Ok, I'm learning from a boo-boo I made with WS today.
WS and I were having a nice moment, when he said something that annoyed me. Wasn't an insult or antyhing. Just a pesty little statment. It turned into a power struggle. WE didn't argue, but I left.

Then he left. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I hadn't realized it until now, that he has done this on several occasions recently.

Plan A is about me recovering. I'm trying to. But I know this type of thing subtracts (w/d) from the love bank.

As a BS is there that special technique that you've used to short circuit quick reactions that might turn into LB?

Is there that one thing that you did (or do) to help keep yourself a float so as not to ruin a good moment?

Pls share. I'm looking for tips, info, anything to help. I'm still learning so much. Thanks.:)

Suggestion:

1. Remember if he is a Ws, you are always prone t/b setup. Just learn to recognize when u r being setup and have reverse babble lines ready. Is that an LB? If it was to your spouse,yes....to a WS? IMHO, No but that's just my opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I personally have done this to the WS and Xws.

2. Create a signal phrase or word that will tell the other when you have a question to ask. Make it work for simple and both A and non-A items. For us it is the phrase: Can I ask you a question? If he accepted, I asked, if he didn't I walked away....no further info given about the subject in question, not even hints. That usually prompted him t/b more attentive since his curiousity was still running high (left over from his WS days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

3. When it starts to get heated and you can catch yourself, do like I taught my son. Even before he could talk I gave him the hand motions which translated into:

'just a minutes, I'm upset, let's talk about it.' It was real cute because he would stretch out his hand out like a stop sign and said, 'just a minute', then he would bring his hand to his heart and say, 'I'm upset'. The last thing he would do is put his 2 hands together palms up and say 'let's talk about it'. At first he could only do the signs, he was just over a year old. Before long he was saying it when he needed. The daycare even noticed he would stop while he was playing and tell the other children he wanted to talk about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Can't say all understood but the day care provider sure did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

If it can work on children, it can work on the Ws or Xws since their minds revert past the mind of a child. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I know what you mean. It's tough especially when the wounds are still fresh. My WH and I have gone through it many times, but we also realzes that we are extremely sensitive during these times and we apologize to each other. YOur instint tells you to fight back but then I ended just looking at him and just say Okay....in a semi-question mark tone. Sometimes he elaborates and most time we just move on.

It's tough! It requirea a lot holding your tongue back.

Reallyconcerned-

Okay, I read in your post something about Plan A is about you recovering?? NO....no it's not, not at all.

Plan A is you filling your WH's emotional needs, not reacting to his fog babble with angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements, although he'll be slinging them at you right and left.

During my plan A I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about the affair, which took away the need for him to lie to me. I didn't ask about her, or where he'd been...etc (I did a separated Plan A) So if he WASN'T lying to me......and affairs are based on lies........then who would he be lying to?? Yes.....the OW......lying his butt off to her.

I talked to her on the phone several months after the *A* was over and said "You do realize that at no time during your affair with my husband was he EVER faithful to you, he was having SF with me the ENTIRE time".....a fact she was apparently unaware of LMAO....isn't that a shame? But that was the final nail in the coffin of the affair. I don't really advise it, because it did prompt her to contact him again.......to rip his head off, but still she called him at work.

He had lied to her on so many levels it was unreal. He told her "I" was the one who wanted to leave him, that I apparently wanted him to smoke pot so he wouldn't stress out about my "Lazy a$$" housekeeping.......Ummmmmm okay, yeah, I was drugging him.....sure.

So, anyway........you can just assume everything he says is a lie, and disregard it, and keep being sweet.

You fill those EN's...you REFUSE to fight with him.....he can't fight by himself. That is what Plan A is. Let him know that the *A* is unacceptable, You expose it, and then you fill EN's like crazy. It makes it harder to make you the bad guy when you aren't being one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

How can you expose the A if you are in the process of divorcing? Isn't he allowed to date?

Loni

Loni-

Is this a question about you're own sitch?? I'm confused.

If you are in the process of a divorce, you're still NOT divorced.....and you can still expose.

God Bless,

-Caren

Excuse me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> By whose standards is legally married man allowed to 'date'? Other than the frutit or the calendar.....a date with any gender s/b out of the question (date as in one with romantic interests which nowadays c/b any gender). LOL!!!

L.

ORchid and stargazelily, thank you for your post. Orchid I appreciate the tip about the signals. And Stargazelily I appreciate your relating, working in Plan A is difficult.

CarenMc


Say Lbing is a problem for you as the BS, would you need to recognize this is an issue? If so, would recognizing
it alone cause you to change the behavior or would you need to work on changing this behavior? Whether by IC or through exercises that are self-help get to the heart of the problem and bring about change within you? If so, would you call this recovering to an extent? I guess I would.

So for me Plan A is about addressing issues that are a problem within yourself that may have contributed to problems in the M and recovering from them. Recovering in the sense of bettering yourself and learning to heal from personal issues that may have caused you to act inconsiderate of S or what have you.

Thanks for your tip.

Okay.....controlling your Angry outbursts, I mean it depends on how bad they are.....if they are just occasional, and you feel like you can engage your brain before you open your mouth (A problem I seem to have at times) then I would say no, you don't need counseling for that in particular.

But Plan A is really to fill you WH's EN's. You need to concentrate on making your marriage a viable alternative to the affair.

You are Plan Aing him by working on the things about yourself that *HE* feels were not meeting his Emotional Needs.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,
I appreciate your take on Plan A and what it means to you.

I wish you well in your endeavor.

Caren,

I wasn't O&H with you earlier. I actually wasn't asking about what Plan A meant to anyone. I was asking for tips to avoid LBing.

Regardless of this, as an individual who is facing many personal, emotional issues Plan A isn't just about filling my WS's ENs. As a matter of fact, because I've discovered I have a serious need to control, I realized when I didn't fully understand what Plan A was that I was only trying to meet WS's needs to manipulate him.

Since I have decided to add additional policies such as POJA and PORH in my Plan A and trying to abide by them without WSs agreement right now, I am also recovering from my own personal issues with trying to control and manipulate as well as other character issues.

I've found by doing so, that I am treating and healing through self-help activities (and I'm starting IC soon) my personality that were marred in past Rs. So for me I am first recovering from behaviors that were preventing me from really giving Plan A a try.

Just my thoughts on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />