FWH Lurker here...got enough nerves to write.

Here's the problem. It's been a few months since I confessed. I am starting to lose it in my mind. Not so she would see. Just within myself. After she goes off on me and tells me she wants a divorce and we get past it, I think to myself, will I be able to do that next time? How much longer is this going to go on? If I even say anything during her yelling at me, she laughs at me like she doesn't care. I am really working here. We have a few good days in between the bad one where we can talk like friends and even have SF.

What do I do? It is almost like I have been the one in doing a Plan A and now I am starting to lose it inside. What do you do when the FWS starts getting low in their LB? I want this marriage to work but these threats and yelling and namecalling need to stop because I am dying here.

I hope this makes sense. Help.

Thanks,
Mark

FWH - me (2 PA's) 39
BW - her 35
2 kids - 6, 2
Status - I guess some sort of recovery.

mark ~ I'm a former betrayed wife and I can assure you that it does get better. Just realize that the pain you have caused your wife is the absolute worst pain any spouse can ever feel - except the pain of the loss of a child.

I don't mean it callously when I say: suck it up. But realize, the pain and anger, the wild mood swings, the rollcoaster highs and lows, are a direct consequence of your actions.

If you want this marriage - it means you need to committ yourself 100%, no holding back. It means that you tell her everything she asks, no lying, no twisting, no spinning, no "I don't remember".

It means you hold her while she cries if she lets you. And it means you need to focus on your obligations and responsibilities as the father of her children. She isn't available to you emotionally right now - its time to find some healthy ways to meet your needs - ways that won't hurt another person.

It takes about 2 years before things start to feel normal. Thats IF the WS has been fully committed and doing everything he or she needs to do to ensure the BS's safety.

The first few months are bad, then things will get better, but then, will get worse again. It will eventually bottom out and get better steadily.

My husband and I will be 5 years recovered this summer. We are doing very well.

I should have also said:

Please, call Steve Harley. Even if your wife doesn't want to talk to him, Steve can help YOU learn how to navigate recovery.

Its a very very narrow tightrope path to recovery. You need guidance!

Are you in formal counseling...

you two need to establish safe zones of communication...
where both can speak to eachother of painful things...and have rules and guidelines so that these talks are productive...

would she come here and post...

if not in counseling...you should take control of that and seek and look in to good pro marriage counselors it will be a huge sign of you being serious about recovery...

also is there no contact with your ow
how did you have contact with them
what changes have you made
what have you offered your wife as reasons for you infidelity...
did you confess or were you busted...
does she know the OW....
how close to home did you strike

exactly what changes have YOU done...

ARK

Thanks to both of you. I have established no contact. I confessed after she started asking questions. The other woman does not live close so neither my wife or I see her.

We have seen a counselor a few times. It just doesn't seem to help much.

She told me again this weekend that she is leaning towards divorce. And then the same day, she is being nice.

My insides can't take it much more.

Mark

I see you had 2 PA's. Is that correct?

Mark ~ the book After the Affair by Janis A Spring might help both of you. I know that I found it very helpful.

Also, just "counseling" will not provide the help required for this kind of recovery.

Please call Steve Harley! Use the counseling button on the top of this page.

Yea, she will change her mind many times over. U go get help for you. U go get yourself a plan.

Recommend you call either Steve or Jennifer @ MB for a plan.

Then you won't be so tired.

L.

Mark-

Ewwwwwwww 2 PA's?? How long ago was the first one? Did she find out about that one, and then you made up and then you had another one???

I don't know how to advise you, because if you've had 2 PA's during your marriage, you're bordering on serial cheating. Do you know what's causing this behavior in you??

God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks for the replies. I have been thinking about calling Steve or Jennifer. I always think having a plan is a plus.

Caren - First PA was about 6 years ago. Second one was last year. She had suspicions about the first one but didn't know for certain until I told her about both recently. I don't think I am a serial cheater or a borderline serial cheater. Not sure what is causing this problem. There was a long period in between the 2 PA's that nothing happened. If I was a serial cheater, I would think that I wouldn't have waited so long for the second.

Thanks again for your replies,
Mark