well today was the day...my wifetold me she has been unhappy and doesn't believe she can get it back. lied to me and told me there was no one else - although I just recently found a series of phonecalls from who I suspected at her work. While I don't think she has actually had any physical stuff happen _ i am certain of the EA and the desire of a PA. Tomorrow I guess I have to tell her that I know she is lying....and I feel certain it is over. any suggestions.

Have you bought Surviving an Affair yet?

It's a must read if you are going to attempt to save your marriage.

Read about Plan A. Eliminate any LoveBusters from your behaviors...angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands, annoying behaviours, etc.

This is far too complicated a process to go through "unarmed", without a plan to help guide you. Flying by the seat of your pants will have you end up falling from the sky and landing in the desert...

Don't confront until you have more to go on. She'll deny, tell you you are suspicious for nothing, it's just a person at work she's working on a project with...blah, blah, blah. They lie, and they do it well.

Gather enough "evidence" that you could go to a court of law with. As I said in the other post, if you can't prove it beyond a reasonable doubt, she'll have you trying to climb a greased rope trying to prove it in the future, because they'll become more secretive, and leave less trace evidence around.

Read the book! Get it today. Until then, starting the the "home" page of this site, read everything about Plan A, exposure, giver/taker. Print out the EN questionairre and fill out what you believe your W's most important EN's are. See if she'll do the same. Compare them, and see if your are filling her LoveBank in the appropriate way.

Every day you wait is a day lost, and this is a horribly long and tedious process. Not to mention painful...

Best wishes,
SD

Do what you must but do it with a plan. Why speak to her without backup?

Have you read Surviving an Affair (Harley) and Love must be tough (Dobson)?

L.
L.

The easiest way to bust her is to get a voice activated digital voice recorder from Radio Shack or Wallmart. Get the one that you can copy to your PC in case you ever need the evidence in court. Hide the recorder up and under the drivers or passengers seat of her car. Buy it with cash so no record of it's purchase exists and never admit it is yours if you get busted. You'll get all the evidence you need.

You said it (the marriage) was likely over. However, the statistics demonstrate that about 80% of marriages survive infidelity and if you are right and it has not gone physical yet your odds may be higher than that. Basically, divorce is more your choice than hers. Read up here and the books, develope your plan and execute it.

Do you have kids? If so, whatever you do, do not move out.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Believe me, it is FAR, FAR from over. She is confused and doesn't know what she wants, so you would do best not to take anything she takes too seriously right now or imagine the worst. Far from being OVER, it has just started, so get to work, my friend. Get her phone tapped, put a recorder in her car and get the goods on her.

cl

How you doin'?

not good....she has taken off her wedding bands...but is still sleeping in our bed. I am going out of my mind and can't stand to be here but know I can't leave. she doesn't know what she wants and needs time. I am at my limit of what I can take. help

Have you bought and read "Surviving an Affair" yet?

You are asking for help, and it is here for you, but you are allowing yourself to be paralyzed by shock or fear and doing nothing, or so it seems.

Doing nothing will not improve things. Doing something will give you hope. Doing something along the lines of a program that will improve you as a human being, and help you along the way as this plays out, will empower you.

What are you afraid of?

SD

Don't go out of your mind. Instead read our posts and try our suggestions.

L.

my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do....i want my wife back...i want my family in tact. I have been reading the posts and am trying to be strong in her presence. I don't want her to see me weak. Should I ask her if she would be willing to put them back on. I am afraid of losing her completely - she is my love.

I am totally paralyzed right now...how do I talk to her and help her see her daughter needs her...I would do anything to fix this. She is acting like we are fine now...how do i talk to her???

completelylost-

First of all BREATHE!!!!!!!!!! I know that every word and decision seems life of death right now.....we know that....we've been there.

You HAVE to get the book "Surviving An Affair".....READ IT. You also need to read "His Needs, Her Needs"

You have to settle down. I know it's easier said than done......but you remind me a little of myself....people are posting, but you're not listening....you're thrashing around in pain, and while we can sympathize with that, it's not productive.......FOCUS.

You have a good shot at nipping this in the bud, but you have to listen to what we're saying to you.

GET EVIDENCE. Get a voice activated recorder for your home phone line and for her car, as suggested above.

You mentioned a series of calls.....did you tell her? If you didn't tell her you knew, DON'T.

You need absolutely bulletproof evidence.

Because you are going to confront her with it as well as EXPOSE this affair.

You need to find out who the OM is.
Is he married?
Are they co-workers?

Because you need to start investigating and making a list of who you will expose to, these will be people that will have influence over the affairees....your wife's siblings, parents, friends, etc. The OM's wife (If he has one), his boss (If they work together). You have to expose the affair to the light of day......they are built on lies, nothing built on lies can withstand the pressure of the real world.

I seriously understand where you are coming from, but you have to be PROACTIVE right now, not REACTIVE.

Okay?

God Bless,

-Caren

Edited to Add: NO RELATIONSHIP TALK, other than you want to save your marriage/family....make sure that message is loud and clear.

Hi Caren,
Thank you for your post...it is a coworker that I suspect...I have (unfortunately) told her what I know...I called her on it and she has not made any outside calls this weekend. She is being kind to me...I kissed our daughter this morning and told her I loved her...my w said - as she made our coffee - I could say good morning to her too...so I hugged her and said goodmorning. she seemed receptive...she told me yesterday that she was not in love with anyone else and she would tell me if she was. I just want to talk to her tonight...see if she would put her rings back on.

completelylost-

Okay......she's having an affair, and she absolutely WOULD NOT tell you if she was in love with someone else.

If a Wayward Spouse's lips are moving THEY'RE LYING.

It's nice to have those moments....like this morning, where you can hug her.

You can talk to her about her wedding rings but make sure you use "I" statements.......for instance:

completelylost: Why aren't you wearing your wedding rings? You know you really hurt me by not wearing them.

WW: I just don't want to wear them anymore! I don't even feel married to you! You smother me!

Scenerio 2: (With "I" statements)

completelylost: Honey, I have been wondering why you decided not to wear your wedding rings anymore? I feel hurt about that decision

Okay....I'm not sure of her response...I was making up the 1st one....but by using "I" statements, you aren't ACCUSING her of anything, you are simply telling her how you feel.

DO NOT engage in any fights with her. Stay calm and cool, and loving. She'll feel pretty stupid if she's the only one fighting.

Plan A confuses the WS, they don't understand, they're being horrible to you.....and you are being sweet as pie in return......they don't know what to do with that, they are trying to hurt you, to anger you, because then they can justify their behavior because YOU are being unreasonable....so you take that weapon out of their arsenal.

She'll be trying to bait you into fighting with her, and you aren't going to bite....you are going to maintain that you want to work on your marriage.

God Bless,

-Caren

thank you caren...we had a good day today..took the baby to see a movie...hanging out etc...I will take your advice about the rings and let you know what happens. thanks

***she has taken off her wedding bands...but is still sleeping in our bed.***

CL, I think I posted this to you before: The description above sounds like a woman who is well on her way to becoming a fence-sitter and cake-eater -- that is, a woman who wants to be both married *and* single and is determined to have all the advantages of both.

Right now she is testing the waters to see how much of this you are going to swallow and how much she can bully you into going along with.

As the others here have said, you are allowing fear to paralyze you. The cure for that paralysis is to read the books they've recommended and to start Plan A immediately.

If you do nothing, nothing will change, and you WILL lose your marriage. So start reading, get a plan together, and keep posting.
Mulan

I have been reading up on plan a. I have been kind supportive...not flying off the handle but firm and secure in myself as much as I can be - not accusing although I did call her on some ea stuff ... I am working on my LB's - I am taking care of the house and the baby. I desperately want to make this right. I would like to ask her to put them back on tonight.

completelylost-

Play it by ear, if you need to ask about the rings, just do so with the "I" statements.

I don't know if I'd go so far as to ask her to put them on.....but let her know how it makes you feel that she isn't wearing them.

If you ask her to put them on she's likely to see it as a demand (They're irrational).

My husband flies off the handle and thinks I'm trying to control him when I ask simple things when I need his help regarding our daughter.....he has repeatedly said "You're not going to CONTROL me" when I was never attempting to to begin with. I make sure that I point out to him that I am in no way trying to control him, that I am sorry if he is taking what I said out of context, and that it was never my intention to try to control him.

God Bless,

-Caren

CL -

Just giving my support here. You have gotten some very good advice. Try to absorb all that you can here and understand what you need to be doing.

I am so sorry you have to be here. I understand how much pain you are in.

Take care,

Kim

well I talked to her about her rings...she will not put them back on until she is ready...and she doen's know when or if that will be. she said she is commited to figuring this out and will not "do" anything without speaking to me first. She said just speaking to her about it was stepping all over her space...so I told her I wouldn't press her until she was ready...and I told her I would let her know when I couldn't take any more...I was calm and cool - no drama but she was still upset that I even talked to her. I hate my life...how long do I allow this to go on.