One week with NC - it's killing me. He hasn't even tried to contact me. I miss him. It appears that he is not staying with OW anymore. He is still in contact with OW but it seems to be less and less. I watch the cellphone activity.

I am trying to work on my life to make things better for me. I worked in the yard yesterday for the first time in ages. I went to a home show with a friend on Sat and went out to dinner. This was the first weekend that I didn't sit around and mope. I am doing fine but I still miss him. I know that Plan B is the best hope for us now but it is hard!

Work has become unbearable. I don't want to be there at all and it seems that I need my job more than ever now. I am curious - has anyone else felt the need to change jobs when going through this type of thing?

Nkay

Nkay -

I've never posted to you before, but Welcome to Plan B!! Plan B does take a bit of adjustment on the BS's part....but it is SOOO better for you in the long run! Once the haze of him actually being gone has worn off, you will settle into it. You will be more at peace than you havae been in quite some time. Just give Plan B enough time to really work.

You can do it!

My job actually got better after I went into Plan B. My boss noticed how much happier I was ---- were you unhappy at your job before??

Kim

nkay -

Initially, Plan B was very hard for me because I missed my WW so much. I wanted to end it and questioned if I wasn't better off having her along with OM rather than not having her at all.

I agree with Kim though, give it some time. You will find much more peace and contentment when you're not having to deal with WH and OW issues daily. You can start to relax some...just give it time.

Don't settle for a marriage in which WH contacts OW "less and less". It's either he has contact or he doesn't, I don't think you should accept middle ground.

Georgia

nkay,
I am with you - Plan B hurts like he11. I just finished posting thoughts very similar to yours. While in Plan A, I felt hopeful and was able to carry on with day to day things. But Plan A only allowed cake-eating, so I moved to Plan B. This weekend, I only moped around and I have been crying non-stop - like D-day all over again.
I find work to be hard, too. I am a labor and delivery nurse - have always loved my job - but lately, watching the young couples as they start their families and journies together makes me feel sad and lonely. Bittersweet.

I'll say a prayer for you tonight.

Nkay, welcome to Plan B. You're in withdrawal! Once this was explained to me, I found it easier to cope. What happens is that once you remove your WH and his lovebusting behavior from you, that leaves the good memories and love free to come back. Oh, the irony! You're looking at a withdrawal period of anywhere from three weeks to three months. But hang in there, because it DOES get better.

Actually, I wasn't all that happy in my job. It is high stress and long hours. While it isn't the cause of the A, it certainly enabled it to happen. After the first D-day in 7/05, part of our recovery plan was that I would change jobs in March to give us more time together but the 2nd D-day changed all that. 3/2/06

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement. I will hang in there for Plan B and hope it helps. The roller coaster ride was too much for me.

nkay

Hi, Nkay. Well, unfortunately, Plan B is part of the roller coaster ride. Your emotions are still up and down, and very raw. It's NO fun, but it'll be very worth it, in the long run.

Maybe a job change is what you need, right now. New scenery could be a good thing for you.

Hang in there, and keep the faith! This DOES get better, just give it some time! You're doing GREAT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Hi nkay,

I agree with you on how hard plan b is. I just posted a new thread - "In Plan B-but starting to hate WS-confused".

I don't know why I'm starting to feel this way. I don't want to hate my H. But the irony to that, is that it's given me some strength to get pass this period. I stopped crying. I'm not as depressed. I'm starting to care less for what might happen.

When I reread my plan b letter which I emailed to my WH along with a copy to his parents, it's almost as if the person who wrote it (me) is different from the me today, a week later. I don't know. It could all change.

My MC recommended two books. I'm not a fan of self-help books but what the heck I thought. Both books were written by Susan Jeffers, PhD and I can honestly tell you that they helped me so much. I highly recommend them.

1. "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" - techinques for turning fear, indecision and anger into power, action and love. $14.00

2. "End the Struggle and Dance with Life" - how to build yourself when the world gets you down. $12.95

Remember, the best revenge we can show our WS is to not let them see us fall apart.

Hi Nkay,

I agree that Plan B is hard because I missed FWH also...but I was happy to be away from the chaos and not be part of the triangle.

For me, I planned Plan B. That is, I pulled out a calendar and I tried to schedule something for myself everyday. I worked out for the first time in my life, I went to new areas or restaurants, took classes. When I asked for advice from the board what I should do during Plan B....I think it was Orchid or Pep who said..."treat yourself like a queen." So I threw in a couple of spa treatments and a weekend vacation to a place that I always wanted to go to, but WH did not. I gave myself something to look forward to and tried to use the time for me.

Your job sounds really stressful and you need a break....would a couple of new found activities help your outlook? You did a good job of going out with a friend...what other activities would YOU like to do to treat yourself royally? Stay strong, Nkay ss <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Nkay,
My WH just moved out this past weekend, and I'm preparing
to go to Plan B, but I can relate to your feelings.

He moved out before, and directly in with OW, although
I didn't know it at the time. I was shocked, and had
a very hard time adjusting to being alone, in our house
without WH, since we had always done everything together.
I especially dreaded weekends at first- so much time that
just dragged, but as I got more used to it, I did find
that I enjoyed doing "my own thing", keeping the house
up very nice, watching the movies I liked, and eating
as I pleased. I tried to do more with friends, went to
some concerts, spent time with family, and tried to take
extra good care of myself.

We had a brief "false recovery" from Jan-Feb 06 during which
WH moved back home and I got used to again doing things
together and our life as a couple, but now that he had
moved back, I'll have to adjust again to just me !

It's only been a few days, and I've heard from and seen
WH, but I do miss him and the house sure does feel empty.
The first time, he took only some clothes and his personal toiletries, but this time he moved into another house, so
took furniture and all....

Best to you,
Slammed

I am new here but thought I'd give me two cents for whatever it is worth to you......When I found out about the A I asked my BF to leave right away I told him I couldn't have him in the house as long as he continued to email, text message this OW.......long story short I kept in contact with him for a few weeks after that.....then one day it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I just cut off all contact with him no emails, calls etc....he would email I would just delete the message etc....he then began calling his mother to find out how I was this went on for a few weeks.....I thought like you did that he didn't care and the plan B was harder on me then him....but trust me it is hard on him.....finally after a few weeks he called and something inside of me told me to answer the phone.....I could tell he was ver nervous and he said to me I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry and I realized right away that I made the biggest mistake of my life but I didn't know what to do since you wouldn't communicate with me....I asked him point blank what are you sorry for exactly....he told me....which was big since he is not a big communicator....I told him if he wanted to get back together that there were certain things he would have to do and I wouldn't settle or compromise...in short my list was....go to couple counceling and well as him seeing a councler on his own....leaving his job due to the fact the the OW worked with him......and his life would now need to be an open book....he has me every demand of mine....and things for now are very good....but I am also entering into this with my eyes wide open....I did tell him that at the point when I answered his call I was in the process of moving on and working on me.....I'm still working on me...but I'm alsow working on us at the same time....I have no clue what the future will hold for me.....but I do know that due to the entire exeprience I'll be a stronger person and happier with myself.....this was the kick in the rear I needed to find myself again......Hopefully it works out with us....but if it doesn't at least I know I tried and gave it my all....and in the end I'll be a better person for it.....Any way that is my 2 cents.....Good Luck to you!!!

Great question, nkay, and I am among the grateful for all the responses that validate (a) Plan B is soooooooo HARD; and (b) that it will get better!!!

I'm trying to keep myself busy -- it helps and, hopefully, it will help more, as time goes on. I still have hope for reconciliation and wonder if that is silly or futile.

Isn't it true that we feel like "nobody could know how this feels"... ... yet we ALL know EXACTLY how it feels? This board has been a major part of my survival over the last three months.

Hang in there, all.

nkay,

You have gotten some very good advice regards getting through the initial few weeks of Plan B. I would like to caution you that a true Plan B permits no contact, either directly or indirectly. This includes checking telephone records and any other "spying" that was the norm before Plan B was initiated. If a true emergency should occur or say perhaps a financial situation arises, an intermediary is necessary.

Remember, how can we expect our WS's to have NC with the OP if we are not strong enough ourselves to maintain NC with the WS in Plan B.

Good luck. It only gets easier with time.

Cymanca,

Point taken. I guess I am not in a real Plan B. I will stop the monitoring. It was my only way to know he was OK in some way. I worry about him and I am not used to not knowing he is OK. But you are right - for my own sake, I will initiate a true Plan B now. I continue to hope that he will finally see the light. But I know that I must get my act together so I can be strong for me. Thanks for the tough words of truth.

Nkay

nkay -

It's hard to realize you really can't check up on the WS. It took me a while ..... Do you still live at home & if so does WS have access to the house?

Kim

ST,

I love your story. Is there a way you can setup a separate post for yourself and share your story with the rest of the board?

I like your moxi and the move to a plan B with such swiftness, knocked the WS off his feet. You show how he didn't give you as much guff as most BS get here who drag their feet trying to please a Ws.

Thanks again. It was a pleasure to read your post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Yes, I am still in our home with my step son (18 today). He has come by once or twice but does not come in unless I am here and let him in. He actually knocks even though he has a key.

Nkay, how are you holding up?

Jennifer,

You are so sweet to check on me. I am doing Ok - Thursday was bad but today I am OK. I heard from my BIL this AM. He saw WH yesterday (he is a hairdresser and WH came to get his hair cut) They had not spoken in 3 weeks as BIL is quite loyal to me and very upset at WH. He gave him an earful and urged him to go home b4 it is too late. He told him that I was concerned but he thought I would not wait for him 4ever.

I spoke with WS coworker yesterday and she said he has not shared any info about the A with her and he has said that we will be going to MC to try and work things out. I haven't heard from him in almost 2 wks. The coworker told me that he went to the ER the other night with chest pains which I was not aware of. He has HBP but also has anxiety attacks (particulary since leading the double life). Both BIL and coworker said he is very depressed and losing weight.

I worry about him and want to make sure he is safe. I know that seems silly after all he has done but I have taken care of him for a long time and these habits die hard.

I am sticking with Plan B but it is hard. I want to call him about 100 times a day. My concern is that he is only getting advice from OW and his two single friends. He has NC with his family or my family with exception of his Mother who is way too emotional and another brother who has called to berate him. He is not telling his coworker the whole truth so she can't give him advice. She is in a commited marriage and she would advise him to end the A and go home to his family. He is still in contact with OW but does not discuss her with family.

I have an appt with MC this week for IC - I hope WH may join us in future sessions although we have not discussed it. It is something I need now, though.

Is Plan B still the best way to go?

Nkay

You're doing a great job, Nkay! And, yes, Plan B is still the way. It takes time to get the true effects of this plan. It still has some unraveling to do.

I know it's hard. And you want to take care of him. I'm sure he misses that, too. But I'm sure he knows what he has to do, in order for these marital privledges to be returned. The ball is in his court.

It is good to hear, though, that he still has the idea of MC with you, to work things out. This means he hasn't given up on the marriage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> This is good. So this means that Plan B is working, and it lets him know that there will be certain terms in which reconciling will be possible. This way, it lowers the chances of repeating the same mistakes, and it shows you are SERIOUS about the consequences of his actions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, Nkay!! This hurts, but it sounds like it is WORKING!! You are showing him that you are able to survive WITH or WITHOUT him. He's got more work to do, and I think he knows that! Just going to take time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...

Jennifer