Hi Everyone-

Has anyone experienced hating or at least started hating their WS during plan b?

D-day was 2/1 and threw him out. He's starying with his married friend.

A week after D-day, we talked great lengths about rebuilding our marriage. WS has been seeing a MC which I'm not invited. MC advised he lost himself and need to find out why he had the affair. In order to do this, he needs to cut off contacts with everyone for two weeks. I opposed the idea at first, but supported in the end.

Coincidentally, he had to go out of state for busines for nearly two weeks and would use that time to find himself.
Before he left, I wasn't quite sure if I would be able to handle it because we saw each other 3-4 times a week. It was great but we got into heated arugments although we both apologized and understood why.

In the meantime, I'm starting to feel hatred for him. I don't know why. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism. I'm also starting to care less about him and what might happen even if he should decide to go for the OW.

Has anyone gone through this or is this just a phase?

Thanks.
Star

Anger....part of the stages of grieving. Please read the link in my sig line. U will find u r not alone on this well worn journey. Often we can even predict down to the play by play including what they may say.....sad but true. So to go through these stages is important to know and learn what not to fight.

JMHO,
L.

why are you in plan b

did you do plan A...
if d day was 2/1 then you should in theory still be in Plan A
can you get him to move back in....

Plan B comes with a letter
did you write a plan `B letter full of hope of recovery and your clear boundaries...

did you read about this site...
ARK

I agree with Orchid. It's probably not so much "hatred" as simply the Anger Phase.

Remember, the opposite of love is not anger or hate -- it's indifference. You wouldn't be so angry if you still did not care on some level.
Mulan

Hi Ark-

Yes did the plan A. WH said he's the one who has to decide WHEN to do the NC. Exposed his A the next day to his friends/family and mine. Couldn't expose A to OW's family/friends b/c she's unlisted anywhere. But recently found WH's email password before he changed it and got OW's email contacts and exposed it to a couple of her friends.

During all this time, WH and I talked extensively and saw each other 2-4 times a week. We talked about rebuilding. In fact, about three weeks ago I said, "Since you've been telling your friends and family that you and I would divorce, I will give it to you. I have an appointment tomorrow. Do you still want it?" He said, "Let's hold off. I think we have a shot in saving our marriage. But I need to do what my MC said. I need to have the NC with everyone."

He is supposedly taking his MC'a advice during his business trip out of state, my home state.

Maybe, Orchid is right. I'm going through an anger stage. I don't know. I've been off work (work injury) over a year ago and expect to go back next month pending doctor's clearance. I know that will help me a great deal. and make it easier for me to move on with my life without WH.

WH is familiar with MB so I'm sure he's aware of the ins and outs of plan A and B. In fact, he emailed the OW the "lover's perspectives." Why I don't know. I can only guess based on the email reply by the OW that he wanted her to "understand" her role in it and possibly get her support which she willing to give.

Do I still love my H? Yes. But when I last saw him, he's no longer the same person I married. Like every BS, he's in the alien abduction thing. I hate the person he has become. He always had this quiet, sensitive, concern of others personality which was attractive. He scored a tie between, Loyalist and Helped on the www.enneagraminstitute.com personality test. Me: "the Enthusiast" with "Reformer and Challenger" tied for second place. I think this is also where my WH have issues with. He said he wants to be the "ALPHA male". Funny, because he used to tell me he loved my assertiveness which also rubbed off on him professionally to his advantage. All of sudden, he doesn't like it. I think it's because the OW is so much more passive than he is and allows him to be the ALPHA male. I know what you're thinking. YES, my WH is very insecure

Am I willing to wait for him to come around indefinitely? A big part of me says NO. Maybe this is why I'm not as concerned about what will happen once he finds himself.

I don't know. Maybe Orchid is right that I'm in the anger stage and need to deal with that.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

why is your husband familiar with the MB program...

arkie

Orchid-

Thank you so much for the links. I got a chance to see a little of what you went through years ago. Wow. I'm in Calif also.

Read the 5 stages of anger and I'm starting to understand why I feel the way I do towards my WH. A big part of me just want to throw in the towel and just move on. Maybe because I'm also fearful that it when he comes out of his "soul searching" mode that he would choose the OW. But, he's also commented on how he would be trading in problems for other bigger problems. The OW has two kis, one ran away and the OW is an emotional basket case. She went as far as telling her kids that my husband although married and having problems and would soon divorce his wife, would move in with them to become a "family". Wow... When asked H what he said to her: "I was disapppointed. That was stupid of her." The OW's H cheated on her during their ten year marriage. My guess is her H left her for the OW which is what she is expecting my H will do and counting on.


The letter by trueheart hit me hard in the heart that it made my eyes blurry. I printed it and want to give it to H but not in person. H returns from business trip 3/30 night. Thinking of just putting it in an envelope along with his mail. In my plan B letter, I wrote that I would drop off his mails and packages on his buddy's back porch when no one is at home.

Is this too early to give him a copy of trueheart's letter?

Your experienced input is greatly appreciated.

Stargazelily

Yea, probably. See, as long as he is a committed Ws, the letter won't penetrate. Save it for when your H starts to show signs of life.

Trueheart wrote that letter to my then very much a WS was alive and kicking. H didn't even read the letter. So the WS made crude remarks for which I just had to reverse babble him back to reality. Truat me, I defended Trueheart like you wouldn't believe. I took that WS and folded him up sooo tight, he couldn't breathe and for a few minutes, my H surfaced. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Hi Ark-

WH is familiar with MB because when I first came across it and we decided to work on rebuilding our marriage, I forwarded the emotional needs link and we both agreed that that is why his A happened. I know it helped him look at himself. Can't say how much he reads MB, but he is familiar with it.

He is sorry and feel ashamed and even said that is something he's going to carry for the rest of his life. But yet, still turns around and continues with his A. It's almost as if that now people know about his A, it's given him justification to NOT stop seeing the OW. Makes me angry as heck.

By the way, is it unusual for an MC to advice NC with everyone to find oneself? I can only assume that WH has not indicated to his MC that he wants to work on the M, quite opposite from MB that couples should see MC together.

Thanks for the input.