My WH would tell me the same thing. He would tell me "Get over it!" "Deal with it!" It's funny how they inflict all of this pain on you and want you to get over it ASAP. I told him that when he says this it's like stabbing someone several times and then demanding that they don't cry out because of the pain. You will feel okay one day, and feel bad the next. You H has to understand your your up and down emotions is part of the grieving process.

I am diasppointed, but not suprised, that his IC is not sending him to AA to learn how to live. Any C worth his salt, knows that an alcoholic needs AA because the C can't give him what he would gain there. Counselors call we AA people all the time to carry thier clients to meetings. Our treatment center has a list of our names.

Would it be possible to find a MC who is FAMILIAR with alcoholism?

I think the first step is to decide what you want to do. Do you want to try and save this? Because if you do, I think the natural first step would be to have a heart to heart with him and let him understand that he is destroying your feelings for him and that you can't live like this.

I am not an expert on these specific issues, but I do feel concern for your safety. One who will be as verbally abusive as your H may well resort to physical abuse, and I believe yours and the childrens' safety must be paramount. I would agree that the alcoholism is the core problem at the moment. It may require him to hit the absolute rock bottom before he begins to desire any type of change. You may need to separate physically from him for all of the above reasons. THAT may be the only motivator he understands, and you can begin to work on your own healing. As long as he can rely on the status quo, he will not attempt any change.

The thing is, when I researched for this new IC in nov of 2004, I SPECIFICALLY searched for someone familiar with alcohol issues. THAT was the reason I was going back then in the first place. As I am writing this I am getting madder and madder abount the condition of this situation and what I am seeing as a lack of direction from the IC.

In fact, while we were both seeing the IC seperately and jointly during his affair, the IC wanted to ASSURE me that he knew nothing of the affair and that he would have told me about it if FWH had ever mentioned it. I absolutely believe the IC on that. He went on to say that he felt VERY betrayed as well that the affair began and continued all the while we were working on all of these issues. He said that he considered stopping the therapy to FWH because of the betrayal but that he felt much compassion for my husband's overwhelming grief. Since that tine, most of the counseling focus' on this issue. We are fast coming up to the one year mark of his last visit with his dad and then the anniversary of his death. FWH will need my support then, but it will be very hard. It will ALSO be the anniverary of the beginning of his affair with her.

FWH has absolutely no concern over that pain for me. He says it is nothing compared to losing his dad and that I just don't know how bad that is yet as I have not lost either of my parents. I am certain that I will grieve deeply when that time comes, but I am also certain that I will function and most absolutely NOT have an affair!

What do I want? I have these adorable, wonderful sons that I want to grow up healthy, happy and well-adjusted. I know that will not happen in an alcoholic house. I also know that I cannot continue this way. I divorced my first husband 14 years ago (for A LOT less than this) and raised my older boys alone. I did a magnificant job then, and I can do it again. I am sure that my current husband will be wicked and vengeful due to his alcoholic issues though. I didn't have any of those problems with my first husband. I am afraid that he will make it very painful for them.

I have had that heart to heart with him several times over the last decade. The last time was what brought him to agree to the current IC. I KNOW that he would like to be healthier and happier. I know that he loves me and does not want to divorce. However, he does not see that he has an alcohol problem because he is not drinking. He is a relationship freeloader. The only thing that I have not done (that I can think of) is to actually file for divorce. If I did that, there would be no looking back. All h#ll will break loose. This is his third marriage BTW. The first two left him because he was an active alcoholic at the time. I brought that up once, to make him see where we were headed. He just became irate and thought it was a cheap shot on my part. I honestly didn't intend it to be, I was just gasping at straws to make him see the road ahead.

sfjaj, thank you for your concern. Just to put your mind at ease, if there was EVER even the slightest indication that he would hurt me or the boys we would be LONG gone. If that were ever to have happened it would have happened a long time ago when he was actively drinking

And, just to be sure that I am being clear, this does not happen all the time. It happened all the time when he drank. He stopped drinking 7 years ago. Now it happens here and there. While it is not constant, it brings considerable damage when he does do it. And lately that is more and more frequently. It has made me wonder if he is sneaking beer on his ride home. I also wonder if it's just that we are coming up on the anniversary of his dad's death. Either way, it is completely unacceptable to me.

I just don't know what to do about it, short of just leaving him and going through the ****** of an ugly divorce.

I was just called a psycho the other day myself told I really need to seek professional help because I have something seriously wrong within my head......I just laughed at him and said oh was I the one who unzipped my pants.....I don't think so....then I said to him didn't you unzip your pants twice for an unsuccessfuly BJ....he then said I knew I was making a mistake and I couldn't get it up becuase I was thinking about you and how much I love you....really is that what you were thinking....

We are currently in couples therapy and the therapist said to him point blank I want to see you on your own......so we'll see what that brings.....

sick, leaving him may be the very thing that wakes him up. I am sorry to say that it was the ONLY THING that woke me up. If he sees that you won't tolerate his behavior, that is often the shock that is required to make him change. And another thing to consider is that his behavior is making him just as MISERABLE as it is making you. If he is forced to knock it off, he would be so much happier.

Another thing you should understand about an alcoholic is that even though we act much differently, they are really EXTREMELY DEPENDENT upon their enabling spouses. They are like children in grown up bodies and count on their Alanon to be there to take care of and protect them. So, the prospect of losing that enabler is a HUGE SHOCK to the alcoholic.

You sound like me. Although my WH never punched me or broke bones, I allowed way too many threats and too much chaos.

Again, you could be writing my story here. It's almost never all the time and, in my case, after it began to increase back toward the drinking level, I found out my WH was drinking/using again. And, you're right, it's completely unacceptable no matter what the reason.

Since it sounds like you've already told him his behavior is hurtful and he basically belittles you, this may be what it takes - either he'll get back to AA or it's likely to get worse.

It helped me to remind myself of this fact when taking harsh action.

Very true, though they don't want us codependents to know this, but a change in your behavior can have a lot more impact than you realize.

I went to the alanon meeting. It was fine. I started to think though...do I have to ALWAYS go? Forever? Will I always be in some state of recovery due to his dry drunk behavior/his alcoholic days? His EA?

I just don't know if I want to invest that much into someone who, though he tells me he loves me, has so many life issues. I love him, we have children, but really, how much work do I have to do before I just having nothing left?

sick, Al-Anon is for you, as well as for your marriage. It's hard at first to see how you've been affected by another person's alcoholism in ways that will stay with you whether the relationship survives or not. One of the 12-step slogans is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Almost anything seems overwhelming if you think you have to do it "forever" and today is the only day we can do anything about. Since we're probably always in some state of recovery or growth as long as we're alive, think of this as where you are today. The only way you can change your relationship is to change yourself, and the changes you make will benefit you, your children, and your marriage. Rehashing the past and worrying about the future just keep us stuck.