It's been over 18 months since D day....July of 04. My FWW has had numerous false recoveries but now in the last month says she really is working hard to save this but I've not had the "chance" to physically make love since our anniversary Oct. 05. I'm 46 yrs. old, she is 40...we been together for 9 years and this has been slowly fading for the last 4-5 years. Any thoughts on this?

Hmm - How is it you don't have a "chance" in 6 months?

But the answer to the question asked is "Oh God Yes"

I am with bigkahuna 100%. SF is very important in making someone feel wanted, needed and loved. You need to make it happen Captain!
HF

Just an observation on this board:

Most of the couples that made it had regular SF.

I am not sure I have seen a success story where there was no SF involved.

I wanted to have SF 24/7. I was possessed by the desire to have SF and there was nothing I could do to stop it. The only thing that made me feel good was SF---nothing else worked. Without SF I would have ended the marriage. This is my opinion and this may be different for others.

I am 55.

Go read His needs/Her needs and keep in mind that for many women start SF in their minds then it gradutates down the body. For most men it starts and stays on the lower regions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now you need to know how to communicate with her so that her mind is in tune with what your body wants. Not many women want SF 24/7. That would give most a 'headache'. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

The chance...is I'm tired of being shutdown. She don't want me that way and it's hard to feel loved. Thanks.

I sense u r tired. That's why I recommend you do some reading. Do you realize it took over 10 years for me to know how to communicate with my H? YIKES!!!! How dense could I have been? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Talk about tired. Ok, so we both know how tired a BS c/b. Now while u r resting....read the book. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Is your wife interested in saving your marriage? Is the affair ongoing? I can't believe any woman in a loving relationship would deny her H SF for 6 months.

Do you both follow MB Principles? What did you both do to recover your marriage after the affair?

I think she is sending you a clear message. Her actions do not match her words. I don't think she is serious about true recovery. The question is what are you in the long run willing to accept in a marriage? I wish you luck.

Okay guys, here's my opinion.......



She may still be going through withdrawls. I think other WS's on here have said it took them a while to get back into the swing of things.

It may be a red flag, but that's not the way I'm reading it.....how are the other aspects of your recovery??

Are you able to talk about SF and why she seems against the idea??

God Bless,

-Caren

Bryanp....thanks, I'm always wondering this...and folks I feel if you're loved....truly loved things would have happened by now. Good night, and I'll check back in the morning.

After 18 months it's the mother of all withdrawals.

Welderboy,
Can you think of anything you might be doing differently that could be turning her off?

Are you romantic? Are you romantic without trying to lead it into SF?

Hygiene OK? Daily showers, regular toothbrushing?

Do you take time for lovemaking before getting right down to the finale?

Do you continue making love to her after completion? By this, I mean, holding her, kissing her, talking sweet stuff to her.

Do you repeatedly ask her to do anything in bed that she dislikes?

Do you seduce her? Some men just reach for their wives after the wife gets into bed. That might be OK sometimes, but is a big turn-off ALL the time.

Are you still meeting her needs? Be sure that you are meeting HER needs, and not just the ones you want to meet, like my H does.

Has anything happened since recovery to change her attitude toward you? Could there have been contact, or maybe another affair?


I'm sorry, but it's hard to advise you without knowing more specifics.

Hey...I'm clean, take care of my teeth etc., have been told my many others and even grabbed and hit on by others in this past 2 years. As for what I do leading up to the act...heck it's been so few times in the past 3 yrs...I don't know what to do. I don't think there is any contact,
She does say that she has a lack of trust...not the kind that I'd see another...but sometimes does'nt trust that I'm here for her and loving and protecting with taking care of her forever. That make any sense?

Good question, and one that I've kicked around a lot in the last couple of months.

Our previous counselor actually counseled us against intimacy or SF, because in his opinion MP hadn't closed all the doors and windows in regards to OM. His concern was the emotional abuse I could endure from that.

For me, I took the opinion that SF (and more importantly physical affection in general) are way up in MP's top 5 emotional needs, and was one of her pre-A complaints. So by denying her SF, I would simply reinforce the negative stuff that was already there.

There could be any number of reasons why your wife is not responsive to you. I'm no expert in this area. Keep trying until you can't try anymore, I guess. But make them educated attempts, not blind flailing hoping to find something that works <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There could be contact, but maybe not. If there's been intermittent contact over the last 18 months, and she's just now really trying, then she probably hasn't gone through withdrawal yet (I base that on my personal experience with MP - we still have yet to get NC firmly in place, and the last time we had SF was after she broke NC - I found out later that day. Didn't do a whole lot of good for me in terms of desire for SF).

In the end though, if two people are really trying to recover, or at least find their way to recovery, then I think SF is very important and essential. It can be a wonderful healing tool, among other things.

I know....she just a week ago after her work evaluation deciced to quit her job and gave them notice without talking it over with me. I then let her know that I would make it tougher for us money wise...and she pulled back and didn't quit.
Maybe, I should of left her quit the job showing her the trust she needed?

Hey, what's MP?

Sorry - MP is Magpie, my wife, who posted here in the past but no longer does. Some of the posters on this thread are familiar with my story and who MP is.

SF was the only thing that kept me from throwing my WH out many, many times. We are now 5 months after D day and still have almost daily SF. It keeps me connected to him and less mad. I am surprised you can hold it together for so long without it. Your wife must have deep resentments or is still in her A.

I am a FWW, trying to recover in my M. Here is my perspective: as I am still going through very intense withdrawal, it is very difficult for me to get back into SF with my H. We have spent so long not caring about each others' EN that it is very difficult for me to shift that attention to him. I force myself so that we have a chance, but it is tough to overcome so much pain...give some time...For women, the heart and head are very intimately connected to SF