"Yes, I do feel I need to respond immediately. If I don't, I hold it in and only get angrier."

-That is your belief then, and it is not necessarily true at all. You may "get over it" as you think through and realize it wasn't a personal attack. Or you may still be mad the next day, but have time to formulate a response that will actually have a better chance at working for you.

"I also can choose not to speak to him so I can avoid hearing them."

-Yes, and you can also choose to have an unhappy unfulfilled life. You are right, those are your choices. Why are you posting here if you don't want to improve? Do you really just have time you want to kill and nothing better to do with it?

"I told him exactly what I want. I want him to delete the e-mail"

-That's it? OK, I don't know the history on this nor do I want to get into it, but I think I would go for something more along the lines of "Tell her to never call you again and don't you ever call her again either. Me or her, you pick" Of course there is probably a more tactful way of stating this.

"We aren't arguing over the flower comment. It has been done and over with between us, it only continues on here."

-My point exactly. Why are you still carring it on within yourself, beating up your marriage over it, even if it is only in your head and here? If you don't want to try to make things work, or try to let things go so YOU can be happy, why are you posting here?

It is true that I get angrier. I'm not sure I understand which part is my belief and may not be true at all. What do I do during the time I am coming up with a response. During that time, when I have tried this in the past, he asks me over and over what's wrong, even when I tell him what's wrong he keeps asking. Then I am mad about that also.



I don't recall saying I didn't want to improve. Oh yeah lots of time that's it. Ok, sarcasm aside. I don't understand all of this separate but equal stuff, I'm really trying, Every time I start questioning it people either stop responding or they accuse me of not wanting to change. I don't see the world as this. I'm sorry. Everyone I have met in life doesn't seem to see the world like this. So, I am simply trying to understand.



People here kept posting about the flower situation. I would just reply to posts, it continued on and on and on lol.

"It is true that I get angrier"

-Really? You not only won't 'get over it' but actually get angrier? 100% of the time? There is no possiblility what so ever of another result? Are you using a small percentage of 'examples' to formulate a factual belief again? You are claiming you got over the flower sitch above and are no longer angry in the same post, so which is it? You need to challenge your belief here that you will only get angrier if you don't speak right away and see if it needs to be replaced.

"What do I do during the time I am coming up with a response. During that time, when I have tried this in the past, he asks me over and over what's wrong, even when I tell him what's wrong he keeps asking. Then I am mad about that also."

-I feel for ya, I can see how that would be frustrating. Making you feel frustrated on top of your anger, I understand. You are entitled to your feelings. No one is tring to take that away from you. It is just that you are in control of how you respond to sitchuations, so why not respond in ways that make you feel better about yourself and have a higher probablility of getting the results you want?

How to respond to his prying when you asked for time/space, that is a separate issue that needs to be addressed. We talked a little about that before and I suggested you approach him at a quite time and let him know that you would be taking a little time before responding from now on. Time to think through your feelings and responses. Time to post here and discuss first too if you would like. You said he was usually good about giving you space, I see a contradiction in what you say here. Which is it, he gives you time/space when you ask or he doesn't? No attack here, it's just that you need to sort this out so you know what the issue really is so you can find a healthy way to approach or deal with this secondary issue.

"I don't recall saying I didn't want to improve. "

-I'm sorry, my wording was bad. I did not intend to define you and what you were feeling or saying. I was just trying to challenge and point out that you have choices. You have the choice to stop communicating with your H and stew in your anger and resentment, just as you have a choice to not address and work on the things that are causing you pain and problems, just as you have the choice to bust out and try something new. It just appears to me that you often allow yourself to make the 'easy' choices that aren't getting you anywhere anytime soon. That is why I question your desire to want things to change. It seems you want things to change with yourself and your H, but you don't want to make the effort to make that happen. Posting here is a first step, but that is the easy part. What actions you choose in your home and life when you are not on-line is the hard part. Without that part, this part is null.

"Everyone I have met in life doesn't seem to see the world like this."

-Is that an excuse as to why you can't get it? Don't let people around you be an excuse for what you can and can't do. They are separate from you and have no bearing what so ever on WHO you are and WHAT you are capable of.

"Every time I start questioning it people either stop responding or they accuse me of not wanting to change."

-I see questioning and challenging ideas different than giving reasons why it won't work for you. Giving reasons why suggestions won't work is understandable sometimes because you may need a different suggestion at the time, but sometimes it can indicate that a person just isn't really willing to put forth the effort to try. People can offer help, but if you aren't willing to make the effort (and yes it takes effort, no doubt about it!!) to try the suggestions there is nothing anyone can do FOR you. WITH you yes, FOR you no. This is not just in regards to your marriage here, that is a symptom, this is all about YOU and YOUR life and YOUR happiness and in turn YOUR children's too. Maybe your H has annoying habits or differences from you, but so does EVERYONE. You can't see what is really caused by your H and what is caused by YOU, until you work out YOUR stuff first. That is just the way it works. Then you have clarity and understanding. Then you will know what you need to do to make your life happy/fulfilling.

May I suggest you print this out, and re-read it from the beginning. Highlight parts and make notes to yourself. Keep it as a reference, read it again and again. I think most of the lessons for you for now are in here already. Maybe if you can re-read you can get a solid foundation to come back and post and build upon.

I did this myself because it got to a point where there was just too much information for me and too different from anything I had ever heard or even concidered to take ANY of it in! I couldn't keep posting and getting more info when what was already said hadn't gotten through yet. Maybe your at that point too, what do ya think?

Hi BTE,

Just thinking about you, wondering how you're doing.

I totally understand what you mean about not wanting to get into that touchy-feely stuff. I read a book that EO has mentioned, The Commitment Chronicles, a few years ago. It's all about finding the ways in which you were "wounded" in your past, and how you use other people to fill in the gaps, and how you can heal yourself to be "whole" again so that you can have real, healthy relationships.

And I just couldn't do any of the exercises in that book! I can't remember exactly what they were, but there was one that had to do with identifying your values and priorities (I had NO idea what mine were or how to find out) and then one that had to do with remembering and resolving old emotions, starting with anger and grief and fear, stuff like that, eventually working up to having feelings of love and safety, or something along those lines. And I just couldn't do it. Didn't want to feel any of that stuff, couldn't even really remember those old feelings.

So I left them buried a while longer (2 more years, maybe?), and then one day last summer I woke up and I hated myself. I felt like I had lost all the parts of me that I liked and become this whiny, grouchy, mean, hopeless old lady at the age of 26. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

So that's when I realized I needed to change. Not for my H, not for our marriage, but because I want to be able to love myself and be proud of who I am. Which meant learning about who I think I am. Which unfortunately meant jumping back into that touchy-feely junk.

For me, it's not so much about getting in touch with my inner child, or picturing myself in a desert, or anything like that. For me, that's just meant looking back over my memories, seeing what was painful and what wasn't, seeing what I learned from my parents and whether I still want to keep those behaviors and beliefs.

I'm still working through it -- there's a lot of painful stuff in there, and I don't want to re-live it all at once -- but it's really helped me to see how I've punished my H for things my parents or past boyfriends did, and how I've believed he was hurting me when in fact the way I was treating myself was what hurt me.

To me, that's why it's important to delve into the past and the touchy-feely stuff -- it's hard to change what you're doing now if you aren't recognizing your patterns from the past.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I'm struggling with this, too!
HTBH

Hi Happy!

Thanks for stopping in. I am here, reading, absorbing, trying to sort things out in my mind. Last week I saw a new Dr for an ongoing issue and he put me on a new medication. I avoid medication as much as possible but I am at my wits end. Well, this medicine leaves me very very groggy and sleepy, in a fog most of the time. It seems to be getting better as time goes on. I am playing with the time I take it trying to see if that will help. I am not one to sleep in and this weekend I was lucky to drag myself out of bed before 11.

On top of that, my girls were visiting their granny for the weekend, so dh and I were kid free. We had a rough time to start the weekend but things improved.

This evening I got frustrated with him. But I didn't stay angry. Told him what upset me and let it go from there. He got home from work and I was getting dinner together. He was sitting at the table while I was preparing plates, ice in cups etc, the girls were helping me out. I got the three of them all situated and then finished making plate, but the time I sat down to have dinner he was done with his plate. I just thought it was rude that he wouldn't wait for me to eat. O'well, it won't kill me lol.



lol I have your twin over here... She's been here for a good 3 years lol, I will be 30 in Oct.

Hi BTE!

I can't tell you how much fun it is to read something that says "Hi Happy!" and realize it's meant for ME. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I hope your new medicine works out for you! It certainly would be hard to be groggy all the time.



LOL. I always wanted an older sister! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

One thing I wanted to mention about your post...



That would annoy me, too! My H generally waits for me to sit down, but he eats much faster than I do, and he used to just get up and leave me sitting alone at the table when he was done! So I hear you on this one.

Have you tried telling him why you think it was rude? How you feel when he eats first? Do you know how you feel? "I thought it was rude" isn't actually a feeling, you know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

For me, the hardest part of this whole thing has been identifying how I feel. But I'm getting better at it. For example, I told my H that I felt lonely when he left me at the dinner table. I think I may have even started the conversation by telling him I thought it was rude for him to leave the table while I was still eating, and he was like, "How is that rude? I have things I need to do." It was a lot more effective for me to say I would love it if he would sit and keep me company so I wouldn't feel lonely.

Amazingly, he has started sitting with me after he is finished, and he usually even asks if I'm done visiting with him instead of just getting up and wandering off. I love it!

Your H might also appreciate it if you can tell him what you're feeling rather than simply pointing out that you find his behavior rude.

Just a thought! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
HTBH

It's amazing the effect it has on you isn't it? My sn here used to be neverenough. GHNL was on me to change it all of the time. It took a couple of years and I finally did. It's a lot nicer to read better than never.



Me too! More so, I hope it helps with the problem I'm having. I'v heard it takes some time to get used to before the tiredness wears off, <crossing my fingers> I didn't get up until 10am today. Luckily, my daughters are visiting their Aunt.



No I didn't. I see what you are saying that rude isn't an actual feeling. I have a hard time sharing my feelings. Don't trust him with them. I felt it to be disrespectful, which really isn't a feeling either. If we are out at a restraunt with friends he will wait until everyone has their plate before eating, which is the proper thing to do, but he can't wait for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Also, he chooses not eat at work all day or before he goes to work and he works a 12 hour shift. Then he comes home and stuffs himself quickly and usually falls asleep quickly after that, but then gets upset because he can't lose weight, afterall he doesn't eat that much <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> There's all kinds of frustration wrapped up in it. My girls also asked that night if they were going to bless the food, since he had already started eating he told them to each do it themselves. Which is a good learning thing for them, they learn that they can do it by themselves even when other people don't, but this is usually something we do together as a family.

Hi BTE,

Yep, the "happy" screenname sure makes a difference! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



I know what you mean. I still have a really hard time sharing my feelings with my H, even though I really want to. But you know what? I'm starting to think that I don't trust ME with my feelings -- it's not about him. Because once I have really listened to myself and given myself permission to really acknowledge my feelings (I posted an example of this process on EO's thread if you're interested), once I am comfortable with my feelings, it's a lot easier to share.



LOL, nope, it's not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> But that can lead you in the direction of a feeling -- did you feel neglected? Ignored? Taken for granted? Dismissed? Does one of those fit?



It sounds like you're thinking, "he KNOWS his manners, he uses them in public, but he won't treat me well at home." What if he's thinking, "Oh rats, we're out in public again, I have to behave properly so I don't embarass myself or BTE." But when he's at home, he's totally relaxed, he doesn't have to impress anyone, and manners just slip his mind.

I don't know WHY he did that, my example may be totally off the mark. But my point is, there may be an explanation that has nothing to do with you, and it sounds to me that you are attributing a negative explanation, which increases your hurt feelings, even though you don't actually know why he did it.

I'm not saying that your feeling (whatever it is!) isn't valid. But I'm saying that it really helps to trace your feeling back, see what you feel and why you're upset.



How is this your problem???

What I mean is, I think you need to let him own this one. My H will do the same thing -- he does eat breakfast but then he won't eat again for another 12 hours. Me, I prefer to eat 3 square meals plus 2-3 snacks a day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It used to drive me nuts that he wouldn't eat lunch -- it's not good for him! It ruins his metabolism! But it's his choice what he eats and when. And I can't make him eat. And I would much rather focus on what I am planning to eat next <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> than to worry about his meals!



Is it possible that the reason he told them to go ahead and bless their own meals was that he was embarrassed for starting to eat ahead of them? Maybe he didn't want to draw more attention to himself by putting down his fork and saying blessing with them? Or maybe he was just tired and hungry and focused so completely on your wonderful cooking that he forgot about the blessing.

Again, it sounds to me like you are trying to find some kind of fault or intention in his behavior, when maybe he just wasn't even thinking about it.

Do you believe that your feeling has to be justified by his behavior to be valid? That it's not OK for your feelings to be hurt unless he does something to intentionally hurt them?

Probably taken for granted. I often feel that way in the house. Little things they do or don't do most of the time that leave me feeling this way.



I asked him why he did it. He said he didn't know. I'm thinking he was simply hungry. After working a 12 hour shift in 90 degree weather he was hungry and wanted to eat.




It's my problem in a lot of ways. His weight does bother me. He knows this. I have gained weight also. I have also said that I the weight probably wouldn't bother me as much if he still took care of himself, hygeine etc wise. I have to listen to him upset about his weight, it hinders his career and his health isn't the best. Yes, it's his to own, he has to want to change, but his weight does bother me.



Not at all. I know we both hurt each other unintentionally. This night was just another thing in the long line of things that leave me feeling more like the maid than a wife and more frustrated in my marriage.

On another note, our preacher said something interesting Sunday morning, thought I would share it. I think it fits in quite well here, "respond don't react". Something to chew on for awhile...

Hi BTE!

Hope you're well today!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />



So now my question is, WHY? Why do you feel taken for granted if your family does or doesn't do a certain thing around the house, or if your husband starts to eat dinner before you're ready? Why do those actions trigger that feeling for you? (A perfect example of what I'm talking about is my post on EO's thread about me getting annoyed when my H was cleaning for company -- I was able to trace it back to how I felt when my mom used to do that, and realize that the feeling wasn't really about my H after all. I also have a couple examples on my own thread, too, if you haven't seen them yet.)



I hear you that his weight bothers you! It makes perfect sense that you want him to take better care of himself, both regarding his weight and his hygiene. What I'm suggesting is that you consider leaving it up to him to decide how he wants to take care of himself, like whether or not he's going to eat lunch. Do tell him that his hygiene and his weight affect you (be specific -- tell him how/why it's a problem for you), and then let him decide how to deal with the problem. Yes, it affects you, but ultimately, it's his problem to solve.

Or, if you are also concerned about your own health, too, maybe you could talk to him about the two of you both making changes in what you eat. My H and I did that a few years ago -- we were each frustrated with our own weight, and I suggested new eating habits that we both agreed to. It made a huge difference that we were both on board with it from the beginning, rahter than one person trying to eat healthy while the other one is eating cake!



How would it feel for you to be treated like a wife rather than a maid? What do you think is missing? I don't feel like a maid in my house, mostly because I don't cook much and I clean as little as possible...LOL. But there are times when I feel like a roommate, so I think I know what you're saying here. I'm just curious what YOU see as the difference.



That's a great message!! I'm working on that myself. I never realized that I could choose a response rather than simply react blindly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It's made a huge difference in my marriage, as well as just my life in general!

Hugs, HTBH

Hi Happy! I am doing well today. Had a few minutes of quiet this morning before the girls woke up. They have played pretty good together today, not a lot of fighting. The builders are here working on my house, finishing up some things, it's a good day.



I have a questions, and I ask it in all honesty, does everything necessarily tie back to FOO issues? Or to the past? I honestly, and I have been thinking about why it irks me so much and I can't think of any reason except I am not the maid! I am not here to pick up their dirty clothes, flush the toilet after them, put their dirty dishes in the sink, etc. Perhaps I feel taken advantage of, that since I am a SAHM that I don't have anything more important to do then pick up after them. I understand that being a sahm certain things are my responsibility, but certainly not flushing toilets(not even a maids job lol), putting dirty clothes in the proper place, throwing away trash.



I have done this, nothing changed. Which of course is his choice. Just because I tell him it bothers me he has the choice whether or not to change.



NOt expecting me to clean up after them is the main thing. Realizing that staying home is work. I don't cook much either, dh does most of it. I despise cooking. I need to look into this a little more, this may have to do with me not feeling equal in regards to not working. MIght be me accusing (not realizing it, in my mind) of my dh thinking that all I am good for is picking up after him and the kids. THat because I don't work, I'm not worthy of anything else. Hmmm, perhaps.

Thanks for taking the time to talk with Happy!

Hi BTE,



Good question! I personally don't think that it has to tie back to FOO, or to the past, necessarily. But I think it usually ties back to SOMETHING, maybe a boundary that is being violated, or a belief you have.

Something like this, maybe:



Or THIS:



I think you may have answered my question.. What do you think? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Which one of them is not flushing the toilet? Is it your H, or the girls? Or all of them? LOL. I absolutely agree that flushing the toilet for other people is NASTY. Ick. But what I would do about it depends on who is not flushing.

As far as picking up after them goes, I would just stop doing it. I read this tip somewhere and wish I had kids of my own to try it out on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> But it was something like this: Tell everyone that you are no longer going to pick up after them and you would like for everyone to start helping out. I assume you do everyone's laundry? So tell them that you are only going to wash dirty clothes that are in the hamper (or wherever you want them to be). If they leave it out, it doesn't get washed. For trash, and other stuff they leave lying around the house, let them know that you will put it in their rooms (but NOT where it goes -- like in the middle of their bed, or on their desk, if the girls have them). That way, you still have a nice clean living area, and they still have to figure out what do with their stuff (since now it's in THEIR way) -- but the best part is, you don't have to nag!! You just do it sweetly and let them deal with their mess.

I do this with my H occasionally when he has left a bunch of stuff out - I just put all his things on his desk in his office and let him sort it out when he's ready to. It's not cluttering up our dining room, but I'm not actually picking up after him, either.

What do you think? Your girls are certainly old enough to pick up after themselves, as well as learn to start helping out around the house.

After all, once they are grown, they'll be responsible for keeping their own homes clean, so it's important that they get a chance to practice those skills now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



Exactly my point! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You've done your part by talking with him. Now you have to let it go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Thank YOU for talking with me, BTE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Honestly, it's all three of them. My 7 year old is usually pretty good about it. My 3 year old is awful, but she doesn't like the noise the toilet makes, it scares her. She has sensory issues and the toilet noise is too much. My dh, well I don't know what his reason is. IF he is home and I find he hasn't flushed the toilet, I call him and ask him to do it. Often, he will tell me it wasn't him, it was one of the girls, when it was clearly him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />



I've tried it. Problem is everything ends up on the floor in their rooms and then that's a whole different issue. I remember I there was a bag of pretzels or something on the floor between the kitchen table and my bedroom door. I left it there for almost a week and noone ever picked it up. Mind you, you had to walk past it to go into my bedroom and sit down at the kitchen table. I am working on the picking up after yourself with the girls now. I'm really making sure it's done before they get to watch tv, play etc. Seems to be helping a bit. As for dh, well, it falls under annoying habits, some days are better than others.

During the school year this year my 7 year old decided she no longer was going to wear ankle socks, even though that's what the majorit of her socks were. Well, she only had a few pair of longer socks. I would bust my butt trying to make sure I found all of her long socks to get them washed for her. One morning she couldnt' find any clean ones, I asked where the dirty ones were, she said "I dunno", my reply was "well then how am I supposed to know. They are your socks, if you want them washed you need to make sure they are in the laundry room so I know they need washing." Never really had a problem with them again lol.



They do help, don't get me wrong. IT's all the little stuff, or perhaps laziness on my part I wait until I can't take it any longer instead of staying on them about it from the beginning.



But what do I do, when his weight is still an issue? He doesn't change but it bothers me, what am I supposed to do then? Obviously, screaming and yelling isn't going to fix it.

Something funny, he went to bed early tonight. This falls in the line of not eating all day. He stayed up until after 11 last night knowing he gets up at 415. Doesn't get home until 630 pm. He fell asleep by probably 8 tonight. Usually I am upset, if he would jsut go to bed at a decent time each night we could get family time with him both nights. In fact, tonight my 3 year old went in there and said "Daddy I want to spend time with you" He said "tomorrow night." I didn't get upset tonight, it's not about me. It's about him, his choice, I can't make him go to bed, so I spent some time with the girls and let him catch up on his sleep. TOnight, I am ok with it, but sometimes it does get old. What am I supposed to do in those times, when he continues to do things that we suffer from?

Please keep in mind, I am in no way shape or form suggesting that I dont' do things that irritate him or upset him. I am just trying to learn to react differently to the stuff that I see and that bothers me.

(it was french toast sticks)

lol, thanks Loving! Glad to see ya around. How are ya doing? How is your son?

Hiya BTE!

For some reason, I was thinking your girls are a little older than that! So I'm guessing my advice isn't quite age-appropriate for them, as they probably still need your help learning how to put stuff away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Maybe you could gather the girls up once or twice a day to do a scavenger hunt with you to find all the stuff that's not in its place (you might want to set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes to keep it manageable for them!). And then you guys can go all over the house looking for things -- the 3 year old may need you to point out that French toast sticks don't actually go on the floor by your bedroom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> Then you can help them put their things away once they're all gathered up (and then they might even want to help you put your stuff away!). Eventually, they'll be able to do it on their own, but at least for now you'll have their help and won't be doing it all by yourself.

For your H's stuff, I still recommend you find one place to put it, whether he has a desk or an office or you have an empty laundry basket you can pile things in, or whatever. Then when you and the girls gather everything up, you can just dump his in its place.

The benefit for you is that you aren't having to look at his junk spread all over the living room (or wherever), but you aren't actually putting his things away for him. You're just consolidating the mess for him to deal with later.

Another great thing to do is to get the girls in the habit of putting away one activity before moving on to the next. So if they've been coloring, say, they need to put up their crayons and art supplies BEFORE starting a movie. (I did this many years ago back when I worked with toddlers at a preschool summer camp -- it's so cute to see a room full of 2 year olds running around trying to put things away!)

Regarding the toilet issue... Do you think it would help if you posted a short checklist on the bathroom door for your oldest to refer to? With things like flush, wash hands, whatever you want her to do before leaving the bathroom. You can even draw pictures (or use clip art) so she can follow along even if she can't read all the words yet. That might also help remind your H, too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

About the weight thing.. There are lots of things you can DO, if you're looking for something to do, like:

*Offer to pack him a lunch to take with him to work
*Buy only healthy foods for the family (I am assuming you do most of the grocery shopping) -- this means no more French toast sticks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
*Cook healthy dinners for the entire family
*Encourage him to join you and the girls in fun-but-active family activites like talking a walk, going to the park, playing catch, whatever you all like to do together

I would be careful to watch your intent, as LA says. If you're doing all this to "get" him to lose weight, you'll be pretty frustrated if he chooses to not to do any of these things with you (and he certainly may choose not to!).

But if you decide to make changes as a gift to your family, as a way of showing your love by modeling healthy habits, then you'll be able to enjoy doing it no matter what he chooses to do. And if he sees the rest of you having fun, eating good food and playing together, he might just decide to try it one day! You never know... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



I hear ya, really I do! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm still working on this myself. The thing that works the best for me is to figure out WHY something bothers me before I respond. Generally, things bother me when I'm seeing his behavior as a reflection on ME -- like if he doesn't flush the toilet (and sometimes he doesn't), I might see that as a lack of care for me, when in fact he was in a hurry and just forgot. It's not usually the behavior itself that upsets me as much as my INTERPRETATION of it. So I try to figure out WHY I'm upset. And then decide what to do about it.

Of course, if the reason I'm upset IS because of his behavior itself -- say he's defined me, or judged me, or some other boundary violation, then I respond differently, depending on the situation.

But you know what?? The longer I do this, the more I'm finding that most things are about ME, not HIM. Not everything, of course!! He has LB habits, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> But a lot of it IS about me.

Now, you might not find that to be the case in your M, I don't know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But that has been my experience so far.

Hope you have a lovely day!
HTBH

Sorry I haven't been around much. We have been busy enjoying the warm weather. Trips to the lake, movies, skating.



I like this idea. I use a timer a lot in my cleaning. I used to do it with dd7, see how clean you can get your room in 10 minutes. Makes it a lot more fun. I will have to incorporate all of it, thanks!



You are right, I am going to find a tub or something that I can put all of his stuff that is left laying around in one place. Then he doesn't have to ask me where something is lol.



We have really been making an effort to eat out less and get out of the house more. Hence, me not being around much. Last week we did 3 day trips to the lake, and went roller skating with the girls. My dh is the primary cook. We don't eat that bad, we just got super lazy. Well, at least that's my opinion of what happened to me.

I'm working on keeping us separate, not in the bad way, but allowing him to own what's his and not try to take it on myself. Alot easier said than done. For instance, Sunday, fathers day, he said he wanted to spend time with me, I sat on the couch and watched tv with him for about 3 hours. Afterwards, about 10 I still had to go into town to get dog food. I went, when I came home he said he was going to bed it was around 1115 or so. I hadn't had much, if any, time to myself for a few days before that. Family was here visiting, lake with friends, roller skating etc. I said I was going to take about 15 minute to myself and I would be in bed. WEll, like 10 minutes later he was knocked out snoring. So, I spent more time on the computer, finally got to bed aroun 1215 or so. He woke up mad. Said he wanted to feel close to me, not sure how I was supposed to knwo that. He came and got on the computer, I He didnt' come back to bed until almost 3am and he had to be up at 4. He sent me an email later that day, said he was upset because he wanted to be close to me and I didn't come to bed. I asked him if he had told me he wanted to be with me that night. He said no. I said then I have no way to know what you want if you don't tell me. You told me earlier you wanted to spend time with me, I spent 3 hours with you. If you wanted be to come to bed with you you have to tell me I can't read your mind. I let him be mad, I didn't try to fix it or get angry. Well, I started to, I just kept telling myself that it was his to own, I can't read his mind and he can't expect me to. It's hard, I don't do real well with it, I want to fix it, but there wasn't anything for me to fix.

better, that's awesome! Did you feel better after that, compared to if you had tried to fix it?

At first, like I said I felt myself getting angry. ready to throw lb's. I worked through it and felt pretty good. I wasn't mad, I didn't wake up mad at him, I was felt good that I didn't take something that wasn't mind and add it to everything I already have lol..

I hear you, I thought that's what you'd say <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And good to hear you're soaking in the sunshine!