I do not understand this. Your mother knows and is allowing her husband to continue the affair with your wife? Why has she not kicked him out? Your wife wants space to continue the affair without being forced to hide it. She wants to engage in all of the sex she can and if the stepfather gets tired of her she knows she call fall back on you who apparently is the doorprize. I see no consequences to her actions and she continues them to the detriment of you and your family. I would file for divorce and let her deal with the consequences. What she is doing now is kicking you out, staying legally married and enjoying sex with your stepfather. Since there are really no consequences to her actions then why should she stop? Allowing her to remain married to you and screw your stepfather at will is a totally losing proposition. How can you not see this?

Checked on the restraining order thing already. Unless my wife agreed, or unless OM is clearly a danger to us (past experience of child molesting or something), then I alone could not get a RO. Also, though the A can have some effect on custody, it usually would not be grounds for me getting full custody. Even if I could, she is still the mother of my kids, and I want them to be able to see her. She has made foolish and selfish choices, but the only real danger to my kids is them having to deal with grandpa becoming stepfather (if that ever happened) and with mom setting a bad example (but even in that case none of us are perfect parents, and though an affair, esp. with a family member, is a terrible thing for kids to see, it doesn't make my wife the worst person on earth by any means). I'm not at all defending her choices -- they were stupid, selfish, and completely lacking in love or respect for anyone but herself -- but maybe I am saying we can judge the sin but not the person doing the sin. Love the sinner, hate the sin. It is God's place to judge a person, and in His light we all fall short of His glory and righteous standard. My place as a Christian, even as a BS, is to love and forgive and follow Jesus. That doesn't mean being foolish with my life -- all the more I am accountable for my choices and to guard my heart's desires. God gave us brains to use. He doesn't want us to be the center of our world, but rather to focus on Him. In life there is joy and sadness mingled together. To live for ourselves, to seek our own good and pleasure, is hedonism and directly oppossed to anything good. True, an A is this, but so is asserting my will or opinion over another's, or indulging in greed and materialism, or thinking evil thoughts about another person whom God created. Many are the ways of sin (the broad way Jesus talked about) and how easy it is to walk that path, "but small is the gate and narrow the path that leads to life, and only a few find it." OK, enough preaching!
Thanks for your coninued words and advice. I carefully consider all that is given. Keep it coming!

1WoundedHeart,

I have been "lurking" for some time and have decided to respond to you. I can understand your situation as my now ex-husband had an affair with my sister-in-law. This type of affair is different than most and the pain involved is horrible. My entire family has been affected. I do not have children, but my brother has two beautiful little girls. (The OW is my brother's wife.)

To my knowledge the affair began in Jan. 05 and is still continuing. The whole entire family went into denial about this affair but is now slowly coming to grips with the situation. I made a decision to live in the truth even if no one else would.

Please take my advise. You are not God. You cannot love your wife enough. You cannot save her. That's God's job. I understand what you are saying. I read your comment about Lazarus. Did you notice that Mary and Martha did not raise Lazarus from the dead? Jesus did...they made the request and He performed the miracle.

Leave your wife. Trust God that He will deal with her. There is NO WAY that God is telling you to stay in this situation. This type of affair has a very strong attraction. The WS does not feel the consequences as much because they are still attached to the family. You really need to take a strong stand for your children. It is the right thing to do.

One of my issues is that I can't just "kick her out" and me keep the kids. I wish it were that easy, and I would already have done that if I could. She won't leave without the kids, and if they had to choose, the older 2 would definitely choose to be with her. Legally I cannot get full custody, nor is that the best thing for them (though it sure would put pressure on ending the A). That's the sticky thing -- this is more than just ending an affair. It is continuing to care for 3 innocent kids, me acting like a decent guy whether married or not, and possibly working on our relationship if and when the affair is put to death. Obviously there are more issues than just the A, and that means that my actions can't be a simple black or white thing; everything affects everything else. That being said, I am plannig on separating within a couple weeks unless some kind of miracle happens in my wife's heart. That separation can enable the affair to continue, but also make her be without me which could show her what a good man she is losing/has lost. It's Plan B, because there is nothing I can do to end the affair; that has to be done by one or both of the wayward people. I am in a situation where there is no way to go except pain for me, and I know that me leaving will not be the best thing for the kids, but if she filed for D I would have to leave anyways, and they would hurt the same. I want the kids and everyone else to know that she wants me to leave, not me. It is important to me that she owns her choices. I have tried to do the best to win her back, but since that has not happened I leave her to the consequences of her actions and desires, and walk away knowing I did my best.
As for my mom, her M will soon be over I think, though I don't know for sure when. And though they had many problems before this, the A will be cited as a leading cause of the D.
OMeOMy, did you file for D or your X? It is amazing how my WW cannot see that this kind of A is more damaging than if the OM were just some guy out there. She still acts as if we can all just get along somehow. That would really be her having her cake and icing and all, to make her choices and have no real consequences for them, for everyone to say, "That's OK, we are happy that you are happy no matter what."
I go soon to make a new life for myself. I won't file for D just yet, but as my love fades I will want to be free from her and free to find or make a better love at some point. I hate that it has come to this, and I have delayed too long in the hope that she would turn back to me. Maybe me leaving will have that effect, as strange as that seems to me, and just maybe my love for her will have lasted and we can rebuild our broken marriage and make it better than ever. Just maybe. But I'm not banking on it.

Why don't you just quit, wounded? You've been given a lot of great davice here and you've systematically rejected it with weak excuses.

Do you think God would expect you to give up on your family like you have?

Man up, wounded.

BTW - are you really, really sure your step-father hasn't done SOMETHING to threaten your security? Maybe he looked at you an in threatening manner.

You said he was no danger...he is very much a danger to your family.

When I discovered who it was, I immediatelly went to plan B and separated from my husband. I felt (and still do) this was something I had to do for my family. I continued plan B for seven months until I felt God was leading me to divorce and then filed. My divorce has been final for 2 weeks.

I implemented plan B for my entire family. I do not have children - so it was easier. BUT I love my neices, my brother, other siblings and my parents VERY much. No one in my family could face the truth. It was unbelievable. I knew a hard stand needed to be made. It was VERY hard to leave, but there was and still is NO DOUBT that it was the right thing to do.

It has now been an entire year. The family is now BEGINNING to face the truth. Nothing is the same. We are not the same.

My Brother took the "easy" way out you are taking now. He would not take the stand - he used his girls as an excuse. And he hurt me greatly. He did not and has not done what is right.

Here's the reality to his choices - His girls will know the truth one day. And they will blame him for not taking a stand. They will have no respect for him. I love him but I do not respect him. He is wrong plain and simple and he will have to face the consequences to his decisions.

Whether you like it or not - God ordained you as the leader of your home. A leader has to take a stand and sometimes that stand is very hard to do - but it literally means life or death.

The other man is disrespecting you, your wife, your Mom and your children. And you are not fighting for your family. You are not laying down your life. Laying down your life means getting your family out of danger. It means takiing on the pain of being separated from them for a time. Your family is under attack.

I obeyed God and left the consequences to him. Your children NEED for you to take a stand. Even if that means being separated from them for a time. Look long term. See the big picture. You will pay a VERY high price if you do not take a stand.

I've followed this thread for a long time, but rarely post anymore.

You are in probably one of the worst situations I've read.

Legally... there isn't anything a BS can do...in most states...adultery ...unless undeniably proven ... is no longer even grounds for divorce.

A WS ... can destroy the marriage..and everyone around them ..with all lethal blow...and no judge in the land will deem her an unfit parent. Let's face it... adultery makes you a horrible spouse...but you can still be a great parent.

1W... nothing is going to change. You get to get up every day..go to work...support your family...while your W ..continues to sleep with your stepfather.

As painful as this is to read... this won't end. All the exposure is done... you've been plan Aing your butt off... and she still is actively in the A ...and really has no intent on ending it.

Sometimes... people have to learn to crawl..before they learn to walk again.

you may need to cut your losses here...and read the writing on the wall.

1W,

Have you considered getting a legal separation with definite custody arrangements? I asked this because you leaving and at least having your children part of the time is probably the ONLY bit of sanity they will have. Your W is NOT a good mother, but as the previous poster said the courts don't recognize the potential damage of "Grand Pa" sleeping with Mom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It is just sick and the kids will catch on to what is happening soon enough. I have forgotten the kids ages but believe it when they become teenagers they will figure out what is going on. You don't want to be around when that happens.

I cannot offer you any definitive advice, and it is true that your situation is one of the worst because a lot of your support has been removed from you because of the family involvement. I would make sure the affair is fully exposed to all relatives and friends. If there is to be any pressure on this it will come from them. Your Plan b will put no pressure on her or him. But, it will save your sanity and it will provide your kids a place that is at least sane. They will need this eventually if they don't need it now.

God Bless,

JL

1w,

have been following your thread for weeks, but just lurking until today. You sound like a strong, level-headed man to me. There must be more to this story than you are saying, because I've never heard you say ugly things about your WW. You've expressed your hurt and pain, but it seems to me she must have some good qualities for you to remain so entrenched to save M.

Seems posts are being too critical of you and your efforts. If M can't be saved, you stand a great chance of moving on and minimizing the trauma on the kids. You deserve better, and I applaud your patience and inner strength.

I am strong and level-headed, and have grown much and learned new strengths about myself during this time, some things I have not even brought out yet. Of course my wife has many good qualities and is not simply defined by her lifestyle in the past months. We were in love once, and I still am, though not at all "blinded" by my love or unable to walk away from this hurtful relationship if/when it comes to that. It will be soon if there is no real and lasting change in her heart.
No, there is much to love in my wife; were it not so I would have left as soon as I found out about the affair, especially the PI. This marriage is worth saving and rebuilding, and it can be done if she will join with me and break away from the OM. If that doesn't happen very soon, I will be breaking away from her, and then it just might be too late (maybe not, but I cannot hold open the door the rest of my life). I do deserve better, not better than her, but better than she has been giving me in the past, even before the A began (deception/hiding her feelings for him went back years, and likely fueled her discontent with me). I have grown stronger and more passionate and willing to meet her needs, and the OM has only grown weaker and wishy-washy during this time, but she still holds on to him. Maybe that's the FOG, but it's about to finish off all possibilities of a life with me. I have given myself fully and freely, and she still has rejected me, so it is time to withdraw my offer and "cut my losses" and move on. I'm not saying I'm done today, but very soon if no real changes in her. At this point, we need a miracle from God, and soon. I do see the writing on the wall, but it has words that can have 2 meanings, and I am not a hasty person. Either way can have good results, and either way has pain. So maybe it doesn't matter anymore, now that I have persevered so long. Still, that seems odd, and either too humanistic or fatalistic (nothing matters?). At least for me. We are all going to miss the mark sometimes, but we should still take aim and do our best, and practice to make it better. One failed marriage doesn't mean we have to give up (a string of failed marriages/relationships might make me think of taking up a different sport!).
Anyways, whatever happens I have grown. I just wish ours were a case of the WS wanting so desperately to have a second chance in the M. Then we could see good things happening!

IW,
I just re-read my post - I apologize....came on a little strong...having "been there, done that", it is difficult not to get fired up about your situation. I let my own personal experience get in the way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

My husband cheated on me 3 years ago. It was with a CoWorker. This was FAR worse. You have to wonder why in the world the WS cannot find someone outside of the family...It's very sick. Yuck.Blech!

I really feel for you and I do admire that you are trying to bring your wife back home. It will be very difficult. Even the best case scenario is going to be extremely difficult for you. You will be faced with what most BS's do not have to face.

You see your mom's pain. If she is not showing it, you still know it's there. Even if your Mom divorces your step Dad, you will not be able to escape the reminders. It makes it very difficult to heal. You are being strong for your ww and your mom. Even though you cleave to your wife when you marry and you technically begin a new family, your mom is your mom. It is OVERWHELMING to watch your family hurt and if you are like me it truly seems unbelievable that this can happen.

I still encourage plan B for two reasons. 1. Your sanity. You will need lots of time to sort through your own emotions. They will get worse before they get better and your kids do need a strong Dad. 2. Because the OP is your step father, it is even more difficult for your WW to feel the consequences of her actions. She still feels connected to you because her affair life is similar to her real life. Does this make sense?

Plan A seems to be making a few baby steps for us, so I feel now that I am finally doing it "right" I should give it a few weeks to see. I am ready, and maybe even desiring, to go to Plan B, and have my own time frame and "checklist" to know when the time is right, or what needs to happen to "stay the course" longer. I was actually planning on leaving today while she and kids were visiting family, but this week has seen some (small) progress, which both of us can see, and even WW's mom. So I stand ready to continue, or to leave. Both paths involve much personal pain and growth, but I have come this far. We will see what the next week brings. I am ready.