My profile is pretty up to date. <P>H has been living in an apt for one month now. Because of our children we spend a lot of time together. They both play roller hockey, baseball and are in cub scouts. They are far enough apart in age that it totals five teams and two cub scout groups. H is here to help with projects for school too. We usually only don't see him one night a week. He doesn't sleep here and it is pretty much family time not he and I time. I still don't know if ow is involved or not. If she is, she's not getting a whole lot of time. <P>Today h paged me and asked if the kids and I wanted to come over after work to swim at his apt. We went. He made eggs for us and then we all went to swim and hang in the jacuzzi. The kids have colds so we left at a reasonable hour. <P>During the walk down to the pool the kids were raving about what a wonderful place the apt was. H commented that it was not that great that he liked home better! I didn't say a word. This is his choice, we want him to come home.<P>Anyone else been through this type of separation? What is he doing?

He made the decision to move to the apt and sounds like he is just trying to be “tough.” Of course home is better. It’s where he’s been for a long time.<P>He’s confused & wondering what he is doing. Now is the time for the strongest Plan A you can do. Zero Love Busters! Let him see what he is missing and it’ll only be a matter of time.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

My separation isn't quite like yours, but its just as weird.... I know H hasn't yet given up the OW, but he says there is so much more peace when he is here at the house with his family, H gets mad if I don't ask (beg) him to come home, but tells me he'll never move back....<P>There are so many things that he wants BOTH sides of, that Im shocked He is still sane... I try to just be sweet and try not to get hopeful, for at any given moment his mind will change again....<P>Its been 6 months since H moved out, and his intention was to move in with the OW which lasted the first 2 weeks.... Then he moved into his moms, and I think that H just wanted to keep both of us in his lives...Well, he doesn't get much of me other than "a friend" and "mom" of his children, I put up with knowing H had both of us for over a year and won't do that ever again....<P>I think if it wasn't for the kids, I for one may have disappeared for a while after H moved out so I could clear my head, but That is just spec, so here I am, in a Yo-Yo separation.<P>cozy <thinking life is weird altogether>

Hoping: I think those are very good signs!! Plan A until you cant do it any longer.. Its tough but it seems to be working.. At some point if he does not make up his mind you will have to go to a plan B... Because he is trying to get his needs met by the both of you... But good news... OW cant meet all of his emotional needs, proof just by his actions with you and your family.. Have you read the book Private Lies? If not,, its a great book... Chapt 13 gives a great explanation on why a marriage to ow will more than likely fail (if it would ever get to that point).. I would suggest letting you H read that... I also have a post on here titled private lies that has the excerpts from chapt 13.. He has got a lot against a successful relationship with her, the sooner he realizes it the better.. Anyhow... My H and I were seperated for 2 months.. He came over and mowed the grass, fixed the faucette, paid the bills, etc.. etc.. Left me notes.. he loved me,, he missed me... He cried several times and told me he knew he had made the biggest mistake of his life... All that... and you know what... the pull and the addiction of ow were so strong..that in his mind he knew what he would lose, and he STILL STRUGGLES giving her up... that is... an addiction.. been the most strangest and awful thing to ever go through in my life.. To see someone you love, and who cries out to you "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH".. still continue with poor choices... He has even cried out for help.. Please someone help me... If this isnt an addiction, I dont know what is... and I sometimes feel so darn helpless watching this and the whole time he is killing me... Hang in there.. the good news is.. He is getting better and finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel,,, but it takes time... You are the one that decides how much.. not your mom, brother, freinds, sister... no one else... If I would have listend to my friends, I would have been divorce a long time ago... I find coming here for support has been the best thing.. I dont think I could have held on this long without everyone here!!!! There is hope.... I see some great signs from your H..... Will he read anything you give to him? It has helped my H....

Hoping,<BR>I too was in a similiar situation in that my w moved out to live with married man. I had the kids and threw a fit about her seeing the kids at their apt so she would come home to see them and would act like I wasn't there(talk about pain).<BR>When the kids did spend time with her they didn't like because their friends weren't around and my son couldn't be his usual boisterous self. He eventually didn't want to go.<BR>Right now it is new and exciting to them and they thinks its an adventure. My w had aslo stayed in a hotel with a pool and a jacuzzi in her room which made it like a vacation to the kids.<BR>Reality will start setting in for them and him and both will realize what they are missing and thats when you can have the greatest chance at working on your marriage.

Hi, Hoping, I've wondered how you are doing.<P>My separations (5 with a total of 7 months)were also very friendly. The kids & I saw him nearly every day, & we didn't see him, he called or emailed. Keep going with Plan A. Don't mention the OW (very often, anyway). My H has been home 7 weeks now. He's not really settled in, but I'm not giving him any reason to leave. I'm fairly non-reactive, non-confrontative, NEVER mention the OW. Once in awhile I ask if he has anything he'd like to tell me--although I haven't done that for 2 weeks. When I do, it is because I know he doesn't like to broach the subject if I seem to be in a good mood.<P>Something my counselor has said, and I have seen it said on the board as well, if my H wanted a divorce, he would have had it by now. I think the same goes for your H.<P>OW or no OW, there is a reason your H loves you & continues to spend time with you. Don't try to compete with HER. Be the best YOU you can be, that is who he married and continues to need.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

used2bcozy,<BR>i think i'm headed for the same type of separation. he is supposed to move out after this weekend (its been 6 weeks since i got evidence). but he is clearly torn, he has been home more in the last 6 weeks than he has in a long time. i think he will be coming by to see the kids and stuff quite often. its going to be difficult.<P>------------------<BR>Kellie<BR>Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough<P>

Hi, <P>I was very spooked by your post, as you just described what I lived through twice in the past year and your dates even parallel mine only my husband moved out for the first time on 9-1-98. Every single thing you said I went through. My husband started his affair due to the birth of our first child. I too had to do everything, and he felt very left out, as I used to devote 199% of my time to him. His solution to the change was to find someone to fill the void. He felt as though our marriage was over and he had lost his best friend, me. All that was really going on was the normal things that happen after the birth of a child and if he would have helped and been involved, maybe he would not have felt so darn left out. Now about this separation...I really do not want to upset you but based on what I experienced and the fact that I did the same thing as you, I think you are setting yourself up to really be hurt by spending so much time together while you are separated. My husband said the same exact things to me...that he needed to move out and into apt. to heal and find himself and fall in love with me again and miss me and realize what he has, etc. I fell for it all and he had the best of both worlds. He promised me that he was doing nothing with the other woman. We even went to Cancun together. He stayed in our home most nights (the first time he moved out) and sometimes slept at the apartment so that he could think and realize what he had, etc. I hate to tell you what I found out later, but he was having the time of his life being able to accept calls from the other woman and make calls and she slept at his place and vice versa and he bought her gifts and they went places, i.e., movies, rollerblading, etc, and that same jacuzzi that you mentioned that I too went in at his apartment, well, he took her in it too and all the while, let on like he was coming back home and was trying to heal, etc. Well, he did come back home and proceeded to do the same thing as yours. He came back on Halloween of last year but was not happy and would not change his car phone number and just was only here in body but not in mind. I finally caught him on Christmas Eve when he forget to erase the caller I.D. calls on his cell phone and hers was on there. In January of this year, he secretly started little by little moving out all of his things again and into her place and lied to me about his whereabouts on Valentines Day and I found receipts for flowers, and I did not get any and my son and myself were sitting here waiting for him to take us out. Anyway, when I found the V-day receipt, I told him he had to go. I kid you not over the next two months, he moved out about three times and would be gone for 6 hours, and then one night, and then three days, etc. His moving in and out ripped me apart. It was exactly like what you explained. Finally, he moved out "for good" on April 30, 1999. I said I was not going to play that game of going to his apartment to the pool, jacuzzi and work out facility, etc. I promised myself I would not meet him for dinner or have him in our home, etc. Well that lasted for two weeks and those whole two weeks, all he talked about was how he wanted me back and I had never seen him sorrier. I would not call him or meet him anywhere etc. and I thought the whole time he was over at his place being sad and what he was doing was having a field day with her and at the same time e-mailing me and dropping lunch off at the door and leaving and being the nicest, sorriest, and most sincere man you ever could know. I finally started to give in to him after the two weeks but he stayed in his apartment until the end of July. That whole time he found reasons why he needed to still stay there and it was like we were back together only he slept at the apartment every night this time. Here, I thought we were back together and she was out of the picture and AGAIN, the whole time he was out, they were calling each other, having sex at each others places, etc. He moved back in here on 7-31-99 claiming that it was over and he could not wait to come back home and all along he lied his way back into our home while he was really doing what he felt he needed to do to wean her out of his life. When he returned, I found all kinds of evidence that she had been there and they had been together and I felt totally betrayed again. We are still back together and so far he has given me no reason to think he is now still having this affair, but I will never trust him again or believe a thing he says even though I do love him. What I am trying to say to you is that if I had to do it again, I would not have let him have his cake and eat it too. A separation is just that, SEPARATED, and any marriage counselor will tell you that and I feel totally violated when I think of all that he was doing while I was sitting around waiting for his return and spending all of my time trying to maintain a marriage with a husband that was living in an apartment. You probably need to assume that if he is not living in your house, there is a reason and if he is not "in love" with you at this time, it is because he is still having the affair. I know this is painful but trust me, I have make the exact same mistakes when I thought I was trying to mend my marriage by us dating, etc., while he was in the apt. The other woman could not understand the first time he moved out why he had to sleep at his house or eat at his house with his wife, etc., and it made her furious and it is probably the first time he experienced reality with her and it make him mad that she was trying to control him. He would make up excuses like all of his sons toys were at his home and he would rather see his son at his home instead of bringing him to the apartment, so the other woman bought toys for him to keep at his apart. The nerve. All I can say is a man who has his cake and can eat it too will never end the affair, he will just lie to have both and you are making it easy for him. I wish I would have gone on with my life, dated, not been so available and just assumed that he was doing it all and based my decision of whether I wanted him back on that. If you make yourself totally unavailable to him, then he will see that in order to have you, he must GIVE UP the other woman. Unless, you do this, he will never choose, even he comes back home. I am not sure how you know when these things are really over but what I do know is when a man says he needs an apartment to think and fall in love with you again, think about it, that is not how you do it! It is like the earlier days when someone said to us in a dating situation, I need time...it meant that they were seeing someone else, so lets get back to the basics here. The main reason a man, in my opinion, cannot feel what he needs to for his wife is usually because he is still involved with the OW. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done to stay away from this man. You will think that you are pushing him away and into her arms, etc., but what you don't realize is that he is already in her arms when he is not with you anyway. I can almost guarantee you that anything that you are afraid that he is doing or might do if you back off, he is already doing or has already done anyway. Sorry to be so blunt. I just hate to see a person with such good intentions be used by a man who cannot decide which woman he wants. I really hope this helped and not hindered you.

I agree conceptually with what Carly28 has to say, but I don't have a good grasp on what to do about it. I see many of us in similar situations. Plan A during a known active affair is the same situation being described (where I am).<P>I guess it depends on what your assumptions/beliefs are about how affairs end. After trying everything under the sun (initial anger, crying, pleading, Plan A, Plan B for 5 months, then Plan A again), I have reached the conclusion that NOTHING I DO will have any impact on my husband's affair. It's totally up to him. If five months of Plan B, during which time he never saw his baby and barely saw his son, didn't do it, what exactly will?<P>If you agree somewhat with my conclusion, then you have to handle this in the way that is in YOUR PERSONAL best interest. My current philosophy is to do Plan A with some reasonable boundaries to protect myself and not be a doormat (although I sometimes cross the line), while I also work on myself and see many other people (even men, casually right now - here come the flames). But the most important point from Carly28's message has to do with expectations. KEEP THEM LOW. I do believe she's likely to be right - there is little logic in being separated unless there is an active affair. If he wants to be with the family so much, he would also want to be home.