WW's main focus right now is facing her past... her problems with her parents, the pain they caused... her brother's death, etc. She says she needs to face all of this before she can deal with what she did
to me (the affair), and regret to be sorry she hurt me. WW says she knows the pain I'm going through because of the pain her parents caused... the verbal abuse etc.

To me it's just her attempt to find a valid reason for her having the affair. I don't think her past has anything to do with us... maybe I'm wrong.

I see her being selfish---she is so focused on her
"personal strugles" witht the past. She doesn't se how she neglected me or us too. or does she? I don't know.
In a way it's like she manipulating the mess she caused into "poor me, my past, is why I'm the way I am."

I just want to tell her to own her mistakes...
Sould I be more caring twards her side.?

No, you don't. You are too support her as she processes and proceeds to slowly realize the mistakes she made herself. This progress is measured in MONTHS. Occasionally, there are light bulbs moments but more often than not just gradually changes of attitude. You will know when it is right.

I will advise you to hold off "foregiving" her until she is truly repentant. IMO, you should work towards "acceptance" first as until she acknowledges and fully takes individual responsibility for her choices than she is not yet repentant and not yet "forgiveable".



Yes, you should be. Empathy. It is, in the long run, a lot more difficult to be the WS in a recovered marriage than a BS. Your wife has been made an unhealthy choice in her life and is seeking individual counseling to determine the underlying reasons she is susceptible to such mistakes. That is progress in and of itself. As hard as this is, support her....you are on her team and taking your wife's side in the most important thing you can do right now. Let others teach her.

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Her reasonsing isn't sane nor valid. But it is reflective of her current state of mind which BTW can change from minute to minute.

U learn t/b the stable one here. Let her know if she's got 'reasons', SHE needs to deal with them. Then periodically ask HOW she is dealing with them. Don't offer suggestions unless she asks.

She is trying to set you up t/b her next 'reason' (aka: excuse). Don't allow it.

L.

I have a different take than Orchids...just a possibility from my own experience...

I had to come at my guilt and shame sideways...though I had a different circumstance in coming out of the fog, I wasn't looking for reasons why I was allowed to have As...I was looking for the reasons why I gave myself permission to choose an affair.

There were a lot, most of them twisted, distorted beliefs, overlapping with good beliefs, in conflict. Easier to look at that mess and run from it.

There's a lot inside your WW. She most likely didn't know she had choices...might believe others made her do, feel and believe things...didn't know love is a choice...didn't understand that she abused as much as she was abused...thought she should live by her feelings, thinking everyone else did...now she'll learn a better way.

Time, attention will tell you what she learns and how she'll use it. You could have a really amazing woman come through this who knows she's whole...you don't have to fill her up. She may begin loving you in ways that are rich and full, with respect and honor, because she found out she was worth giving that to herself...and you may have a grateful, aware wife in your arms whom you can learn to trust with your whole heart, with conscious reasons and demonstrated faith.

Or not.

Gradual...painful, so painful...to realize all that unnecessary destruction in my wake...and then to own it by understanding it, and know it was the only way to get here from there.

Grow with her, if you are willing...find out pre-A where you were inside, how much you expect of her to complete you, not just heal you...this may ease the impatience for this amazing woman to arrive right away.

Or not.

LA

Thanks for all the advice... it makes sense.

The theme this week is this: Word is quickly spreading around WW's (she's a teacher) school about her affair. Teachers know and maybe students. WW has been confronted twice in the past three days about it. WW is
obsessed with finding out who told who and if OM (was told to resign) is trying to get back at her... I don't know. My thoughts on this, and what I told WW, is that she should let it go. Focus on school and teaching, and if she has issues talk to the principal. I'm supporting her through her stress and pain that she has now... I hate to see her so upset. I told her that I was standing by her side. I'm being careful though.... to let her own the ramifications of her mistakes...

She told me this a few days ago:

I am extremely glad that you are by my side and helping me through all
of this. I am glad that you stood up to me and did not give up on me or
our problems.


I guess you would say things are better. We have a long road ahead of us---I get that. But this lonely feeling I have inside is not going away. Sex sucks! Especially not getting it. I feel like it would help me get over things... maybe it wouldn't. My resentment and anger comes in waves about the affair.... I thought I was getting close to acceptance. Maybe I'm not.

Hey, PD...

You're not crazy or alone. The acceptance you're talking about...maybe explain it more?

You accept your WW had the A, or not?

What part of that reality are you not accepting?

SF makes sense...does it signify her accepting you when you have it? So not having it feels like rejection? More rejection?

Seperate what you're feeling...find out if it is resentment or anger. Anger is healthy, reasonable...pay attention to it. She crossed your boundaries, failed your expectations and anger is a signal to you. Stay present and know if new anger is signalling that she is continuing to cross your boundaries, or if she's failing your expectations...and find out what expectations those are now, in your present, and if they are reasonable.

In your corner...

LA

PD...

Just wanted to chime in here and say that I know that this is really, really tough...so very hard on you...However, if you can bare with her a bit, showing her love, acceptance, and support...it will allow both of you to recover faster...

To show you a little about what I mean, I'm going to provide a link for you to a recent post of mine where I answered the question of what enabled our recovery to be so speedy... Recovery Path of The Wonderings

Now, I do realize that we all process things differently, so you will have to do what your comfort level allows you to do...but I want you to understand that it was Mr. W's actions and attitudes that allowed for my personal progress to be quicker...which ultimately has led to an excelleration of our marital recovery...

You and your wife are 2 halves of the same whole, and you must work this process in tandem...Hope this helps a bit...


Take Care,


Mrs. Wondering


***On that thread, you will also find links to my initial very foggy posts here...if you choose to read those, you will see just how far we've come...and to be honest, those old posts, though they are bad, they don't begin to give a picture of just how horrible that I really was back then...we are light years away from that now...press on PD...