I am not the OW. I am the one who kept a child I conceived with another man while still married.

I was documented as infertile when I was still a teenager. Some may give rise to their eyebrows and comment on my fortunes to not needing to take the pill my whole life, while some may nod and cast their eyes downward in acknowledgment at the memory of having a monthly bloody reminder that natural selection had selected me out.

It was not supposed to happen. We had initially used protection at the beginning of the A, but we ran out and I convinced him it would never happen.

The A lasted only 3 ish months. We had know each other almost 10 years. My best friend, he and I used to hang out together. There were even pictures on the wall in the house of all three of us. How could I let this happen?

He got really nasty really quick. Without ever discussing what to do calmly he told me to have an abortion and reunited with his long separated ex girlfriend in the same breath. As my H was willing to father the child he wanted NC.

I was stupid. I persisted that bio=parent and it rubbed my philosophies to think otherwise. He insisted NC, but his parents wanted C if I let them. I was stupid again.

More time=deeper misery. H's support waning if I continue C with bio and fam. Very scared to be abandoned again. What if unable to produce again for H? Not sure what to do. Feeling manipulated and discovering deceptions on bio's side. Confront bio, shot down, called hostile and uncooperative. Made to feel like the problem and unworthy of raising child. Lied to, slandered about, accused of untrue nastiness, accused of planning pregnancy, accused of plot to trap bio, accused of with holding child from bio, accused of expecting bio to know how to hold new baby, accused of not letting bio hold new baby. Accused of accusing them of accusations.

I'm feeling betrayed and abandoned by bio. I'm feeling loved and accepted by H. I'm feeling manipulated and deceived by bio. I'm feeling safe and wanted by H. I'm fearing deception by bio toward child. I'm learning unconditional love and life by H towards child.

I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm scared. I don't know where my effort should be, I know what the right thing for the family is. I give bio one last chance. I am cornered, child is taken from me, they hit me with their words of contempt and hate. I am to blame. I did this to myself. I kept the child. I forced them to tell me I caused all the misunderstandings, all the problems, all the drama. I'm told to face it, I was going to be a single divorced mom with an illegitimate child, I need them. I am sick to my stomach. What have I done?! Maybe the child really is better off with someone else. They bio's parents musically mime that they will take the child if I don't want him anymore.... Why am I still breathing?

I step away. I can’t be crazy, I have a journal. They come here. Lip service from the bio. The parents trap me in the parking lot. They want my son and it will cost me allot more than them in court to keep him. I tell them to step away.

H is furious. How could I speak with them alone again? It's three against one!!?! I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm not bleeding. I am with child again. She saves us! The children are safe now. I begin to breath again, to live, to enjoy, to laugh, to love, to feel the family as its own entity, to find solace after the shame. We are one again. We are whole. It is over now, it has past.

The legal papers arrive. I am bleeding.

It is three against one. They win access at their beck and call. They win access to our lives, to our marriage, to our family, to our safety. We are no longer whole. We are no longer one. We are no longer past.

I failed first to give into the inhibition. I failed second to give into bio=parent, I failed third to doubt my H, I failed forth to doubt myself. I failed completely at every step of the way to protect my son. Were they right?

Will my son ever forgive me? He is no more than a baby. Where do I belong?

one, glad you found your way here. This board can be slow on the weekend so be patient. How long has the A been over? How is the recovery process going with your H. There are three men that post on this board in your H's position and at least one FWW (former Wayward Wife)that has an OC (other child)that her H is raising as his. Hang around and I am certain you will get great help.

It ended on 1 Jan 04. Happy New Year, and get out of my apartment now.

Recovery for him has been easier than for me. I guess that sounds surprising and it surprises me too when I read those words, but it is true. He made the decision to try and work things out. I was just too numb to feel most days. No one can expect that there would not be set backs, but allot of the recovery came from sharing the emotions of our childhoods. In fact, I knew next to nothing about his childhood until we started to talk about our emotions after the crisis. My H is the quiet but emotionally strong type, and a very devoted person. Even when I was staying with the bio though my H and I had begun talking again and started to reconnect on a few levels. We had agreed to get together to work some things out in person only for me to find out 4 days before our arranged meeting that I was expecting. After all we had been through, how does one tell their husband they are expecting another mans child? It was the baby news that really messed me up.

My H and I had been through invetro already only a few years earlier. We gave up. We drifted apart. We are not spring chickens anymore. Becoming pregnant while doing something I had never dreamed I would find myself doing, well.... I felt guilty and ashamed about wanting to be happy about the baby and being pregnant. Sometimes I would catch myself actually feeling ' a glow' and I would quickly wipe the smile off my face. How dare I be happy about what I did. I don’t exactly feel that way now, but I did then.

The child is a miracle marred by tragedy. My feelings of guilt kept me from bonding with my H and I protected myself by keeping contact with bio. At least, that is what I thought I was doing at the time – protecting my and the child’s interests. I was so entrenched in the idea that bio=parent that I did not see that parent does not equal bio. I tried desperately to involve the bio, sent photos, paid for the flights to visit, arranged to be there when he would have the most time off work, talked for hours on the phone about his old/new girlfriends, sent updates often about the child, etc, etc, etc. He was just not interested if it conflicted with his personal agenda, and he just forwarded all the emails of pictures and info to his parents anyway. In fact, after the fist visit he said to make all arrangements with his folks cause it did not matter to him if I visited anyway….

I could write a book. I’m sure most here could. I feel I already have written several chapters the past couple of days. I broke a nail typing earlier.

Bio-father's parents said this?

Do you live in the US? If so, in most states, your H is automatically considered the legal father because the child was conceived and born while M. If your H doesn't contest paternity himself, then the bio-father will have a legal fight on his hands.

Don't let the bio-father's parents threats scare you-- I don't know about the laws in other countries, but if you are from the states, they are spouting a bunch of crap to intimidate you.

If you and your H haven't already done so, get yourself to a good family law attorney, and get some facts regarding your type of situation.


Steer clear of xom and his family at least until you and your H decide how you'd like to proceed.

I am not in the USA.

We have already been to court, but the proceedings are not complete. We heard all the testimony from their side first. Our day is coming up shortly.

They all denied the confinement and the bio’s dad denied taking my son from me. They all had the same story of us all going 'shopping' that day. They also denied the parking lot incident too. All three, (bio and parents) said I threatened them, when, in fact, the bio was 12 cars away looking at the ground with his hands in his pockets shuffling rocks with his feet – it was his parents who cornered me in the parking lot and his parents who threatened me. Three against one. Not much I can do now but hope the judge is seasoned enough to spot a plot when he hears it.

Looking for facts, for other cases, for testimonies, for people who have been where we are now is consuming all my spare time. I cannot change the fact that I went there, nor that I did try and get the bio involved, then walked away from it all when things started getting out of hand. The fact that he abandoned us, refused interest in the child and made no attempt to create a relationship with him also cannot be ignored. When the children are sleeping I spend hours looking for cases on line. Looking for places like this forum, looking for people who can help.

Not sure if I am in the obsessive realm yet, but I think I am close. What I did was so not me. Yet, I am not exactly sure who ‘me’ really was then – after all, I think all women go through a transformation from wife to mother. My role was being redefined, and this clearly had an impact on me - a much larger one than I had thought at the time. Not sure how much was hormones, how much was stress, how much was uncertainty, how much was guilt, how much was shock, how much was fear.

What exactly are the court proceedings trying to establish?

I'm glad you're being pro-active, in looking at case law and what not, but you shouldn't have to be so stressed if you have a good, competent attorney-- do you?

I feel so badly, it sounds as if bio-father and bio-grandparents motives are not pure at all. I don't "hear" bio-father saying he truly wants a relationship with the child. I hope the judge sees through them, but having a top notch attorney who knows the ins and outs of these type of situations, would be your best bet.

We know he will get visitation, but we also know that it is only for his parents. He wants WAYYYY too much visitation though - like the equivalent of 4 months of the year or something, plus ever second holiday, etc. That is just unacceptable. That will kill our family. That is what I think they are hoping for. We know his parents are going to file their own claim for grandparents rights to visitation on top too.

I have the correspondence where he basically says he would give up his rights. He did not sign the Birth Cert. His dad forced him to 4 months later but I at least had the forsight to kept a copy of the conversation we had where he basically describes how he was forced to sign it. Birth Cert’s have to be submitted within 30 days of the birth. I sent him the form and he was actually upset with me that I had done that. He did not fill it out or send it back and he knew that I had submitted my H’s info when the time was up as he had told me he thought my H should be on it if he was going to be the child’s father. Again, he really wanted no part of the responsibility, or accountability, even though it was his parents who said they would pay the cs if need be too….. I have the emails where we had agreed to try and do the 'family friend' route to keep distance, but some contact for him with the child. He did not want physical contact, just a letter every now and again to see how the baby was doing. Fair enough. I agreed. But his parents wanted more. And I, feeling guilty, gave in. I should have headed to the warning of all the alarm bells going off in my head, but I really thought I was just post partum and could handle things if I just kept going. Soooo duuuumb.

where does your husband stand in this issue ? Does he want a life with you and your OC ?

My husband accepted the child from day one. He has been the rock beneath myself and our family. He is an incredible father for oc and even took 8 months off work to raise the child at home when I had to return to work. He has never hesitated once to ‘do the right thing’ for our oc. Even my husband’s mother, who visited for a full month, has not flinched towards the child.

Since the court papers arrived though I have been an emotional basket case most days. The turmoil and stress in the house is incredible. I didn't realize how much damage the contact was doing till it was too late. We (the bio and I) had agreed to do the ‘family friend’ thing with the bio, but that was not enough for his parents. The bio could not tell them the truth though. He made up nasty stories about me trying to force him into a relationship with me, hence his rational and proof to everyone of why I was visiting them. The full extent of those stories did not come out till much later. For example, the bio and I had talked about his financial situation and about housing prices and how, despite the low interest rates, it still took two to buy a house for people in his tax bracket. I don’t know what he said to his mom but later his mom spit in my face while yelling at me that I was trying to ‘trap him’ with my talk about house buying….

Because of the contact with the bio, even if I had formally denied his parentage, the contact would show enough of a question to warrant a pat test. Instead of lying, we told the truth and admitted he was the bio.

We should have lied.

Hi OTP~

I responded to you elsewhere before I saw this.

I'd basically say the same thing though.

Hugs to you...