Ok, wh decided to come home and give the marriage another try. He admitted to seeing ow at work the day before he came home. He said he simply walked in passed her desk, said hello and walked into the boss's office.


Is a NC letter still in order? We are 2 months past d-day and this is the only contact he is admitting to other than the fact that they talked after I exposed to OW's H.

ALso what now? I know Plan A, but whatif HE brings up relationship talk. I told him I wanted him to quit his job and he would not budge saying he worked too hard to get where he is and if that was the case, we could just go ahead and devide stuff up ( lovely!)

But now, he keeps asking ME if I thought anymore about the job ultimatum. HE wants to talk about it, so do I still avoid it at all costs?

And he gets so agravated with me for asking a million questions everyday, but this is allowed in plan A right?

{{But now, he keeps asking ME if I thought anymore about the job ultimatum. HE wants to talk about it, so do I still avoid it at all costs?}}
I think if he brings it up I would keep stressing that the marriage can't be worked on while he see's OW on a daily basis..whether he tells you they just say 'hi' or not...I really don't think (and Dr. Harley stresses) that recovery can begin while there is still contact with the OP.

{{And he gets so agravated with me for asking a million questions everyday, but this is allowed in plan A right?}}

No, I'm pretty sure that is not 'allowed'...Plan A is about making the WS WANT to be with you, not dreading walking in the door because he will be bombarded with questions. I Know it's the hardest thing ever to keep those questions to yourself, but you will have the opportunity to ask them..just not all at once...I was advised to write down the things I wanted to ask my FWH before I spoke to him..wait a day or so and then re-evaluate whether it's something you really HAVE to know at that minute.
The only thing I allowed myself to ask my H during Plan A was if he had talked to the OW that day..I wasn't real confident that he was being honest, but I wanted him to know that I wouldn't tolerate any contact and would keep asking until I was sure she was gone. That didn't happen for me until he quit his job though.

Read Arks' post to BS's titled "Be still"..it's the best advice you can use right now..

I wish someone more experienced than me would respond to your post, I'm worried that you're stuck in 'panic mode' and Plan A is seriously hard to do while in that condition...you don't want to appear desperate and demanding to your H at this point. Have you read His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair yet? If you don't have those at the moment, you can find some great guidance in the 'articles' section of this site.

I don't think you completely understand the point of Plan A yet, but I'm here to tell you, the Plan works if you can bring yourself to follow it correctly. I made lots of mistakes myself, mostly by bringing up my resentment and making offhand smart*ss comments about the A. Use this site to vent your frustration if you have to, but please, stay calm and still and be patient.

I wouldn't give ground on the No Contact letter, and yes, I think one is still needed if he is being honest with you about ending it. Just don't 'nag' or 'beg' for one...show him why he fell in love with you in the first place and make home a nice, comforting place to be.

Let us know how you are doing..

cantgiveup, I think this will help you:


"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

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