Last night my FWW and I had a nice long talk about things. We stayed up chatting until way past 3 am. It was a nice talk and I enjoyed learning some new things about her.

One thing she said struck me and I had not really thought of it before. More or less she said she was not having difficulty in letting go of the OM, but she was having a hard time of letting go of the idea of an OM.

Did any other FWS feel this way? What did your do about it?

I'll bite on this one..

I've learned and, most importantly, so has my FWH that so much of the THRILL AND/OR THE ECSTACY of the A was not the OW but the ROMANTIC ASPECTS of it.. ROMANCE with ME tops what occurred during the A..

I don't know how far along you are in RECOVERY but build LOTS OF ROMANCE into your DAY TO DAY LIFE TOGETHER...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

That is a good sign. Your wife is processing the events in her life and the choices she has made. She is realizing OM was not her "soulmate" and that he could have been anybody. He was not special. She is looking into herself and asking herself important questions and allowing you to be there sharing in these intimate moments.

Further, by sharing these intimate thoughts she may or will eventually garner what is "special" in her life. She will perhaps glean that you are in fact her "soulmate" and God's perfect gift for her. That is my hope.

You've had a long hard journey my friend, I wish you and Margie all the best.

Mr. Wondering

For me, it was how I felt about myself when I was with OM, not how I felt about him. He was someone I cared about, but really, I was using him to get my needs met. All along, my heart belonged to my H and he was the one I loved and wanted meeting my ENs (I had not felt he loved me for some time. Turns out, he was feeling the same. We loved each other, but pain and resentment got in the way, and when we did not get our needs met, we felt the other did not love us anymore. Turns out we did, we just were not showing it in a way the other needed it.)

Now, I realize that I based all of my happiness on what H or OM was/was not doing. Everything I felt was reactionary and I placed too high of a burden on my H for my own happiness. Now, I base it on what I am doing and my happiness comes from me. So, I do not need WH or OM, or anyone, to make me feel good.

Hi rprynne,

Yes, I felt exactly the same way as MT described. Still do to some degree.

I think Mr. Wondering has it exactly right. And I'm not sure there's anything to be "done" about it. Except give it time.

But I would actually caution against pushing the romance. If I remember correctly, MT has said she loves you but doesn't have romantic feelings for you, right? If so, pushing too much romance too soon, IMO, could backfire.
Instead, I'd look for fun and exciting things to do together.

--SC

That's the kind of ROMANCE that I was speaking of.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the insights and encouragement.

I'll keep plugging along.

SC you are right my FWW and I not ready for romance, but I do try to keep things fun and exciting.

Improving,

You could be my W. She described her A almost exactly as you did.

Plank.

wow, rprynne, interesting question...I am still very early in the process, but I think some of it may depend upon how long a M couple has allowed themselves to stop meeting the others' needs. My H and I had not been connecting for a long number of years, until I had stopped even trying to make that request of my H (which, incidentally, was quite foolish on my part). So, the OM began meeting those needs...such as, I'm a real conversationalist; my H had all but quit talking with me, and the OM and I clicked mightily on that level. So, because I made the choice to love and to let the OM meet those needs for a long time, I am struggling with missing him. BUT......I believe if I invest even more effort into interacting with and loving my H, it will be better than it was with OM. Hang in there...