I'm new here and really don't know how to start this, so here goes. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. In these 16 years he's had 3 affairs that I know about. This past year (2005) I lost my dad suddenly and then to make matters worse my mom moved in with us putting alot of strain on not only myself and my husband but our boys (2) as well. In September he left to go work out in California. This makes it hard for me because I seem to accuse him alot when he's out of town. This time wasn't so bad though until his birthday in November. Supposedly some of the guy took him out for dinner and a couple of beers. I wasn't able to get in contact with him for 24 hours. So, my first assumption was he's cheating again so accusations flew and hurtful things were said. He came home the first of December. Things weren't the same, he said he couldn't deal with it anymore and that he wanted a divorce. When I told him he could have the divorce he then says he would like for things to work out. The 3 months he's home he barely touches me. He left the beginning of March to back to California. About 2 weeks after he got there we had a long talk over the phone discussing how I needed to trust him and stop accusing him so much and I agreed and also told him he needed to be honest with me about everything. The next day I found out that he's opened a bank account out there in his name alone. When I confronted him about this he said he did it for his protection. He didn't need me getting angry at him and cleaning out the bank account here and leaving him with nothing. This hurt so badly, I've never done anything that would even slightly make him think I would ever do anything like this. He apologized for lying to me about it and keeping it from me and said he would be honest from now on. I believe he's involved with someone else, but if he even thinks I'm fixing to ask about something along those lines, he says this isn't going to work I'll just file for divorce when I get home. I've heard that same statement 4 times in the past 3 weeks. The other day he said he needed me, I ask him yesterday what he needed me for and he said to love him, then last night he made the statement about divorce again. I'm so confused I don't know which way to go anymore. I really don't know how much more I can take. The youngest child is 7 and if he even here's the word divorce he goes to crying and begging please don't get a divorce. I'm trying my best to keep this from both boys but it's difficult. What can I do, I love him, but yet I'm tired of being hurt.

Sweetie, I know this is hard and you are hurting. My heart breaks for your boys. But it sounds like your H is a cakeman. IMO, I would go NO CONTACT. Are you in IC? It may be beneficial for you and the kids. Hugs to you!

Big hug to you...i know the pain.

First thing fist. You need to read up on plan A. After reading...come back here and post any questions that you have regarding the plan.

Thank you both so much. I've stopped questioning him about anything and just pretty much talking to him like nothing's wrong when he calls. He's kinda getting back to his way of joking around with me when he calls and being nice again. He says he would like for me to fly to Vegas when this job is over the first of June and us spend some time alone together seeing how we haven't been able to do that in years. I don't know what to think anymore, one minute he wants to file for divorce and the next he wants to see how it works out. My mind feels like a roller-coaster. I did read plan A and I'm going to try it.

Well I'm back with not so good news. I feel like I'm dying inside. I hired a p.i. and last night found out that there is another woman...I confronted him and at first he tried to act like he didn't know what I was talking about then when I was able to tell him what he and she was wearing and me 2400 miles away I guess it clicked that I really did know what I was talking about. He said he's not in love with me anymore and that he wants a divorce. This after trying to convince me for several weeks now that we was going to work on things when he got home from this job.

This hurts so much that after 17 yrs and all we've been through that it comes down to this. What's even worse is that I didn't know our 15 yr old had been sitting at my bedroom door and listening to my conversations. He now knows what is going on and is heart broken. I didn't know that he and his dad had talked and my husband had promised him that he'd never cheat on me again. I thought I was doing everything I could to protect both the boys from as much as I could. I was waiting till after they went to bed before I'd get on the phone and discuss anything with anybody.

At the end of this month is the 1 yr anniversary of my dad passing away and now this. Can someone please take away the pain??? At least from my son, he's hurting so bad right now and I don't know what to do for him. And while I know that's humanly impossible I don't want my baby to hurt like this. I would do anything to take away his pain.
Please help!!!

((((tmln)))) I am so very sorry for the pain you and your sons are experiencing.

Why don't you post over in General Questions - it is a busier forum and you will get a lot more responses.

Is there anyway that he can change jobs or you could move to where he is? Dr. Harley recommends couples not being seperated for work. Without the two of you being together it is going to be very hard to do anything.

I really am sorry you are hurting.

thank you so very much. His job takes him out of town for 2 to 3 months at a time then he's home for 3 months. I really don't think there's anything else that can be done, he says he's not in love with me anymore and I really don't think I care that much for him right now. I'm gonna pray and hope everything turns out the way it's supposed to. Again, thanks!!!