I'm new here, and need help from you guys...

my fiance is going through some issues that deal with her ex husband...

Background on Me:
I'm 34 with a 14 year old son from a relationship
with my highschool girlfriend..we never got married but lived together
briefly and I've had custody for about 13 years of his life. Since our
breakup I've dated off and on...nothing lasted over 6 months or so, didn't
seem like the right girl I guess...

Background on Her:
She is 29, has a 5 year old girl from her exhusband who
was her highschool sweetheart...they got married right out of highschool and
were together for about 14 years total I think...
He turned out to be one of those guys that mentally abuse their wives...and
perhaps a little physical abuse too, not sure how serious that was. anyway,
she caught him cheating on her with her best friend...
Since that time they got divorced...he has now married the "friend" he was
sleeping with behind her back. She jumped right into a relationship immediately
after the divorce with another guy....that didn't last more than a couple weeks
I think.


the now:
then we met and hit it off....dated for a while, then her and her
daughter moved in with me and my son. We decided the house was not big enough
for the four of us(worked fine for two) so we went and bought a great big
house together...We initially planned on getting married a year ago this coming
Aug. but a motorcycle accident cancelled those plans...She got hurt much worse
than I did...(a boy blew through a red light and hit us broadside) She had
a broken back and shattered shoulder. She spent a long time in the hospital
having surgeries and recovering...and I was by her bedside for the first couple
weeks until I had to get back to work. Then I cared for her after she arrived
back home. she is getting along well now, still sore, but all in all pretty good
concidering her injuries.
So now we had move our wedding date to this summer, July.

BUT, somewhere around xmas time or newyears...she started pushing me away...
the sex got less and less, and she just didn't seem as 'in love' as she once
did. finally she told me that she just doesn't know what she wants anymore and
isn't sure she can love me the way a wife should love her husband...
She has been seeing a counselor about all of her issues(Ex, acciden't, and now cancer)
Oh, yes...just when it couldn't get any worse...after she told me about her feelings
of not knowing what she wants...she was diagnosed with some sort of cancer...we'll
know more after tests this Wed...

The counselor says she hasn't dealt with her issues dealing with her ex husband...
(I've read on this board about the healing time one must go through before entering
another relationship)...
The counselor and her mother both think it would be a good idea if she moved back
in with her parents for a while. I don't like the idea of her leaving, but on the
other hand, I understand that she may need this time to "re-group" if you will.
She hasn't made a decision on this yet....

so now that you all know some background information on me and my fiance...
what should I do...what is going on...how can I fix it....will she ever love
me again?

I need help badly

Just show your commitment by giving her the support and love that she needs. Dont push her or demand that she makes a decision on "US"...leave her alone to make that decision herself.

Keep on loving. Show her your care and concern. BE CONSISTENT. It wont be easy. Give her the time that she needs.

She could be concerned about her health problem and the future it holds for the both of you. You need to show her your commitment that you will be there for her in sickness and in health.

Keep on doing all of the above and she will love you again.

We, ex betrayed spouses have huge trust and security issues...its our baggage...only time will heal. The other person MUST be patient and understand this. Only his/her commitment and consistency in showing love will help.

I have been there. Broke off with my bf many times but his commitment and consistency kept me on the hook. Once i knew that my bf will be there for me NO MATTER what...i became more stable in my emotions. Its a healing process.

I hope this helps you. Take care

thanks zizzy,

I think I'm doing pretty much the things you said I need to be doing...I just need to keep doing them throughout all of this...

I'm moving this topic to the general-emotional forum or whatever it is called...seems to be more activity there...

thanks for the reply you gave me...good to know I'm on the right track....

Kudos to you for thinking of the kids. Walking away from her would be walking away from her child, and taking your child out of a 'family' that he has grown to know.

Not all divorced moms and dads parade their kids through a variety of 'prospective' new daddies or mommies. Some do, selfishly or ignorantly. But many do put their kids needs first AND also seek to rebuild their own lives. Do I have to be a single mom for the next 10 years to be a GOOD mom to my kids? No. I am 100% certain that my kids NEEDED to see me in a safe, loving relationship after what they witnessed. I have prayed about that a lot and I have no doubts.

Blending families and stepparenting are hard WITHOUT added drama; abusive past, hospitalization, cancer... I, like you, made a lifetime commitment to my now-hubby long before there were wedding bells, and made sure the kids were going to mesh. (Ours are closer in age.)

It is hard to tell what she needs. She may not know, herself. I needed distance and closeness. I needed to be self-sufficient and helped out. I needed to be held and left alone. Most of all, more than anything, after what I'd been through I needed to know that he would be there no matter what I went through and/or did to him. I tried to break up twice. I waffled so much over getting married again. The more he liked the idea, the less I did. I spent at least the first year waiting for the shoe to fall... they all say that once you've been in an abusive relationship, you end up in another, because you subconsciously look for the same traits. I obsessed over "red flags" and wondered if LOVE ITSELF was even real. (After all, my ex "loved" me at one point.)

You can ask if you can go to counseling with her. I wonder if that would help her feel more secure.

thanks...

I've talked to her about the counseling...I said if she or her couselor would ever like me to attend i would...

I think they are talking about her X right now though