Okay....today is the first day my livin boyfriend is home from work he quit his job two weeks ago his last day was this past Friday.....he had to leave in order to work on our relationship the girl he had his A with worked with him....okay so this is his first day home he called me at about 8:05 AM said nothing about going out after he put my daughter on the bus this morning for school....I have tried calling the house no answer.....I have tried calling his cell phone it is off.....my mind is wondering as I have no idea where he might be.....amd I being paranoid.....I feel like I'm going out of my mind.....and I'm thinking to myself I can't live my life this way......I'm sitting here thinking I should have never let him move back in .....he was out of the house for about 6 weeks......someone help me......does it get easier with time to trust again???? I just don't know if I have what it takes to make this relationship work......

Your BF needs to be accountable to you for his time. That is IF he wants a relationship with you. Rebuilding the trust is on him now. It won't be easy and he needs to know that.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, get your hands on a copy. It really explains things very well.

((((sad))))
Loni

First, he quit his job to work on your relationship. That's HUGE. My W found her latest "friend" through her job, and she won't even consider leaving her job, though she's only had it for 2 months. Of course she doesn't want to come back at this point, so we're obviously in different places.

Second, IMHO, perhaps living together before marriage (assuming that's what you eventually want) statistically is detrimental to your future marriage, anyway.

Third, calm down. Anyone who would have an A is someone who isn't feeling totally connected to you. By your calling and keeping track of him, you're probably making him feel trapped. This is similar to what happened to me and my W, I think. I wanted to *feel* reassured that she was really committed to me/us, but what she felt by my calls and any unscheduled contact was that I was monitoring her, and keeping her trapped. Forget the fact that it wasn't my intent. And nevermind the fact that a number of times she gave me GRAVE reason to be concerned about her committment.

The point is, let go. He fell in love with you of his free will in the first place. If he's going to stay in love with you, he has to know he's choosing to, and not that you're trapping him.

Have your boundaries, be firm. Also, be your own confident person. Nobody wants to be stuck with a clingy-needy person. I know when my W first started to drift towards others, I became VERY needy. Of course, I had undiagnosed long-term depression, and that really didn't help things, but the point is it made me look even less attractive, when she was realizing what her "options" were.

For me, my W has left. She left almost 2 weeks ago, to be her own person. As soon as she had moved out (sorta... she sleeps at her aunt's condo) she declared herself to be un-married, and started to date again. I kept trying to invite her back home, and show her how loving I could be, and all the while she saw each contortion I was doing to prove my love as a way to try to compell her to return. I realized that to the extent that I need to change to be the person I want/need to be, then I should continue to improve myself, but I don't have to appologize any more, she has to accept her own actions and their consequences.

Long-story-short... Stop calling him so much. Tell him you'ld love it if he would prove his willingness to be accountable and open with his whereabouts and schedule, but let HIM choose to comply. If he's taking time to think about who he wants to be, then calling him now to check-up on him will only work to drive him away.

I hope that helps.

TestedDevotion,

Thanks for the wisdom......You make very valid points....now I just need my heart to communicate with my brain.......Its very hard for me to trust him.....granted his A was very quick....it was more of an emotional affair then a physical one....although there was physical contact...I trusted him completely never doubted him but now I'm struggling big time with trust......I do feel better n ow that he isn't working with her anymore but it makes me crazy that his thinks I should just be over everything by now....its been three weeks since they last had contact....he wants to sweep everything under the rug....we go for our second therapy session tonight so I will see what comes out of that......somedays I think I can forgive him and move on other days I don't.....and well tomorrow is antoher day.....I'm taking it day by day.....and I'm working on finding me again.....and making myself healthy......this way I can be a better stronger person no matter what happens with this relationship.....

OF COURSE, he wants to sweep it under the rug. He doesn't like to think of himself as a cheater. The sooner he can escape from that reality, the sooner he'll like himself again... He thinks.

Well, at 3 weeks, if the A did have significant emotional ties, he'll be feeling really low. Let him. Don't be mean about it, but he's got to go THROUGH this.

The Sun will rise tomorrow, just like it did today. You knew how to breathe before you met your BF, and if it doesn't work out, you won't suddenly forget. You CANNOT control his actions, and your fretting about it is your anxiety over your intense desire to protect yourself (read "control") from the pain he is able to cause you. What goes on in your heart and mind are things that belong JUST to you. If you love him, then you're human. If he leaves, he's imperfect. If he stays and commits to you then he's better than he was before.

Accept that you weren't perfect, and chances are you won't ever be. Accept that you didn't CAUSE him to have the affair. If he hasn't, at some point, it is likely that he will attempt to shift the blame to you. Remember, it doesn't fit you. Any attempt to hold onto it is actually an attempt to control him.

Go out for lunch today. Buy yourself your favorite flavor of milkshake and enjoy the flavor right there in the moment. Knowing your boundaries allows you to enjoy the things that are within them, and let go of the things that are not.

Good luck!

TestedDevotion

He actually isn't depressed at all very upbeat....his mom even said to me I haven't seen him this happy in a while....he seems very happy now that he is back with you.....I did blame myself when I first found out about his A but I've learned not to take that on myself....he says he feels very guilty and embarrassed by what he did....I guess only time will tell if he is serious about this relationship and I guess only time will tell if I can ever trust him again....You are so correct when you talk about my desire to protect myself. Where can I read about control that you refer to in your post?