My WW and I have been married over 11 years, mostly happy for me but not for her it seems. Stepfather has been generous and kind to us over the years, though less attention to my mom than to other women. As I failed to meet all of my wife's EN, she fantasized about him meeting those needs. Only once years ago did she tell me about her fantasies, and due to the mutual trust between us I felt it was a one-time deal. To her credit she has attempted to tell me things lacking in our relationship, but I either didn't take it seriously or failed to correct the deficiency well enough. This last summer we moved in with my parents while at a transition in our lives (we have 3 young kids as well). I sank into depression and met fewer of her EN, and at a weak point she confessed her attraction to him. He said he was flattered but strong enough to deal with it. Then I had to travel for 6 weeks in the fall, and that is when the A fully began, sexual and all. Shortly after I got back, I discovered part of the truth, and from then until D-Day last Sunday 3/19/06 I believed the A was only emotional and had yet to go physical. The OM was encouraging my WW to lie to me (for my "good" so I would not be completely discouraged). She has come clean about everything I think now. There has been no physical since D-Day according to her, though they are in contact every day. My mom does not know yet, and we don't want to tell her because if she divorced him it would only encourage the A we think, though I also feel that she should know. My W asked me to stay with a friend this coming week so she could get time to make a whole-hearted decision either for me or for the OM. I feel that this will only throw her to him, but I want to make her happy and give her space, and I do want her to choose me not out of obligation but in love. I love her deeply and will do all I can to help our marriage. I will not stand by and be 2nd choice though, and if any more physical happens I will go to Plan B and also expose the A to my mom at least. I want to move my family to a different city and attempt to cut off contact with him, but being in our family makes it crazy. I did let him have the fullness of my anger in words on D-Day, and made it clear that if my marriage survives, he will never be allowed in our house or our life again. He was silent and unappologetic.
I am so hurt and angry of course, at both of them. But my WW is all in all a wonderful woman worth every effort to have a new life with, if she will leave the OM for good.
Any advice would be great, especially from anyone who's been in this mess with family members.
You can read my wife's post under Plan A/Plan B.
I am stronger than I expected, though I still don't want to face a divorce from the "wife of my youth." Help!

Don't move out. That is really really a bad move. When a WS says they need space, they are saying they want to continue the affair without you there. If she is constantly in contact with OM, the affair is still on, and exposure may well be the only way for this to end.

If she needs to leave to find herself, have her go to HER parents or someplace a long way away from both of you. But, really nothing useful will be decided if you move out, it will only continue the affair which is continuing to this day whether or not there is anything physical going on. And you would really believe your W or your step-dad right now, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> No way no how! They are both proven liars.

As for you NOT meeting her needs. I am sure that had something to do with the state of your marriage, but it had NOTHING to do with her affair. Her affair was HER decision and your step-Dad's decision not yours, not your mothers. Neither of you were consulted were you? I did not think so.

STay home, be a good Dad to your children, and tell her to figure it out with YOU there.

Please read the articles on this site, and consider to counseling. This is a double layer of betrayal that will be hard to get over, and it is going to affect your WHOLE family. Your Mom needs to know what is going on, as the affair has NOT ended.

God Bless,

JL

You need to expose this to your mother immediately. What a total slimebag he is. I agree do not move out. She wants you to move out so she can continue the affair and continue to humiliate your mother. How could she do this to you and especially your mother who took her in? Your mother needs honesty from you. By not saying anything you are enabling the affair. You are fearful to expose to your mother because you feel it will bring the both of them closer? If that is the case then you have not lost much. All that is happening now is that they have turned you into a liar with your mother and they are allowed to have an affair without consequences. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. Open your eyes.

I am so sorry that you are undergoing such pain, which must be even worse due to your being also betrayed by your step-father.

It is wrong to keep the affair from your mother. She is entitled to know the truth about her husband, her marriage, and her life. Not telling her is NOT protecting her, but trying to make her life choices for her. Her husband and your wife do not deserve to be protected from the consequences of their actions.

Yes, it is possible that your mother may choose to divorce her H, but that choice is her right to make. Yes, she may never want to see your wife again, and that choice is also hers to make.

When my H confessed to his one-night stand, he didn't want to tell me the OW's name. I told him that I never wanted to be in the position of socializing with that woman...of having a friendly chat with her while she was thinking, "I sc***ed your husband and you don't even know it." Your mother does not deserve to be in that position, either, if she doesn't want it.

Expose to your mother. Expose to your siblings, if any. Expose to your step-father's parents, if they're still living.

The ONLY way to end the affair is by EXPOSURE!

Then, Plan A, but do not be a doormat. Download the emotional needs questionaire for both you and your wife, and both of you should fill them out.

Do NOT move out of your home. If your WS wants to separate, SHE should leave...and WITHOUT the children. It is bad enough that they were involved in the affair by being with your W and SF.

I think your SF was getting his thrills by "courting" your wife. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already cheated on your mom.

I read your wife's posts, and I think she is probably seeing that your SF is not "in love" with her.

She needs to never ever have any contact with him again. That means no visits, no phone calls, no text messaging, no letters, no information about him from 3rd parties...no ANYTHING.

I think you can probably recover your marriage, but there will be consequences due to the family dynamics. Good luck to you.

Thank you all for your words and advice. I was encouraged a lot this morning.
I am going to give my W some space this week. I know that the A is still going on, at least on an emotional level. Me staying wouldn't change that much, as most of their liasons have happened during the day when I am at work, even while the kids are in the house. My main fear is that when I take away any good from me, he is there to "shine" and meet every need. I am planning on moving us away ASAP. I think she could never make a real decision between us as long as the OM is actively in her life, making dinners for us, watching the kids, complimenting her, etc. My only fear in this is that I will uproot and move away, and she and the kids will refuse to come (the kids would gladly come, as they know friends in the new place already) and I will be far from my own kids when they need their dad even more, and I need to be near them. I guess that is the gamble, the risk.
I am leaning towards telling my mom soon. I have promised my WW that if there is any more PI mom will know as soon as I do. And she will need to know at least part of why we are moving away so suddenly, and why her WH isn't allowed to visit or call.
Please keep writing, as this is good for me to hear from others who have been in this mess before (or still are).
One other question: How do you become physically intimate again, especially when the WS has had issues in how we are together? Just wondering.
Thanks for everything. I will check this again later today.

I feel so sorry for you. According to your wife's thread she just now asked your step-father to leave your mother and be with her and he refused. It shows he was just using her for his own jollies. It is sad because it shows that apparently you are now the doorprize and her second choice.

Honestly I do not know how you have refrained yourself from going ballistic on this guy. You want to give your wife some space while allowing your step-father to continue to spend time with her at your parents home making your mother look like a total fool. I am sorry but it seems clear that your wife has so little respect for you and she has shown it and continues to show through her actions. The unbelievable aspect to this is how little respect you are showing your own mother. What kind of a son allows his mother to be humiliated and disrespected this way without saying a word? You strike me as being a really nice guy. Unfortunately your wife and stepfather see this as a weakness and apparently have had no problems humiliating you in the worst possible way. Thinking that your wife is still a wonderful woman indicates to me that she is not the only one in a fog? If the roles had been reversed and you were screwing your wife's sister for example, do you honestly think your wife would have been so accepting as you have been? Do you think your wife would have decided to give you some space and let you stay at her sister's home while you decide whether you want to stay married? I am sorry but it seems your wife and stepfather see you as a doormat based on your actions and acceptance of what is going on. Surely you deserve better than this!

Post deleted by Pepperband

Thanks Pepper

You are most welcome Bryan

I have gained more clarity in my thinking by posting on this site and hearing different responses. I now think I know what my next actions will be.
First, I will tell my mom about the A, as painful as that will be to all of us. She needs to know, and is mature enough to make her own choices of whether to stay in her M or not, and how to treat my WW. I think ultimately her love for me and for my kids will prevent her from staying bitter at my wife for this betrayal, and she may even stay with her WH. Whatever happens, it is for the best and can have positive benefits for our M and ending this nightmare we are caught up in.
For me the back and forth is most difficult -- her waivering about what she wants or is deciding to do. I think that is why people ultimately move to Plan B. I need to chart my own course, whether or not she joins me. I am making plans to move my family several hours away, and will make it absolutely clear that my stepdad will never be allowed in our lives again, even if that separates the kids from him. Better to lose a grandparent than lose our marriage, and I know our kids would agree (our oldest son is very worried that we might divorce and he would only have one of us at home). I am stronger than the OM -- he has shown in numerous ways his weakness and lack of decency, and I believe he will fail her in the end. But whether or not, I must do what is right and live a life of honor and vision, and have "life to the full." If my WW returns to me, wonderful. If not, I will have grown through this trial and become a better man, and will go on to find a better woman. This marriage is worth saving, but I cannot lose myself in it. I have lost and found myself in Christ alone, and it is He who gives me strength and hope and light in my life. I pray He blesses my wife and our marriage.
Keep writing to me, I am gaining much in this time.
By the way, we moved out of their house in December, though we still live too close. You know what they say about hindsight....

To 1woundedheart:

What a terrific message you just posted. You really get it now. You respect your family and yourself. What you have written is right on the money. You have taken control of the situation and are being proactive. You are no longer simply reacting to the situation but now taking control of the situation. I think you are making a wise choice informing your mother.
My guess is that your wife will certainly go with you especially after your stepfather turned her down just the other day. You need to discuss boundaries and what you expect from her and each other. You are willing to recover but it has to be a two way street. It is important that your wife understands why she did this to you and your family and show sincere remorse. You now sound strong and assertive. You will find most women will find that much more attractive than being soft and weepy. I wish you the best and I know that you are on the right tract because you now respect yourself and will do the right thing. Good luck.

Keep your focus on God and on what you must do to make it through this time of trials. Your WW is also a Waivering Wife, which is normal for where she is right now. Be patient with her, but keep on loving her and hopefully her eyes will be opened as to how much better you are for her than the OM, who is really only thinking of himself in this mess. Your WW cannot think clearly for the most part, as she is still in the fog in some ways. Do tell your mom; she deserves to know, and that just may be the beginning of clearing the fog and ending the A.
Keep growing in your strength that you are finding. God is giving you grace to stand and to walk in this place you never wanted to be, and He will lead you both through it if you trust in Him.
God bless you.

Thanks for your encouragement everyone. It's hard sometimes to do the right thing when you know it is going to hurt the people you love. But really the hurt has already been done. My mom just doesn't know yet, and my wife and stepfather haven't been made accoutable for their actions yet either, and so have little remorse for what they did (are doing and feeling). I hope all goes well, but I will do the right thing no matter the consequences. There are no guarantees any way we go.
Keep writing with advice and insight. Thanks!

I've written to your WW, and thought I should encourage you a little, too. Keep your faith in God, and don't lose your love for your wife. You seems like a strong and devoted husband; you will need to become stronger still to make it through the tough times ahead for you, if you are to renew your marriage. She won't know what she wants, or will waiver back and forth, so you need to take action as your heart leads you, and be steady and true to your wife. Resist the temptation to leave her now, especially to pursue your own affair; otherwise you will probably lose any chance at reconciliation. Your WW needs you more than either of you know; just hold on to your own love for her, even as you have had to let go of her love for you. Then you become the one who has much to give, and who is a strong support in your marriage. Your wife wants that deep down (all women do, if they are honest with themselves), and your love can tip the scales and draw her back to you, if you are patient and strong.
May God richly bless your marriage; it is worth fighting for and renewing. You are not a doormat for loving your wife and wanting the marriage to work, but neither do you have to give her up to her own desires. Keep loving her faithfully and deeply; she will see you for who you are.
God bless you.

Well, this Friday night (4/7/06) is D-Day for my mom. I warned her that we will be talking about some heavy stuff, though there is really no way to prepare someone for the revelation of an A, especially a double betrayal within the family like ours. In a way it is good that I have known about the EA for 6 months, and the PA for over 2 weeks, so I can better help my mom through it. I don't know what the effects will be in my M. WW says she doesn't want to wait any longer for MIL to know. She has also agreed to move away with me as soon as her contract job is finished.
One question I have about that is this: Would it be better to all move as a family (maybe waiting until our son is out of school in a month or so), or is it possible to send her and the 2 younger kids a few weeks early (so she can have time away from me a bit)? Or will I actually be of help during withdrawl for support, even though she might not want me to meet her EA for a little while?
Another question I have for those who have made it through these trying times to a better marriage: How do you get over the "hang-ups" of PI post D-Day? We were intimate often enough when she knew and I didn't (though emotionally strained for her), but it's been a month with no chance in sight. Her problem is wondering what I will be thinking of her, which I don't think will be so much of a problem, but I don't know. I might post my questions on the General area as well.
That's all for now. I am holding together well enough, still feeling stronger than ever and hopeful that things will get better once we establish NC and she gets through the main part of withdrawl. More soon.

Update:
My wife (habiba) is still waivering about NC, and about our M. I'm sure that is normal, but how do we get to NC without her really wanting it? I am planning on moving us away from the OM in the next month or so (wish it could be sooner), but my fear is that I will go through with those plans, and quit my job, and then she will say, "Sorry, I'm not going" and I will then be without a job and moved 3 hours away from my kids. It would be one thing if she was going to divorce me and we both could stay in the same city so as to both be with the kids. But what I'm trying to do is for the good of our M, and also for our kids. She got some advice yesterday (from the OM's former W, who doesn't know about the PA but only some of the EA) that we need to stay near the grandparents for the kids, and it's bad for them to move again. First of all, she doesn't know about the physical; second, I firmly believe that it's better for the kids if we try to work on our M, which can't happen if there isn't NC (better to lose a grandparent, esp. under these circumstances, than for the kids to have to endure our divorce).
Anyways, lots of struggles (like everyone else on this site). I am still 100% committed to our relationship, and it is not hard for me to love my WW and try to do good for her, at least at this time (much more of her waivering and I might be ready to throw in the towel). I am strong, but I will not force her to have NC; she must somehow choose it, even if on a trial basis. Maybe everything will be clearer after exposure to my mom this Friday, though that could force the lovers together, out of "sympathy" for one another. I guess then Plan B would be a lot easier to begin.
If anyone has any advice or encouragement, I would love to hear it. This site has been great for me, and I think for my wife as well.

1WH,

How is your mother taking the disclosure about her H's affair with your W? That is a crucial thing here. I think given that OM is your step father, that you need to seek legal counsel about some of this. Moving her away is a good thing. Then your mother can come visit the kids, but grand dad should NEVER be allowed anywhere around them. In fact, he should NOT be taking care of them now.

I do hope you have stopped that and made some other arrangements for their care. Start with these things. I understand your concern, and you are right she will waffle because she wants her cake and eat it to.

Kids grow up just fine without grandparents, but they don't do nearly as well with only on parent.

God Bless,

JL

You are about to break some very bad news to your mom. My suggestion would be to be direct, frank and succint, and be prepared to provide and show any proof of the A, if she requires it.

Ideally, the news of the A should be given to your mom by her H, the OM. If he's man enough for the job, that is.

Crazy update!!
Last night my WW tells me that she has had sex with OM 3 times in the past 2 weeks, after D-Day. Of course I feel a further betrayal, as if she is twisting the knife that is still in me. I left the house and went straight to where my mom was at church, and told her everything. She was of course very disturbed and disappointed in both of them. But she seemed stronger than some had thought she would be. When I saw her this morning dropping off my son, she had been crying and hadn't slept well (similar to my first night after D-Day). When she asked OM "Why?" he just said, "You know why." But at least they are talking a little.
As for us, my wife has agreed to move away ASAP and begin NC. Pray for us finding a good place to live, and for me to find a good job soon.
More later, I must beging working.

Hello 1woundedheart,

I am so sorry for you. I have to tell you that your wife is a real piece of work. After all you have been going through and after deciding a week ago you were going to tell your mother she then has sex with your stepfather 3 more times. She is unbelievable. She shows such distain and disrespect for you, your family and her mother-in-law. I would suggest that you think long and hard if you really want to be married to her. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. After all the incredible hurt and pain she has put you through she continues to do this behind your back. Is she so weak that everytime she sees her father-in-law she must have sex with him? I am amazed that you have not confronted your stepfather and threatened him. The fact that he knew you knew and he continued to screw your wife again is unbelievable. You see the problem you had because you did not expose immediately. If you had exposed immediately there would not have been 3 more sexual encounters. Again I don't see how you can trust your wife at all. You and your children deserve better than this. Her behavior toward you and your mother is absolutely revolting. Clearly she does not care how much she humiliates and disrespects you. She does not care how much pain she inflicts on you. You deserve better my friend.