anything (have sex) to keep BF happy. And definately don't have a baby for any other reason other than because you WANT one.

Tomorrow will be a better day...

Oh my goodness, it is soooo normal...I sometimes still go through it...it has been about 9 months since DDay for me...counseling would be excellent...and talking your feelings through can help too.

You are not alone.

"and this too shall pass"

Hi everyone,

Well I just looked over my post again and first I'd like to say to those of you who responded, thank you for suffering through reading my crazy post...boy that was LONG.

Anyway,

I'm glad to know I am not crazy. I do have a counselor but I think I need to switch. I think that moving back with him would be helpful because we could go back to couples counselling and that was helping a lot. I just don't want to feel like I'm giving up my dream. I worked SOOOO hard to get here and now I feel like I'm letting him ruin it. I hope I will be strong enough to go back to school the year after.

Thanks for listening and making me feel normal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />