To all you FWS do you think its possible to learn from your mistakes? My H says he will never ever do it again but I have never thought a WS could change until my H became one. Is it just wishful thinking on my part? Do any of you know deep in your heart that you will never do this again? My MC says no one can say it will never happen or happen again. I just have never felt tempted to cheat so I dont know if H and I are just made differntly. FWH is very remorseful and felt guilty for a long time before he told me. Any thoughts?

For me, I hope I always remember my shame as a WW. I do not think I could do that again. But for extra insurance, I have instructed all my friends and family, that if I ever start acting waywardy again, to please hit me upside the head.

The only time I can successfully stop smoking, is when I announce my intentions to my support group. So I did the same with fidelity. Hopefully, my sense of shame and regret and the peer pressure will keep me out of the fog for good.

Hey, HF,

I know that I will not cheat again. Once I finally saw it as a choice, I knew I would not choose that painful, destructive course again.

There is no reason to be unfaithful.

LA

Hopingfor,

From my own experience and from what I’ve witnessed on these boards, I know A’s can be “one time mistakes” and WS’s CAN change and not make the same mistakes & wrong choices again – especially if they make amends and are remorseful like your H...
Most A’s happen because people are not aware of their own weaknesses & vulnerabilities and don’t take the necessary precautions to safeguard themselves and their marriages from this. However, many WS’s learn from their mistakes & wrong choices, take the necessary precautions to protect themselves and therefore become Former and Recovered WS’s who are very “sensitized” to A’s and will not allow themselves to make the same mistakes & wrong choices again. They might still become tempted again in future (no one is immune against experiencing temptations), but the way they handle the temptations will be different.

Some people may always have certain weaknesses & vulnerabilities that can make them vulnerable to the opposite sex, but that’s why it’s important to work on those weaknesses and put certain important boundaries in place. Some people may need stronger boundaries than others – it all depends on the individual and specific circumstances.

I know I will not do it again... I am so “sensitized” to A’s now that I won’t allow myself to ever have a close opposite sex friendship again where my H is not part of the friendship and where both of us can spend time with the person. Before my inappropriate friendship, I was not so “sensitized” to opposite sex friendships and therefore allowed myself to enter such a friendship. What I have gone through during and after my inappropriate involvement was extremely difficult & painful and not something I EVER want to go through again. My growth hasn’t happen without a lot of pain and although I still have scares and certain vulnerabilities/weaknesses, I feel like a better and ‘wiser’ person today and I have matured in many ways… I’m extremely sensitized to A’s now and I know my growth and changes wouldn’t have happened without the painful lessons I have learned from my betrayal.

THIS is the key...




Because...


1. What would you do if you felt tempted?


Marriage is a NOT a commitment to never being tempted...We are human, it is impossible to remove the part of us that can be tempted, and EVERYONE is capable of being tempted...


Marriage IS a commitment to never placing yourself in the way of temptation...


It is the recognizing of and protecting yourself and your spouse from that temptation that is paramount to a successful and faithful marriage...without those things in place no one is immune...



2. Would you recognize temptation?


Most affairs don't start as affairs, because most people don't go searching for an affair partner...


Instead they start as friendships...or business associates...or reconnection with an "old flame" from childhood just to catch up...


Little by little under seemingly innocent connections you become closer...you share jokes...and day to day life stories...closer...emails...closer...phone calls...closer...lunch...closer...and so on...each of those things making the slope a bit more slippery...



3. What are you doing to protect yourself and your spouse from temptation?


You are each responsible for making sure that your own needs are met and meeting the needs of your spouse...


Sound confusing? It's not really...


How many times on this board do we hear a new F/WS make excuses for their A based on something that the BS wasn't doing for them? Countless...I'm not pointing fingers, I was there once too...They drone on and on about how bad their marriage was before the A...how unhappy they were...hmmm, whose fault is that really?


What are your EN's...what are your spouse's EN's...Obviously those must be identified and then communicated to one another...


When your spouse isn't meeting your needs, it is your responsiblity to tell them...


If you don't speak up, how are they to know or do anything about it?


And it works both ways...


ASK your spouse if you are meeting their needs in way that is good for them...just because you *think* that you are meeting their needs doesn't make it so...


It's about communication, mutual care and respect...and yes, LOVE...



So, to answer your original question...


Would I cheat again?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!


How do I know?

Because Mr. W and I both know the answers to the questions above...


We actively work on *us* almost everyday...I say *almost* because somedays we are better at it than others...


But we are concious of our mistakes now and we talk about them...that conciousness is a HUGE step...it is THAT that makes all the difference in the world...



Mrs. Wondering

Yes, I know that I will never do it again.

First of all, I know the signs now- I know how I began to feel before the A- and during the beginning stages- where I could have easily stopped things and did not.

Second of all, I've identified the reasons why internally I made the choice to stray and have gone about fixing those issues through IC.

Lastly, because of the pain and the remorse. I do not ever want to feel that way again. I'm a good person and a good mother and I never want to feel the pain, the shame and all of the rest of emotions that go along with it.

Thanks for all your responses. I must say I noticed that you are all women! I hope these responses ring true for men as well.

I dont think I am above anyone here I just never thought this would happen to me. Honestly FWH and I have always been so in love. He says thats one of the reasons why he cheated he was looking for that excitement when I couldnt provide it becasue of the kids being so young. I know now that my total devotion to them was neglecting him.

I have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. Thats why I have never even thought about an affair. You dont run into many men at the playground. I just feel so out of it. I never prepared or worried about an affair. Just wasnt on my radar. I for sure now will be sensitive to it too. I need to forgive him and I need to trust him to not do this again before I do.

Thanks for your thoughts
HF