Hi everyone,

This is my first thread. MB has been my counsel in helping me through this difficult time in my life.

My WH had a nearly 2 year A. D-day, 2/1/06. Married nearly 3 years. WH confessed because OW threatened him she would come over to our home and tell me herself or worse. OW lives and hour away. Out of anger, betrayal, hurt and every emotions that come out that very moment, I kicked him out that night. I didn't know what else to do or how to cope. It was instinctive. But before I did that, I called his only friend and exposed his affair and that my WH is going to need a place to stay. The next day, I exposed his A to his family. Don't know OW family, no address.

With all the confusion and pain, I thought maybe the only reason why WH was confessing his A is if the OW was pregnant. I asked him, he said "he didn't think so." So I had every reason to not believe him. Called OW the next day after finding phone records. She was not. But, amazing she confessed that her ex-husband of ten years cheated on her. So I asked, if that is the case, why would you turn around and do the same and do it with another woman's husband? She tried to justify how different her case was. I kept my composure and dignity the entire time. My guess is that her ex-WH left her for the OW and married her. So now, she figured, my WH would soon marry her too.

On Valentine's Day, I offered my forgiveness as a gift to show my commitment to our M. We started to see each other more, 2-3 times a week and it was not to discuss D. We shared some of the best intimate moments, better than when we were married. But we've also had discussions about his A that sometimes left us frustrated. I asked him to cut off ties with OW, but he said he needed to do that in his own and time but indicated that he hasn't seen her. My gut feeling told me he was lying. And he was.

Thinking that we were trying our best to reconnect which we have,I called the OW early this month and told her that I wasn't giving up on my H, my H is not giving up on me and that we weren't giving up on our marriage and that she needed to figure out what to do with her life. Then, of course, this is when we started to compare notes on times and dates that WH spent with each of us. Confronted WH, no remorse, not sorry, was shocked, and denial, typical alien abduction personality.

After that, he still came over, we spent time together and went out on dates. Tried my best to not do LB. But we've had moments when hurt got in the way. He still wasn't ready to give up OW. Suggested he check MB to help us. He did, but he also sent OW the MB on "Lover's perspective." I was upset because MB is meant for married couples and told him so. I asked him; "Who are you married to?" Him: "hmmm..." no response.

WH left for out of state business trip on 3/20/06 for 1-1/2 week. Emailed plan B on 3/19, with copy to his parents. WH has seen a MC twice before he left. MC said he lost himself and need to do some soul searching and find himself so that he can figure out why he had the A. He couldn't implement that because we saw each other a lot. But in order to do this, MC said, he needed to cut off all contacts "outside forces" as he termed it, including his family. Has anyone every had this experience where their WS was advised to take time off from everyone to find themselves?

Of course, he had to mention that the OW is very supportive and willing to wait no matter how long it takes. I'm sure the OW is giving him what he needs to hear, that she'll wait however long it will take him to decide. While I, on the other hand is barely hanging on a thread putting on a brave face. He swore on his mother's life (ill with cancer) that the OW would not be there with him. But, I also have my doubts since he's lied so many times. Could any WH/WW be capable to sell their soul to the devil by swearing on their parents' lives for their own selfishness? It's unimaginable.

His response to my plan b? "I understand." In the mean time, I'm trying to figure out my next move on how to go beyond this nightmare. Thanks for any input.

Do I understand correctly that you were only married a year before he started having an affair? That's pretty damn quick.

How was the marriage for the first year before the OW came into the picture?

I'm so sorry that you are agoing through this. All I can say it that it does get easier, regardless of how things turn out.

The OW sounds like a manipulative and off-balance person, I doubt your H would last long if he ended up with her. Of course he can't see things this way. It's amazing how blind and A makes a person, sometimes their mental image of their affair partner is nowhere near reality.

Plan B sounds like a great idea, I'm glad your on your way. Work on yourself, stay protected and away from his destructive behaviours. Reconnect with old friends and family, you'll be suprised how good you feel after a while.

"Could any WH/WW be capable to sell their soul to the devil by swearing on their parents' lives for their own selfishness? It's unimaginable."

Oh, they do it all of the time. It is just part of acting like the addict that most of them are.

Sundog,

Thanks for replying.

Yes, we were married less than a year when he started his A.

We've had issues before we got married. Went to see 2 MC, both referred to H by his buddy (married, church-going, youth minister) whom he's been staying with. The issues we had were his inability, unwillingness or lack of respect, courtesy for our R or M. Both MC counseled him that he would have needed to make changes (ie, following through, like calling when you say you would) anyway regardless who he was with, married or not. WH felt he was being ganged up on by the first MC and me (before we got married). So his buddy gave him another referral, thre MCs to choose from which included a male MC. H picked a Female MC whom we started seeing a little over a year ago. Second MC told him the same thing as the first MC. So WH no longer felt we needed to see counselor. I thought things were okay because he has made efforts and I acknowledged them.

WH felt that he was always the one needed to make a change and that making those changes made him feel like he was giving up something of himself. H went to great lengths of telling his friends and family how miserable he was in our marriage, yet all that time he was living a double life.

OW has two children, two girls in their teens. According to WH, OW asked her kids how would they feel if my WH moved in with them as a "family" even though he is still married? What woman will do this to her kids? WH admitted OW was "stupid." Boy, maybe they do truly deserve each other.

I don't know what's going to happen and if plan b works. But I know the alternative would be a divorce.

I am hanging in there. It's tough, but I've got no other choice.

Oh, by the way, I found my WH's email password the night I kicked him out. Besides calling me a "vampire sucking the blood out of the man she loves",the OW gave my WH an ultimatum to leave me by 6/30/05 no later by showing her proofs like divorce papers that he is single and that she wouldn't expect anything else! Yet we went on to buy a house the following month. Yep! What a quality woman WH hooked up with.

For a month, I read their emails to each other, mostly the OW professing how miserable she is that WH has not yet to divorce me for her.

Emailed OW what I thought of her in a respecful manner. The point I wanted to make was that: "if my husband truly loved you and wanted to be with you, why did he not leave me for you during our marriage? And since he had been kicked out, where is he now? He is still not with you, is he?" He still hasn't moved in with her to fulfill her delusional fantasy.

Read her email to WH. It hit her where I wanted to hit her, the truth! Of course, WH has since changed his email.

Man. That's tough. I feel for you.

It's time to talk to yourself and see if this is really a man you want to spend your life with. I know... easier said than done. But at this point you have no children (correct?) and you have a history of him always being selfish and unattentive to your relationship. You are young enough (I assume) to still start again with a great man who loves you and cares for you.

I'm not trying to convince you to end it, but I do want you to see there is still happiness awaiting if he continues his current course.

Spouses that are having an affair will say their current marriage is horrible. They'll say it to themselves, to their lovers, and even to their friends and family sometimes. My wife did the same thing. I'd work on 10 things in the house during her affair, but if I missed one thing, she'd tell her mother how I ignored that detail. They are basically trying to justify their behaviour.

Plan B is your safe place now. He can't touch you (unless you let him) and cause you more pain. You are no longer around for him to blame all his anger and frustration on, and he will have to look in upon himself for those sources. You are doing well. Post here as often as you like and we'll all help you along.

Good luck.

I guess there's a part of me that wants to believe he has an ounce of conscience left that he would not dare gamble his mother's life who is ill with cancer just to protect him and his A. But I guess, he's lied all along along and yeah, he might be willing to sell his soul to the devil.

Star,

When you had the email password, did OW ever forward stuff to him, like in a mass email, with a lot of addresses of friends and family?

Exposing to those people, even via email, might be something to consider.

Sorry for your pain.

LA

Thanks sundog. Appreciate your feedback and sharing your experience. I too, am sorry for what you had to go through with your WW. It sounds as if you have rebounded quite well. Are you two still married?

We have no children. Tried to do the IVF two years ago, about the time H started his A. Started to look into adoption. Then out of the blue, WH gave excuses why starting a family at that time when we were having issues was not a good idea. Now, we know why. He was too busy living a double life.

Hardest part like all BS, is coping on a daily basis. But I know that every day will get easier even when it feels like eternity. The second hardest part is that I've been off work on a work injury for over a year, though expect to return soon within a month or two, makes the day even slower to pass. WH was not even around to help out after the surgery, but I called in sick to help care for him when he hurt his back. Although I talk to my family daily, it's still tough because they are out of state.

Yes, been serioulsy thinking whether or not I could ever trust him again, let alone spend the rest of my life with someone like him. I realize that's easier said than done. It's hard to just stop loving someone whom you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with. But at the same time, do I want to live my life waiting for him to come around and when he does, do I want to spend every day wondering if I happen to say or do the right thing that's not going to cause him to cheat again.

I've always considered myself a pretty strong person. But I've allowed his A and behavior to affect me emotionally and physically to the point that I've nearly come twice to a nervous breakdown (never had that before) that I had to beg my doctor to give me AD pills. Lost 15 pounds in a month. WH goes to my Doc and knows of A because I broke down when I went in to get tested for STD. Thank God, Doc talked me out of A/D. He convinced me to ride it out because what I was going through was temporary and recommended I seek counseling.

My counselor, a motherly figure gave me the same advise you are giving in question format. Although she is not pro-marriage when it comes to infidelity I took her advise seriously. I only saw her twice because it was pointless to go back. But she recommende I read, "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY", by Susan Jeffers, PhD, which I highly recommend to all. It's about turning our fears, indecision, and anger into power, action and love. I can honestly say that it openned up my eyes by allwoing me to look at myself from within giving me strength to move on with or without WH. It helped me redirect my self-pity or victim mentality that we BS often feel after A towards something positive.

I know I'll be okay. One step at a time.

Hi L/A,

Thanks for your reply.

Just a few. Had I thought about it, I might've done it. I just implemented plan B several days ago. And if I do what you are suggesting, do you have any suggestions on how I would format a letter to expose the A? Also would this jeapardize plan B?

Star

From what you stated above, you have already done your exposure. How are the recipients of the info treating you? Are they supporting you?

As for the OW, know that she is toxic and nothing sane will help her.

As for the WS, he is rabid right now and will not listen to reason. So don't.

Instead, plan A your spouse (when he acts like it) but plan B the WS (when he acts like it). Not just words watch his actions. You may find they often don't match. That is an indicator of a WS.

For you, please do some additional reading: Surviving an Affair, His Needs/Her Needs (both by Harley) and Love must be tough (by Dobson). Add these to what you have already read and you will do good. If you like, you can call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling. In addition to working with your MC, Steve will help you come up with a plan tailored for you.

Remember these plans are NOT for the WS. They are for you. They are not meant to end the A, just help you through it and kicking the crap out of the A. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It is vital you get strong and stay that way.

BTW, don't write off all men. For all the bad you have experienced, there are a lot of good guys out there. Take a look at MB alone and see the faithful H's struggling with their WSW's.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid:

Thanks for your reply.

You asked: From what you stated above, you have already done your exposure. How are the recipients of the info treating you? Are they supporting you?

Answer: WH family and friends were shocked and disappointed, especially H's parents. They never imagined that H was capable of such. Between the three kids, WH's parents thought H was always the ideal son who would make them proud. WH's mother didn't believe me at first when I called her up the following day of D-day. H went to see her several days later and cofessed. His mother, ill with cancer, suffered an allergic reaction to one of her medicated as a result of the news which triggered it. I called her to apologize when I heard it. She said, it wasn't my fault and that she was going to hear about it anyway. For that I felt bad.

WH went to great lengths to portray me as this controlling, manipulative b***h in order to justify his plan to leave the marriage "quietly" so that he can waltz right into the OW without anyone knowing that he had been cheating on his marriage.

WH's family are emotionally strained from one another. They do not deal with conflicts as they happen. The sweep them under the rug and hope the problems will solve themselves with time. They also have trouble being told the truth. If each of them (sibblings) have an argument, they won't talk to each other for weeks.

My family on the other are very close, and we have no problems telling it like it is and still love each other seconds later. WH's family only gets together on national holidays only if everyone is talking to each other and they must have advance notice for any get togethers. My family will just call each other up whenever and go from there. I have tried to instill my family upbringing into theirs with the hope of bringing them closer with each other by having family get togethers in our home. This worked for a little while, but it got to the point that his family would get into heated debates about anything and everything where it became a contest of who could outtalk the other the loudest and my WH and I ended up just looking at each other across the table.

WH's step-mother has been a wonderful support. WH's sister hasn't called (not surprised). We used to talk until I confronted her about lying and just being honest. WH's mother only called twice since D-day in the beginning. She's ill with cancer. Called her 2-3 times to see how she's doing. Said she'd call back, but doesn't. WH's brother
although has potentials, is labeled by the family as a liar came over once (a month ago)to apologize for all the lies his brother (my WH) told him about me. Haven't heard from him since (don't expect to). He and I had a fall out a year ago when he asked me for my honest opinion. He didn't like the answer so he hung up on me, then he apologized a year later.

So, I'm sure that his family and friends would rather see him divorce from me. This is also where my friends and family differ from his. My friends and family has not dole up such a generous advise as to divorce as his has done. Rather, they have said (including WH's step-mom),"we know what you are going through is tough, but whatever you two decide, we love you and will support you".

Anyway, sorry for length. Thanks for you input and I will continue to grow stronger. I know that there are men and women out there who ARE capable of being faithful. I won't let one man destroy that faith.

Thanks again.