I am sure you apartment is rented. The landlord should be responsible for maintenance - not your WH. The heat is only about to get worse.

Be careful walking around. IMO that is your biggest danger. There is a lot of bad stuff that goes on in Kuwait. Do you wear an abaya? Dress as conservatively as possible. Many of the locals view women who expose a lot of skin as prostitutes.

It almost sounds like your WH has given up on his own life. He is just going through the motions without really caring what happens to him. Did you get your residence visa?

The janitor that takes care of the building, does not speak english.. so i have major problems talking to him. WH said a few days ago, that he will tell have the janitor take care of it. But WH doesnt seem to do anything. My mom told me, the police is involved with our car back in germany... it has been towed. The car insurance is under my dads name, my dad did not want to get in trouble, so he sent WH the insurance papers so the insurance would get changed over into WH's name. I filled it out, WH took the papers with to mail them, iguess he has not done that either. My dad is now contacting the insurance guy so my dad can be protected. WH is p*****d off at my parents, cause they want their money, and because they "cause him trouble". Nothing is his fault of course.

What is IMO? No, idont wear any arabic clothes, i wear the same clothes that i have always worn.

And i do have the feeling that my WH has given up on life. He says he lost everything (referring to our belongings in germany). I told him that i think he is depressed and down, and that i wish i could help him get better. I also feel like i would abandone him if i would leave now. I feel like he would just give up completely (if he hasnt already) and would just live the life he is leading right now forever. How do i help him get out of this???? It's like he is stuck in this "love" to this woman. And that he dont care about anything or anybody else in his life anymore. His brother offered him a job in the States, whenever WH comes back to the states (BIL has his own trucking firm with 4 trucks and told him he would hire him as a mechanic) I was glad when WH told me that, maybe it gives him a perspective someday, to save himself.

And no, i dont have my visa yet, on the 17th our other visas run out. WH said something like sending us on a Dubai-run if he cant get it done in time. He said since he has been sick, he couldnt get the paper from work about his salary that he needs for the paperwork. No matter what i say... it doesnt matter. He talks about all the stuff he has to do, but doesnt do anything. He jumps when she snips her fingers, wish i could find out something bad about her and open his eyes. He just stays away... soothes his concience with the fact that he "takes care of us" financially, and thats it. Why is he staying away? He used to blame it on me crying etc... i havnt done that anymore, yet he still does not come by, calls or texts... He did text the kids last night around midnight (even though he had to get up for work at 5am) told em he was worried about em cause he hadnt heard from them that he loves and misses them. They just say, "yeah right, if he would, he would be here" My son never even sent a reply, my daughter wrote him, "sorry, was asleep when i got your message, love you too"

They both say they dont know if they can ever forgive him for what he is doing to them. They dont even want to see him again at times. He is already so down... this will break him.. i am so worried about him. Otherwise i think i would already be gone. I just dont know how to reach him to help him, i offered many times... he dont want my help... and he doesnt need anyones help (his words)He says he deals with all of this on his own, and will make his own decision. I always thought he was so strong.. but i was wrong.. he is so very weak <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I guess I am not totally convinced your WH is in love with the OW. It might even just be a revenge affair. All you describe from WH is hate - not love. And I am not just talking about hate for you and the children. IMO = in my opinion.

I think your husband is on autopilot and needs the OW to remind him to put his socks on in the morning.

How and why did you decide to end your affair?

You know after reading your first sentence... i get the same feeling at times from him... the way she "annoys" him, and he tells me about it, but on the other hand he believes he loves this woman.. i know it kind of contradicts.. but it is so very true.. he always says he loves her, but the way he talks to her and about her. I dont know.. maybe he thinks he deserves her? It just doesnt make any sense to me. Does he keep the kids and me around to keep the last of his sanity?

I do believe he needs her.. or at least thinks he needs her, its like she caught him back then when he was completely down because of me. But she hasnt been able to "fix" him, if you know what i mean. Its like she is his only hold right now, and he is clinging to her. No matter how many times i have told him, i have faith in us, etc. He cant do it, cause he loves her, but he also says that this love to her is only a small part why he is not coming back, he wont tell me what the other reasons are, he says he will not tell me how he feels. So i cant ease any fears or doubts.. he says he has to deal with this on his own. I dont know what is fog-talk and what is not.

I do know that i shook up his entire world, and it hit him deep. I do know that i created the man that he now is, and it hurts immensly to see him like this, but he hides behind a facade of the "strong" man, that he isnt anymore. When he seems to have a "weak" moment, thats when he told me, that if i were to go, i would leave him again. He used to tell me, cant you wait for me? But now those sentence dont have any meaning anymore, he says they were all lies. He is hiding behind a huge wall it seems, if i believe what he says. He seems to hurt when his kids dont want him to hug them... or dont tell him that they love him. Sometimes when he texts them, he writes in every message i love you to the kids. Even when it goes back and forth continuesly for abuot 20 mins or so. When he comes over, he "hangs" on his daughter even clings to her. How can i reach him... i just dont know...

I wrote on the other thread how my affair ended. I never wanted a divorce back then either, didnt understand myself why at the time.

Sometimes it seems that he wants someone to "save" him, but he doesnt want that.. or cant let that happen... i dont know. I dont know if its wrong pride... not sure what it is. He told me about 1 1/2 months ago, he has no pride anymore. I put him there, how do i help him get out of it??

Daggi,

Maybe we have been looking at this all wrong. I think maybe wants, needs, is begging for you to save him. He has lost his ability to trust you. He may be clinging to OW but it is definitely not love. It is almost like abusive mother/abused son.

Please stay with just one thread. I am getting confused. Pick whichever one you like and just update that one.

Keep talking too. You are starting to make sense. I mean that in a good way.

my time on this computer is up... will be back in a couple days... thanks for helping me through this

I think I mentioned very early on in your thread that I believe some people define themselves by their surroundings. I think your A hit WH very hard and seriously damaged his sense of self and damaged the foundation of everything he had believed in – love, marriage, fidelity, honesty. I am no expert so this is just one idea.

I think maybe that while he was in a very weak condition, he traveled to Kuwait to work in a very alien environment and he let that environment help define his new "self". There are not very many positive influences in Kuwait. Sorry to say it but Kuwait just has very few redeeming qualities and now it is at near-chaos with all the military activity. Kuwait itself has serious drug and alcohol problems so there is a fair amount of social disease there even in peaceful times. Not the kind of place where WH is going to learn to rebuild himself into the kind of person he wants to be.

It would be best if you got WH out of Kuwait and back to surroundings that are more familiar. If you cannot do that, you can try to salvage the marriage from there. It will be difficult but not necessarily impossible. I think WH realizes OW is not what he wants. Maybe he is punishing himself. It is not an impossible idea. You do need to appear to him to be a more attractive alternative than the OW. Don't worry about her – she is not your competition. She will dig her own grave. You work on YOU.

i know the place here is bad for him... but he will not let me get close enough to have any influence on it. He said in his past life he did what other ppl told him... and look where it got him, he will make his own decisions.

Any ideas on how to reach him? He says we will be friends forever, but he has pulled so far back... i dont know what to do anymore, he had opened himself up to me, but i made him feel bad for his choices, etc. And now he has pulled back so far... i dont hear from him. I am really scared that he might never trust me enough again to even be friends in the sense what friends are. He answers when i write... but not always... says most the time he was busy or his battery was empty or whatever...

Living here alone is very hard on me, and it takes all i have in order to stay sane, so its very hard to not break down, and to know what the right thing to do is.

How do i become a more attractive choice for him, if he is not around to see it? How do i do that without being pushy... sorry i know i ask a lot... i just screwed up so much already... this forum is the only thing that keeps me going if i am honest.

i sat at home and almost sent him a text message... saying things like... i can undersrand if you cant trust me anymore and limit the contact we have.. i am sorry i failed you yet again... but instead i walked an hour to this place and logged in... this forum has kept me from stupid things many times, i did find it too late and i didnt stick to the plan.. was going to do plan b in the beginning.. but that would be fatal i think.. i believe he would completely give himself up... we lost everything we had back home... the kids and me are the only thing left from his old life, if we would be gone.. he would just give up al together.. i think...

It threw him into a huge nothing and he cant come out of it, especially not with the help of the person that catapulted him into there. I think thats the biggest problem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just have no clue how to deal with all of this, afraid of pushing him even more away...

That, for me, is the key to his behavior. He is trying to start over and pretend his past life never existed or at least try to do the opposite of everything he used to do because he believes he did it all wrong before.

I am certain he is very unhappy with everything. I know he is finding no joy in his "new life". I have seen too many other people go through exactly what he is going through. His behavior is fairly predictable. You cannot pull him out of this but I am fairly certain he will eventually pull himself out or else die. Nobody can easily survive what he is doing for very long. His problems with the police certainly don't help the situation.

There are things you could do that have been mentioned before. You don't want to do any of them and I don't really blame you.

For the time being, decide what behaviors are good and what are bad and avoid the bad. Don't be needy or clingy. He is trying to pull away from everything - not just you. The more you try to hold on to him, the faster he will try to get away from you. I would say limit your messages to him with pretty much the basics. You need food, doctors, etc. - just the basic necessities. Don't nag and it is okay to remind him in every message that you love him very much.

Basically your husband needs religion. I think he will find it. Ask him to go to church with you if you feel comfortable. I am certain there are churches there. Contact the AWG I mentioned previously and ask them where they are.

I think your husband needs to find himself and, until he does that, he is not going to be too interested in your marriage. I am certain he despises the OW because she is a constant reminder to him of how much he is failing. Don't worry about the OW. Whatever happens, she will NOT be part of his future. Maybe if he found her in some tropical paradise, it would be different. I have seen that too many times also - a man checks out of life and finds a woman in an idylic setting. This is common in Thailand, Indonesia, etc. but never in Kuwait. Your husband tolerates the OW because he is lonely.

As for you, always keep yourself looking nice for the times he does come by. Always appear happy and glad to see him. Don't hit him with all the things you need immediately. Let the conversation slowly get to that. Make him feel comfortable with you. Make it pleasant for him to go see you. Don't cry or complain. I know those are all hard things to do. Just remember that you are developing a plan and you need to stick to it.

My husband used to believe in god, i dont know about now, he was never a very religious person and never went to church with me. (we have different religions catholic - pentecostal) I think he could use some sort of believe very much right now. I know he has lost all believe in everything that he has believed before.

He said back then, when i was having the EA, that he has changed all the things that i told him were the cause for me breaking out. Which back then i told him were mainly his aggression (verbally). He changed that, yet i still wouldnt take him back. He has been a very caring and loving person throughout my entire EA, except for a few rare occasion where his pain got too much i guess, and he blew up, thats when he would either leave the house or hurt himself. He would punch doors... once he even slammed his head into a door and just about passed out on the floor afterwards. He loved me very very much, and this has hit him so very hard.

I dont think he would do anything that i suggest right now, not even church. I have been trying to be supportive, but he refuses any help. Like yesterday... our landlord called him cause the rent here was due, but my Husband doesnt have the money to pay him, he offered to pay hald, and the other half in 2 weeks, but landlord refused. Since the landlord doesnt speak english and my husband doesnt speak arabic, husband had OW call him. When the landlord refused partial payment, my husband messaged me and told me that he doesnt know what to do, i messaged him back asking him if we have to leave. He then called me and said he will try getting some money somehow and that he might sell his phone to cover the rent. He had also told me that he got the kids and me some magazines and since he doesnt want to come by here and get seen by the landlord, that he will meet me around the corner to give them to me. I was pretty down after that phone call, we used to get through rough times together, and i so wished i could help him. Sometimes i just only wish i could help me out of all his troubles, i just want him to to have his beliefs back, his hopes, his dreams... i just want him to be happy again, no matter if he ever comes back to me or not.

Anyways later he called him telling me he found someone that will buy his phone and he will be able to pay the rent tomorrow. I offered to sell my weddingband for the rent (those rings werent exactly cheap back then) and he instantly got very upset with me. This ring is the only thing that i have that is worth something. I tried to calm him again, telling him i didnt mean it bad, that if we were to get back together we could get new rings. He said the phone isnt that important and he could buy the same phone again in 4 weeks or so. I told him that in the past we had sold rings of mine before to make ends meet, and thats why i had offered it. He had calmed down again by that time and said the gold here wouldnt be worth much anyways. I dropped the subject then, and let him do what he was doing. He keeps saying those are his problems and i shouldnt worry about them. I told him that i did worry though, and he cant change that (said that in a silly way and stuck my tongue out at him over the phone, he then did the same)

When he came by later and we met at the corner, he looked very powered out. I asked him how he was doing, and he said he was very tired, i gave him a kiss through the open window, and we talked for a few minutes. He said he hopes he has a day off soon, he is tired, but he needs to work to get the money going again (cause of him being sick). He seemed in one way to wanted to stay and talk, and at the same time he seemed to wanted to go again. I kept carressing his arm that he had on the open window. He then told me to take the laptop out of the back of the car and my son took it. He said he was tired and i told him to go home and get some rest. He said he will go home and sleep. Then right before he took off he said "and i got into an argument with the b****h too". I didnt say anything to that, but i guess since she called the landlord twice that day, that the argument that they had was about me or the situation that had happened.

I do try to look nice even when i know he is not coming by, i think its also good for me when i dont let myself go how i did in the past. When i did see him last night i was happy and smiling and i felt happy to see him, before when i saw him i tried smiling but i was so sad and down on the inside i think it showed. But not yesterday.

I am just so worried, that even if he would leave OW, that he wouldnt come back, he has always said that she is not the reason that he hasnt come back. He wont tell me whats going on inside of him, but i think i am starting to get a pretty good idea. He says she is a small part of all of this, and that he needs to get through it himself. I never understood that before, but i think i am now. Yesterday i thought about giving him a little note, stating that he will always be family to me, that i will always be here for him no matter what. That i wont be going anywhere.
That i know times are rough right now, but that he shouldnt give up, that he should keep faith that things will be better again. And that i believe in him.
I didnt give it to him yesterday, since he was so down yesterday and since he had gotten upset with me at the phone a few hours before. I didnt want it to seem that i am trying to push him again, cause it seemed everything that happened yesterday had pushed him to his absolut limit again.
You think its ok to tell him that i love him? You dont think he will see it as me pushing him? I have told him a few times in the past months, his reply has always been "i know". I think the kids and me are the only thing that reminds him of his past life, everything else is gone. In a way he doesnt want his past life (told me if we were to get back together, it would be a whole new start, not a continuation) on the other hand he does not want to give me up. Like when i wanted to leave, when i thought it would cause him to finally be able to be happy with her if i left. And he said, if you were to leave right now, you would leave me again. And he said i am giving up too soon. That was the one time when i saw a very sad and broken man, and it hurt me... he had talked very quietly. I always had the feeling that he is trying to find his way back, but cant find it for some reason. I told him that a couple months ago, and he denies it. But when he has one of those moments... he seems to sad... and a couple days after he told me that i shouldnt give up too soon. Thats when he came by and was very clingy with the kids and me. Like a cry for help. But those moments disappear again, when he shows up a couple days later, its back to his distant self again.

My husband thinks that psychologist and counselors are useless, to put it mildly. So i could never ask him to get help somewhere, he does know that i have been in pretty bad shape before and the magazine that he brought me last night, was one about psychology. I was very surprised to see that, and not quite sure what to make of it.

Just a couple minutes ago i received a message from him "happy easter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />" Didnt know it was easter today.. so happy easter to everyone <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You said some really good things in this post. I wonder if you are now saying them to WH. For example, you said how much he loved you and supported you during your EA and how much that means to you. Have you said that to him?

It sounds like you are starting to do the right things. It is okay to tell him you love him. He needs to be loved and is not getting that from the OW. He doesn't know what he needs but he needs help. He is in a tailspin and falling fast in this so-called Eden he has found in Kuwait.

Keep supporting him and keep believing in him if you still love him. It sounds like he is about ready to crash and burn and I can assure you that OW is not interested in picking up the pieces. She is not your problem. Forget her. The A is not your problem. It sounds like YOUR affair is the beginning of the problem. Whatever caused this, you can try to work through it. Be patient and calm.

I will bet you money that if your WH has to make a financial choice between dropping you and dropping the OW, he won't think twice about kicking her butt out the door. Just my opinion but there is no love lost between those two. Whatever is going to happen, she is a short timer.

Do you have internet back in the apartment or are you still using a cafe?

I reread your post. It is okay IMO to tell him you love him but do it in a matter-of-fact way. Not clingy and crying. He is lost and can't find his way back just as you said. In his current state, I think a counselor probably is a waste of time. He has lost something far deeper. I am sorry to keep repeating this but he needs to find God - and probably will very soon. He is hanging onto something. He is hanging on to you and the kids because you are part of what is good and decent to him. He wants to keep the ring because he doesn't want to lose that tie to what he knows is right. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom and either be destroyed by that or get angry, get up, dust ourselves off and fight our way back. I hope there is still some fight left in your husband. I think there might be. Don't give up hope. I don't think he can go much longer the way he is.

When you talk to him, do you speak in English or German? If he is American, be SURE you speak in English always. That is part of his roots. If you speak in German, it keeps him further from his roots. Expats always miss their native language - always.

Daggi,

Here is one more suggestion. Don't just tell your husband you love him. Tell him you BELIEVE in him. Tell him you know he is a good person and that you are sorry for what you did and the part you played in this. If he says he won't go back to his past life, tell him you will go with him to the ends of the earth if that is what he wants.

I am not asking you to be a doormat. Your husband is drowning and looking for something solid to hold on to. He wants that to be you. You have to be solid. You have to be his anchor. That is just my opinion but he needs to know you still love him and that you forgive him for what he is doing to you and the kids. Talk to your kids too. If they want Dad back, tell them they need to be supportive. rather than get angry at Dad, they should tell them they love him and want to know why he is doing this to them. That they want him back.

Traicionado, you have no clue how much hope you are giving back to me. Just sending you a big hug right now, cause i just have to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Thank you so much.

I have told him in the past that he was always there for me, and that i saw how much he truely loved me during thaht time. But his responses to this are always very sad, never angry. He just says things like: yes, i was but it didnt do me any good. He basically tells me he did all the right things, but nothing changed the situation. And he is right, of course since he was in kuwait, he never saw my tears on my side of the world after we had spoken. Or he didnt see the expression on my face when we typed online. I told him many times after we had talked i would sit there and just cry. And he just says, i never saw you cry, you never told me. I told him, ask the kids, they saw me crying many times. He does not want to talk about the past, but somehow i feel like if he never talks about it, it will all stay inside of him and eat him alive.

When he had made me come last august, his reason for wanting me to come where: i want to see it in your eyes. He even proposed to me during that time (even though he was sill with OW at that time, which i didnt know) I was more worried about getting any reminder of her out of the house, than making him feel secure with me. But two weeks were to short to give him his beliefs back anyways, even if i had known what the true problem was. Later when i talked to him about that trip, he said there was nothing that i could have done. It is something inside of him, not me.

I still cant believe that i "broke" this man, he has always been so strong, he was my rock all my life. I never thought this could happen to him. At one time i even thought i was right when i thought he didnt love me as much as i had hoped all those years, because he wouldnt come back to me. But now i know he is in that state, because he did love me as much if not more than i thought. And that is why he is how he is right now.

I do believe in him, and i will wait for him forever, he does not know this, he had asked me for months and months back then, cant you wait for me? And i kept telling him back then, i want to, but i cant. It hurts too much. I let him down with that. I am not leaving him, i made this commitment, like i said he dont know that yet, and i want to tell him when he has the time to hear it, and the past week wasnt time to do that.

The note i wrote, i will write it in here real quick, please let me know what you think of it.

"Käfer (pet name that i have had for him since 1986 - we still call each other honey, sweetheart etc.. just as info <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

You will always be family to me. I am and will ALWAYS be here for you. You can always count on me for the rest of your life, no matter what problems or struggles you are facing. I will be here with strength and faith. I will be here with any support that i can. I wont ever judge or question you. I wont be going anywhere, you are and will always be family, and i will always be here.
Honey, i know things in your life are very tough right now, but things will get better, dont give up. Life is not going to stay that rough, there will be better and brighter days in the future. Have faith honey, i believe in you.

Your friend always

Daggi"

He has been wanting us to be friends ever since he has told me that he doesnt love me anymore. And since i have stopped pressuring him to come back to me, i have been trying to be a friend to him.

When i have told him in the past, i am still your wife, he tells me, just like you told me back then when i told you i am still your husband... on paper only. That hurts very badly when he says that, and back then when i told him that, i didnt even think about how it would effect him. Every time when we have talked about the past, its not about the OM that i was involved with, but its about how cold i was to him. He has never been so cold to me during all this time. I guess its hard for him to believe that will never be like this to him again, and i dont know how i could ever make him believe that it will never happen again. He would need that reasurance, but i dont know how to give it to him... words are just words...

What is going to happen when he crashes and burns? I am really afraid of that, i will be here to catch him, but i am afraid he will not let me be here and catch him. What will happen to him then? I would do anything in the world for this man. He seems so in doubt about everything... guess thats why he is trying to control the situation and OW so much, cause there he can do something about it, if he has control nothing that he doesnt expect can happen.

I wanted to give him a note like the one i wrote above, so he could keep it with him and that he would always know i am here. But OW checks all his stuff, she is very jealous, i am worried she might find it. I dont want any trouble for my husband, i also dont want her to know what it is that he really needs. And i dont want her to throw it away, like she had done with everything else that was from me that he had.

Just wish he would let me help him, or that he would get some help somewhere else, like counseling or a church. But he says he is doing it on his own. It just hurts to see someone you love like this, and there is nothing you can do about it.

I am trying to be the strong one now, i think i have been doing pretty good.

Oh yeah, of course the salary statement from his work didnt show up yet, and now he has to pay fines for everyday that we dont have our visas yet. He does not have the money to send us on a Dubai-run, so he is "sc***ed" either way. I think those were his words. Everything seems to go wrong, and things are getting worse. I am afraid that will only put him further into his "hole". That it just reeinforces his beliefs that nothing can go right anymore. But i am not giving up on him. Hopefully i will get a chance soon to tell him that.

please let me know what you think of the note, if its a good idea or not, thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hi Traicionado,

you must have posted the same time i was writing, just saw your second post.

Husband brought the laptop back yesterday, so i do have internet again at the house, which is really good, cause i got sunburn..lol.

I havent told him that i love him in a while, but i will tell him when the chance permits, like if we had a "nice" time when he has been here and he is getting ready to leave, or the conversation allows it.

You think he will find God very soon? He seems so far away from that. I have found God again, a few weeks ago, when i was at my end and i stood 5 hours on the balcony contemplating on what to do, i went out there after the kids had gone to sleep and i wanted to jump. Instead i ended up standing out there, and something was just there, i have never been someone to go to church, i have only prayed when i wanted something. That kind of thing, i blamed god for a long time cause he let my little sister die. But that night he was there, i cant explain it, it was like he held me in his hand and just protected me. I so hope that the same will happen to husband soon. He needs it so much, you are right.
I think you are also right about the ring, they seem to mean a whole lot to him. He doesnt wear his, but he still has it in a drawer in his place.

I am afraid that he might already be destroyed by all of this. I do hope i am wrong, thats why i want to show him, that i can be strong, and that he can rely on me.

When we talk its 99% english, but i do say things to him in german, or write him messages in german at times, and he does reply in german at times as well.. most the time its in english though. I think when he does talk german with me, its just another thing that connects him. We have always basically spoken english with each other and the kids. I think at times he likes saying a word or two in german to me, i dont know.. just a feeling i get. Especially when he used to write longer messages to me in german (he speaks pretty much fluent german, but writing it i would say he knows how to spell 70%)

His way he has to find himself... there is nothing i can do about it. But i can show him that he is not alone, and that i am here.

I think your note is great. He probably does have to find himself. Things have gotten so badly out of hand because he has let it. He wants it. It is a bit like suicide without the blood. I don't know if he will come out of this or not. Pray for him. I know one thing - running from God is pointless and impossible. No matter how far he gets away from God, God is always right there with him. God doesn't give up. You need to stay strong, keep your message constant. When you have opportunities, tell him all those things you felt and how much his love meant to you and means to you. Don't believe everything he says. I believe he still does love you even though he says he doesn't. Don't listen to his words - observe his actions.

Your husband is not broken - just badly hurt. I think you are on the right track. Stay strong. When he is finally broken, he will need someone to help him get on his feet. If you are that person, he will never leave your side for the rest of his life. I truly believe that.

You are so right with everything you say, he knows i am very sorry for what i did, i have told him that many many times, and he says he has forgiven me for that. I also told him that our marriage would be much better, but of course thats hard for him to believe, and its hard for him to trust that. I will try to focus on the future and be strong for him. And keep reassuring him that i am and will be here for him.

I have already forgiven him for everything that has been going on. I never told him that, i thought if i told him that he would see it wrong... i dont know.

With the children that is somewhat of a problem, not sure how much he is aware of it. My son just wants his dad to take care of the things that need taking care of. He has not condenmed his father this much. My son just dont want to hear anything about his parents marriage anymore, says its over, he dont understand why my Husband and me just dont get it over with and done. My daughter is very hurt, and disappointed, she tried so many times to get more time with her dad, and he always told her he would be here more, but then it was how it was before. Right now, she doesnt want to see or hear from her father anymore, she says she has no father anymore. I cant tell her to pretend... she has been hurt too much. I guess its her own way of protecting herself from further hurt. They have been supportive, especially my daughter, and he seemed to have the closest tie to her, he hugs her the longest and seems sad when he does hug her. It hurt him very badly when she pushed him away a couple weeks ago and told him to get away from her. She was crying at that point in time, and he wanted to just leave after that, i went to Husband and told him, dont leave like that. And he went back into her room. There is just such an awkwardness lots of times. I dont know how to explain it. So since then he just basically fixes the laptop for them, gets them internet on the handy and other material things. Yesterday my daughter told me, dad thinks he can fix everything with materialistic things, even when i was sad in germany, cause i missed him so much, he went and got me a x-box. Why cant he see i dont want any of these things? Why did he never understand i justed wanted my dad. She is at the point, where she just wants distance from him. I wish i could make her understand, i have tried to explain it to her. But she is so hurt, and she dont want to be hurt anymore. My husband knows this to some extent, when i talked to him on the phone a few weeks back... when i was going to go back to germany and he wanted to keep the kids here with him. He told me on the phone, i know i wont be able to hold the kids very long, my son will leave me in august when he turns 18 and i know my daughter will not stay long with me either. I think he feels like they dont want him anymore, my son still sends him sarcastic remarks at times. Like " when are you gonna show up again?"

The kids feel like OW is more important to their dad than they are, that he chooses to spend time with her instead of them. My daughter even told him once under tears, you can have her for the rest of your life, you only have us for a couple more years. He got mad at her for that statement. He also told my daughter if i were to take you over to her place you would kill her. My daughter couldnt believe that her dad said that to her. Its all one huge emotional mess, and i am not sure on how to clean it all up again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

They have told him so many times, they begged and pleaded... dad come back... dad spend more time with us. When he says that he is tired all the time, and that he cant be here because of that, they think its excuses he makes, cause he is with OW. I cant ask them to ignore their own feelings... i dont want my kids to be hurt anymore either, and they are protecting themselves. I hope something happens soon, for everyones sake.

Daggi,

You can't fix this. All you can do is be there to help him when he decides that HE wants to fix it. You are doing great.

He wants things to be that badly? I dont understand that part.

I do want to believe that he still loves me, but he is distancing himself so much from me, like he has to convince himself that he doesnt love me anymore, if you know what i mean. His actions are what confuse me even more at times, i have seen days where he seems to want back and he holds on to me (very very rare). And then there are those days where he is almost pushing me out so hard, the room seems like an iceblock. Most the time though, its like the hugs and kisses are ... i dont know, nice but thats it... you know. It seems shallow, i seems to me that everything in his life is pretty shallow, nothing deep anywhere. He used to be enthuastic about his jobs, he was never one to have really deep friendships, once we lived somewhere he had friends, but once we moved those friendships always died a very fast death. I think to me he had the deepest bond he ever had with anyone, aside from his mother, but even when we are not in the states or around her, he hardly contacts her and vice versa.

I dont think he can ever leave me period. Even after all thats happened, after all thats its done to him, he could never let me go. He wants to always stay friends and keep me in his life. So i know for sure, if we make it through this, there is nothing in the world that could ever destroy this marriage again. I will go through ****** and back a million times for him.

I know that, guess i just want the pain for all to end, it has been going on for so long already, and i truely believe had i realized what was going on sooner, that he would already be back with his family again. But like they say.. its never too late.

Just talking to you gives me so much strength, especially when i start getting doubts again.