Well, this is a first for me. I am so devestated by my wife's admission to a recent long-term affair. I cannot seem to get over it. I am a middle-aged professional who has now been married for 28-years to the sweetest, most innocent person I know (at least that is what I thought).

She had formed an emotional attachment in 2000 to a manager who reports to me and was my closest friend, and started a sexual relationship with him in 2001. It ended in early 2004 and she told me about it the day before our 27th anniversary that same year. I should say that he no longer works for me.

It was only recently (9/05) that I began to take positive steps to help myself by seeing a counselor. I have read the book After the Affair, which was excellent.

She was very relunctant to discuss any of this in detail, but after I did a melt-down she herself read the book. At my insistance we also started writing a journal where we both share our thoughts, anger, hurt and ideas of mending this betrayal. I do pretty much have all the sordid details, but only because of newly found detective skills.

Our sex life was never overly exciting; her interest was just not there.

Over the years I have had many invitations by women to play around, but have always stayed faithful. However, Teresa, my sweet wife has now had her second affair (the first was in the early 90's and was mostly emotional, but started to become physical when it stopped). She has told me that our marriage was fulfilling and that I did nothing wrong. She has a self-esteem issue and gets weak-kneed over complements and flirtations. She is a night shift nurse in the hospital where I work, which gave her plenty of time to hide her lover from me.

Our marriage truly became sexless during her afair, then afterward she lost all interest in a physical relationship. Also, during her affair she bought many "how to" sex books, but they were for him, not me. Why didn't I see that at the time? I did confront her several times, but always accepted her denials. The thought of her having an affair was just too unbelievable.

I met with him a few months ago in a restaurant and gave him both barrels (so to speak). He cried like a baby, begging for forgivness, but I have NOT forgiven him. I feel the first persn for me to forgive is her, not him.

I think Teresa is so remorseful that she cannot yet address this adequately to suit my needs. She is tired of the issue, but understands this will be a long road. I just want the pain to go away.

One of my obsessions is thinking about retaliating with an affair of my own. I know this is just idle thoughts, but getting back sounds liberating, and according to her, the sex is great. Can someone give advise on this?

Also, I believe her sex with him was much more pleasurable because of its risk and forbiddeness. Now that we are being initimate I see that her skills have greatly improved. I should be happy about this (and certainly am during love making) but I am also resentful as well because she did it for him, not for me.

We now have plans to see the counselor together, which should help. I just hate it that I worked to keep our marriage pure and she let the dogs in.

Thanks for listening. Where do I go from here?

Andy

Hello,

I feel very sorry for you. It is very disturbing that this was her second affair and that it was with a good friend of yours who worked for you. This is such a double betrayal. You were kind to forgive her for her first affair and then she did it again with a good friend of yours for 3 years. What is that old saying: Fool me once - shame on you; Fool me twice - shame on me.

The fact that she gets weak when some male gives her a compliment is pretty sad also. I have to say that the fact that she was having sex in her second affair for almost 3 years behind your back, putting your health at risk for STD's, with our best friend really shows how little respect she has for you. She has made your marriage a mockery for those 3 years. Your wife sounds like a person who has a broken moral compass. Apparently it was very easy for her to lie to you and have sex with your best friend behind your back for 3 years. I think you need to seriously ask yourself what kind of a person would do such a think to you for so long; and why would you accept it a second time? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions and disrespect toward you speaks volumes. I wish you luck.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. But you have found a good place for support and comfort.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? It is a wonderful book, and helped my FWH and I very much. From my perspective, it has helped to have something positive to focus on (e.g. what can I do to contribute to healing my marriage) as opposed to focusing simply on the betrayal.

Recovery is a hard road--particularly when you have already been down it before. There is certain to be more resentment on your part when you are forced to be a BS a second time. Decide what you want from your relationship at this point. Do you have children? Do you want to try and heal your marriage?

Continue reading and posting hera--it helps.

God Bless,
-CSJ

Since your WW is not fulfilling your EN's you are very vulnerable to having an A yourself. Unfortunatly this is common enough to have a name. It is called a "revenge A".

If you succomd to this I can grauantee you will not feel good about it or really fulfill your EN's. You WILL do great damage to your M and drastically hurt you chances at recovery.

Simply put: You WILL regret the "Revenge A".

Thanks for the kind words. We have three grown children, 25, 23, and 21. Two are out of college and one is married. They are great.

I just told my W that all the children know about her A. They are letting it be our issue and although they are saddened and discusted by it, have not let her know they guessed it soon after I was told. Our middle daughter guessed it and nailed her 18-months before it ended. I think she suffered with the knowledge, but did not tell me. I was just visiting this daughter in San Diego where she lives and she told me how conflicted she was in not telling me. I don't think I needed to but I forgave her for it.

The funny thing about my W's EA from the 90's was I felt more irritated than betrayed. There was a fair amount of anger, but I was also greatly concerned about her emotional state. The fact is she was squeesed out of the relationship just as it was becoming sexual by a friend. We moved soon after.

The sexual A is a much different matter. It lasted over 40-months, which means she wanted her addiction and the stability of me. How do I deal with that?

Andy

I too had an affair with a Dr I was working for and let me tell you, the shame is so intense when it's over, I couldn't talk to my husbnd about it either, not even with a counselor. It's been 7 years, I've remained faithful and love him dearly....looking back, I wish I could've been honest with him and answered his questions but the shame and fear were so deep.. Do go to counseling together and believe that God can restore your wifes love and desire for you and you only but at the same time be wise...watch for relapes but try not to push her away by always being suspious. My husband is now the one having the affair and I cant help but think I deserve it, I'm reaping what I've sown. We've been married 26 years and he told me 3 days before our anniversary. I now know the pain I put him through.....horrible.
Dont give up...

Andy

My h had a very long term affair (8+ years). He ended it immediately after I found a cell phone message. Recovery from a LTA is different.

It sounds like you set aside dealing with the affair for a while. I'm glad you found MB to help you work through the fall out. And you will need to work through it with your wife. It isn't something that can be put away and forgotten.

Try posting on the Recovery Board and the General Questions Board. The GQ Board gets a lot of activity. And the Recovery Board offers a lot of positive support and advice from others trying to recover their marriage from the damage of an affair. There is a thread on the Recovery board about LTAs (posted by PW1) that you might find interesting.

Andy, you and your wife need to get into some individual and marriage counseling with a pro-marriage counselor. It is natural that you have some anger and resentment built up. The feelings you express are real for you. She needs individual counseling also to help her better understand why she is 'weak' and vulnerable to affairs. You both need to know how to deal with affair issues in a healthy, constructive way.

BTW, there are others here who can speak from first hand experience about revenge affairs. They are not the answer. It won't help you deal with your feelings or issues about your wife's affair, and it will seriously complicate the recovery process for you.

Best wishes to you, Andy911.

hns