Quick Backround - My W and I are separated and this helped along a EA to a PA. I found MB and it helped more with the changes I started to make, mostly with too busy of a life style and not talking/sharing our feelings. My W has been in a place of not thinking she wants to be married at times before. But we always pathced it up, swept it under the rug and went back to our same life. No real POJA's or sit down to talk about real changes. We have been married 18 years with 2 sons 10 and 13.

I have always had my gut feeling about her A and to get the 'proof' I needed I had to go into her apartment, through an unlocked sliding glass door and found the love letters from the OP. Once I had the proof, I started the MB proceedures. This was about 3 months ago.

I exposed to her brother, her parents, a couple of close friends and the OP's parents. The OP's parents exposed her to other people. Then I went into Plan A. It is a rollercoaster of one week being pleasent and one week being cold. This shows me that contact is still going on.

Her biggest thing is that she doesn't trust me! Because I went into her place and got the 'evidedence" (a word she didn't like me to use). She is furious about it and the exposure and it seems to be the biggest thing that keeps her from getting close to me.

Right after exposure, she reacted by filing D papers. The are just sitting there doing nothing right now but she can push it through any time if she gets pissed off again. So far exposure did get the A in the light, but people who want something bad enough are going to find a way to do it.

She sees a grass is greener thing right now. Even though we seemed to have a great life. She doesn't really see what real damage a D will do. She keeps saying we can be friendly about it and make it as good as we can. I tell her basically I'm all in this marriage or all out. I have friends, I need her as my wife.

So with all the exposure threads going on it got me to think, that my exposure helped me in my head and it helped others see that I wasn't just trying to make things up as to why she was separating. She says that the A wasn't the reason that we broke up. And all the usual text book foggy things. But to her it still is a big LB and major stumbling block for moving forward.

But now what, how can I get her in her mind, to not think she can't trust and respect me. More time? more plan A? I don't see any movement with the carrot and the stick just pisses her off.

ltw, of course she shouldn't "trust you" to help her carry on her affair! That would be crazy. She is resentful that you interfered with her affair and wouldn't help hide her secret.

Let me assure you that your exposure makes it much harder for her to carry on her affair with a 21 yr old boy. She is naturally embarrassed about that. Exposing it has squeezed her by forcing her to face the consequences of her affair. That does not mean the immediate end of the affair, but it sure inflicted a huge blow to it.

Plan A ALONE rarely ends the affair, most do have to go into Plan B.

Once you have done everything you can possibly do in Plan A, it is time to move to Plan B. I think you have done a pretty good Plan A and have exposed to everyone you could. Have you read up on Plan B?

Check out the link in my signature and read the section on Plan B on Surviving an Affair.

Mel - I think she does resent all the small town gossip, even though she says she doesn't care what people say anymore. She seems to be brainwashing herself that she is OK and that helps her keep the wall up between us. And then of course it all comes back to me because "I wasn't man enough to deal with it own my own, I had to tell who I told, I had to talk to people, when it's our business not everyone elses." Her words.

There are still some things in Plan A i want to do. Yes, there are many times when I want to say 'F' it and go into plan B. But there there must be stuff in my love bank to keep plan a for a while more.

On the days she's not as alien she says she just wants to be friendly, then when I answer a friendly e-mail or something back to her in a friendly way she says, I'm pushing it.

My other problem is that I have the D papers hanging over my head like a guillotine. Our kids, I think are the glue that is holding her where she is.

How do you answer when she says that the trust and respect are gone? And with out that she can't have a relationship with me. And that she will not forgive me for going into the apartment and going through her stuff.

When I say that she just has to give it a chance she says she doesn't want to. I have tried to reassure her of the changes I've mad eand she sees them but she says it's too late. It seems like nothing I do is right.

ltw, women who fool around with 21 yr boys are going to be gossiped about. You have no control over that. Had she not done something about which to be gossiped, she would have nothing to complain about. She is just trying to blame you for a natural consequence of having an affair. Affairs are NOT a "private business," they effect many others.

When she says that "trust and respect are gone," simply agree with her by saying: "yes trust and respect are damaged when one has an affair." Other than that, don't try and reason with her, it is a waste of time. Don't try to get a fogged out WS to agree with you that exposing her was a good thing, it ain't gonna happen so just move on and stop trying.

ltw, Plan A is not meant to be a way of life. It is intended to last around 6 weeks to 3 months and then it's time for Plan B. Your W is in cakeeating mode and will stay there until you shut her off. Staying in Plan A too long only serves to enable her bad behavior and further entrench her in her affair. You have already shown her your good side and exposed the affair, there is nothing more to do there.

Time to start looking at the next step, my friend.

I undewrstand that Plan A has a limit and I think I'm really close to that time. I think I will go even more full speed into it and make sure I don't step on myself for the next few weeks before going to B. Will have to read more on it too because we still share a lot of things like finances and still have the same circle of friends that invite us places.

I know it hard to reason with her and it's sooooo frustrating. Especially when you do say that the trust is not there because of her relationship and she comes back with 'see, we don't trust each other so there's nothing left.'

Endless excuse loop.

She says she got married too young. That now she is a different person, more independent. That's all fine, everyone knows that people change, you just have to roll with the changes.

Why can't they see that giving it another try wouldn't be so bad! Why can't they see that when a BS does hit rockbottom as is doing the things they said they wanted/needed that they can't get over it and try to start fresh.

It would be so simple...

Blah, Blah Blah Blah. Fog babble and moose brains.

When you have almost no more love left for WS, then it's time for Plan B. Until then do the best Plan A you can.

Itw,

There are times in everyone's life, where the people we love have to protected from themselves. If I suspected my mother was abusing prescription drugs....would I invade her privacy so I could get her the help she needs? Yes. If I suspected my daughter were contemplating suicide, would I read her diary? Yes. If I suspected my son was building a bomb in his room, would I search his room? Yes I would. The erosion of trust, in all of these scenarios would have begun not with ME...but with my loved ones and some very self destructive choices. Your wife is the one who undermined the trust in the relationship.....now it's easier to blame shift because you investigated her lies. The difference between what you did and what she did....is that she was hiding the truth...and you were seeking the truth. One of the cruelest things that a WS does is to protect their lies in an attempt to make you look crazy, and to accuse the BS of undermining trust when it is the affair and lies that are the origin of mistrust. She doesn't like that you "finished" what she started....because until then....she had control. It's very easy to blame exposure instead of facing the truth that if her actions were ethical....there would be nothing for anyone to gossip about.


Real men don't sit back idly and quietly while their wife carries on an affair. He fights for his marriage. He does everything in his power to make the affair as uncomfortable as possible so that the affair ends and the marriage and the family have a chance....beginning with discovering the TRUTH. He's fighting for more than just himself. He's fighting for the future of his children and family. Real men don't enable affairs by cushioning it in secrecy. You tell your wife you're a REAL man....not some 21 year old whelp who's thinking with the wrong head. Your wife isn't just ruining your life and your kids lives....she's ruining the HIS life too. What does he get out of this relationship? Tawdry sex, sin, scandal, a woman with no morals, angry parents and an tainted view of the most important relationship in life. Her selfishness is boundless.

Now....ML is right....it really is time to move to Plan B.

ITW, I have to echo what others have already told you. Plan A isn't about making you submissive to your wife's choice to commit adultery, particularly with a young man who is virtually a child. Everything she's saying is babble and you should babble right back for as long as you decide to remain in Plan A. Perhaps a review of Orchid's "Reverse Babble" thread is in order? Here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=019927


You've done a good job of exposure and implementing Plan A. Those are steps along the way but now it's time to begin planning for the next step. Read up on Plan B and begin readying yourself for it.

I suggest you separate your finances from your adulterous wife's if you have not already done so. Let her support her affair all by herself. Because Plan B involves no contact with her, start looking for someone who can help you go dark by letting your wife pick up the boys at their residence when she wants to visit with her children. I think you have to protect yourself against the sword of Damocles hanging over your head by retaining an attorney and have him or her ready to file for temporary custody of your children. That is something you probably should have already done, but if you haven't, now is a real good time to get it done.

ITW, don't wait until all of your love, energy, and patience have been leached out of you because of her cake-eating in Plan A. Start Plan B to protect yourself, your love for her, and to safeguard yourself and your children, okay?