hubby and I have been married for 8yrs. he told me that while he loves me, he doesn't like me and hasn't been happy in a very long time and he is thinking about leaving me. This isn't the first time we've gotten to this point. Each time I have fixed something and things have been great for a while and then have gotten bad again. I had absolutely no idea he was that unhappy. He was even looking for separation information online at work. He even lied repeatedly when I asked him if he was that unhappy because he wasn't ready to have that conversation with me, and he was trying to spend more time at work to avoid spending time with me because I make him miserable. A lot of what is going on is that he doesn't suggest things or do things with me because he assumes I will say no or I will react negatively because I have done so in the past. he has decided he has 1 shot at happiness in life and doesn't want to go through life being unhappy anymore.

I guess I have been self involved, controlling, and a b to him because I have been miserable myself. I have self esteem problems stemming from an emotionally abusive childhood and have difficulty accepting that someone could love me. He wants me to be myself and to not put on an act because I want to hold on to him. The trouble is that I don't know who the real me is because my whole life I've acted a certain way in order to get people to like me which didn't really work. I also have trust issues because he had an emotional affair 3 yrs ago and solicited for sex online when we were first together. He did not act out and swears he has never been unfaithful. He does spend a lot of time with internet porn and has since before we got together.

He wants to go to marriage counseling. We went to a counselor briefly before we got married as part of the church requirements and that counselor spent 10min with us and told us we shouldn't get married. I'm afraid the same thing will happen if we go to marriage counseling. I love him with all of my heart and I will do anything to make things work. I'm just afraid he has all ready decided that he is unhappy and things aren't going to change.

Last night after our talk we actually spent time together and he said he was cautiously optimistic about things. I know I really have to get my act together. I'm wondering if I should seek individual counseling before marriage counseling. He likes who I've been the past couple of weeks since I changed birth control methods (I think hormones played a part in my distance) - more engaging, solicitous, and affectionate, but he's afraid I'm putting on an act.

Welcome, W2BH,

I think you've just changed the dynamics at work in your marriage...you found MarriageBuilders. Read all the articles on this website...get to know what makes a marriage great..emotional needs, love busters, the love bank...get to know your own needs and your H's...

Why not individual counseling (IC) AND marital counseling (MC)? You've already identified that you cause your own misery...and so does your H. By choice. You can't cause each other's. Working on your own issues isn't changing how you behave, but what you believe...so you've been going through this cycle of better/worse for a legitimate reason.

You're not crazy, defective or wrong. You're human. And you're not alone. Read all the forums...they display other humans working on their issues, very similar to yours, and the advice and support given them. You're worth it.

You are complete, whole and marvelously made. God never made no junk...so you can't be the first. Not loving yourself isn't a defect, either...you've nailed it down to where it began...you have child-like beliefs in you and adult knowledge. You can do this.

He can believe differently from you...that he has never been unfaithful. Respect that as his belief, not your truth. You know he has with his EA. The porn. He has his issues...you can't cause, control or cure him. He is fully capable of that.

Do not allow your fear of the future (failing) to stop you from doing something your H would like to do...your choice matters. Make it not from fear...your fear comes from the past...leave it there.

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LA

If you see this, and I hope you do, I want you to know that there is hope. Posting on the Emotional Needs board may be very helpful. This portion of MB doesn't get many posters.

I think admitting and wanting to change your nrgative feelings is a good step forward.

You can only "act" for soo long before your trueself will re-emerge.

If you find out why you are so unhappy, and take steps to correct it, there is no way you can not succeed