I am doing really well...i know i will come out of this fine...i am ok and my daughter is ok. I am seperate and equal... but wife is in serious trouble....and my self preservation needs to be at TOP NOTCH. I am tough and strong and working on myself and on a definite path of self discovery - and learning about myself and why i have come to where I am and the choices i have made. I am really working on these things. I am not leaning on her or into the marriage anymore. honestly when i lean i just fall down - because she is not there.


A friend of ours spoke with me this afternoon...she said to w a few days ago
(I DID NOT KNOW THIS CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE) that she has urged her to go to therapy...that she has serious issues from her childhood that are coming up to haunt her, that she is being massively destructive to all of our lives...that she has replaced the love and support she recieved from her family with that of work. they work together so she would know... She said talking to her was like talking to a blank wall...that there was nothing there and my w gave no inclination that she had any intention or desire of working this through...

She said i need to take care of myself and baby now. that it is indeed very sad. But now it needs to be about me. that W is not willing to look at herself in any of this at all...that she does not see her part in this - that she blames and turns everything on ME and blames and points the finger at my D - for god sake that is CRAZY...daughter is a beautiful little girl who has done nothing to be the blame of to anyone???

She said i need to examine my reasons for choosing my w. that all of our friends recognize her issues - see them and see how they affect me. She said I need to think seriously about how much damage has been done to her in her childhood...that it can't be fixed unless she chooses to examine these things. ...and also how much more damage is she going to do...to me

so i guess i am at a cross roads - i struggle with my responisbility for my w - because i believed in my vows - i am compassionate towards her care about her. but she shows no compassion or responsibility back for me or D...

this is all very very worrisome...

Wow! Coincidence! My WW has childhood issues steming from the abandonment then death of her father. And it was when she started working - 6 months ago - that she really went off the deep end. Wouldn't call her mother, brother, sister. Withdrew from me and her children. She definitely used work, then the A, as a substitute.

19 - good to hear from you.

LovingAnyway I would very much appreciate your insight on my sitch if you're willing.

Thread is "WW Resentment".

I've read all your posts to Completelylost so you don't have to repeat yourself. Just would like to see what your thoughts are on some specifics.

Anyone else that would like to post I would appreciate too.

Thanks for letting me advertise on your thread CL.

Advertising pays...

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CL,

"i struggle with my responisbility for my w - because i believed in my vows - i am compassionate towards her care about her. but she shows no compassion or responsibility back for me or D..." You are responsible and can only control you, your choices...you vowed, you chose, you choose to be compassionate because of your beliefs, not her actions...what she shows or doesn't is hers.

Keep that straight. Keep your focus on you and DD...know what you are about...know if you're being compassionate because you long for compassion...believing that what we give in life is what we get...a misinterpreted reap and sow belief. Because what we sow, so shall we reap...and God doesn't say from the person you want it from, or that prayers are answered in the way we expect...

You have so many people being compassionate to you here...look around, see the attention, care and support...know you're not alone...you're worthy...

Know that you're listening to the advice of the coworker/friend, and that she doesn't not see marriage as the place to be safe enough to grow together...she sees it in a different way than you might...and you're allowing her influence...find out why and how it feeds you before you choose to believe or not based on her information.

The part about being a BS is that you are technically always at a crossroads...goes for being human, too. Each day you choose to remain in the marriage, you choose to love, you're choosing one path, when there are many to choose from. Know you're choosing and why.

((((CL)))))

LA

Hey LA - very perceptive statement about reaping what we sow - and who we expect that from...I have to back off from w - because all she is capable of is hurting me right now....and i am just not interested in the pain.

Tonight she is going out to celebrate cinco de mayo with her "work friends" again and my LB is empty...i am offended on many many levels - but mostly on what she is doing to my D.

this morning as we drove in to work a summery fun song came on the radio...and i left it on for her...she said happily "thanks...its cinco de mayo...we should celebrate" I replied - well you are...i would love to celebrate too....she said oh well i can't help that THEY planned this tonight."

i understand - but it is your choice to go. these are your choices. D and i will celebrate tonight. she then was miserable the rest of the way in. she now gets rides home from her partying nights...which is good for the baby...although my D is very confused about what is going on and why mama is never home.

she went out last friday, monday, worked till 11pm on wed. and is now going out again.

i believe the coworker friend about what she has said to me...because i trust her...and it confirms what i see...she does not put forth any effort to repair...and does not believe at least on the surface that she is doing anything wrong.

OP and spouse have apparently entered counseling and are working on there relationship...

got nothin else to report - but i am exhausted from the whole thing.

DD and i are off to go to a pizza party. happy night to all.

Kudos on handing back choice! Slap upside the head for monitoring her miserableness or lack thereof. You're getting a solid half of this!

Where's your choice for IC/MC? For you? With a standing invite to WW?

Or child counseling (play therapy) for DD because you're concerned?

Show me your power of choice, CL...open up to see more options...seek and ye shall find...ask and ye shall receive...knock and it shall be opened...

When you open, life opens. Your focus remains on her...though your actions have caught up...your focus hasn't.

You're halfway there, CL. You can do this. Stop exhausting yourself. You're worth more than the mental treadmill you put yourself on. Lean brain syndrome?

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Thank you for sharing...responding...believing. Now embrace yourself; if DD feels confused, confirm that...say, I know how you feel...and keep going.

Leave "never" out of your vocabulary...as in "never home". Stay accurately present. If you want confirmation that your belief that WW is neglecting her family...ask if others believe the same.

Come straight at us, CL.

LA

hey LA - well i am in IC - working hard on my stuff...getting a grip on my choices and my decisions. really self examining.

She just got in 1:00 am...she said they had fun...and brought home a light up shot glass...thought D would like that it lights up...i told her not to give it to her.

I am actually seeing my options and they are pretty bright...there is a big beautiful world out there...most of my light though exists without her at this point.

I am sad - about the dreams we had. what i believed we could be. but never quite got to. that pretty picture that i had in my mind. These are the things i am examining. because the person she is showing me is so far from the woman i knew it is hard to recognize her and more difficult to like her let alone love her. I am trying to deconstruct that dream and see it for what it is...see reality...and decide if what it is - is worth rebuilding. Everyone on the inside says she is pushing my limits...pushing me to give her an out...pushing me to make her leave...

i am in a horrible position...my choices are many - but that damn dream gets in my way.

i would love your thoughts / confirmation on her treatment of me and her daughter....
and if there is anything left to salvage

I don't stop believing, CL...because I can. My choice.

Maybe unreasonably. I know she is neglecting, running away from her roles...wife and mother...so I figure there must be pain in her...and she hasn't learned she carries that with her...

and when we run from ourselves, we step on a lot of innocent people.

She isn't showing you anyone...she is choosing her actions and telling herself she has no choice...she isn't sharing who she really is, how she feels, what is causing her pain (herself) or asking for help.

What if God is asking you to stop examining your WW? What if he desperately wants the focus to stop being outside yourself...which is like running from yourself...look at how you aid a big beautiful world out there...outside...outside...

God is inside.

LA

I have really given my life up to God at this point...which is a huge thing for me...faith has always been difficult for me. But now all i can do is trust that this is going to make me stronger and that no matter the outcome...it is for the best. I have let go of that control...again huge for me...i don't want it. I am not trying to convince her anymore...not trying to push. I honestly don't want that job anymore. My daughter and i have wonderful days together...and wonderful friends...where D can run and play and not be confused and sad. And a place where i know i am welcome and respected. for now i don't need anything more then this.

You were right...WW is on her own journey. it is not one of mutual respect and care...It is not one i can accompany her on...and now it is not one that i care to journey on it is clear my D and I should simply steer clear.

CL -

Following your story. Good to see that you're letting go of the conotrol, giving up to God. I know what that is and am struggling - seems like by the minute sometimes - to stay calm at the center of the storm.

Wishing you the best.

CL,

My focus made my H into my god...worshipping isn't all love and prayers...I included sacrifices, and like Cain, didn't like the results...my obsession with H got in the way of my self and God. Breaking this focus, putting it back on me, was a huge event...like it is for you...and breaking my controlling bent was huge...I honestly don't know if I could have done if WH wasn't being wayward...

And my DH is with me...and we're still on separate and shared journeys...because the balance stays, along with the respect, and the knowledge of how enmeshed I was is a good marker for not doing that again.

Becoming whole can feel like being torn apart.

LA

yes it can...i think i have made it over the hump of this...and am feeling whole, complete on my own.

W made the announcement this morning that OP was picking her up tomorrow and she was going to brunch tomorrow....spending the day out.

I told her that was unacceptable. That i could see that she was not invested in our marriage our family and in working on us and that these were her choices her decisions.

I told that i was an adult - human being who deserved respect and my dignity and that her actions were not ok with me. That she really only had two choices - to commit to working on our family, our relationship, our life ....or that she had to go - then her freedom would be hers and she could do as she pleased...again her choice - her decision. that i had my boundaries and had reached my limit of what I could take. that her coming and going as she pleased was not acceptable.

She informed me that she was not in a relationship with me...i told her that as long as she lived in this house that she was...and that she needed to treat me with respect and that her actions disrepsected me.

i again told her these were her choices - her decisions. that i was trying, invested - but that her actions showed me nothing. she has locked herself in her bedroom and has not come out.

I feel very good at having finally taken a stand. made my boundaries clear.

CL -

Great job! I need to do the same thing with my WW re: NC.

Since you're in that strong place right now - I am not - maybe you can help me with the words? The thoughts? She said she would NC Tuesday but then took several calls from OM yesterday. Making the end FINAL she says. Right now I don't think I can overcome the babble that will come when I bring NC w/OM up - "Stop so focusing so much on that. It's such a small part of the larger problem. I can handle it. I can take care of it. It's over. Don't you worry about it. I don't want to TALK about this anymore."

I just don't feel like I've got it in my to confront that. Congratulations on confronting and establishing.

CL? If she leaves tomorrow to have lunch with OP...what are your boundary enforcement actions?

I'm asking because she said she believes she isn't in a relationship with you...which is her choice.

Time to respect her choice.

LA

absolutely respect her choice...then she needs to go.

i told her - that her behavior was unacceptable and that she needed to go then. no other choice but to commit to us (i told her my D and I were a package - and that i would not be leaving the house nor would D...i would assume the mortgage) or that she needed to leave.

if she goes tomorrow...then she needs to find an apt.

hey MDC - i guess at least you have her saying she will NC. w doesn't budge on anything...she has an attitude of doing as she pleases...no matter who it hurts...that she is entitled.

I got to this strong place because i have no other choice. My daughter needs stability and safety...and unless i "muscle up" (ww told me i needed to do this so that she could do as she pleased or she would leave.) Now i am muscling up for myself.

i was careful to use i statements, be firm and make my boundaries as clear as possible. no more sadness - no more need - no more expectations - because nothing is given to me.

If she's choosing to go then she will have to find an apartment.

Are you willing to box her stuff while she's at lunch and put it out front? Her choice has immediate consequences...because she made immediate choices.

How would you feel about that?

LA

yeah - could box it - but i hate to do the work for her...that is how she works...everyone else does her stuff for her.

I also thought about changing the locks.

i actually thought she would have left the house already today...she has been on the phone...but no sign of her going anywhere....yet

the last relationship she was in - she put the poor bast**d through this nonsense for 8 months...then she met me...immediately moved in - and he actually moved her into my place - with NO assistance from her.