Hey BTE,

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going with you. I've been thinking about you!

Hugs, HTBH

Thanks for checking Happy. I'm haven't been in a real good place lately. It's me, I know it's about me. This is probably going to be scattered as that's how my mind has been lately.

I keep forgetting everything, like where I set something, or what I said I had to do. I've been tryint to write it down, but forget that sometimes also lol. My mind is in a million places at once.

The girls started school this week. I thought I would be better with them gone during the day. Time to myself, to get my thoughts together, more patient with them when they get home. I find just the opposite true. I am trying to cram so much into the time they are gone when they get home, I swear they feed them straight sugar at school. My dd7 can't sit still if her life depended on it. Homework, up and down, dinner she is up at least two-three times. Tonight I had to threaten her that the next time she got up she had to go to bed 5 minutes early for each time she got out of her seat. She is extremely bright. Right now, she says she hates school. Her work already this week has gone down hill. I'm trying to give it time, let her warm up and get back in her groove. I'm just afraid she won't. My 4 year old naps while at school, she comes home groggy, hits a second wind and I can't get her to go to bed until after 9. Not nice when they get up at 615. She ends up keeping her older sister up and its just pure chaos.

My husband despises his job. He wants to go to a local dept. It would mean another $7000 a year paycut. Not including my income, we already took a $10,000 a year paycut to come here. I am trying to find work to make up for the difference. I want him to enjoy his job. Job market here is awful and the pay is even worse. He told me today that when he reads here I never say anything good about him, he said he works hard. I hear him saying he needs more admiration. I do appreciate what he does. I come here to vent to work through my feelings. Now, I feel like I have censor what I say.

We are both frustrated with the puppy. Housetraining isn't going very well. We have tried just about everything. He is not soiling his crate at night, but pees and poops in the house during the day. I keep him on a leash right next to me 90% of the time. We still aren't catching it. Dh got mad today and said noone is doing anything with the dog. I took it personal at first as I spend a great amount of time with the dog. He is learning how to sit, play catch etc. I asked him, are you saying I don't do anything with the dog? He replied, that's not what I'm saying you know what I mean. I told him, no I don't know what you mean, that's why I'm asking. To me it sounded like you said I don't do anything with him. He told me he meant the girls.

The girls,sigh, have just been a handful lately. Dd4 threw a pair of scissors at my 7 year old and hit her on the head. Luckily, it didn't cut her. The other day in the car she grabbed her face and dug her nails into her face so bad that it scratched it and left a scab. She did it on her nose and cheek also. DD7 started school with scratches all over her face.

We are still discussing the move. I'm tired of moving, I feel like we are running. At the same time I think it might be a good idea. Lots of conflicting feelings. I want to go back to school, I know it may not be possible right now. I want to do lots of things.

My medical issue is just driving me crazy. There appears to be no relief in sight and it's frustrating. My weight has also been really bothering me, yet I find myself constantly eating. I tell myself I'm never gonna lose weight like this, but still shove my face full. I haven't found the willpower to stop yet. Probably not enough self love to stop. I turn 30 in Oct. At the beginning of the year I set a goal to run a 10k. There is one the weekend after my birthday. I never even started walking, much less running.

Ok, I guess I'm done with my pity party. Pretty much why I've been staying away, feel like I don't have anything nice to say so I won't say anything at all.

Thanks for asking though.

Hi BTE (and Mr. BTE),

Thanks for the update!

You sound pretty stressed out! (((BTE)))

Hope you're having a better day today -- are you taking care of yourself? You deserve it!

Hugs,
HTBH

The routine switch taking place...summer to school...and then the same issues (moving, changing jobs, not moving, not changing jobs) remain where everything else looks different.

Including the puppy. What do the other dogs think of him not being housebroken?

Like you can ask them, huh? (I just finished "A Coyote In The House" by Elmore Leonard, so pardon my question.)

Is that what this thread is? Only positive, no negative? Wow...could that BE a thread? Real life comes in a mix...and no, I'm not Forest Gump.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That you come here at all is the key. That's better than a 10k in my book.

How much have the girls heard about moving talk? I'm wondering if that doesn't play into, along with the routine change, their recent behavior. Little pitchers have big ears.

I hope you can use that phrase...I learned it Arkansas. I thought it might suit you where you're at now.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Isn't it a DJ for her to answer that, since she doesn't KNOW what the other dogs think?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

What is this coyote book you speak of?

Hey Happy!

I am pretty stressed right now. But, I'm breathing, and healthy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Tracie

yes, lots of change in routine, that's why I'm trying to be patient. Easier said than done sometimes. My 4 year old was up until about 930 last night and back up from 130 until almost 3:00. We had to wake her up at 630 for school. Starting my day off like that is not fun.



My foster Dal was adopted. We took him to his new home this past Friday. That was another change for the girls. They cried and cried. My other Dal really like the puppy. SHe plays with him all the time, whereas she ignored my foster dal.

I"ve never heard of the book, was it good?




I don't believe he is asking for it to be all positive. I think he is looking for admiration. To know that he is appreciated.

WE were talking today about moving. I told him that I'm not sure I want to. He understands. Feels like we are always running. I said I wouldn't mind selling the house and downsizing so that he can persue the career he really wants. I can handle that. He knows he isn't happy where he's at, not sure what woudl make him happy. I can't answer that.

I went to the University today, got all the information for the Masters Program. It's a 36 unit program. At the end of it I will have my Masters and Credential. Not bad, will probably take two years to finish, maybe a little longer, since they don't offer the classes every semester. It's a start though. I am working towards a goal.

He wants to spend more time with me, right here with me, I feel like we are together way too much lol. I try to explain my side, he usually says ok fine and gets up. Not what I'm saying. He said we haven't been spending time together. I asked if he didn't consider yesterday spending time together, took the dog to the vet, went to the bank, uniform shopping, gun shopping, had lunch together, picked up the girls together, went to the spca, two more uniform shops and home. But I hear his truth that we don't spend time together, my truth is that we spend A LOT of time together. I'm ok with that. I probably shouldn't have tried to show him we spent a lot of time together yesterday. I'm trying to figure out what kind of time he is looking for from me. I also know he is in a low place right now, and when he gets this way he tends to look to me to pull him through. Part of marriage, but I am in a pretty bad spot too lol. I would like to understand how he wants to spend time with me. He asked me to sit and talk with him while he was cooking dinner. I asked what he wants to talk about, he didn't know.

Who knows, one day we will figure it all out lol..

Glad to hear you're breathing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It is hard to change routines, isn't it? Especially when the little ones' sleep schedules are off!

As far as the housebreaking goes, have you tried crating the puppy when you're home but not able to focus on him? Since he seems to have gotten the hang of the crate at night, maybe you can use it to help him during the day, too.

And as far as the kids go, I want to share a website with you. I came across it doing homework for one my classes this summer, and of course I don't have kids to try it out on, but I thought it sounded really interesting. The best part is, while they do have a book, there's also featured questions and articles online, so you can just look up a specific issue (like, say, homework) and get targeted advice. May not help you, but I thought it was interesting and haven't gotten to practice on anyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Positive Discipline

I understand where your H is coming from, not knowing what he wants to do. My H is starting to think about other careers, and he has no idea what he wants to do, either. I'm doing my best to just listen to him, encourage him to brainstorm and share with me what his thoughts are.

I think you're on the right track, by trying to figure out what your H means by spending time with you. It sounds to me like he is not counting running errands as spending time together! So I can see where you could feel like you spend all your time with him, and yet he could feel like he's not spending any time with you.

I would wager a guess that, when he wants to talk with you, he wants to talk ABOUT you -- not about chores or errands or "family business" -- about you, how you're feeling, how you're doing, what your goals are, how you see the world. To connect with you. Or maybe that's what *I* want when I talk to my H. LOL. Probably not a bad idea to ask your H what he himself wants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((BTE)))

Hope you have a lovely evening, friend!
HTBH

(((BTE))) No advice tonight, just some hugs! Happy was asking me what I was going to do to be nice to myself the other day, and all I could think was, how could I do that? I have so much housework to do! What backwards thinking LOL. I didn't feel better getting ahead in the housework, but I did feel better taking some time with the kids <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What do you like to do for fun?

What do you and Mr. Better enjoy doing just the two of you?

As ya'll know I've been having a hard time with my new home. Maybe it's happening for a reason. I have been having to really speak my opinion about something and say I'm not happy with something. It's hard for me. I usually end up in tears, feeling bad for the other person.

Example, my tiled fireplace. They sent a guy to come and redo it. He is a framer not a tiler by trait. He couldn't get the tile to stick, was using electrical tape to do it, got glue all over my carpet, it was very sloppy and looked awful. I believe he tried his best. However, my house is new, and I expect the work to be high quality. I had to tell him I wasn't happy with the work. It hurt. I think because, when people tell me they aren't happy with something I did, I hear they aren't happy with me, or don't like me. I take it personal. Dealing with these situations have helped me realize, it really can be just about the work. I like the guy, he is really nice, he just isn't very good at doing tile, I don't hold that against him. I actually felt bad for him, because his boss put him in a position to do something he isn't qualified to do. It still hurt for me to tell him that I wasn't happy with his work.

Earlier in the week or dvr box went out. Service guy came today, he said it had to be replaced. We have the boxes that we purchased ourselves. We also purchased the insurance to go with them, to have them replaced in case something went wrong. Well, he said he had a refurbished box in the car that he could replace it with. When he brought it in, I noticed it was a different box, much bigger, not as nice. I asked him about it, he said it was the older model. Hold on a minute, I paid for the new model, I shouldn't be given the older model as a replacement. I called Direct Tv, they said they would send me the new model out free of charge. The guy here doing the service call said he wouldn't get paid for the call because he didn't really do anything. I had to hold in tears. I feel bad, but I'm tired of taking second hand stuff, work, etc, because I am afraid of speaking up and hurting peoples feelings. THis wasn't about him or his work, it was about getting what I paid for. All of this is. I think it's a lesson for me though. I think it's something that LA has spoken on quite a bit, what I do doesn't define me. It's still hard, I still cry and feel bad for telling them no, it's not ok with me. Learning to stand up has been a really hard lesson.

I tried the lidocaine for the first time tonight. It burned some of the worst burn I have felt when I first put it on. I was able to enjoy sex, then BAM, I felt like I had been stabbed. The burn I thought hurt when I first put it on, is nothing compared to what I feel right now, even with a bag of ice between my legs. I just don't know if I can keep doing this. My husband is wonderful, he will accept and enjoy other forms of sex with me than just penetration, but I want to be with my husband and I can't be. It hurts so damn bad, and the dr.'s just try to tell me it's in my head. I am sick of it. I never thought it could get the best of me and it has, it really has. It has destroyed who and what I am. I feel like such a failure, I can't be what a wife is supposed to be and it hurts not just physically but emotionally. I am angry and hurt and I just don't think I can keep doing this......

BTE, wow, that is really a huge lesson to learn, about the repair people. It will get easier with time.

About the lidocaine, this is why it's a really bad idea. Because you're numb, the injury is getting worse, and you're too numb to realize you have to stop it. You KNOW it's not in your head, this is a real medical difficulty. You know also that your value as a wife isn't based on what you can endure.

Remember what Dr. Harley says, doing something you're not enthusiatic about causes resentment. Forcing your body to do something that it is telling you through the pain is injuring you, may well cause you to resent yourself worse. If you had diabetes, would you force yourself to eat sweets that would worsen your condition if you thought that's what a wife was supposed to do?

BTE, how can you reframe what you think a wife is supposed to be?

In Commitment Chronicles, Cheryl McClary talked about how her unspoken anger came out as an ugly pimple in the middle of her forehead. It was a physical reminder that she wasn't caring for her body or her spirit. I am not saying that your issue is something in your head, I believe you that unfortunately it's all too real. What I am saying is that maybe it was sent to you as a lesson of patience with yourself, of your self-worth regardless of what you do. There are scriptures about the thorn in Paul's side, that he grew spiritually from.

(((BTE)))

I'm so sad to hear that you're in pain!

I certainly understand how you would feel that you aren't fulfilling your role as a wife. That must be hard! Are you disappointed in you?

Sounds like you have learned a lot from dealing with all the house problems. How do you feel about those lessons? Are you glad you are learning to stand up for yourself? Do you feel proud of yourself?

I think that you are going to need the lessons you are learning from the house to deal with your pain during sex. I think you're going to have to keep talking to doctors until you find one who understands your problem AND can help you fix it. I think you're going to have to stand up for yourself (you DESERVE a solution to this!) and believe in yourself (you KNOW when you're in pain, you KNOW it's not in your head) and keep at it until you get what you need.

I'm so glad to read that Mr. BTE is understanding and supportive! Because I think you need to stop trying to have any kind of penetration at all until you are fully healed. And then, once you are physically OK, I would try what Dr. Harley recommends in the article about pain during intercourse (ie, start slowly, don't go straight to penetration/intercouse unless you're sure it's not going to hurt, stop immediately if it does hurt, etc etc).

I think that both of your struggles (with your pain, and with your house) are related, in a way. I think both are opportunities for you to learn to stand up for what you believe and what you need. You're learning not to accept shoddy work just because you don't want anyone to have hurt feelings. And not to have sex when you are in that kind of pain just because you feel like a wife is supposed to or that the pain is just in your head.

You deserve to be treated with respect and care -- and you deserve to treat YOURSELF with respect and care.

(((BTE)))

Take care!
HTBH

BTE,

HTBH said what I wanted to say...so I'm only stopping in to show my support, that I'm reading you, praying for you, and believe in you.

Oh, and to add to your repair people story (which ROCKED because you're getting the lesson...to speak...which is terrific, I think)...

Remember our carpet? That exposed padding and tack strip I hit and think of you? Well...they came Monday (exactly three months from us ordering the carpet) to finish the stairs...and guess what? They ordered the right carpet...but not enough. That's right. I have nice carpeting going up...and full tack strip and padding going down to the basement.

LOL!

ARRRGGGHHH

Can you believe it?

Thought that might give you a smile or a smirk...or something. Help me get the lesson here...heehee. Oh, I already got one...my DH called and stated how upset and angry he was, got an apology and a promise to check into it and call him back. He said he wanted to put heat into his voice, to really convey the annoyance and anger, but couldn't manage it; yet he stated those emotions well.

And he did it again when they didn't call back (that's been a big part of all the delays...lots of failed promises).

So, that's something.

I wish I was a doctor, BTE. I would take you very seriously. I know it's not in your head at all. I wish you were closer to the Mayo Clinic. Female stuff matters a lot.

LA

Today is a bad bad day. My oldest daughter has been asking to have her name changed to match the rest of the family. My husband and I have talked and talked about it. Her bio Dad has not called our home in over 2 years. He hasn't spoken to her in 4 and hasn't seen her in over 5 years. This started when he would tell her he was coming to visit her and never did and would tell her she didn't have to listen to my current dh and I.

Well my dh insisted on sending an email to her bio dads mom in regards to wanting to change her name. I told him at first I wasn't comfortable with it, it was going to stir the pot. We haven't heard from her bio dad, have no desire to. WEll of course, the grandma forwarded the e-mail to dd7's bio dad. He had someone right him some letter that he wants to be a part of her life she has two other sisters that she doesn't know about and how I have stopped it all along. The man lives in Germany. I have never gotten one freakin dollar of help from him. Now he wants to waltz back in here and pretend he hast ried the whole time. He will not take my baby from me. I am so angry at my dh. I screamed and yelled at him. I hate him so much right now. He couldn't just let things be. I honestly believe he doesn't want to change dd7's name nor does he want to adopt her. That's fine, that's his choice. Instead of being honest about it he wrote this e-mail because he knew it would bring back her bio dad in our lives. Her bio-dad is so full of it. He is lying when he says he doesn't have any of our information. His mom has it, as she still sends dd7 gifts etc and emails us almost monthly. Amazing how he never had any information or want anything to do with her until we say we want to change her name and adopt her. I have absolutely had it. I am so angry with dh. I told him and it's the truth, I will lose him before I lose my dd7.

I had a case for abandonement against him. It has been over 5 years since he has seen her. Now, it starts all over again. I can't believe he did this to us.

(((BTE))) I am so sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Give it to the Lord in prayer.

My SiL had a similar situation. Her daughter's father was violent and mentally ill ex Husband. When she had been remarried and years ago her daughter wanted to change her name and be adopted, they called an adoption attorney, who had them put a tiny classified ad in local paper of the city where the ex had last been known to live. She was nervous about this, because she didn't want him in their lives, but fortunately he didn't see it, and the adoption went through.

If this dies down (I hope!), hopefully you can get an adoption attorney who can help you in a similar way, without stirring the pot.

Thanks EO. That's exactly what I had planned on doing. My dh insisted on writing an e-mail. He said it wasn't fair and he didn't want my dd7 to come back years later and be angry at him.

I have contacted a couple of attorneys. Waiting for a two calls back, have an appt tomorrow. This will wipe out our savings. I don't even have legal custody of her so I will got for full legal and phsyical custody. I am almost certain, but I could be wrong, that once the bio-dad realizes he will be responsible for 5 years of back child support that he won't want to see her. Sad but true. Plus he currently is in Germany, I would hope that no judge would allow my daughter to fly overseas to see a Dad that she hasn't seen since she was 2 years old. ANd I will go to jail before it happens.

This has left my dh and I in a real bad place. HE came and told me that I hurt him worse today than I ever have. I have nothing to say to him right now.

Has your H read any MB materials? What about POJA, until you agree on a course of action, nothing is done? Would he be willing to drop everything until you all have spoken with the attorney? People in general tend to take difficut advice more readily from the professionals who deal with these issues every day.

Oh, BTE. I'm so sorry.

You're doing all the right things, and I will be praying for you and your family.

(I know it seems like your husband has made this mess intentionally, but maybe he had other reasons that you aren't seeing right now. Try not to assume the worst about him).

Meanwhile, keep going what you're doing (consulting lawyers, read all you can on websites, etc).

(((BTE))))