So your husband's first OW was a candy striper? What hosiptal did she work in? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding.

Stripper huh? Not much doubt about what EN's he was fulfilling there.

Well it sounds like the two of you have made a right royal mess of your marriage. No time like the present to start fixing it. As we agreed, this will not be a fast easy fix. Don't ever forget how to eat an elephant - one bite at a time. Just stay on course. You ultimately cannot make your husband's decision to come back to you for him. He has done it before. He can do it again. Stay strong.

You know as I am sitting here watching my latest downloaded Desperate Housewives, it occurred to me that there might be some similarity between your H's first OW and the current one. You say your H needs love but he is not going to find that in a stripper IMO. Just not a good basis to start a relationship. So it seems like he was trying to go for the most destructive thing he could find - the way to hurt you the most. Or himself. To be honest I am not sure which. But I think the current OW is his Kuwait version of a stripper.

hmmm... i think what he basically looks for is someone that "loves" him, and both women have given him that, i guess the stripper less than what the OW now does. He didnt talk well of the stripper either, just like he doesnt say anything good about OW now. He tells me their bad sides, which is unusual i think, as i read here on this forum and in others, that the OP is usually made out to be better than the Spouse.

Back then with the stripper, i think he felt sorry for her, he picked her up at a truck stop.. she told him about the loss of her daughter, etc. He took it upon him to make her happy again.. even by "giving" her his daughter. He too made this woman quit her job, even drove her to georgia to the establishment where she worked to make her quit. I believe he even spent christmas with her family. That all seemed very odd to me.

Right now he calls his group of friends his "brothers" and "sisters". Just like we did when we first met (he was 19 i was 16) and our friends were our family, our hold. And we called each other bro's and sis'. He wants to be important to her, he wants to provide for her, he has always shown how much he cared by providing, that was his way of doing that.

My mom has told me back then, when the first A happened, Daggi, come home, he will come after you, he loves you. And she says the same thing now, i just think things are much deeper and worse and i dont think he would just pack up and chase after me. There are too many things that would keep him here. I think thats one of the reasons why when i was getting ready to leave here, he wanted to keep the kids at any price. And that he wanted me to have the residency visa just in case so he could have me come back. I dont know, just a feeling i have, but he denies this of course. Maybe he doesnt know himself.

When i first told him i wanted to leave, about 2 weeks after i got here, and the shock still sat very deep at how he was acting with me (he had never done that before). He kept saying as soon as i get my bonus i will pay for your flight. When i wanted to talk to him about things when we split.. like what happens with the kids... visitation.. the money... and basically how everything would work, he didndt want to talk about it, said a lot can happen in two weeks, we will talk about it when we get to it.

I waited and waited, nothing happened. So i checked his bank account online and i saw that he had received the bonus, but he had never told me about it. I never told him that i knew he got the bonus and didnt ask for any money anymore for the flight. Thats when i got the offer from someone that i could use his miles and more card to get a flight out of here. And thats when i asked Husband about his card so i could pick up the ticket. And thats the one time when husband kind of broke down and said it would be like i were to leave him all over again if i left now. And that i am giving up too soon. Later on, when he was his "old self" again, he denied that he meant that in that way, and that he meant something completely different back then. He was talking about life in general... but back then we were talking about us and our marriage. Buti guess since then he has pulled back again. How come things like that only happen when he thinks he is loosing me? Why cant he talk to me about it without any threat? He is just so different when he is in an A than how i was when i was in an A. I wanted to reduce his pain as much as possible, and i thought the faster he moved on, the easier it would be for him. I dont think i will ever get any answers to any of these questions, so why bother asking them...lol

Most men like to be the knight in shining armor to rescue the damsel in distress. Some even become serial cheaters to do so. Nobody can save the world. Some do try however.

I still think your husband's behavior is more about hurting him than you. If he wants to hurt you, he puts on his best front, makes you realize what a good deal you are missing, etc. He has gone the other way. He has fallen apart. I believe his punishment is intended for himself. I don't think he wants to hurt you.

My mother had a cat. That was the most antisocial cat I had ever seen. The cat was prone to bladder infections. Every time the cat had a bladder infection, it came up in front of you and peed on the carpet. The cat knew that was the wrong thing to do but it needed help and was asking for attention. Your husband is my mom's cat plain and simple.

i just dont understand this... why would he punish himself??? I am the one that hurt him in the first place? This is the part that just doesnt compute in my brain. Do men think differently? Does he think he let me down in our marriage? Is this all part why he is not sure if it could work out between us? Sorry for all the questions, but it just doesnt make any sense, at least not to me... or is it that i am female?

I agree it doesn't make sense. I am not smart enough to know why people do it - but they do. In my case I think it may be a result of being raised by a passive-aggressive mother. [If you are reading this mom, please don't be offended but you were definitely PA. You inherited it.]

When I found out about WW's A, ask her who I punished. You can find her thread - she is "gemela". It is a lot in Spanish but you can post to her in English. I didn't go as far as your husband because I am wired slightly differently. I know I have responsibilities and I cannot remove myself from them. Otherwise I would have been on the next flight to Bangkok.

hmmm, guess its just one of those questions i might never get an answer to...lol.

I did take a glimple at your wives thread once and it was basically all in spanish, so i quit reading it not too long after i started it.

It would just be nice if WS's could come to this site, read a couple days, and "ding" a light comes on. Wouldnt that be nice.

Well nothing new here, Husband hasnt been here, cause he doesnt have the money for the rent yet, and he does not want to see the landlord if he does come by. He has let me know though and apologized. Other than that i dont know anything. So maybe he will come by today, i dont know, we'll see.

Still trying to hang in there, trying to tell myself over and over, this all will pass and we will have a happy marriage once this is all over and done with. This is the only thing that keeps me going, i have faith in this.

Maybe some former BH/WH could give me some insights and some tips on how to reach my husband.

Web forums are a little strange in the way people read them. For example, some people look at the number of posts to a thread and if the thread is quite long, many people will avoid it. Other people will only look at threads on page 1. That's why I like newsreaders - they don't have a page 1 so threads don't get "lost".

You have changed significantly since the beginning of your thread and your needs have changed also. I guess what I am saying is that, IMO, maybe it is time to let this particular thread die and start a new thread. I would start the new thread exactly with what I just quoted above from your post. Don't go into a lot of details about your situation or repeat your life's story.

You can always put a link to this thread in your signature line as a reference. Just click on the "My Home" link and edit your profile to change your signature line.

If you stay with this thread, I think most people will not see it and you may not get many responses. Just a suggestion.

thanks Traic, i might do that. I have not tried to start too many threads, since when i was in a german forum, i got my a** reamed for starting more than one thread...lol

I feel much more comfortable here, it is so much different on this site than this german forum

Just a little update, Husband was here yesterday, he was pretty down, a friend of his died yesterday in the hospital, he had meningitis. My husband and me talked a bit on the phone about it, and at the end of the conversation he actually blew a kiss through the phone. He also said that he had "someone" call the landlord and now he can pay part of the rent. Not sure if he had someone else call the landlord now, after the argument he had with OW, or if he just didnt feel like calling her by her name. I didnt ask.

When he did come by he did bring some meat (PORK!!!..lol) from on post. Then he waited over an hour downstairs for the landlord which never showed up to pay the partial rent. I sat with him a little while after he sent me a message on the cell asking if i had an envelope for the money to shove it under his door. He reached for my hand a couple times when we talked. Afterwards he came upstairs for a few minutes, by that time it was already pretty late and he needed to get some sleep. He talked to the kids, and apologized to them for all the delay in all the paperwork and the living conditions, said he is working on making it all better. He hugged and kissed all of us fairly long. He explained to the kids every step that he has taken and is taking to make it better.
The kids were very nice to him, even though my daughter "dreaded" seeing him, since she wasnt sure how she would react. But after he had left she felt much better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I also was able to tell the children that everything their father had told them was the truth, as i had seen all the paperwork in his car when he was looking for an envelope (since i didnt have one). He went through all of them right in front of me and told me what they were.
All in all i think it was all good. I didnt give him the note, i think it would have looked kind of dumb, considering his friend had just died. So i just told him i am here for you, he didnt reply to it, maybe he didnt hear it..lol... as i told him as he was hugging me.
I dont think anything can shake my faith anymore, of course when i was down i didnt think anything could pick me back up either. I dont know how i will feel in a few weeks or months. He will pay the rest of the rent on friday, and he said he will also bring some more meat from on post then.
He left me some more money as well, even though i told him we would be fine until payday. He showed me all of the money he had and said he could still exchange some dollars into KD's if i needed more. He knows i wont ask him for more unless i truely needed it. Since i been here, that has only happened once.
Oh, and once thing surprised me really. Usually when my son acts "silly", he has the weirdest sense of humor at times, my husband would react annoyed, tell him that he is stupid doing it or whatever. Last night, pretty much right before my husband left, my son did something silly again, and my husband laughed at it. Even though his friend had died, he laughed at something my son did, which normally he would have ignored at the very least. I pointed that out to my son, and it made my son happy. My son has felt in the past that his father doesnt think much of him, and doesnt accept him. So this was a very nice thing, and i was happy for that. It's the little things that make it all worth while <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{Daggi}}}}}}

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

He just called, i kinda feel like a giddy teenager...lol.. even my son said yesterday.."mom, you act and sound like a teenager in love" i just laughed and said, i guess i kinda feel like it. And you all benefit from it too, isnt it better to have this kind of mother than one that is moping around crying all the time, that cant get her butt outta bed to do anything in the house or cook? And he said "yes, this is much better".

Well Husband told me he got a one month extension on our current visas, without him having to pay the penalty fine for the one day that we were over it. So that was good, and he sounded better than yesterday. He blew another kiss on the phone and said he might drop off some more stuff off here tonight (meat). Sometimes i get a split-second of my old thought-process again, thinking... oh.... he just blew that kiss cause we are friends and thats how he wants to keep it.. yada yada yada. But i try to block them out as good as i can. Babysteps, that might lead to having my marriage back someday, believe is all that its about.

Sounds like i am giving myself pep-talks..lol. So dont mind me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

They are small steps but in the right direction. Remember a short while ago when he avoided you like the plague. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Don't forget though, he has serious personal issues he is going to have to sort out. All you can do is support him while he does that. Don't get too optimistic just yet but they are good signs. Your work looks like it is starting to pay dividends.

Remember trial and error. Experiment a little but only a little at a time. Don't believe everything he says. Watch his actions instead. People lie - even to themselves. He is giving you money, buying you non-halal meat products, he is calling, coming by, spending time with kids. Compare this to a couple of weeks ago. Good for you. More importantly, look at yourself in the mirror. Go do it right now. Are you happy with yourself?

i been reading on here again, sometimes its counterproductive cause i just stumble across the wrong threads i guess. I see so many people trying to fix their marriages even though they dont "feel any love" for their spouse. My Husband waits for the moment where he feels love for me again, bevor he would even try to work on the marriage, and that seems like such a huuuuge mountain to get across. How is he ever supposed to feel that love for me again, when he is with OW. He expects himself to wake up one day and just feel differently and then he would come back. This will never happen. Ugh.. i think i am on the darn roller coaster again as well. But its not that bad really.. its just something that really really scares me, guess i should really open that other thread, i would need some input from other FBH/FWH's on this.

I feel like telling him he could wait forever to wait for this, but i wont. I wont let myself get back to the place where i was in before. I am just afraid...

When i look in the mirror, well... no i am not happy with myself, but i have grown more confident and stronger. Somehow i still have this.. i will never be really happy without him in me, and to tell you the truth i dont think it will ever go away, or at least not in the near future.

I just cant seem to get past some comments that he made some weeks back. Those scare me, he does not want to talk to me about it. Says he feels awkward talking to me about, cause i am his wife. So i think of course they are about OW, and he does not want to hurt me. He said in time it might be easier for him to talk to me about these things, but right now he cant. Did he mean with that, if i have completely separated myself from him mentally and emotionally as his wife, and only see myself as his friend, that he then can tell me these things?

I need to get my act together again, as he might come by later. I cant let him see me in doubt again, even though i dont sit here and cry, he senses these things in me all the time.

I am just so scared at times like this, that he is just trying to let me off easy, without any big blow-outs or without any big scenes of hurt. He is like a book with 7 seals.

Gotta keep up what i been doing... i have nothing to loose.

Just stop it. Stop doubting. You are really starting to turn this around. Yes it is the rollercoaster. Remember that what is going on in this forum and the stories you read cannot apply to your sitch right now. Your husband has far bigger problems and the affair is the least of them. Forget the OW. She is a non-issue. Remember your husband has lost himself and he needs to find himself again before your M ever has a chance. One thing at a time. Stop worrying about whether your marriage will survive or not. Worry about whether your husband will survive. If he does, I am placing my money on the marriage too. Stop trying to place yourself in other peoples' situations. Your is just a bit unique. You aren't Daggi any more. You are SuperDaggi. You are doing great.

SuperDaggi? LOL i had to laugh when i read this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know that i shouldnt worry about OW, and truthfully i really dont that much, hardly at all. The thing that worries me, is that he might not find a way out of this by himself, and he wont let me or anyone else help him with that. This is the part that scares me more than anyhing.

He has been battling this for a year now, and has gotten nowhere. He just lives this life here and covers everything else up with it. He lets work and all other issues occupy him so he doesnt have to deal with anything else. And i have no clue on how to reach him. I can be nice all i want, he wont be reaching out to me. We will just comfortably fall into this friendship and this will be it. I will forever be married to a man that doesnt love me, but maybe feels an obligation or responsibilty towards me. I dont want to hurt him by leaving him, i dont want to let him down again, no matter what. So am i doomed to live this life now? His wife but yet not his wife? What happens when the kids are out of the house and he does not have an excuse for OW anymore to "take care" of me? Am i putting my own life on hold for nothing? I am willing to wait for all eternity for him, i just dont see how he would ever make a step towards me. Ok... enough of this for today... i think i go clean up the kitchen or something, i cant keep thinking about this anymore.

Think positive... think positive... i am SuperDaggi...;)

I'm right there with ya Daggi. I've been digging through other threads to find some actual success stories to this whole "be their friend and let them come to you" plan because of the same fear of sliding into "friendville" forever. Is this how you're feeling as well? I definitely sympathize with you, but at least we're not alone in this fear.

I don't see why my wife would come back to me now or in the future unless I suddenly make myself more physically attractive on top of giving her reasons to believe our relationship would be different (I think I've met that second requirement of her thinking our relationship would be different than before). Even then its not at all unlikely that I still couldn't compete with the excitement and butterflies she gets from dating someone new that she doesn't know everything about. I suppose my wife being 22 (I'm 24) puts me in a slightly different situation, though. I feel that if she somehow did regain a physical attraction to me, that she'd get the same butterflies with me as she does with some new guy she barely knows. I just don't know how to regain that raw physical attraction other than bulk up, get ripped, get tan and get some new clothes. Bulking up is probably the hardest thing to do for a thin guy such as myself, so I'm not sure what to do to get her physical attraction back.

You graciously took time to post encouragement in my thread, now it is my turn to return the favor. If you decide this is something you want to continue pursuing, you can do this. Whether it works or not isn't under your control, but whether you do absolutely everything you can IS up to you.

Hi Herb,

i dont think its the physical attratction that she has lost in you Herb, i think women in general dont go so much by how someone looks. There was something lacking in your relationship and i honestly dont believe it was the physical attraction. Has she ever mentioned something during the marriage? Its usually that the woman feels neglected somehow, it was the same way with me. I just feel like i was number 1 anymore, i felt like i was number ...heck i dont know... A woman likes to feel special, and that doesnt mean you buy her gifts everyday. It means that instead of sitting on the computer, you spend time with her, and i dont mean you have to take her out to all sorts of places, or talk for 5 hours on end. Its more the little things, i dont know how to explain it better.
I withdrew from my husband cause i felt unloved, cause i felt like so many other things were more important to him. That made me believe he didnt love me as much anymore, that was my perception, and it was wrong, but instead of trying to talk to him about it, in a good way, instead of accusing him, which of course led to arguements, i withdrew more and more, i protected myself and my feelings so i wouldnt hurt anymore not being number 1 in his book. This didnt happen from one day to the next, it was a slow process. At this stage i started doubting my whole life, i was depressed i wanted something else out of life, i wanted to FEEL loved. Dont get me wrong, when we did spend time together, he was the most loving person you can imagine, it just didnt add up in my mind that when he was gone all week (due to his job), that he spent more time on his computer than with me. I had missed him so much during the week, and it seemed to me that he didnt miss me at all. It was all one big misunderstanding, that we never got taken care off.
My guess is that your wife has withdrawn as well, she is vulnerable at that point, because she is looking for something that she has been missing. When i was vulnerable like this, there was this guy that i met, we were just friends, we talked a lot (when we met he was lovesick, cause he has just lost his online girlfriend). So i comforted him for hours on end. After a while we started talking more, and i told him that i wasnt happy in my marriage. Big mistake, i didnt see the signs at all, had no clue what was happening here. When he told me that he loved me, i was first shocked, that was the furthest from my mind, but it had opened the door. And a few days later i told him the same thing. I wasnt in love... i was just not lonely anymore, i felt important to someone, someone thought i was important enough to spend time with me. And that is what i had missed for some time. He was there...

Something was missing in her life, Herb, and that is what she is looking for, she might have defined herself through this marriage and the love you two had. I know i did, and when i felt this was gone, i had lost myself. I was searching, i thought i should be happy now, now that i was with this guy, he gave me what i needed, right? But something was always amiss... i stayed depressed, started having thoughts of suicide, neglected my children. As long as my husband was still living with us, it wasnt so bad, but once he left, i fell really deep, but i didnt understand at all what was going on, i just clung to that other relationship and wanted all that out of it that i had in my marriage, but it wasnt there. I wish i would have had people talk to me more pro-marriage, instead all the bad things that i justified my affair with, i told everyone and people supported my choice to want out of the marriage. They didnt talk to my husband to see if i said was right or wrong, they just took my word for it. So all this time, i got positive feedback from everyone, things like.."whatever you do, we respect your decision and we think its for the best of you, you are right in doing what you are doing"

So i had to wake up on my own, and it was a rough and cruel awakening. I know so much more today, but my husband doesnt, he doesnt talk, nor does he want to hear about any website, because for him it makes no sense to work on a marriage if he doesnt feel love for the person. He said he would rather live alone than with a woman that he doesnt love. So this is where my pessimism comes from, love doesnt just come back, it is the committment to stay in the marriage, to work on it.. and then over time all the feelings that once were in the marriage... the love, the closeness... the trust... will all come back over time.

To tell you the truth, when i see my husband, there is love there, yes. But its not the same as it was when we were married, because the closeness is missing. When we made love, i didnt feel what i was supposed to feel, it was empty. I think him and me have both been looking for this closeness, but it was gone and i think it saddened and frustrated us both. Today i know, it can only come back if we both work on it. But i cant tell him that, i am not strong enough for it. I would start crying again, i know i would... and he would back out.
To him its all about feelings, he is waiting for the day that his love for me miracously returns, as it has for me. He doesnt understand it wasnt the same kind of love that returned, that would take time to come back. We have been living apart for over 2 years now. There is no more closeness, and if things stay the way they are, there never will be.
I am at the point where i see no point in persuing this anymore. He is not open to anything like this. And i doubt he ever will be. Even if he were to break it off with her, he wouldnt come back if he didnt feel love for me, he has told me so... he dont understand that it would come back...

He isnt as happy as he was back then with me, but he rather takes what he has right now, then to jump into unknown waters, risk loosing the person he has feelings for right now, for someone that he doesnt love. He doesnt understand that it would all come back... and me trying to fill his needs... wont work... because he blocks me off as long as he is with her, but he wont leave her unless he feels love for me. Its a never-ending cycle that cant be broken...

I have always felt like he would like to have all this back... but he can only see it coming back if he loves me. Otherwise there is no chance for us in his eyes... its a hopeless case.

Wow. You just described my situation to a "T". Its kind of odd, though, because my wife seems to be a combination of both you and your husband.

Everything you said about not feeling appreciated is spot on. Every man in my family teases their wives constantly... they giggle and even laugh hysterically, but now I know that it chips away at them. I used to joke and play that she bugged the ****** out of me in front of others. It was 100% a joke. I always valued her more than anything. I told her all of the time that it was joking and I wasn't serious and that she'd miss my teasing if I ever stopped. This plus not meeting her financial needs plus speaking the wrong love language and she slowly found herself exactly as you described... feeling like she was missing something. She feels as though she has lost herself and HAS to be on her own, dating other people to find herself.

This new guy is definitely giving her what she thinks she needs. For a few days there, from what her sister said, this new guy had backed off her and started ignoring her a bit. This is when she started putting up away messages of being in a horrible mood. She even told me on AIM that she was suddenly in a bad mood and that it'd been happening a lot lately and she didn't know why. All of her friends, I'm certain, are telling her the same things you were told... that she needs to find herself and do whatever makes her happy.

So, she's feeling almost identically to how you were. Now, though, she's more like your husband. She feels no feelings of being in love with me and sees no reason to go back to me until she magically has an attraction for me again. I'm hoping that making myself more physically attractive lights that spark of attraction enough so that she would want to go out sometime. I'm absolutely positive we'd hit it off if we did go out and she genuinely had an attraction to me.

I sympathize completely with the cycle you are in. As long as she has some guy chasing her (which will always be true, she's beautiful), filling her need for attention and keeping her from being depressed, she will always take that bird in the hand over when she feels no love for me. As soon as this thing with the first guy burns out, she will, within minutes, be on the phone with the next guy setting up a date to avoid that depression of not having someone meeting her need for attention. When we were splitting up, when I was still making horrible mistakes on exiting without LBs, I point-blank told her that she needs to be by herself, not dating any guys, if she wants to find herself. I told her that I know that she will still bounce from guy to guy to fill that need she has for always having a man around to validate her self-worth. It obviously didn't have any effect at the time because of all the poor decisions I'd been making... but it wouldn't do any good to hear it from me now either. She has NO ONE to suggest that this is true to her either. I truly hope that she feels something is missing with this new guy as you felt with your OM. Unfortunately, I think she will just chalk it up to him not being right for her and continue right on with the next guy in an attempt to find one that IS right for her. Well guess what.. I'M right for her.

So, my wife is out there chasing guys trying to validate her self-confidence because I didn't while we were married. I put myself here and I take responsibility for it. I just don't know how to get her back so that *I* can be the one validating her self-worth every single day. She has no interest in me being that person for her because:

A) she feels like she has to force herself to find herself and she feels that she can't do that while she's with me

B) she's hooked on this first new guy and the adrenaline rush she gets from him being attracted to her and wanting her. she honestly believes she's genuinely attracted to him but has no idea that its because he's giving her attention. It could be any loser on the planet giving her attention and she'd eat it up and feel genuinely attracted to the guy regardless of all of the reasons she shouldn't be

C) the lure of the possibility that the next guy she goes out with will be better for her than I was

D) she says being madly in love is what she eventually wants but "isn't for her right now"

Well, she and I were madly in love for a long time there before we got married. If the end goal of being madly in love with someone was something WE had together, then why search through guy after guy to find it somewhere else. I don't get that and I don't think I ever will. All of what I'm doing is in hopes that she will realize that... that she's looking for a guy who is "right" for her and that she already knows I am that guy.

Any of this sound familiar? Not trying to hijack your thread here, just trying to compare notes and see if we can learn something from one another's situations. The basic problems are the same with different variables here for age, distance, living together and having children. I'm also getting to a point where I'm not sure there is anything to pursue here. Should I waste the next 6 months... maybe even 2 years of my youth (I'm 24. this is prime time for me to be out there dating and finding a wife) waiting for her to come to the realization that the right guy she's looking for is me? Is she worth it? ****** yes, if I knew that someday she definitely would realize that. If I had some time travel machine to know for sure that in exactly 3 years she'll realize that what she wants is what I am, I'd definitely wait 3 years. But its the opposite... everything points to the possibility that she will never realize that I am the "right" guy she is looking for. I can't sit around, pining away for her for years on end wasting the better years of my life for something that probably won't happen.

I'm going to cross-post this into my thread as well to see if anyone has any feedback.

Herb, when i was in my EA, i told my Husband that i didnt love him, and that i wanted him to get on with his life and find someone else, cause i didnt feel love for him anymore. So in a way i was in the same situation that my husband is in now, he is just handling everything so much different than i did, and i am not sure if its because there is a difference in how males and females deal with something like this, or what it is. In general i think he is a much better person than i am, the things i had to learn the hard way, were already part of his personality. I alsways thought i was such a "good" person, when in truth i really wasnt. He was and is a much better person than me, i am learning and i am getting there. I know i do owe my husband a huge thank you... and one ****** of an apology.

So the way your wife feels right now, is not so much a mix out of my husband and myself. She is basically feeling the same thing everyone feels that looks for something and ends up in an affair or developes feelings for someone, reguardless whether it ends up in an affair or not. Have you heard from her again?

I too wish i had a time machine, as the feeling of staying and waiting is very strong for me, but since i been living alone for over two years (the first year i was in my EA but i still missed having someone there physically). I long to have someone to wake up with... just not to be alone anymore. This has been the hardest part. I know if i were to have a PA, my Husband would have even a harder time finding his way back to me. I was a virgin when we married, and he has been the only man that i ever had *** with. I know this would be very difficult for him to get over if i were to get together with someone. So i am taking one day at a time, telling myself one day closer to being with him again. I dont know if its going to be another 10, 100, 1000 or more days that i will have to wait, and i dont know how i will deal with it or get through it. I take one day at a time. Noone knows what the future brings, we can just either have faith and enough strength to try or we can give up and move on. That is our decision. I believe that him and me could be very happy again someday. But the choice is his and there is nothing i can do about it.

Not sure what is happening... lately i have been "different", i dont really know what is going on. I feel like i finally have all the answers for myself why and what happened in my marriage. I feel a kind of peace that have come over me since. It is really strange though, because i dont really know what is happening to the feelings i have for my husband. They are ... different. I still am committed to the marriage, because i know if we would both commit to it, we could get it back to how it was... well not how it was, that would lead to doom. But the feelings would be back... and our marriage would be better. But i am not holding on to my marriage anymore because of the feelings that i have for my Husband right now, am i distancing myself from him again? Or is it the fact that i know myself so much better now that i feel different? I dont really know where it is all coming from.

I know i have already forgiven my husband for everything that has been going on after my affair. Is that strange? Does that mean i dont care anymore? Do i still love him?
In a way... the slate is clean for me right now, i have come to terms with my own past and myself. I have come to terms that he is choosing this life right now. It is really strange, before i always had the feeling that we would be back again for sure someday, now this has changed, but not because of something he did, but because i feel differently... I look at it differently, and i am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I dont know how we should actually find back together again if this change in me continues. I dont wait for his phonecalls anymore, its like i have detached myself. Is that bad? Is that the end? Or do we both have to get to that point to have a chance to start over. This change in me is good for me, i have been feeling better about myself, i feel strong again and selfconfident. I am just not sure what all this means for my marriage...

hmmm... guess it makes just as much sense thinking about this then it did thinking about why everything happened... Well maybe it does... after all i did find the answers to why everything happened... took me a couple years...lol.. but i did. Maybe i will feel differently again in a few days or weeks... who knows...