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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 19
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 19 |
It finally hit me this morning. I moved most of my stuff out of the house that I own yesterday and moved in with 2 people that I don't know that were looking for a roommate. I woke up this morning on the floor because I don't have a bed there yet and it hit me I am no longer with my wife and this is killing me. It killing me with the thought that she is even now more completely enabled to see other people and that those people could be around my kids. I feel so helpless and depressed and don't even enjoy a minute out of the day unless i'm seeing my kids and even then she is there so I think about that alot while i'm there too. I'm not a religous person but I have really been thinking about joining a church for the support and something positive in my life. I have been thinking that maybe I need to join a gym. I just feel so down that I don't want to do anything except sit and cry. I never cheated or beat her but I didn't treat her like she was someone that I couldn't live with out and now i've paid the ultimate price for that. She asked me for the longest time to go to therapy and get my problems worked out and really use therapy to my advantage. But I never did I went to therapy but I never felt like I could really open up and get my problems resloved. I have screwed up more than I can ever imagine. I want my old life back more than anything but I will never have that. I would have to say I have been writing a lot more and really been wanting to play music because i'm so depressed and have a lot more emotions I can get out.
Even though I get these feelings to do these things i'm so depressed that I just don't have the motivation. I can't stand looking at myself or waking up. I truly hate my life. Career wise is an alltime high for me right now making more money than I ever have but my personal life has hit rock bottom. It scares me to think of my kids ever calling someone else dad even though i'm actively in their life.
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,199
Member
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Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,199 |
Copying my prior post to you "You've admitted to alcohol problems. Have you done anything about this? This addiction brings depression which carried through your initial post. You cannot recover your M, if you are not recovered. Without help (and/or personal change), you will be the same person your wife didn't want at home.
What are you willing to do to become a better person? Is alcohol really more important to you than your family? It's your decision. AA is a good resource. And alanon for your wife. "
So, have you sought help?
It was a marriage that never really started. H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03. My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9 *Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 19
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 19 |
I have seeked help and have gone to AA and continue to do so. I get there as much as I can unfortunately I don't get there a lot I work 2 jobs 7 days a week about 70-80 hours a week. Most all of the time around where I live by the time i'm out of work all of the AA meetings are either over or close to being over. I'm not trying to use that as an excuse but right now i'm doing a lot of focusing on my career because I have lost my wife and technically lost my children with only seeing them every couple of days for 20 minutes at a time. I need to secure my future as well as my chilrens future right now and me working and moving up as i'm doing is the only way to do that.
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Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,199
Member
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Member
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 4,199 |
I'm glad you answered. AA is important to where you are now. You could hit bottom with this, and AA can be there for you. I was told daily meetings are important if you really want to quit. If you can't make a meeting, there's always someone to call. Someone in AA ready to help you. I firmly believe that ifyou don't help yourself, you can't help your family. I was told that you are the emotional age of whenever the addiction started. I now look at my X as a 17 YO, that is his maturity level and only he has the power to grow beyond that (if he chooses). This month we celebrate 2 years sober for a coworker who lost his marriage due to Alcoholism. He tried MB at the end, but until he got help with the A, he couldn't do anything else. His relationship with is kids is fantastic, and recovery is the best route for everyone.
It was a marriage that never really started. H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03. My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9 *Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 3 |
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds as if you might be experiencing some degree of clinical depression and I urge you to seek evaluation for this from your doctor, local ER or county mental health clinic. If you can stabilize your emotions through counseling or perhaps even medication, if that is what a physician determines you need, then you will be in a better frame of mind to work on your relationship with your wife. Good luck.
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