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Tear... tu esposo esta muy joven,muy enojado por lo que hicistes. Yo se que se le va a pasar. Pero tu tienes que tener mucha paciencia con el. Tear...ponte en la posicion de tu esposo, trata de imaginar, que encuentras correos electronicos de el con otra mujer, y que esa mujer le dice frases carinosas, de amor. Como te sentirias, como reaccionarias? Lo perdonarias rapidamente, o se te haria dificil?? MI esposo siempre me a tratado ensenar, que una SIEMPRE!! debe ponerse en la posicion de la otra persona. Tratar de sentir" lo que la otra piensa o siente.

Es muy dificil para un hombre, y mas que nada un mejicano machista sobreponerse a eso!!

Myrta

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Cuánto tiempo? cuánto tiempo debo tolerar y ser paciente? él solo se encierra en otro cuarto de la casa, no come nada de lo que hay en casa, sale a comprar su comida...
Hay mucha tensión y le digo que hasta nuestra mascota le tocó su ira... me molesta la gente que abusa de los más débiles... y aunque sea un animal... es cachorro y también siente...

No sé a veces creo que quizá por más que yo quiera, su ego y orgullo es demasiado... y si no quiere ayuda... los problemas seguirán...

Se molestó porque le dije que si se volvía alcoholico, yo no viviría con él... de niña viví el alcoholismo de mi padre, no quiero vivir eso otra vez... y menos que mi hija lo viva..

No sé,

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I am in the opposite situation. I would be like your husband. I discovered my wife having an EA with another person were plans were initiated by her to have a PA. She is on a business trip now which was the trip were the PA was going to start. I don't know if she will follow through but she did say she wants to remain friends with the guy and have dinner with him. We have been married ten years have 6 and 3 year old both of us are professionals and we have a comfortable living. When I found out about A four weeks ago I imidiatley forgave het for what had happened because I had read HIS needs Hers needs and I understood how we got to this point. I have been treating her with respect, love admiration and being very positive. Yeasterday for the first time I requested no contact with the person and she became very defensive and said I am pushing her away. She asked that I not call her for the rest of her business trip only to speak with kids. She says I am a great husband and a loving father but she needs to sorth things out in her head. If I waould have taken a firm stance from the beginning I wonder if she would have put this A to rest back when I found out. Over the past four weeks things seem to get better she has been talking about future vacations. When I bring up topics about our future two years from now and the goals we can accomplish as a family she says she cannot project that far and I am selfish because all I want is to be married. This is confusing for me

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Tear...porque no le preguntas a tu esposo. "Tu quieres que yo me vaya, quires el divorcio?" A ver que te dice. Quizas el despierte de su confusion. Y dile que el que el tenga una relacion por venganza no va a solucionar NADA. simplemente todo se va a complicar mas. Ese es uno de los errores mas horribles que podria cometer. Se que te sientes frustrada porque no ves mejora, pero Tear, hace muy poco tiempo.

Ten fuerza!!

Myrta

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Hello gomez..
Well, I have learned about all that marriage is difficult. A relatiohship needs love deposit, care, atention, etc...
In my case Im "guilty" about this EA,even we had troubles before, is not a justify about lie to a person that I promise to live for the rest of my life.. Even his caracter, and our distance, I accept my error, so, I need to user all my tolerance, and love in order to deal with his bad humor, his rud words, his screams, his hangovers, and yesterday he doesnt want to make love.. for me that was hard, my selfsteem is not so good, and I told him that when heis going to ask for it, Im going to say him no..
He hit me on my face, threee days ago, I love him, believe me, even my EA, I love my H, but Im not going to accept violence, and I told him.. If he hit me again, Im going to leave house, or ask him to leave it..
Main idea is that even all love that you can feel about your wife.. You are a person that have feelings, and that you (sorry I dont know how to express this in english) you worth a lot, you are a person who loves, but this is not enough to supoort everything..
I think you W is still in a fabulous dream, a fantasy, she is blind right now.. She needs to realize that OM is just that, a fantasy, and Im sure OM is not perfect, but she is looking him as he was a perfect, his soulmate, etc.. She is in a error.. and she needs to realize all this.. Why a good man can be involved with a married woman? is not a good man. He wants something more, and a married woman can offer several things without compromise, without any responsability...
I think you should ask for help, try to be with you main clear, you cannot live with the feeling that she is going something wrong, or that she is having a PA... At the end, of all this, everyone is going to have all that they deserve... I know that we cant help someone that doesnt want any help..
Try to have a limit, if in some time everything is equal, then, you with your main clear, take a desicion..
Look for personal help, in order to be quiet.
Good look, and keep posting this site.. for me is my best way right now to be more quiet.

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GRacias Myrta por tus lineas...

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Lágrima:

Los primeros días son terribles. Si tu esposo no quiere hacer el amor eso tambien es normal. Como dije---eso de tener relaciones (hysterical bonding) luego de d-day no le pasa a todo el mundo. Otros sienten repulsión por las relaciones.

Uno cosa debes entender-------tu esposo te ama profundamente. Si no te amara no se sentiría tan mal. Esa locura y esa ira son símbolos de su amor por tí. Es dificil de entender, pero sé que te ama.

Explicale claramente porqué le prestaste atención a OH. Dile que (aunque sea mentira de tu parte) el OH no es nada. En estos momentos tu esposo tiene la auto estima en el piso. En estos momentos él cree que no es lo suficiente hombre para tí. Te imcumbe darle todo el apoyo que puedas y decirle que como hombre él vale mucho mas que el OH. No se te ocurra defender al OH si tu esposo lo insulta. Como dije-----miente si tienes que mentir y disminuye al OH lo mas que puedas. Una cosa que atrasó mi recuperación fué que mi esposa jamás aceptaba palabras negativas hacia el OH. Entiendo que al rebajar la calidad del OH te sientes peor pero lo debes hacer para el bien de tu esposo.


Dejame saber como te resulta esto

CIAO!

Last edited by Stan-ley; 03/30/06 06:04 PM.

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Muchas gracias Stan, hoy me puse falda, a mi esposo le gustan mucho mis piernas, y después de una breve charla donde me hizo ver que no significa que me rechace sino que áún no esta listo para la intimidad. Y me dijo, "hoy te ves muy bien, me gustan tus piernas" eso me gustó muchísimo.. quería abrazarlo y besarlo, pero no puedo, no aún.
EN efecto tienes razón Stan, al principio yo decía que OM era bueno conmigo, que era un caballero, y mi esposo se ponía más furioso...ahora que veo todo con más claridad, veo que las intenciones del OM conmigo no eran tan desinteresadas, ¿que esperaba con una mujer casada?, si tanto le interesaba yo, porque no me dejó en paz, si sabía cuanto amo a mi esposo... OM sabía que yo era vulnerable, sabia lo que yo necesitaba de mi esposo, y él me lo daba.. era injusto eso.. yo sé poco de él.. y bueno entendí que yo estaba equivocada...no fui una víctima solo me equivoqué por que estaba muy mal emocionalmente.
OM dijo tener 34 años, y ser soltero, ahora entiendo porque esta solo...un hombre así no vale la pena ni pensar en él.. y gracias a Dios mi EA solo se quedó ahí y solo hubo un beso... he leido casos acá donde las mujeres creen estar enamoradas y/o obsesionadas con el OM.. gracias a Dios que no es mi caso. Me siento bien, en ese aspecto, no siento nada por el OM, yo creí sus palabras y ahora sé que no era sincero.. y sabes? valoro más a mi esposo. Lo dañé enormememnte y haré todo loq ue eseté de mi parte para recuperarlo y que me ame igual o más que antes..
Hay días malos y buenos, y solo ha pasado una semana, necesito ayuda profesional para trabajar en mi autoestima, y en mis enojos, resentimientos, etc... pero amo a mi esposo con toda mi alma, espero me de la oportunidad de demostrarselo..

Gracias por sus lineas a todos...

Acá andaré desahogando mis sentimientos y apoyando a quien mi experiencia le sirva....

"El todo es mayor que la suma de sus partes"

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Lágrima:

Tu esposo no sabe que tiene una gran mujer por esposa. Enseñale lo que es un verdadero "affair" con relaciones sexuales para que vea lo afortunado que es en tenerte como esposa.

Ese beso lo destroza---te lo aseguro. No es cosa de machismo----nosotros medimos nuestra hombría a base de tener una mujer fiel. Dale apoyo y trata de seducirlo, pues tarde o temprano se va a interesar sexualmente. Aprovecha esto para tener una nueva luna de miel.

Por naturaleza los OH son hombres que tienen la abilidad de reconocer mujeres que desean atención. Eso no es nada malo, pero la maldad está en la idea de enamorar una mujer casada. Eso demuestra una calidad muy baja de ser humano. A tí no te culpo pues estabas hambrienta por atención. En ese sentido cualquiera puede caer.

Aprovecha esta situación para que tengas el matrimonio que siempre deseaste!

CIAO!


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Hi,

Yesterday I wrote a letter to my H, just in case I couldnt speakt with him...Fortunatly I could speak with him, and i told him how much I love him, and I focus in positive aspects about this days. He stopped to drink since day he hit me.. (he wasnt drunk) even this I appreciate a lot that he is reading a book about how to love with open eyes, and I appreciate also that he is starting to speak, to ask me somethings about EA, and Im very possitive about this. Its a new begining...I love him a lot, now I realize how lucky am I to have him as H.
I need to be patient, and lovely, (as much as I can, because he doesnt want any physicll contact) he needs time...

He is going to start to work again next sunday I hope the rutine doesnt affect us, as it use to do it..

I want to look for professional help.

I dont know at what time im going to visit conseul I need to organize my schedule..

thanks for all your lines.

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Tear!! Que bueno que estas viendo algun tipo de progreso con tu esposo. Aunque parezca minimo es algo, no?

Esta siempre bonita y atractiva para el. A los hombres les gusta que sus esposas esten lindas para ellos. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

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Bueno, hoy ese otro dia triste..
Mi esposo tiene una boda de su mejor amigo mañana, fiesta a la cual iríamos juntos, pero luego de que descubrió mi A, pues ya no estoy invitada..
Lo acompañé a comprar el regalo, yo lo escogí, y lo envolví, le inclui una nota de felicitación y ni siquiera las gracias me dió.
Mi H piensa que nuestra relación jamás será igual, y lo ve todo pesimista.. Para él soy lo peor... y toda la culpa es total y exclusivamente mía..
Le dije que me siento sola, que lo necesito, su apoyo, dijo que le diga de una vez si no voy a soportar esto para que tome una desición.. Al decirle lo sola que me siento comencé a llorar, y COMO SIEMPRE no dice nada, NADA,,, bueno hoy me dijo sal de aca no quiero verte .. ya enojado...y le dije, te necesito, me siento sola,,,, y me dijo:anda ve y hablale al OM...!!!!
NO entiendo, puede mas su orgullo, y no acepta que un A es resultado de que las cosas andan mal entre los dos... por culpa de AMBOS.. y no es una justificante.. sé que lo que hice estuvo mal, sé que jamás lo hice premeditadamente.. pero es algo que no puedo cambiar..
Conociendo a mi esposo, puede pasar MUUUUUUUCHOOOO tiempo y seguiremos igual...
Estoy desesperada,,, no se que hacer, quisisera ir y decirle que me demuestre de alguna manera que me ama... y si no lo hace entonces irme o que se vaya el.
Necesito ayuda y si no le puedo tener de mi esposo entonces???

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BUeno, estuvo a punto de pegarme y de no ser porque me puse brava,lo hubiera hecho, sabe que si me vuelve a tocar, entonces nos separamos...No voy a permitir que me pegue otra vez...
Me gritó, y cuando más lo necesito me grita..

No quiero que se lleve el coche a la boda de su amigo pues seguro que va a tomar...

Tuve que hacer unas cosas del trabajo y por eso sali del cuarto donde se encuentra y él se encerró con llave...

¡qué cosa es peor vivir juntos haciendonos daño? o estar separados????

Me da tanta rabia que gane su orgullo que el supuesto amor que me tiene... y todavía me manda con el OM!!!!

Estoy enojada... mi EA solo fue eso un EA.. y su comportamieto es como si fuera un PA o algo peor.. El lo descubrio cuando yo ya lo había terminado y nada NADA de lo positivo que hice el lo nota...

Me llama egoista, dice que esta de luto y que no quiere nada de mi...

Quiza no me ama,, y solo esta conmigo por mi hija o no se.

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Tear, lamento que la situacion este tan tensa.

Tienes ue tenerle paciencia. La traicion del ser querido es una de las peores experiencias que uno puede sufrir. Tu esposo necesita tiempo.

Mientras tanto creo que tu debes mostrarle humildemente que lo amas y que te arrepientes porque has comprendido que lo has traicionado a el y te has traicionado a ti misma.

Manten un perfil bajo.

trata de calmarte. Los enfrentamientos no ayudan.

te deseo lo mejor


cc

"Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience"
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Hola
No dormí nada, discutimos horrible, gritos, y estuvo a punto de pegaarme nuevamente...yo tomé un mazo de la cocina y de no haber sido por eso él me pegaba..mi H sabia que yo me iba a defender...
Cruzamos la linea del respeto y siento que ahora él cree tener el derecho de pegarme cuando esta furioso..
Desde antes del EA, teníamos fuertes discusiones, siempre yo pidiendo atención, cariño y él pensando que yo solo hago reclamos y enojándose siempre...
Ayer dijo que hoy se irá de la casa.. yo le dije pues "que te vaya bien"
Hoy tiene una fiesta, una boda y no deja´re que se lleve el auto, pues la ultima vez que manejó cochó con el otro auto.. Temo que hoy tome mucho alcohol y luego maneje y se estrelle otra vez.
Supongo la separación física, será lo mejor ahora, para la tranquilidad de todos.
Sera su responsabilidad sus actos, ya me ha dicho que en caso de que se vaya, va a tomar, drogarse e incluso buscar mujeres.. Y yo tengo la culpa de todo,..
Lo amo mucho, pero estoy desesperada...
Sera lo que Dios quiera..

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This is a nightmare, today he almost hit me again, because I denied car's key.. I refused to give him because, he is so violent, and angry that he is going to crash again (now with other car)
He saw me with hate... His eyes, were son full of hate.. He though and kick a chair tha was next to me.. He was screaming to me...
I couldnt give him the car, because his secure...
Maybe my M is going to failed... and died... My H became a violent man, not just phsysically, also, with bad words. Blame for all... Maybe my low selfsteem is not because of my gain weight...
Im worry because my baby loves her father... I always believe in marriage for all life.. Now I realize that not always works.

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tear,

Violence is never justified. Where can you go to report this incident? This is domestic violence. Big time.

Go immediately.

L.

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He returned from the party, he got out in night, I was worry about him... he returned very late...He doesnt speak to me...
I spoke with his mother about all this even he prohibit to do that.. I thought that his mom, should now that he is having lot emotional, troubles...
When he discover that I called his mom, he is going to be furious, maybe violent...
I realize that I have to be quiet,and inteligent, in order to avoid a fight..
Im scare,

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tear,

Is your husband continuing to drink alcohol? This is something he will have to stop. Alcohol affects people differently but it is definitely mood-altering and might be a root of a lot of your husband's anger. He needs to stop drinking to get to his "right mind". He might still be angry but it will be healthier anger. Right now, if he is drinking, I don't think his anger is serving him any benefit (i.e. dealing with grief).

Regarding the EA or PA, as a BS myself, I suggest you don't congratulate yourself too much for that one. Betrayal is betrayal regardless of how far it goes so the fact that it did not advance to a PA doesn't change that much of your situation. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't mean it to be.

Your husband needs time to absorb this. Your Dday was 10 days ago? Maybe two more weeks minimum before there is any chance he will start to see things "differently". Please be safe, be patient and stay out of the way. If you get angry, come here and vent. Don't express that anger to your husband. Things will change but they take time.

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Hi,
NO he doesnt drink alcohol, since the day that he hit me..
Even without be drunk, his behaviour is like a drunk, he starts scream, he want to hit, even our pet had received some kicks..
He became a violent man, Im going to find police phone, just in case...
Today I made him his breakfast, he always take it to his work. But today, he didnt.. I let it inside car.. But IM afraid he is going to through out to the garbage..
Even , he crashed car that he used to drive.. Im the onee that I need to use public transportation, because he is driving car that I use to drive... And he called me selfish!!
I need to do several things, Im closer than he, of my office, but I dont know why he called me selfish....
Im angry with him, as he is going to use "my" car, he is not hurry in get "his" car..
Thanks to everyone here in read this and suggest me...
It helps me...

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