FWH had his EA with his HS sweatheart for 4 months last summer and fall until I found out. He did all the usual stuff, denial, anger etc when I exposed him to her husband, my parents, friends, etc. It was the exposure to my parents that worked. He admitted that it was wrong, he was sorry and that it was an EA. Since then we are up and down. Most of the ups and downs are driven by me. I go for weeks without being upset over this. I have never yet had a day go by that I have not remembered and thought about it. Sometimes I still go back and read all their emails. The last few days it feels like it just happened again. Why does that happen? No real triggers, it just raises it's ugly head in my mind. We had a huge fight this morning...lots of name calling, yelling. I mentioned his affair and he blew up.

He said I am a psycho and "need help" if I am not over this by now. I asked him what he thought he has done to make me feel like this is over. He said, "I told you I was sorry" (once) and that should be it I guess. He told me I live in the past (HA! HE and OW sure were living out their past in the 60 emails and countless cell phone calls until they got caught).

I am certain that there has been no contact. I just wonder if maybe I am crazy because this pain WILL NOT go away. I can't imagine that it EVER will.

Has anyone been through this? Offer suggestions? Thank you

You are absolutely normal. It takes about 2 years before you will feel mostly good again. That is just the way it is.

It has been 3 years for me, and my life is wonderful again. We did not recover our marriage, and I am over WH. But I still think about things from time to time. I don't want WH back, but some of the painful things never seem to go away.

Someone who hasn't gone through this has no idea.

U R stuck in limbo land because you don't have closure. He isn't giving it to you so you'd better go get it. How?

You can rip if out of him but that won't leave much to live with. LOL!!!

You can ask like you did but seems like he isn't being very helpful, or......

You can go get some phone cousneling from Steve @ MB and get a plan.

Have you both taken the EN questionnaire? See if he will do it.

Let him know that he is still in the Xws status and not H status...yet. He could slip back into the WS status and the same song will play again. Don't give any details, just make the statement.

Let him know it is his job to help in your recovery. A single apology is not enough especially since the A happened on more than 1 occassion. Those e-mail counts are evidence of that. 60+ e=mails? The OW in our case did that much in 1 week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> So his apologies had better double the amount of contact via e-mails and phone calls + whatever else put them in contact....... if he wants back into your good graces.

Then let him know that for as long as the A went on, your recovery will take at least triple that IF he is working hard to help you. If he doesn't it will take longer if it takes at all.

See put the onis on him t/b responsible. After all, he took himself out there, not you.

If he gets gun shy or say it's too hard....you'd better have a plan B back up plan. You don't want a whiney H, you want your real H back....the one who you can love and will love and support you. Nothing less.


L.

Oh, yeah, I'm a psycho, too. Been called that on a number of occasions. And I'm also told I need professional help.

Why? For the same reasons you (supposedly) do -- because your (F)WH has dumped the entire process of healing and recovering on you and coldly refuses to help clean up the mess he made. That's why you are so angry and that's why you don't feel safe with him.

He is willing to let you suffer rather than go through the discomfort of facing what he did and helping you recover. Who wouldn't be freaked out at trying to live with somewhat like that?

Unless and until he is willing to pick up his share of the recovery load, you are never going to feel safe with him.
Mulan

Wow. I was called one too! I guess I am in incredible company...lol!

My xh said one month...ONE MONTH AFTER DIVORCE WAS FINAL AND RIGHT BEFORE OW DROPPED THE BABY...that I should be over things?

Wha whaaaa?

I mean...two years of pure hades? 3 years of d days? Mental images burned into MY hard drive(brain)? I am sorry...I will be an 80 year old lady and still remember his poo he did...

and why?

he never made REPARATIONS for his actions. No sorry. No behavior change despite divorce. Just as Orchid once put, he was like a drunk driver out there driving around as fast as he could...hitting people along the road and plowing ahead just causing more wrecks...He was not about healing or sorry or anything. It is/was all about him.

I suggest if your XWS is not helping YOU out with the healing, you bring it 100 percent to his attention. Call MB and talk to them there.

You're carrying this load alone. And it's a mighty one to carry as I know unfortunately too well. You gotta drop the load. Your WS needs to pick this one up for you as HE CREATED THE MESS.

One person alone can't heal a couple. You can't shoulder the burden of all of it.

And if he is still MENTALLY A WS? MAYBE PLAN B TIME? You know they can still mentally be a WS...that is if they aren't really repentant or sorry...and are simply SORRY THEIR SORRY ARSES GOT CAUGHT...if you know what I mean?

Show me a woman that HASN'T been called psycho by some

M A N !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

that's just their way of saying...

dude..you are way to deep for me..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
and i better shut you up now..."

(I think that may be my first and only man bashing gross general statement.....)

I must admit it felt kind of good..

but then again I don't need no man to tell me I'm PSYCHO!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I remember hearing this too and gave this word picture..

Say my H ran over me with the car. Both arms, legs and back were broken...on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, he profusely apologized. I accepted his apology. Acceptance of that apology doesn't erase the incident, doesn't heal the bones and mend the deep gashes. Only time will get me back to normal. Gentle care and assistance will be required. The help of a professional whose expertise will guide me through the healing (counselor) and his (H) help during recovery is required.

Calling you names and arguing are doing nothing but re-opening of old wounds. Give him that word picture and find a good counelsor..maybe then he'll begin to get it.

And...calling a woman "psycho" is a man's way of saying, 'I'm not intelligent enough to communicate with you on your level so I'll bring you down to my level' (hehehe)

You are going through a PERFECTLY NORMAL grieving process. You will be almost obsessed with it for MONTHS and MONTH as you attempt to heal and place this traumatic shock in its proper perspective. This is HOW you heal. And I am sorry to say that you will not heal over night. The first YEAR will be very hard. After that it get easier.

But your H needs to understand that it will take 18 to 24 months to heal from his affair and that if you are willing to keep him, then the LEAST he can do is do whatever it takes to help you heal. You did not volunteer for this, after all.

sick, the only pain I have ever experienced that was as painful as an affair was the death of my son. The pain you are experiencing is JUST AS BAD as the death of a child. It is the greatest betrayal a spouse can commit. So, don't let anyone convince you there is something wrong with you for grieving, there is something VERY RIGHT with grieving a traumatic shock.

We have been in counseling but I don't feel like we ever really get to issues. Things will be fine for awhile. Actually, they are fine as long as I don't ever bring up anything. If I try to talk about it all I get is, "It's over and done with". Glad he can just walk away from this, I just seem stuck.

This afternoon I left the house to help a friend. She lost her husband a year ago and we looked at some pictures of him. I felt bad about our arguement and our youngest boys are at a sleep over tonight. I think the last date night we had was Nov or Dec. When I came home I talked to him for a minute and then asked him if he wanted to go see a movie. His response? NO!

I don't think this marriage is going to survive this affair. I just feel very alone and empty. If I KNEW we could make it around this corner I would hang in there for another long year, but he refuses to acknowledge any pain that this has caused. I should have stayed at ny girlfriends house.

ML, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine! My oldest leaves for infintry in a couple of weeks and to Iraq in August. He will be gone for a total of 17 months. I think of how long THAT is. I cannot even imagine what you had to go through. My heart and prayers to you!

Thanks, sick, but I wanted to convey to you the gravity of the shock you have suffered.

What do you think has happened in your marriage to drive such a wedge here? I know the affair was a huge wedge, but you no doubt, were not close before that happened. What was your marriage like before the affair?

And have y'all taken the EN questionaires? Lovebusters questionaires?

The marriage has always had it's ups and downs due to his alcoholism. He no longer drinks but carried a lot of the behavior that he did when he drank. Lots of yelling, denial of just about anything wrong, name calling...

We went to counseling and things were remarkably better. Wonderful, in fact. WHILE in counseling he started his email/cell phone EA with his HS girlfriend. They saw each other at his father's funeral this summer and it just took off.

We completed the questionnair and gave them to the couselor just when I found out about the affair and exposed. We have never sat down to go through it together. I have asked him over and over but he doesn't have any interest.

Part of the problem is that he is on an afternoon shift and I work traditional business hours. He leaves for work before I get home and gets back in around 1:00 am after I am asleep. That leaves everything to be talked about on the phone and weekends. This schedule is not working, of course, so he is supposed to go on days any week now.

Do you go to Alanon? Does he go to AA?

I have gone for quite a long time. I haven't been for awhile though. Once we made it through that part of the counseling and I truely let go of all the anger I was at peace with all of that. And I still am, actually. He only went to a few AA meetings. He did only what the court required, nothing more.

That is sad, because I probably don't have to tell you that this is much greater than a marital problem. He has living problems that are pretty common with most alcoholics. If he simply stopped drinking and never learned how to live, then he is, what we call, a dry drunk.

Its almost a shame that he stopped drinking because that prevents him from hitting a bottom that would motivate him to get the help he needs.

But at least you understand, via Alanon, that you can't change him. Alanon is usually pretty good at busting up any illusions about that. The question then becomes, can you accept him how he is?

Yes, sadly, that IS the question.

The most painful thing about it is all the hard work that went into the counseling, forgiving and detaching from the pain of his drinking days was followed by this affair. And through it all, he still honestly feels that I am the one with the problem because I "live in the past" and/or "can't move on". He creates troubles in his life and than cannot understand why I get upset. Then he gets angry with me and the cycle goes on. Things were getting so much better and I got slammed with the EA.

FWH and I have very little time to spend together due to our work schedules. After the exposure of his EA and a talk with my Dad, he agreed to do what it took to work days. His employer has promised this would happen in March. So far, it hasn't happened but he assures me that it will. D day was Oct and exposure was done in Nov. It's been a long time since Nov but I believe it will happen still.

While on this crazy schedule, we only have every other weekend to be together. He spends the mornings sleeping, usually until around 10:30 or 11:00. I hate that, but he does have to catch up on his sleep.

Usually though, we spend these two weekends a month at odds with each other. Last night was the first sleep over the little guys have ever gone on. We could have gone somewhere, spent time together but we are not talking to each other. That is how almost every weekend together ends up. Maybe his shift change will ruin us in the end. If we can't get along on 2 weekends a month, I am scared about how it will be every night!

But this is how all of our disagreements go. He gets mad,yells, swears, name calls and then it is always my fault. If I hadn't said this, if I hadn't said that, if I would just grow up and get over his EA we wouldn't fight. Then, each and every time we go through the weekend not speaking, and this goes on into about Wednesday and sometimes for the entire week.

I am at such a loss right now. Today, he will sleep, I will pick up the boys and we will spend the rest of the day w/o speaking. It eats me up and upsets me so much. I hate this marriage.

He sounds like a typical alcholic. I think that is your main problem, sick. He has never learned how to live sober so there is still an enormous amount of anger in his life because he has never filled the hole that was left when he quit drinking. He exhibits an alcoholic mentality where people are only valuable in how they personally beneifit him, they are not valued as individuals to be cared about.

He is doing none of the basic things that are required to maintain a marriage. There is no care or thought put into maintaining it. But, as is always the case with an alcoholic, he will do what he is allowed to get away with.

I don't blame you for hating it.

We have been going to a mc for a year and a half. He is now in IC and I have left the MC, with the consent of the counselor, until he works on his own issues. IC and I felt that MC at this point was useless until he got through the issues of his dad's death and other family of origin stuff. I just don't see any improvement. He refuses to share anything that he discusses with IC, what they are working on, etc. I see no improvement at all.

He is reasonable when he talks to other people, like my parents or the MC or people at work. With me, it is a different story. He blames everything on other people and most often that is me.

I was thinking...if the A is like an addiction, would a plan B work here? Instead of stating until you leave the OW (because I do truely believe that this is over) and want to committ to this marriage I am dark, I state that until you are ready to committ to the marriage, AT ALL, I am dark?

What do you think about this idea?